The Beginning

Last night's doctor's visit provided the following information:

• I'm 1cm dilated (will need to get to 3-4cm before hospital admittance) - hey, progress is progress.
• Doctor was concerned about my high blood pressure, which ironically went down during the visit (maybe sheer relief that the check was over), but asked me to come in on Friday to recheck before the weekend.
• Doctor is concerned that baby is "a big baby" and has scheduled an ultrasound for Friday at 2:30p to verify size and birth-ability. - which means we'll get to find out for 'certain' baby's gender among other statistics about baby. And my biggo stomach is "all baby" according to the doctor which is crazy to think when you see my stomach.
• There's a chance that pending upon blood pressure counts and "big baby" status we'll be having baby this weekend - after being admitted into the hospital upon the ultrasound. - But again, they may let me keep going if all is "normal for delivery."

And then again there's always the chance of having baby prior to Friday depending on how quickly I advance in dilation. So in other words, all this to say... the end is quite near. And we're all excited here. =)

What We've Weathered.

I got up this morning with intention of checking the weather report prior to popping into the shower. Our room felt a bit warm and I wanted to know if it was weather related or inferno within me related. Sat down at the computer, as usual, but this time the familiar pictures captured my 6am mind. I watched the honeymoon pictures interlocked with seasonal pictures, wedding pictures, California pictures, Cheddar pictures, and so many more memories. And a flood of joy filled me.

A few weeks ago Matt and I were out on a semi-routine walk. I was feeling whale-like and inactive, Matt finding joy in the joy I received from the walk (AKA he did not want to go, but went because it made me happy and therefore was happy because I was happy). We walked along sharing the day with each other and enjoying the random silences that we also shared with each other. Then Matt piped in, "So I've been thinking and I'd like for us to plan to go out to California. I want to meet your grandma and see the beach, and the church, and the places I've seen in the photos." Could he have said 'I love you' any stronger? His heart just poured out in a few thoughtful sentences. And I must confess, that really meant the world to me that he wanted to meet my family more. "We'll have to check where we are financially," he went on "but I'm thinking if we plan far enough out then we could bring the baby to go meet your Grandma."

Those words flew through my thoughts as I watched how far God has taken us. I was reminded of being nearly engaged to Matt during the last California trip. And the joy on our faces during the outside pictures after our 'I do's. We had no idea what we were getting into, and we still don't, but I've never been more sure of forever in my best friend's arms.

I can easily fall into a pattern of complaining and focusing on how much plans are not what I had imagined since I was a child regarding being a stay-at-home-mom instantly and all the other naive imaginings that will drift away as reality is born. And it's in those complaining and incontent times that I really need someone to holler, "Are you serious?! Look what you have!!!"
Selfishness is such an easy trend. "I want it all, I want it all, I want it all and I want it now," familiar commercial jingles about electronics and food come to mind. But God just caught me this morning before starting the normal routine of, "so this is life," and reminded me of the blessing.

I have never felt such joy in life as I feel today. Each day that passes is a new day to be married to my best friend. And I can honestly say that I love him more today than on our wedding day. I mean seriously, who else is going to be there to sing Celine Dion songs in the car like Jr. High protegees at the top of our lungs because we are both comfortable enough with each other that we can be silly in front of each other? Who else can help set me straight when I'm way out in left field? Who else pursues me because he wants to know me more? Who else is there to make royal mistakes with, cry with and then later laugh about the mistakes with? No, my sweet friends, Matt is not perfect - and neither am I. But I really can't put into words the absolute joy of being married to your best friend - morning breath and all. I am overjoyed with all that God has brought us - even the trials - and can't wait for the joys that God will bestow upon us in the future.

A co-worker asked me last week if Matt was my first love. "You know, I guess he is because he really defines love in the most real way I have ever experienced. I honestly can't say I experienced the depth of a true love prior to him." And the only way he can do so much and be so much to me is because of how hard he tries to be like Jesus. Because I know that Matt does not complete me, he's no where even close. But Jesus completes me and it's Christ in him that floors me as well. Matt compliments me far greater than anyone will even compliment me - after all one we have become and no man can separate that. Oh but you should see that man on fire for Jesus. Who could not want to be married to him?
-No wonder I'm head over heels for him. -

Prepared

Silently we sat on the couch soaking in the Sunday football game when the familiar voice broke the silence, "Start having contractions. Let's get this baby."

- we're ready.-

16 Days in Counting

Welp friends. I have dropped. Not the ball. But the baby. Breathing a bit better today, which is nice because I haven't been able to experience the joys of dropping with this wonderful cold I've had for almost a week. The good thing is that the puking only lasted for one day (last Saturday), but I really have been missing my left nostril. It's nice that it's back for at least a visit today.

Christmas was wonderful. It was such a blessing to get to wake up at your own house and just stay there. That's right, my wonderful family came to us this year - in light of current circumstances. It was nice to get the early afternoon to just hang out with Mom and Dad. Jes and Nayt showed up around 3 and we ate at 4pm. Overall, it was a really relaxing day of no-shoes, dog petting and laughing. Such wonderful memories. "Everywhere you turn there's some kind of baby toy," mom commented as she happened upon the newest set of baby bathtub toys given us by a sweet lady at church. Tis true, friends, Matt and I are baby-ready. Matt said in the car on the way home from a quick visit to his family last night, "We're ready for the baby. Well, ready as not ready can be ready." He's got a point there. We're as ready as unready can be!

Got to hold John last night at the in-law's as I watched the family open the gifts from Matt and me. John was crying in Matt's arms. "John doesn't like me," he announced to the family. Matt handed him to me and he instantly calmed down. "That's not even fair!" said Matt. "He knows she's a mom," piped in Ellen to relieve Matt's conscience. I kinda felt bad. I didn't do anything he wasn't doing. John just got quiet for me. The poor little gass-y fellow was trying to "work it all out" last night. According to Ellen this is a daily occurrence for him. He and I enjoyed some good snuggle time on the couch. He's a good snuggler that sweet little one. It was nice to have a snuggle friend after a long, but good day. - Looking forward to meeting our little one. -

I'm just taking a quick break here at work so I better get back to things here. I get to make up my own hours for today as I finish paperwork. So far I'm one of one here at the building, but afterall it's 7:30am. I got here at 5:30am after waking up at 4:30am and feeling as rested as usual. I just headed on in with hopes of getting home around the time that Matt wakes up and just in time for lunch. With a quick after-lunch nap I'll be good for the rest of the day. I thought this sounded like a good alternative to taking a vacation day that I could have otherwise taken when our baby chooses to bless us with their in-arms presence.

Alrighty, so have a good morning friends and I'm back to the "grind" here at the dead, but productive office. - Oooo, signs of life are heard down the hallway. -

Carrying Forward to the Sides

You know, I just think it's a bit funny how angle is everything. For example, compare the 9 month picture to the Christmas ones. Those pictures were taken on the same day, but it looks like the nine months picture contains much more baby. Again, angle is everything. And no one can really describe what the angle's like looking downward at your own belly - especially as it forms differing shapes throughout the day. There's the hour-glass figure, the straight pointing out, the best described as looking like a "butt" figure, the lopping to one side figure, the rounded figure and then the side-to-side figure. And it's entertaining because sometimes I wonder if there are two in there by how much space appears to be occupied by two huge bumps. My brain gets baffled at what that second huge bump is when the doctors have declared the baby to be head-down for the past 3 weeks. Maybe it's knees all crushed in there. That could explain some painful ribbed experiences. But anyway, the shapes are fun. And despite the discomfort, I do have to say that the unpredictability of the belly angle is quite fun too. Today this shirt looks like it fits, but in 20 minutes it looks like I'm cramming myself into the very shirt I plan on dressing baby in upon delivery. - Anyway, just finding small joys in the midst of this otherwise trying last countdown.

From the Three... er... Four of Us

A few Christmas shots ...

in front of our tree.

Dakota wanted some holiday cheer.

And let's not forget her favorite toy!

"Can you get her to sit in front of you?"
"Of course, but not facing the camera."

=)

A semi-Dakota -facing-the-camera pic.

Final Cut

Last one of these.

And this time with my Matt.

- 9 months prego.-

Revolving

"Four weeks" to go friends. Today marks nine months. And n one week our little one could show up at any time and be considered full term. Kinda neat, huh?

Last night Matt and I played Mary and Joseph in the live nativity. Matt dressed in about everything he could find and freezing to death - me in two shirts and a couple pair of pants with no gloves and warm as usual. Sometimes the inferno within is beneficial.

Had lunch yesterday with a few old and one current co-worker. Kinda funny how that helps classify me as being old. The career-jobs are the ones where the co-workers do things outside of the office for the sake of having a social life. Outside of college social lives revolve around co-workers, churches and families. And to prove myself old I was the first to show up and the only one to show up unfashionably late. I was hungry. We don't mess around with the lunch times here. =)

Today marks another obedience training class - second to last - and soon the rush from service to dog social time will be complete. I think Matt and I both are ready for it to be done. Dakota's done well and we've been given tools that we can use. We've found some united lingo and learned some of the basics that we were messing up on. But really I think we've come to a point where we're not interested in having a dog-show trained dog and the classes are leaning a bit more toward refining skills that we find unnecessary for our daily lives with our doggie. We just wanted basic training and basic training helps. And those we have received. So now obedience training is becoming a bit more of an obligation than a help. But we only have two more weeks including today so we'll be good. Never thought 8 weeks could feel so long though. Matt and I look forward to the days of non-2pm commitments on Sundays.

"Are you ready for the baby to come?" I feel like everyone I pass is asking these days and I'm sure it won't stop until I pop. I'm not exactly sure what to respond. It depends on the person I guess. Afterall, who is defining "ready?" According to the baby magazines Matt and I read in the baby Dr. waiting room to kill the time my house is far from baby-proof and sterile enough. According to other generations we have WELL more than we could ever need. (I agree with them). And yet Matt and I still have a few more things we would like to get before baby comes - a few more spoilers. If baby came home tomorrow, we would have more than enough to survive for a couple of days. But as for the nursery, we would like to get the crib up at some point and some of the odds and ends put in appropriate places prior to the greatest distraction of our attention moving in. So technically we're good. Non-technically, we'll get there. And magazine technically, we'll never be there... EVER (and we don't want to be). My house will never be a Lysol wiped fortress. Instead, a family will live here. And coffee table corners will still sting and our baby will not grow up wrapped in bubble wrap. =)

Okay, off to church. have a great Sunday all!

Announcing John Alan and such

Yesterday at 3:45pm ish our nephew came into this side of the world. John Alan weighed in at 8 lbs 6 oz. and 20.5 inches long. He came out with the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck so he was blue and had some bruising on his face. But as time progressed his skin turned more and more pink and his heartbeat was strong. Ellen is also doing well. She obviously was exhausted, but really did a fantastic job keeping her cool through the almost 12 hours of labor.

As for us here on the home front, Matt and I are playing Mary and Joseph this weekend at the church's live nativity scene outside. And we'll probably end up going to help Rodger at his work Christmas party for all the foster care kids.

When asked last night by the newest Mother in our church how I was feeling, my honesty was revealed. It's a bit less comfortable now and I look forward to sleepless nights with baby on the outside as opposed to the current arrangement. Ellen and Ron kept making comments that "this will be you soon" while Matt and I were visiting prior to labor. Yes, I can agree with them. But no I don't really want to think about it. It's like that marathon run, you really don't want to think about how much it will hurt at the end, you just know you'll push through it as it comes. If I would have thought of that time at the end of the tri-athlon when I wanted to puke on the road during the start of the last mile while training I think my motivation would have been altered. So why dwell on the means of childbirth. For pregnancy is not had for merely the roller coaster of labor, but for the joy of holding the child at the finish line.

So yeah, just trying to keep my eyes on the prize with each leg cramp, back ache, nauseous moment, exhaustion, and much etc.

But you know... being able to address our baby as a Rachael or a David and knowing that Matt and I are Mommy and Daddy - the default- for that little one will totally be worth it all.

Matt and I decided that we're going to finish our prep for the baby at the start of the year. At this exact moment we have just about everything that we need to bring home baby so we're in the clear in case baby comes a bit early. But we figured after Christmas we'd evaluate what all we still wanted before baby comes.

Dakota appears to be adjusting well to the baby things as they slowly spread about the house. She's had some time to smell things and begin to be comfortable with new things. We have 2 last dog training sessions with her before we settle in for the dive into parenthood. Matt and I go to our last childbirth class on Tuesday and we get to have a tour of the delivery/nursery/mother unit of the hospital we're planning to deliver in. I'm looking forward to the tour - labeling me a dork.

Funny story, when walking through the emergency room after last week's childbirth class the receptionist in the ER asked with this huge smile on her face, "going to the fourth floor" (Labor and Delivery). "Huh? Oh no, the car," came my response. Matt and I laughed about it in the hallway after we got out of earshot. So apparently I'm looking a bit larger lately. Or as some may say.. "a bit ripe." I'll have to ask Jenney to take a picture this weekend so I can share with Renee and Aunt Yvonne what everyone else sees on a regular basis and says won't last til January 11.

Baby's doing well with a consistently strong heartbeat. Baby's also in the head-down position, which means more pressure on my bladder, but less surprise bladder assaults. So now when anyone pats my belly they're patting baby's feet and butt. And for all the medical people I am not effaced or dilated - which is a good thing for one who doesn't want to be in labor on Christmas. =)

In conclusion - all's as well as it can be in our home.

How about you?

Forum of Uneventfuls

All of my dreams last night regarded labor. Guess my brain was working out childbirth class. We're now halfway through Childbirth classes. And my dreams revolved around non-gory thoughts like the beginning hours of mild contractions filled with character and laughs (or so it's said). And in my dreams Matt and I were unprepared, yet prepared and just waiting in eager anticipation. Last night on the way home from the class we discussed getting the car seat installed in the backseat of my car soon. Just in case... And it hit me that in a few short days I'll be down to a one-handed count of the weeks left before we are due. "Wow, once we get to five weeks that's going to fly. I mean 6 weeks feels long, but something about 5 feels quick." I commented to the Popsicle riding shotgun. "It's already quick," said the 6 week-out church planner, "especially when you think of all the stuff we have planned for the next weeks." "Yeah, after Christmas we'll be two weeks out," the words fell out but the reality of that experience still foreign to me. "And Ellen's due next week (Wednesday)," his words hit the still air.

Matt's headed to a Spartan (Michigan State) basketball game with his Dad tonight and he'll return tomorrow some time. I've got another late night to put in at work, but I don't really mind it because Matt's gonna be gone. It'll also feel good to be completely caught up with work. Hopefully I won't be there too late. But thank you cards await me tonight when I get home and I'm hoping those will be enough to keep me from going completely insane from the silence. I may need to get creative tonight. =)

For Jes, Matt's t-shirts no longer fit well at all. Most of the big shirts I find myself stuffing into with hopes that the tops of my pants that automatically roll down due to my low-rider baby will not be seen due to the centimeter's hang-over of shirt to the top of my pants. In fact most shirts I am fearful of stretching out due to the "eleven pound baby" that Matt finds to be a funny joke. "Or have it your way," he said last night after his umpteen joke about us having a huge baby, "seven pounds." It's sad to watch my pregnancy clothes that used to be "so big" slowly shrink to an un-fit-able shirt. And that "winter coat" raincoat that I got in it's oversized and only $6 glory from the thrift store now has a whoppin' 2 centimeters left in it before I pop out of that one too. Bummer, man. Bummer.

Yes, world, there is more to my life than pregnancy - for those of you who are getting tired of reading prego posts. But you must know that in the "real world" I don't talk too much about pregnancy and, therefore, you all get this wonderful forum of uneventful events. Oh lucky you!

Okay, off to work now.
Take care, all.

Engulfed

Yesterday night I stood on the curb and watched a church woman's house burn. The flames engulfed the house, flaring out of control and destroying everything. Smoke could be smelled for miles as it poured from the house. And the sermon of gratitude from the morning took new shape as this woman stood in utter shock. I had nothing to offer this woman but prayer. She repeated for a while that the last thing she was doing in the house before going to the evening church service was cross-stitching Christmas presents for her grandchildren. "I don't even have my medicines or cold creme." Then she explained to the fire marshal, "It's like my brain's just gone. I'm not even making sense."

Thanksgiving is a season not of turkeys and cranberry sauce, but of gratitude for all that we have. There was a horrible loss of all possessions, "I only have the clothes on my back," the poor woman said regarding the next few days stay in a hotel. A friend quickly ran to her house to gather extra pajamas and Pastor reassured that anything she needs will be paid for by her church family. "I lived there for 30 years," came an unreal-to-me realization that past memories were gone. And nothing that could have been said on that curb would have changed the fact that everything was gone. Everything was gone.

So does this woman have nothing to be thankful for this Thanksgiving? Everything is gone. Value is held in all kinds of things and I have absolutely no idea what it would feel like to watch so many blessings that were given instantly taken away. Yes, this woman has friends and family to hold her through her loss (Thank you, God). But I really can't imagine what it would feel like to be put through such a test of gratitude.

It was amazing to witness the Body of Christ working last night, embracing a sister in the midst of tragedy. It was awesome to see the Body of Christ doing what the Body of Christ should... praying and standing beside this sister when all the neighbors had gone inside and the flames were but rubble. And as can be told through the rambling of thoughts and the smell of smoke in my hair, I am still at a loss for complete thoughts and well-poised words regarding the magnitude of thankfulness required even in utter tragedy. How can one produce such gratitude in the midst of loss? Only through the blood of Jesus.

So please take a second to say a prayer for this fellow sister in Christ as she comes out of her shock and lets go of what has been taken. Please pray that she is able to continue to be surrounded by those who love her as she takes healing steps. Please pray that she is able to embrace a greater gratitude for Jesus Christ despite the difficulty and how easy it is to doubt God in all this. Please pray. Prayer has an even greater impact than we will ever know.
thank you.

Accomplished

Tomorrow's 7 weeks until due date.

And I'm still able to get up off of the floor...

awkwardly, but that's still an accomplishment!

Not sure when it happened, but no I can't see my feet when standing.

(thanks mom for asking. hehe.)

Take care, all!

just another friday

It feels like years have passed since the alarm went off at 4:30 this morning. Dakota's road-kill with eyes open position spoke volumes to my inner core. Surprisingly despite the time, I was able to find some productivity stored in the depths of my character that outpoured through group note after group note from 6-7:30 this morning. At 10 my body decided it was time for lunch. And now at 12:30 my body has decided it's time for a nap. So with a jolt of a froo-froo coffee drink from downstairs (the last of my allowance money) I find myself once again trying to spur on to productivity. Only this time my rebellion kicks in. So Sara Groves is helping to refocus and put me back in the zone I found myself in this morning. Blessed am I, my first intake no-showed. Now hopefully my second intake will no-show and I can find myself homeward bound after only putting in 9 hours of work. What was once a personal attempt to complete "all my outstanding paperwork" has melted into a realistic goal that is being played out differently than the initial attempt. Another quiet Friday, me and the janitor competing for the longevity award (only he appears to have more life than this carcass) and the regular 3 dedicated individuals in the office - 2 newly hired. How everyone else appears to pull off their workload and a 40+ hour Monday through Friday shift without being in existence on Fridays still remains a mystery to me. But alas... back to the repetitious soul-sucking of the office - brightened a bit by Sara Groves' melodies that cut through thick Friday drag and ironically sing out about, "freedom..."

Baby, Youth, Danielle, and Alien

We got a new (to us) swing last night for baby. Twas fun to go pick it up and promptly put it in the living room upon getting home. This weekend we'll get a crib. YEAH! It's white and free. And that is overwhelmingly awesome!

Matt and I have just been recouping from this weekend. Wonderful weekend, but man I tell you it was tiring. I think I got 11 hours of sleep over the youth weekend part, which is semi-doable without another live to attempt to sustain. The youth appeared to enjoy the weekend, be challenged in their faith, and desire change in their walks with God. So it was a highly successful weekend.

I got to hold Danielle again on Sunday. Funny but holding that little 5 week old is so precious on two levels... 1. she's absolutely adorable and 2. it still blows my mind that someone so small is inside of me.

Alien movements have been quite the normalcy. You should see my stomach go crazy at different times in the day. It's hilarious! And Matt appears to be enjoying all the activity. Though I must admit, the hip and back assaults can be sometimes painful.

So yeah.. that's us. We're doing great. 8 weeks to go! So how are you? What's new?

Sports Car

Driving home from an errand last night I heard the sounds of a wholed muffler and gas-eating engine passing my car. I turned and looked out the window, giving the other driver the attention they desired when they "altered" their car. And I found great enjoyment as a 4 door sedan with glowing track light under the car and new barrel exhaust pipe passed me filled with four teenage boys. I mean come on man, almost 8 months pregnant, Chevy Cavalier with Celine Dion blaring me was more of a sports car than them.

=)

People entertain me. Especially as the child wasted half the gas tank by revving the engine at the stoplight. Clearly if the child had paid for his own gas for more than the last two weeks conservation would have quieted that engine a little. =)

I love it.

Kitchen Delight

Now that it is more predictable and more felt from the outside world, here's Jes enjoying a good kicking. This is the first time she felt her new niece or nephew moving.

(Thanks again for the picture Mom.)

Check out her face. I love seeing that delight.

Crossing the Threshhold

Wanna know something cool?
9 weeks to go. And looking at the calender this afternoon I realized the following things are happening before the baby comes:

1. This weekend (Nov 14-16) youth retreat - Discipleship Now
2. Following weekend (Nov 22) - hang out with mom and jes and make Christmas decorations
3. Nov 23 - church baby shower
4. Nov 25 - childbirth classes begin
5. Then - Thanksgiving in Michigan and NFL hall of fame
6. Next weekend (Dec 6) - celebrate Mom's b-day and Cinci baby shower
7. Wednesday Dec 10 - welcome our nephew to the world.
8. Next weekend (Dec 12-13) - live nativity scene
9. Dec 16 - Childbirth classes end
10. Next weekend (Dec 20) - FREE!
11. Dec 21 - last dog training class.
12. Next weekend - Christmas
13. New Years - no work (we probably won't even stay up til midnight on the Eve)
14. Next weekend (Jan 3) - FREE!
15. Next weekend (Jan 9-11) - my due date.

That's right, friends, totally cool! And just think how quickly that all will fly and yet how much joy and laughter will be had over the next 9 weeks prior to the start of parenthood for Matt and me. Granted, baby could pop up any time to add to the festivities, but we're hoping to make it to January (or at least I'm hoping because Matt thought it'd be cool to have a Christmas baby). But for once, little one, don't listen to your father.

Alrighty, back to what I do best...

eating a snack.

G'mornin' Ya'll

Well, dear friends, this morning is another fabulous Friday. And why are Fridays fabulous? Because they seem to come quicker and quicker lately. It's been surprising to me how quickly these past few weeks and months have flown. And I must be honest here... I'm really enjoying that aspect. See, when you're waiting in excitement and anticipation for a baby (just ask Matt, he can testify), the waiting can be fun, but so can be the receiving. As the days pass and I pass by the nursery I wonder about baby. Will she be a she or he be a he? What color eyes and hair? Will baby have Matt's nose, my nose or a combo of both? Cone head? (Hey, our niece pulled it off and she's a cutie now). Will baby be a smiler? A clinger? As active as baby has been inside?

Obedience training is going well with Dakota. Sometimes she is a selective learner, but she is trying and I'm sure she's enjoying the fruit of her labor. (Do you want a treat?) We've gotten a greater distinction between speak, sit and lay down. Though sometimes she decides to sit and lay down with vocals (which is not atypical for a husky). I think the biggest improvement is the consistency and intentionality of training her from Matt and I. She's a good girl and I'm looking forward to obedience class on Sunday.

Tonight Robin and I get to hang out. I'm looking forward to trashing our kitchen tonight as we attempt to make an edible-looking birthday cake for Jes' birthday celebration tomorrow. I told Robin to be prepared to get dirty because I'm a messy baker. "I know," came her instant I've-lived-with-you-for-a-year-and-know-all-too-well-your-baking-habits response. "We only have one apron so you're going to be out of luck," I told her. "What are you talking about? You should be the one who's afraid." So apparently she is already planning her tactics to acquire my apron. Hehe. This should be quite fun!

Matt's 10-page "short" paper is due Monday for his class. This is the first and last of his semester papers here in the first semester of his seminary degree. Matt is really looking forward to the semester's end as we both count down tests, exams, and paper. That 6 week break will be well-deserved for Matt and highly enjoyed by all. (Let alone the normal joy of the holidays and the new joy of our soon-arriving baby).

So yeah, things are humming along with life and all. Work helps me look all the more forward to a 2 month break devoted solely to family. Church is going well. I'm still looking for my spot to serve and grow at church, but I'm confident that some day I'll find it. Until then, I keep popping around the church and being involved in various ministries. i was thinking how quickly this past year flew by in reference to Matt and my first year of marriage. Odd to think of celebrating 2 years of marriage in 10 months from now. Odd in a cool way, not in a "I didn't think we'd make it this far" way. Looking forward to the arrival of our nephew in 33 days. Really looking forward to Thanksgiving in Michigan and going to the NFL Hall of Fame around Cleveland-ish with Matt "on the way back" after Michigan. Looking forward to finding out if our fireplace can burn wood, Saturday afternoon with the family, seeing Iowa at church on Sunday, tonight with Robin, snuggling with Dakota (when she's cooperative), and that feeling of freedom as one leaves the Friday parking lot in pursuit of the weekend.

So g'mornin' ya'll and I hope things are going well with you. Hopefully you have found life's little joys to enjoy. Have a good one!

A Slice of Something...

Well, this should make things very interesting, very fast. We should expect to see some change... yes friends, change like we never saw it before. But I have a feeling we're going to miss the America that was which has been exchanged for an American in which such a small portion of the liberal population believes. I certainly will confess that I am not desiring of such changes that have been declared as "good" from our soon-to-be President and I wonder how many others, beyond the Christians I have spoken to recently, will be added to that same category. It is quite disappointing that so many claiming "Christians" could ever vote for things that are so far from the Truth. It'll be very interesting over the next four years to find out just what slice of something has been elected. But I'm not thinking it's the slice of heaven that the media portrays. (Then again why should we expect a media who has continually lied in the past to be telling the truth now?)

Guess Christ-followers are going to learn a big lesson in respecting authority while politely and devoutly disagreeing with each decision. Wonder where that'll put true Christians in this country?

On the bright side... Christianity has always grown in oppression. So when we all have prayed for growth of the Christian church and the true believers of the Lord, God's answer was through an increasingly struggling country. So be it... all for the Glory of God.

Flyin' Fall

Good morning all. It's so nice to wake up in the "fall back" as opposed to the "spring forward." Yeah, one more hour of sleep is quite nice. It's given me a bit of extra time this morning to come to a couple of realizations and looking forward to a couple of things today.

1. We're starting obedience training class with Dakota today at 2pm. I'm looking forward to spending some time investing in our dog's character and also helping her to be less psycho on the lead. This is an 8-week training class teaching the basics with some other beginner and non-puppy dogs. I'm actually looking forward most to spending time with Matt in working with our doggie that he loves so much (not to imply that I don't love her, but just that she' totally Matt's dog due to the way she has adopted him).

2. I was looking through my calender today and realized that today marks week 30 of pregnancy (as you can see from the baby ticker above) but in other terms that marks 10 weeks until the baby's due date. That blew my mind. 10 weeks out, friends! Wow. That's coming quite fast. Not a bad fast. Just whew! Fast! I remember counting down the wedding. And now my planner has the baby countdown going. It's crazy to see the things we plan for and have planned for come and go with such speed. Before you know it the youth weekend will be here and then the baby shower and then Thanksgiving and then child birthing classes start and then the baby shower with mom and then Christmas and then baby's right around the corner. It absolutely blows my mind. And crammed into all that we get to welcome our nephew into the world on December 10th (Ellen's being induced). And there's the live nativity scene. And so much more to look forward to as the days go by.

Yesterday as Matt and i walked through the mall I said, "You know hunny, it's kind of crazy to think that in just a couple of months we're going to be carting a baby around." "Yeah," Matt said, "Only we probably won't be at the mall." (Typical rational thinker.)

Matt's getting excited and it comes in his tone of voice, his eyes and his incorporation of baby in his sermons. Baby is on his mind. And he's excited. And it's really neat to see and hear.

3. Iowa's coming to Ohio next weekend. I'm so thrilled! It feels like years ago that Renee moved to Iowa, when it's only been months, but I look forward to giving her a hug and seeing her with my own two eyes next weekend. it's an absolutely wonderful joy to have ended our last conversation with, "Welp, see ya next weekend." We should totally end more conversations like that. =) It's funny how much Renee has become a normal part of my thoughts that passing her old house randomly on a short-cut brings back memories of going for a walk about the neighborhood with Ivan, Emmett and Renee. We were talking about life as it was handed to us. And it's just so fun to think of what life has handed to us since that day. - Look forward to seeing my friend.

Well, Matt's up and I'd like to make him breakfast when he gets out of the shower so I better go. I hope this post finds you all doing well.
Thanks for caring to read my rambles and I look forward to reading yours. =)

Take care.

Phat Fat

"Are we going to have a huge kid?" I asked my husband as we were out walking and I suddenly missed being able to see my imaginary pants button.

I would like to first explain that I am not an insecure person when it comes to my weight. I don't believe people have to fit in the anorexia brackets that doctors so frequently describe as your "average weight bracket for your height" but I do know that there is a different between a healthy weight and one contingent upon an over-loaded doughnut intake. I believe there is a happy balance between enjoying that ice cream and enjoying the brussel sprouts (yes, world, I like brussel sprouts).

And it would be purely foolish of me to pretend like I have any idea what my personal pregnancy weight tolerance may be or how easily i will or will not be able to lose the excess weight. It would be like me using the phrase, "usually..." in starting a description of my pregnancy symptoms. Beyond the usually that this week has brought, consistency and certainly experience during this pregnancy have fallen to the lacking side of the scale.

Tolerance I speak of, yes, in regards to weight gain not because I have a hidden obsession about my weight, but because my body is a temple and I want to control the flesh as much as I possibly can. This has fueled my past love/hate relationship with running which resulted in a 3rd place triathlon happening. And I am sure that my desire to dominate my lazy "I want ice cream" selfishness will also fuel further running sessions after the arrival of baby and the disappearance of ice.

But, despite some opinions, pregnancy is not the platform of "free for all" binge eating. I don't feel that it is my excuse to bomb-rush the nearest fast food urge or throw myself at passing ice cream trucks. I am well aware that the weight I carry, good and bad weight, will have it's affects beyond delivery day.

So in light of my thinking, I have broken through my comfortable realm of pride to ask for Matt's help in a round-about prideful way of course. But none the less, he has graciously offered to walk with me on a more regular basis and help with packing healthier choices for my daily in-order-to-avoid-feeling-ill moments at work. (Yes, friends, while I haven't puked at work since 5.5 months into this pregnancy, feeling ill if i don't eat within a 1/2 hour to hour bracket of my first feeling of hunger is an unfortunate side-affect.) Matt has even gone to the extremities of offering to avoid chips and cookies within our household all to aid his bride and child make better choices.
I could never ask him to do so, but his willingness is to be honored.

Either way, I type all this not to notify you cyber and breathing world of my personal woes regarding weight gain (for I really don't think they are woes at all), but because sometimes we need to make more intention to live more healthy lives. And I find that "sometimes" in the last sentence is not situational, but intentional. (If of course there is such thing as an intentional intent.) Therefore, in this daze of feeling completely out of control of this body while this little one dictates my level of acid reflux, sleep, energy, and intake demand, I am taking more delight in the idea of a few lifestyle changes that might just help throttle on these last few months of healthier weight gain.

I haven't done horrible thus far (in fact I'm still in the "normals"- whatever that means), but I certainly can always do better... and should be striving for such endeavors.

So, (raises plate) here's to a night of green beans... and just one slice of what Matt's having - hot wanna-be-healthy pizza - after an evening walk (choking session) with our poochie.

=)

Expression

Have you ever longed to be creative? Not for the shear sake of creativity, but for the sake of expression.

I have a Saturday morning to myself, Matt away being a great youth pastor in paintball world. And me here at the house. It's quiet. And part of me wants a change. An improvement. A new homeyness. With the start of a shower, a comfy pair of jeans, and one of Matt's old t-shirts maybe I'll end up finding some expression of productive creativity. You know, one beyond cleaning. We shall see what this free Saturday morning holds for this creativity-seeking one.

What's your favorite way to express your creativity?

Little One

Pro of 7 months pregnant:
- frequent kicks

Con:
- baby dragging limbs and elbows to scrape along innards

Pro:
- carrying part of my family with me

Con:
- bladder and intestine kicks resulting in quick trips to the bathroom

Pro:
- still being able to get up and down form the floor, though it is becoming more awkward

Con:
- a co-worker informed me that the waddle-walk has become me

Pro:
- No one can tell me that #1 - there's not a baby inside & #2 - it doesn't have a mind of it's own

But in all, friends, it's really neat to feel baby's sleeping and awake patterns, hiccups, response to sugary juices, and migration patterns (while some are becoming more intrusive and painful). There is nothing like watching the faces of friends when they get kicked by our baby. And the increasing reality of the "countdown" being more and more in our favor when it comes to a potential birthday of this little one is quite fun. Part of me anxiously awaits the joy of being able to hold and see our baby, but the other part of me really enjoys the time that I get to spend right now, holding our baby. I often wonder who he/she will look like, what their personality will be like, and what it will feel like to live the normal day in and day out (my favorite part of doing life with Matt) with a little one. Thinking of the joy of being a mom and watching my mom's eyes light up at the thought of being a grandma and watching Matt's elated joy as he gets kicked makes me want to snuggle our baby.

God has so blessed us by this little life and they aren't even "here" yet. Thank you, Lord, for our little one. Thank you.

4 O'clock Confession

So I have a confession to make...
Sunday I went over to Jenney's house after popping into a few stores with Jenney to run a few errands. I held her kitten, Ebony, an all-black and all-loving kitten that sunk into my neck with loud purring. That's right, friends, I want a furry.
Yes, it's been almost 3 weeks since Cheddar has been gone. Kinda odd to think about how long it has felt. But I really do want a purry furry for this purry furry friendly house. No, I haven't talked to Matt. No, the cat can't be anything but tolerant of huge wolf-like dogs. And no I'm not completely rational in my thought process of getting a cat. And also, no I am not going to run out and buy some cat (Matt sighs as he reads this), but...
Yes, I want a furry. A good one. A lovable one. And just maybe sometime in the near (within a year) future some stray furry from the SPCA or something will find it's home with us and the wolf. And who knows... just maybe I'll be able to convince Matt of getting a furry sooner than the "much later" thought process that plagues his responsible self.

= ) I love that man. He keeps me sane.

But sometimes the insane thoughts are fun to dream about.

And watch out Jenney... your kitten just might go missing. ; )

As Promised

For Renee, Aunt Yvonne and all those whom have been waiting... it had been put in the back of my list of priorities for a while, but my Mom busted out a camera and so I figured I'd post an update despite the funky face I have in the picture. Hehe.

Oh and like I told my mom earlier, today at work a man said to me "Woah! Baby's coming any day now, huh?"

Hahaha. Really smooth man!

Somewhere between 2.5 to 3 months to go.
And yes, friends, I have just bumped into the third trimester. Or as my fellow-pregnant-office-space-sharer co-worker says, "the home stretch."

7 Months prego.

Doggone

We came home tonight after getting our soon-to-be-arriving nephew a few baby-shower delights to find two eaten pencils, shredded book and chomped TV remote. That's right, Dakota decided to share her puppy side. So now her puppy side is sitting in her cage for the evening with an occasional commentary of "bad dog" from myself as I cleaned up the mess. With a phone call Matt has a new remote headed our way free of charge. But sadly, Dakota's puppyness has destroyed a book I was reading on some suggested methods to get our baby to sleep in more solid chunks through the night once kiddo comes. Apparently Dakota would like to see me suffer... once tonight and again come my return to work after baby arrives. That's worth a "bad dog" in my book. Upon seeing the mess I announced to my laughing husband regarding leaving Dakota out of her cage when we are gone, "That's the end of that."

Who knows, maybe in a good 10 years she can convince me that she is a good dog again.
J/k

Frosty October Morning

I awoke on this frosty October morning after a good night's sleep (only 1 nightmare, 2 leg cramps, 2 bathroom trips, 1 trip for a drink, and 2 quick wake-ups to roll over). Seriously, friends, that's a good night's sleep for me and I am really blessed by having had such a good night's sleep. I was well overdue and hurtin' for some good sleep.

I've heard MercyMe's new song, "God with us" and it's really put the 'normal' sacrifice in a new light. It's funny how normal the gospel can become and how typical the Christmas miracle can easily write it's way into our regular holiday preparations. Emmanuel, friends... that God would choose to come to us blows my mind. Us... dude... us!!! And that God would stoop from all His glory and righteousness to save our sorry selves. Praise be to God for surely we don't deserve it.
Attached are the following lyrics that have touched my heart on this morning and many mornings previous. It's so powerful. Hey and if you want to borrow the CD from me I'd be more than happy to loan it to you (even way out in Iowa if you want to borrow it, Renee).


"God with Us" by MercyMe

Who are we that You would be mindful of us?
What do You see that's worth looking our way?
We are free in ways that we never should be.
Sweet release from the grip of these chains.

Like hinges straining from the weight,
My heart no longer can keep from singing...


All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified:
Emmanuel!
God with us!
My heart sings a brand new song.
The debt is paid, these chains are gone.
Emmanuel!
God with us!

Lord, You know our hearts don't deserve Your glory;
Still You show a love we cannot afford.

Like hinges straining from the weight,
My heart no longer can keep from singing...


All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified:
Emmanuel!
God with us!
My heart sings a brand new song.
The debt is paid, these chains are gone.
Emmanuel!
God with us!

Compared to Calvary;
Nevertheless,
We lay it at Your feet.
Such a tiny offering
Compared to Calvary;
Nevertheless,
We lay it at Your feet.>


All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified:
Emmanuel!
God with us!
My heart sings a brand new song.
The debt is paid, these chains are gone.
Emmanuel!!!
God with us!!!


***Click on the link to hear an excerpt of the song (you have to pick "God with Us" from the selection list). "God with us" soundbite.

In a half hour

Never underestimate the peace in a quiet half hour to catch yourself and pull it all together. And never underestimate the joy in being kicked for that half hour as a reminder that despite the stresses, there is coming a joy that cannot be put to words. Never underestimate the peace that comes from a silent cry to our Lord for patience and words.

God is good. All the time.
And all the time. God is good.

Even when we can't see how these pieces are going to fit together.


Thanks to those who listened and sent their phone-mailed hugs yesterday.


... one step at a time... one step at a time...

and soon I can look behind and see how I've gotten there one step at a time...

Imbalance

So friends, I'm going to be honest here. This past week at work has been hard. I've stayed late at work nearly every day of this past week. And on Friday I put in an 11 hour day. While this proved to move the week through quite quickly, exchanging time with my husband for no addition to my paycheck is difficult for me. Friday hit a bit hard since baby and I didn't get anything close to a good eating schedule in light of the craziness of work. And that poor eating schedule mixed with sheer exhaustion contributed to an early Saturday morning sickness episode. Odd how when your body needs nutrition you can't seem to keep it down. I met my match this past week. And I guess the thing that makes it harder is that I'm not very assured that this new standard of "staying late" to complete the new paperwork requirements is going anywhere anytime soon. As one who likes to give their best and their all, it's a frustration to leave projects unfinished. But I must admit that my limit has been altered over these past months. The conflict between the standard that I used to be able to hold and the standard that I can now hold is a bit frustrating at times. But I am reminding myself again and again that I am now making decisions for more than just myself.

Either way, I just wanted to share the honesty of the struggle between loving a husband with all your efforts and the desire to dive directly into bed at the end of each day. I'm sure many of these seasoned moms and wives have felt the similar strain of helping provide and love their family as Christ asks. It just begins to concern me regarding caring for my family and keeping this current job in light of last week's (the past few weeks) requirements and the fact that baby is fairly easy to care for right now. The struggle is hard and real some days. But i am so blessed to have a weekend to live my real priorities before entering back into the grind of things.

Love your family and sacrifice accordingly. Even when the going is tough.

Big Dog Avenue

The other week I looked out the window and saw our dog dragging a 6-foot tree branch across our yard. Let's just face it friends, our dog is cool. And Matt was right, no dachshund could accomplish such yard organization.

We need to invest in the "Our dog could eat your preschooler" bumper sticker of pride.


"Where's the dog?" I questioned realising I had not seen her in a while.
"I don't know." Matt's response rose from the intense computerized poker game.
- silence-
"Maybe outside?" he suggested.
(laugh) "Did you put her out there?" I questioned.
"I don't know." came a distracted response.
-silence-
..."It sounds like something I'd do."

Quicky

"Did You get bigger?" My pregnant co-worker asked me today as I sprawled out on her couch for a minute. "You look like you swallowed a basketball!"

Guess it's time for another prego shot for the records. (And mainly for Renee and Aunt Yvonne.)


Today's Cool Thought:
Most women have to drop their babies off at day-care to put in an 8-hour shift. Mine just comes along, doesn't cry and is always well-fed and changed. (At least for a few more months.)

=)

Dakota. Rain. Fall.

Well it's been a week and she's been quite tolerant of my extra lovings (in fact I think she likes it all the more). I do miss Cheddar, but I had closure so that really helps. I haven't cried in a week. But I'm no longer concerned about crying. (yes, Robin... I did just say that.) I just take it as it comes. Oh but did I mention that I missed him cause I do.

For the past two mornings I've woken up before my alarm clock and felt semi-rested. Jackie, a friend, has been having contractions just not close enough together yet to bring their daughter into the world. She's hoping come Sunday (her deceased mother's birthday) she'll have a good reason not to be sitting in the familiar pews. I'm looking forward to her and her family's new addition. "This'll be you in a few months," she has said throughout this journey. She's such a sweet woman and her husband could not be more thrilled about the upcoming birth of his fourth little girl.

Things have just been trucking along here. I've been doing more cooking and my end of the deal when it comes to loading the dishwasher (trying to put on the illusion that we're trying around here). Matt and I bathed the puppy last night so this morning she is good and squeaky clean and soft... for the morning rain that she refuses to pee in.

Rain seems fitting today. I welcome the mellowness it brings.

I was talking to the baby yesterday while in the car (yes, I look crazy). I had forgotten that the baby could hear the outside world for a few weeks and figured I'd flex the insanity to say "I love you." Opened my eyes a little more to a reality that Matt and I are going to be riding in a few months. Family has taken on so much in trying to plan to care for someone we've never known and yet have always known how to care for. Again, it's like a huge guessing game and little one hasn't even showed their face yet. We're so excited at the idea of ruining another's life (just kidding). But it still feels surreal sometimes, despite the strong kicks, flips, and protruding belly.

Fall has arrived. Thanks be to God. how I love the fall. The nip has returned to the air. Pumpkin this, pumpkin that and the fall festivities are in full float. Corn mazes and all. I just love the fall. I can't explain it. It's just so awesome even though we don't really participate in the typical fall activities too frequently. It's just such a wonderful season of beautiful death (I'm talking about the leaves here). =) Yes, indeed, fall is to be thankful for. (Thankful enough to end a sentence in a preposition. - that one's for Robin.)

Okay... better finish rambling and get ready for another "office day" filled with "office stuff" and then real life can happen. =)

Enjoy your day today, all.

Wrap Up/ Thinkings

I got a chance to do some cooking last night. It was nothing special and I'm sure it tasted likewise. But it was neat, nonetheless, to feel like I was contributing to my family in a way that I enjoy without time restraints. We had a bit of a later dinner and my potatoes/creme of mushroom/shredded cheese was of no great hooplah, but again, it was nice to serve Matt and our little baby with a home-made treat.

I've really enjoyed spending time with Matt lately. He was singing Dancing Queen to Dakota the other night. It's surprising how much life he is able to find in between his sniffles and nose-blowings. That's right... we're catching the sick bug around here.

I've been thinking a lot about family and have found a new level of "us" in thinking about how to best serve my family. That's right, this selfish thing is thinking of actually helping out more. Don't get your hope up too much, world, I'm sure it'll fade in a week (just teasing).

Thank you to all whom have called to check-up on me and share your love. I am so blessed by all you caring people (Robin, Jenney, Lydia, Renee, Pastor, Aunt Yvonne, Mom, Dad, Amanda, Jes, and anyone else that this clogged mind fails to mention that is no longer going to ever peak to me again for not putting their name in this entry).

Enjoying normalcy as it becomes a new kind of normalcy. Saturday Matt and I get to play chauffeur for Sarah and her boyfriend, Dexter as they travel to their first homecoming dance. I'm excited to get the chance to ride sidesaddle as Matt schmoozes them and parades about. Maybe I can even steal Jenney's camera and get a few pics of the joy. It still makes me smile to think that Sarah asked Matt to chaperon them and transport them. That's right... Matt made the cool charts again! (Insert "Dancing Queen" chorus)

Enjoy the weekend all ye people of cyberville. And I hope you all find the joy in normalcy.

God bless.

Changing Seasons

This morning at 9:30am Cheddar took his last breath as he was put to sleep. My daddy was there with me to give and receive my sweet furry. And while there is a hurt in knowing that his lifeless body awaits his burial when Matt gets home tonight in it's shoe box, there is this sweet peace that I did all that I could do for him. That we did all that we could do for him.

The house is quite quiet today. But Dakota provides good company, especially for this "not a dog person." The game of fetch has provided much comfort and her movement about the house has helped me a lot. Makes me want to hug her a little closer sometimes.

I miss him. But there is a strange normalcy in this lack thereof. Seasons are changing. The leaves turning colors and the air a bit crisp today.

The wind welcomes my thoughts as I sit on the rusty rocker outside. Dakota running about the yard. And there has been much to think of, and a few good friends to talk to on the inconsistent volume of our land-line. Grocery shopping to be done. The familiar kicks from inside. And the thoughts of how much these seasons really are changing. And how much they have already changed. I said goodbye to my furry today and have cried a few times missing him. But again there's this weird reminder that nothing that I expected is anything like I expected. And for the first time in a while I am reminded yet again that I have no idea what spring will bring, not even the consistency of the flowers.

Family has taken on new meaning over the past week. Priorities anew. And there's this odd feeling of choice in and amongst the chaos.

Seasons are changing. And Dakota and I are going to go outside to watch. What we're looking for, I'm not sure. But watch we must. For tomorrow it may all be different.

saying goodbye.

just the words in the title brought a stream of tears. it's hard to say goodbye to a purr, a meow and a constant game of follow-the-leader. it's hard to hold his body in your hands and know that you can't do anything more for him. it's hard to think of not coming home to the jingle of his bell down the hallway as he runs meowing to greet you. dear friends, this is really hard for me. this is really hard.

matt and i made a very tear-jerking decision today to let go of my cheddar. we can't do anything more to help him. we can't do anything more to heal his worn out body. and no more improvements are being made in his health. so with runny nose and tears streaming i will be picking up my kitty, my furry from the vet. i couldn't possibly live with myself if i had left him there to die in pain when we brought him in for his last diagnosis and examination. so all afternoon the medical staff has been pumping the urine from my kitty for the last time. and they will send home some pain medications which i will administer tomorrow every four to six hours to keep him comfortable as i say goodbye. i really can't bear to think of not hearing his purr anymore or feeling his sweet little head-butting, begging for a good petting.

and i will be honest, dear friends, this sweet little kitty is going to be very hard for me to let go of. yes, he's just a pet but that fact doesn't make this any easier.

matt left for the Michigan funeral today at 3 something. i wanted to go, but i was needed here.

[break for the evening]

the evening went fairly well despite the circumstances. Robin came over for a few hours witnessing Cheddar's last peak and most movement. we just sat on the couch talking about life. toward the end of her stay Cheddar started to get worse, me realising that he wasn't blinking. Jenney came over a half hour after Robin. Jenney did well with Cheddar in light of his failing health. we just talked and monitored. and gave pain pills. and talked. and then the vomiting began again. and i knew it was going to be a long night. i prayed that God would just take him then.

at 1am my alarm went off and i gave him another dose of pain meds. his breathing now hard to decipher, his breaths so shallow. but sporadic movement of his head when i sat down with him. i coaxed the med down. i just don't want him to be in pain in his last few breaths. 5:30am came evidence of more vomiting, attempts to clean him up a bit, more meds, and even shallower breathing. i couldn't feel his breathing to the touch and yet a surveillance of his body and some movement revealed that he was still a shell of the cat i knew. i counted out the pills and i have enough to get him through tonight after matt comes home around 10-11pm. so he'll be able to be medicated until thursday morning when we are able to go put him down. i just can't muster up the strength yet to drive myself there to drop him off without matt. i know i wouldn't be able to drive home. but the thought has crossed my mind to have a friend drive me.

but really i have hit a point of peace about Cheddar going. each time that i hold his frail body i just pray that he will give up. i want him to be painless. but a fighter he persists. and i'll keep the 4-5 hour medicine doses until he either gives up or we can get him in to put him to sleep.

today's going to be a long day. and i really wish matt were here to walk me through it, but i wish him to be at the funeral more. i wish him to be walking his dad through saying goodbye to his dad's brother more. and i am blessed that despite being apart from him, God is giving me such a peace and a strength during these hard last few hours and this upcoming day. i love how God delivers when we haven't even asked. and i trust his perfect timing with Cheddar's departure.

i'm going to go take another nap and again pray that my sweet kitty, my little furry is able to close his eyes without my prompting and go to sleep without intention of waking. i love him so dearly and i just want him to be at rest. that's best for him right now. and even though i would love for "best" to be defined as a healthy cat, i am not to definer. i am just trying to provide as much comfort as i possibly can.

love you, Cheddar. i have already missed you and i'm sure that's not going to go away for a while. but i just want you not to have to fight anymore. i did what i thought was best. and what i thought was most humane with what we could do. love you. goodbye.

sad sunday.

The funeral's been bounced to Wednesday because the family decided to cremate Mike. Therefore, Matt and I came home from Michigan on Sunday. But what we found was sad. Cheddar was lethargic, weak (shaky legs), painful to the touch, meowing weakly, and unable to keep down water. With the wheezy cough that sounded like potentially water in his lungs, Matt and I headed to the Emergency Vet Clinic. Long story short, $300, about 2 hours, a catheter and a removed plug later and Cheddar was on his way home. He had a blocked urethra (mucus clump between his bladder and the outside world) and therefore his bladder was filling up with water and nothing was coming out. Apparently his bladder was solidifying causing the painful touch, vomiting of water, dehydration, and general weakness. So today Cheddar is napping on the bathroom floor, still with a chancy stomach but at least he's showing increasing signs of perkiness. He's a bit of a sight for sore eyes, but he's moving around about every half hour or so which is a huge improvement over this morning's life-drained mass on the bathroom mat. And he's opening his eyes more and willfully choosing to drink water. We'll see if he keeps down the treat that I force-fed him a few minutes ago (he hasn't eaten in probably about 36 hours and refused even the smell of food but still remains quite weak). And if you get really close, despite his sickly mute status, you can hear his deflated purr as you pet his frail body.

I just love the sound of that purr.

A Wedding and a Funeral

There is nothing like a purry furry in your arms at 6 in the morning.

Yesterday was a long 11 hour day at work and there is still paperwork awaiting my attention. Matt and i got a phone call at 10ish last night. Matt's Uncle Mike whom we were rearranging our schedule to go visit on Sunday had died within the hour. The paramedics were still at his Michigan house when we received the news. "I think this is going to hit Dad hard," Matt said after laying on the bed in silence for a while. Mike had recently been diagnosed with cancer which had spread rapidly to his pancreas. But Mike was in denial and refused treatment despite the 6 month time-frame. And then he had a stroke yesterday and still refused treatment. But it doesn't make him any less of a person, his stubbornness. And it's going to be a hard funeral for many family members who can't say with assurance that "He's in a better place." And that's hard.

Saturday we are going to Michigan for Matt's cousin's wedding. We're traveling with Ellen and Ron and Bekah and Sarah all packed into a van. Can we say family road trip? But in light of last night's news it looks like we'll be staying in Michigan at least until Monday for the funeral. And work had better let me off. ESPECIALLY after my 9 hour day Wednesday, 11 hour day Thursday and soon to be 9 hour day today.

I'm getting my little sister, Sarah, today so she can go to the movies with the youth tonight. I love seeing Sarah. She's a sweetheart. Last night she called Matt with a dilemma that her boyfriend was not "of age" to go to homecoming. I love her honesty in saying that she'd love to just lie about his age. But I trust that she will do the right thing in asking the homecoming adults if her boyfriend can go due to his homeschooling status. Hopefully they will cut her some slack. If not, Matt and I offered to take the two of them out to dinner (of course Matt and I sitting in a booth over or whatever). I just love that girl and her boyfriend is quite sweet too. Their innocence is so much fun to encourage and support.

Wednesday night I was given a few shirts from a new friend. Lydia's a house-mom of three kids (one 7th, 5th and 4th grader). It was so wonderful to hear her heart for her family. Hard times are coming for their family or at least times of hard transition. And it was really comforting to see a new friend continuing to fight for the most important thing entrusted to her - her family. I'm honored to wear the tee-shirts she has given me. It reminds me of a strong woman who gets it when it comes to loving a family.

Anyway, that's been us for the past few days... overworked, underpaid, and trying to be a good family to others.

In more random news I had a dream last night that Renee was pregnant. And the night before I had a dream that an old high school friend of mine (the pastor's kid) had a biracial baby outside of wedlock. I'll attribute both dreams to extra hormones. And then I sat on Dakota's paw last night while on the couch. She hollered initially and then dragged on her injury like the world was falling apart. There was this break in the initial pain and then this continuation of the drama as I gave her lovings. That dog is hilarious. You should come see her. (One at a time please.) =)

Not sure when I'll get a chance to update any time in the next few days. But I'll be back to keep you all posted on the wonderful life of the (announcer voice) "Associate Pastor Posse". - Baby's says 'kick'!

Ailment Leftovers

Alas, the low iron returns. Had the low iron effect a while back before pregnancy, but now it's choosing to return. So iron supplements and orange juice are added to the prenatals and for one who doesn't like popping the pills... it's all for the baby. I came to the realization this morning after nearly losing my prenatal vitamin that I haven't missed a single day of prenatals in 6 months. That's right, I know you're jealous of these skills. Mom also informed me that with the addition of iron to my vitamin drug use (hehe) I will have another added feature that will return from trimester 1's joys. Bummer, dude. Real bummer. But I still have some left over fibercon. As for the poison-ivy type rash on my stomach it appears to have faded to a nice scar that occasionally jumps into remission (requiring an oatmeal soak). And the baby has picked up the fine art of kicking my large intestine with brute force causing that four-year-old "I'm about to go in my pants" sensation along with the more frequent bladder assaults. So to sum it all up... baby appears to be doing quite well and getting all that it needs. Me on the other hand... I'm getting the leftovers. =) - There's surprising joy in the leftovers sometimes.-

my Cheddar

I just love him so much. I can't help it.

Niagara Falls - one last look

a concern now ended

During pregnancy you're not supposed to have blood in your urine. Signs of blood in your urine? Tinged-red urine. One of the combined signs of miscarriage? Tinged-red urine that doesn't go away and cramps. Last night while hanging out with Robin, my urine was tinged red and I had a cramp (which could be attributed to other things). After calling the on-call doctor and answering a few more questions regarding other miscarriage signs, I was told not to worry (it's not like freaking your body out will help any), drink more fluids, and take it easy. If the tinged urine persisted in the morning then I should call the doctor and report to the hospital for a urine sampling. So Robin and I watched a few CSI episodes on television (yeah electricity) and surfed to "What not to Wear" during the stupid parts of CSI and the commercials, vetoing our other Friday night plans for a night of couch sitting and drinking water and milk. And I just prayed with Robin, "God, take care of your baby please," trusting that God's way is best for my life. He knows my heart and He heard it laying the baby in His hands again today.
And my urine returned to it's yellow color later that night.

At 24 weeks a baby can be delivered with a 60-70% chance of survival. Prior to 24 weeks (6 months) the odds are not as favorable. I will be 24 weeks on Sunday. But it looks like this one is quite comfortable right where it is. And for that I am blessed.

(24 weeks)

Thank you, God, for being in control.... thank you.

Light Hath Come

Thursday night Matt and I went over to the office behind our house to microwave some soup/ravioli for dinner and watch "the Family Man" (love that movie) on my laptop from the semi-comfortable choir/Sunday School chairs in Matt's office. As I walked back to the dark house Matt, driving ahead (since he was carting all the stuff) jumped out of the car and yelled across the parking lot, "We have power". I took off running across the parking lot toward the house. There was nothing as sweet as the sight of all our windows and blinds exposed and beaming with electricity. The smile could not be wiped from my face until sleep took it 10 minutes later. So, dear friends, at 9 something, but really at 10:30 Matt and my blackout was ended. And the light has been absolutely wonderful since.

A Little Tired

The blackout continues for this household while 100 feet behind us still has sturdy power and I think I saw a kitchen light on in my neighbor's house. Part of me yearns to be awoken at 3am to 60-watt floodlights and a ceiling fan. But Matt's words, "I don't think there are really that many people working the third shift to repair power," seem to hold some truth. I'm trying not to be complain-y and ungrateful. I mean come on, Matt and I have running water and a roof. But it does make it a bit harder to be grateful while standing in the darkness and missing essential clean-clothes items. My creativity is starting to drain as I am finding less nutrition in those microwaveables, I ate half a less-fresh yogurt for breakfast that was "saved" from our power outage, work presses on, and the night's rest seem less and less satisfying with varying temperatures, church emergency exterior lights waking me up (have to crack the blinds to keep from overheating) and my white-noise fan silenced. Matt's also getting behind in his school work. Again, I'm trying not to be complain-y and ungrateful, but as I skim over the words I just wrote I'm not sure if I was able to accomplish such. Let me tell you one thing that is nice that happened as a result of the blackout: Matt and I got a chance to spend unexpected time with his family, mine and a good friend's family for mealtime and candle-lit fun. Last night we were even spoiled by the taste of electricity when we went to a friend's in-law's home for taco night. (Matt even got to play video games.) So really things could be much worse. It's just that the joy of playing survivor is starting to wear off a bit. I keep waiting in eager anticipation of Matt's phone call reporting that the ban has been lifted. Oh what a joyous day that will be.

Hope the rest of you out there are coping well with the blackout.

And I also hope the rest of you out there with electricity are appreciative of that blessing.

Blackout

We got our piece of Ike and I am grateful that it wasn't the same piece others have received. I mean can you even imagine being stranded for who knows how long while water recedes from your living room? It brings back pictures of New Orleans disaster relief to my head. All the mud, all the mildew, all the lost memories.

Sunday at 2:30 or 3pm or maybe it was 3:30pm (can you tell I was about to fall asleep on the couch) our power went out. It had been a wonderfully windy day with gusts of wind that tore the American flag from it's pole and broke tree branches in our backyard. But other than laughing in the pulsing wind gusts, Matt and I were fairly unscathed until the power cut. So we did what any sane person would do... we took a nap and then went for a walk in the crazy weather. But we weren't prepared for turning the corner of the block. Trees down, power lines down and everywhere you looked neighbors were on porches to avoid the dark. Some of the youth were sitting on a skateboard with a huge tarp-kite harnessing the wind for riding power. Dakota scurried like a psycho, smelling every tree branch as we surveyed the damage. Trees hit houses and cars.

Today the trees are mostly cleared and the new hype of this morning is that a few more traffic lights were blinking on the main drag to the highway than the past few days. But our blackout continues. We are blessed that the church office has power so we were able to move our fridge and freezer items to the cold of the office fridge. So yeah for actually having food! Matt also was able to get his paper finished and sent off to Kentucky, utilizing the much-needed Internet connection in the office. But the same routine happens each night after the sun goes down... Matt and I light our 7 candles and stare at the wall... bored. But it's cool. The blackout has given us some fond memories like sitting on the couch going stir-crazy because our cars were trapped in our garage. Or there's the candle-lit games with Matt's siblings and the laying on the couch with 3 candles lit listening to the school closings and rejoicing with the kids. And then there was last night and the cooking of every meat Mom and Dad had left in their freezer via the grill and the candle lit feast down south. Yeah for creativity! Oh and then don't forget the candle-lit showers in the mornings. Those are nice (shut up Matt).

So, in all it really could be a lot worse for us. Work has electricity (go figure) so at least I'm getting caught up on paperwork since I have no afternoon off-site school groups to run (schools are shut). But the reports do say that it could take til the end of the week to restore all power. So, I wonder what other joys this week will bring along the trail of darkness. Who knows? We may even get desperate enough to bring our taco meat down to our friends down the street and share in their gas-stove goodness!

Until the power is restored or work continues in it's slowness... "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...."

Behind a Hazel.

There are days that my temper runs too short. There are days when my stubbornness kicks in too strong... for the wrong reasons. There are days when my world is tipped and anyone trying to fix it is in threat of losing an eye. Have you ever had those days? It’s in those days that I am grateful that I am walking in his footsteps. His gentleness in guidance and his wisdom through love rope me back in without need for correcting words. He just trusts. And he just waits.

There are days that I feel like I could fly. Nothing can hold my wings captive any longer. Nothing can stop the breeze from carrying me. Have you ever had those days? I’m grateful that I am walking in his footsteps those days too. His supporting smiles entertain my artistic whims. His dreamer’s heart leaps at the chance to run beside me before take-off. And his practical logic keep me grounded until the air’s clear. He just trusts. And he flys with.

There are days that I just want to crawl into a hole. Maybe today the world will end. Maybe today I’ll not be seen. And the weight of this life wears on my back. The day too long and the night too short. Have you ever had those days? In those days I am grateful that I’m walking in his footsteps. He just sits beside. He abandons words. He suggests a walk knowing it’s a silent one. His arms extended. He just trusts. And he just listens.

Oh he’s not perfect. Sometimes he gets them mixed up. Sometimes the signs are confusing to read, my signals unclear. But he always tries, even when he’s tired. And I find through his example that I just trust. And I just wait. And I fly with. And I just listen. It’s in these days that I am grateful that I am walking in his footsteps. His patience is something to be admired, but he’d be the first to brush it off as “how he should act,” passing the compliment to another. But I must tell you that it is so much nicer walking in His footsteps when I am walking in his. Just look in his eyes sometime. I wonder how those eyes can carry so much... masked behind a hazel.

I love him. My best friend.