Being Held

[This is an update on my current "happenings" taken from a letter to a friend.]

"...I still talk to Kelly nearly very night. And I am trying a lot harder to be more encouraging and less depressing. I find that as the night grows later, I feel less and less hopeful. So I usually try to get off the phone before it gets too late. Cause at that point it's my 6 hours of sleep doing most of the talking.

I could say that I miss Dayton, but that's a lie. I do think of Apex often. I think about Kelly and wonder how her day is going. I think about Miranda and Andi Hill. I think about Crosswalk and how the Lord moved in 109 Oelman. I think about how blessed I was in Dayton. But at the same time, I do not find myself currently yearning to be there. It doesn't consume my thoughts like it used to. I don't try to find ways to go to Apex every Sunday or sneak back up on campus just to feel the independence I once felt. It's kinda of weird. But it's kind of like I have put Dayton on pause and stepped out of "reality" and come down here. I think I have convinced myself that no matter how much I want to see Kelly, and no matter how much I think of what once was in Dayton, I am here right now. And there is nothing that I can do about that. Part of that makes me bitter and, therefore, shuts off feelings, but the ebst part of that forces me to find satisfaction in where my feet are treading.


I have been studying while I am here. I've learned so much from Revelations and am learning more about God's character by the day. I am also, as ever, finding more weaknesses as they are highlighted in this environment. I'm not sure if it's the environment, in all reality, or just the fact that it's time for me to choose exactly what I will and will not allow myself to be. I am learning more and more to treat my body as a slave so as to better serve the Lord (reference 1 Corinthians 9:26-27). In all, I am blessed to be in process. Hope and satisfaction are daily choices. And some days I choose wrongly. But other days I choose wisely. I hope to look back on the summer and see more rightly chosen days than wrongly chosen ones.

I am learning to be content. Though it is a struggle, the Lord has me right where He wants me, so I need to learn to better accept His definition of "good". And who knows, maybe sometime soon I will be able to fully enjoy the place that God is holding me right now. I hope to. I really do. I hope to find a sustained attitude of happiness and joy and contentment. And most days, I do find myself with a joyful attitude.

In all the situations that this summer is handing me, I am sure of one thing...

God is my Rock and my Foundation. He is my Ever-Pressent Help. He is my reason to keep trying. He is my Best Friend and my Fortress. And though I may feel shaken... I WILL NOT BE MOVED from HIS Foundation. And this is not by my own strength, but by His alone. For He is the one holding me firmly to His Rock. "

By God's Mercy

So I was going to take a moment to complain about writting a check to WSU, but I feel really convicted about my complaining. Instead of complaining, which draws attention to myself, I have decided to state the facts.

It's by God's mercy that I have a financial burden this summer.
It's by God's mercy that I have a job that pays me slightly over my bill fees.
It's by God's mercy that a work situation has arose causing me to seek further employment.
It's by God's mercy that I may be able to work at the factory.
It's by God's mercy that I have youth girls who come to visit me on rough days.
It's by God's mercy that I have big challenges in my faith life.
It's by God's mercy that I am learning to be satisfied in unsatisfyig situations.
It's by God's mercy that my car is falling apart.
It's by God's mercy that my car has not died yet.
It's by God's mercy that I don't know if I will be able to start classes in the fall.
It's by God's mercy that I have a best friend who I get to call to encourage and to encourage me.
It's by God's mercy that I have pets in my life to make me smile.
It's by God's mercy that I am fearful enough of the future few months that it creates change in the way I handle the present few.
It's by God's mercy that I am learning what it means to walk by faith and follow without sight.
It's by God's mercy that I am given another day to ty to make God smile.
It's by God's mercy that I am surrounded by mission fields here in Cincinnati.
It's by God's mercy that I am given struggles, hurts and troubles.
It's by God's mercy and NOTHING ELSE.

So in the light of things that oppress me and lay heavy on my chest, I need to lift my eyes to the heavens and cry out, "Thank You Lord! You bless me. Thank You!"

For only then can I claim to rely on Christ and walk FAITHFULLY no matter what may come.





Teach me to better give thanks in my troubles, hurts and struggles. And if that means bringing more troubles in order to teach me by example, then Lord, I pray for more hardships. Do whatever it takes to teach me to walk closer to You. I love You and I need You more than breath. Teach me to dwell on You and not me.



You are worthy of my praise for eternity and I am determined to give you my praise through the struggles of this flesh. Teach me more eternal praise; that I may learn how precisely You would like to be and will be exhaulted for eternity.



I love You and I need You. Please be glorified. And if that includes me in any way, You know You have my devotion.






"Amen, blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power and might, be to our God forever and ever. Amen." (Revelation 7:12)

A Blanket Over Her, but "Better"

"Monica, Monica... Tasha's dying. You might want to come say goodbye," my mom's voice cut through the still air at six o'clock this morning.

I stumbled out of bed half asleep. It was a short walk to the kitchen. And my wake-up call's reality did not hit until I saw my dog laying on the floor. My dad hovered over her with his hand upon her ribs.
"She had a seizure a minute ago. She's fighting to breathe and there's some fluid in her lungs," he gently monitored her breathing with his hand.

I sat at her head and pet her now-grayed head. She waged her tail when she saw me.

"That's good," dad commended her. It brought the thought of a smile to my mind, but my lips refused to move.

Jessica followed my mom through the hall and I felt her presence nearby. I never took my eyes from what used to be my puppy, but I knew Jessica was there. Odd how twenty years of knowing someone makes you distinctly aware of them when they enter the room. Jessica didn't say a word, but I knew what she was thinking. She too was trying to grasp the reality of this situation after coming from a peaceful sleep cut short.

Dad got his shoes on and grabbed Tasha's leash. She didn't move.

Mom sat down on the floor and obsessed over the fact that Tasha didn't adjust her legs when mom moved them. I wanted to tell her to be quiet, to stop annoying her... to just leave her alone... but no words came and my eyes remained on my puppy.

Dad connected the leash to Tasha's collar and carried her outside.
"I know she has to pee, she always does first thing in the morning." He explained, carrying out the routine he had done for 11 years.

Jessica went back to her room and shut the door. We didn't hear a peep from her and I assumed she went back to sleep because her light was off when I walked to my room. Upon standing in the doorway of my room I did the only logical thing that I could grasp at that moment... I crawled back into bed with hopes of falling asleep until my 7:15 alarm awoke me.

Reality awoke me at 7:15, I reset my alarm for 7:30.

"Monica, do you realize it's 7:30?" My mom questioned at 7:25.
"Yes," came my apathetic response.
"Ok." And she left my room.

My alarm announced 7:30 and I began my routine. Cereal didn't taste quite as good as I watched my mom sitting beside me at the table. She kept looking at the floor in between bites of her cereal. My dog lay curled up in her favorite sleeping-bag-blanket with a bowl of water by her head.

Stop looking at her, I though. She'll be just fine! And You're only making it worse that it really is. You're such a drama Queen. Monica.... I stopped my thoughts. Stop. Leave her alone. She's hurting too.

As I walked to the bathroom a thought crossed my mind. I wonder if Kelly would have been so mean to my dog if she would have known that this was going to happen. (A few days ago Kelly had spent the night at my house and though she thoroughly had no intention of being cruel, she was a bit complacent with Tasha's sniffing welcomes, and occasional licking welcomes.) Suddenly my heart grew cold and I wanted to hate Kelly so badly. But how can I? It's not Kelly's fault. I reminded myself. Monica... you can't take your hurt out on her. You love her too much. She's Kelly.

I changed into my work uniform , completing my everyday routine with contacts and a pony-tail hidden under my Grinder's hat. I didn't think. There was nothing to say. I refused to look at her. Just go to work. Just go. I thought.

I grabbed my backpack and headed for the door.
I stopped at her bed.
"Bye Puppy."
She wagged her tail.
The smile came.

"Monica," my mom's voice came as my hand lay on the doorhandle. "If you come home and she's gone... don't move her or anything. Let Daddy do that. Just put a blanket over her, ok?"

I was frozen.

"Ok."

I didn't check my watch today on the way in to work. I didn't care what time it was. I'd be there when I'd be there.

I managed to distract myself at work for 9 hours quite well. I busied myself with dishes, cleaning, salad prep, sandwiches and anything else that could help me keep from standing still.

The drive home was long. Part of me wanted to race home, but then part of me wanted never to return again. I pulled into the driveway and saw my dad's truck. My dad's not supposed to be home. No one's supposed to be home. I thought. Mom was coming home at 2 to check on Tasha and then... my thoughts stopped. I didn't want to come to the conclusion that lay at the end of that statement.

I got out of the car and walked inside slowly. I didn't know if I was ready for this. I opened the kitchen door and saw what I feared... her bed was empty and the house was silent. I thought nothing. I said nothing. And then... Tasha came walking out from the living room. She wasn't possessed her usually joy, but she was wagging her tail. I never felt so happy to invited her routine rubbing of dog-hair on my pantleg.

"She's not back to her usual self, " Dad's voice came from the living room, "but she's better."



"Better" never sounded so sweet.

Make it my Slave

"...Therefore I run in such a way, as not without aim; I box in such a way, as not beating the air; but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified."~ 1 Corinthians 9: 26-27






Thank You for Your words.



Please help me to wait and listen more so that I may serve You better.

I love You.

Temptation

"Therefore, let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall. No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it." - 1 Corinthians 10:12-13















The Truth.

Bad Guys

I don't really remember how we got on the subject, but Josh and I were talking on the way "home" Saturday evening.

"A bad guy tried to kick me." The five year old informed me with wide blue eyes.
"Well that's not nice. He should learn to be kinder to you. We shouldn't kick people. " I took the opportunity to instill some wholesome theology on the child.
"No, no, no," Josh responded, shaking his head, "Bad guys are supposed to do that. That's their job."
"Oh." And that was the only thing I could think of to say. Little Josh had caught me completely off guard.

Guess he was the one to teach the theology that night.

Early

7 A.M is early. Just thought I'd share since I am nearly in the habbit of seeing 7 A.M. every morning. I gotta tell ya... I'm not a fan. Especially since I don't have to work at 8 every morning, but now my body thinks I do. So... sadly... there are no longer any sleep in days. (cries). My life is falling apart. ;)




The Lord is my Strength and my Peace.

Not Without Aim

"For if I preach the gospel, I have nothing to boast of, for I am under compulsion; for woe is me if I do not preach the gospel. For if I do this voluntarily, I have a reward; but if against my will, I have a stewardship entrusted to me. What then is my reward? That when I preach the gospel, I may offer the gospel without charge, so as not to make full use of my right in the gospel. For though I am free from all men, I have made myself a slave to all, so that I may win more. To the Jews I became as a Jew, so that I might win Jews; to those who are under the Law, as under the Law though not being myself under the Law, so that I might win those who are under the Law; to those who are without law, as without law, though not being without the law of God but under the law of Christ, so that I might win those who are without law. To the weak I became weak, that I might win the weak; I have become all things to all men, so that I may by all means save some. I do all things for the sake of the gospel, so that I may become a fellow partaker of it. Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win. Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things. They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. Therefore I run in such a way, as not without aim; I box in such a way, as not beating the air; but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified."~ 1 Corinthians 9: 16-27 (inspired by God, written by Paul).

*** You might want to read that one a few times slowly. It's pretty loaded. Rock on Paul!!! ***

My Sister Questions Society

This may be old news, but a little while ago Lauryn Hill publically announced on MTV that she has been saved by Christ and has retired her old ways. The following are a few excerpts from a few songs that she has written since then. In listening to a few of her songs that my sister shared with me, I have noticed that she asks a lot of questions to society. She is definately writting deep thoughts that require standards at a greater level than society is willing to give. Bravo Lauryn... welcome to the family, sister.

"... We give rise to ego, by being insecure
The advice that we go, desperatly searching for
The subconscious effort, to support our paramour
To engage in denial, to admit we're immature
Validating lies, Mr. Intentional
Open up yours eyes, Mr. Intentional..."
~ Mr. Intentional ~


"... Stop walking in pride, let the thief be crucified
Un-learn everything you know, and let Him teach you
Line upon line, every step upon pre-step, say goodbye,
To this decaying social system
He wants to know, how far we're willing to go
If we love Him like we say we do,
He will try us

Just don't regress,
Or slip into hopelessness
Once He's satisfied His love,
He won't deny us,

And then He'll tell us,
What, what we gonna do now
Where we gonna go now, what we gonna say now..."
~ Adam Lives in Theory ~ (Adam refers to mankind)

Green Leaves

Yesterday as my mother watered her plants, I observed as she picked the dead leaves off the plants. Being what I would presume to be a great annoyance, I pointed out the dying, sun-scorched, dehydrated plants for my mom.

"That one's dead." I pointed and wrinkled my nose.
" No it's not! It goes through a dormant phase where the flower that has already bloomed withers away. But once the petals have fallen off and it's all gone, it blooms again and produces a really beautiful flower. Look, " She pointed to a few green leaves, "new growth. No, this is alive!"




Dry, dehydrated, sun-scorched, useless, worthless, ugly, unneeded, unwanted, forgotten...

and yet... there is new growth.

The dead leaves had purpose.

There is Life!














You complete me.

Held

By Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it,
let the hatred
NUMB our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies
of the valley and tomorrow.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.


- Just thought I'd share it. Heard it a few times lately on the radio. Hope you get the same privilege.

Little Fingers

God has given me a very big challenge to pay off a Wright State Bill in addition to my regular monthly bills. I really have no idea how this is going to happen. But I trust that the Lord, my Rock and my Salvation will work in ALL ways for my good. But I just have to remember that He is defining "good," not me. So with those thoughts and fears in the back of my mind, I drove to Fairfield last night after borrowing money from my mom to fill my gas tank. I think both of her and I knew that she would never see the money repaid, but she smiled and gave me her check card anyway.

I played the evening away with 2 year old Katie and four year old Josie. Katie was extra sleepy, so she was a clinger, which is highly uncharacteristic of the nonstop "on the go" Katie that I know. Josie was her regular four year-old self, directing and permitting us to play. (Hehe, Four year-old are funny when they go through the bossy stage.)

The evening was wearing down and it was time for Katie to wish us all goodnight. Of course bedtime was never a good idea in Katie's mind, she would much rather stay up and play all evening, despite the yawns and the eye rubbings. She went down with fussing and crying. But after some rocking in the rocking chair, Katie found comfort and rest in her little crib. She's so precious.

Then is was Josie's turn. "Do I have to go to bed?" She began questioning the instant I exited Katie's room.

"Why of course, silly." I laughed. "We all have to go to bed at some point."
"Well, I'm thirsty. Can I have some milk?" was her attempt to avoid the bedtime issue for a while.
So we headed downstairs for some milk. And the bedtime inquiries continued throughout the milk drinking event. Josie, enjoying the brilliance of her four year-old smarts, decided that drinking her milk slowly would allow her to stay up longer. So I poured myself a large glass of milk (despite them having only this nasty health milk for the kids that I knew would taste awful).
"Do you think you can finish your glass of milk before me?" I asked, looking at her inch of milk that was left.
She grabbed her straw and stuck it in her cup and the games began.
I was right... the milk tasted horrible! But I have this cool ability to plug my nose without using my fingers, so the taste eventually dulled out. Josie won, but I was only two gulps from the bottom of my glass and was happy that #1 Josie's milk was gone and #2 mine was nearly in the same condition. "Ok, since you won, we can play one game before bedtime."

After we put together a puzzle, Josie happily scampered upstairs to her parent's room for bed. Josie and Katie share a room, so she gets the privilege of sleeping in mommy and daddy's room until Katie is thoroughly and completely beyond the stages of light sleep. Josie sleeps like a rock, so she never notices when mommy or daddy scoop her up and move her back to her room.

We, being Josie with some help from me, got into pajamas and tucked in the covers to satisfaction. It was cute to see how the little girl sunk into such a huge bed. She looked so small again. It reminded me of how little Katie is in comparison to an adult.
"Do you want me to sit in that chair for a little while until you go to sleep?" I asked, familiar with the routine.
"No," Josie giggled, "I'd never get to sleep with you watching me."

Makes my job easier, I though. And just as I was turning to leave the room, I heard stirring in discomfort with her decision.
"Did you want me to lay with you for a little while?" I asked, figuring that's what mommy or daddy did.
"Yeah," came her quiet, sweet voice.

So I laid down and she fiddled until she was comfortable. I closed my eyes to pretend to sleep, you know... speeds up the process. I opened my eyes a few times to see if it was working and saw her staring at me. "What are you watching me for?" I asked in a silly voice. She just laughed, that tired and out of control laugh that told me that sleep was quickly approaching for her little exhausted body. So I readjusted myself and pretended once again to go to sleep. In all reality, I was exhausted, it had been a long day for me as well. All was quiet, all was still.

And then I felt Josie poking me. What in the world is that child doing? I thought. Shhh, stay still and pretend your asleep. Maybe she's just wanting to avoid bedtime again.
But the poking persisted.

"What are you doing? " I finally asked.
"I want your hand." Came the small voice.
I extended my hand and her little fingers clung to three fingers, since her hand couldn't fully encompasses all five. And then in two seconds flat, she was out. I tried to remove my hand from her exhausted little grip, but as I moved, the fingers latched on tighter, holding me closer and refusing to let go. Such a sweet little thing. I waited patiently until she was in deep sleep and then moved her limp grip to a nearby stuffed friend of hers.

But as silly as it may sound. God really blessed me last night.

It was just another reaffirmation that my Lord will hold my hand through whatever comes. No matter who He uses to do it, He will find a way to tell me... to show me that His hand is and will forever be placed in mine.




I love you, Lord.

Your name ... more and more

"They will hunger no longer, nor thirst anymore; nor will the sun beat down on them, nor any heat; for the Lamb in the center of the throne will be their shepherd, and will guide them to springs of the water of life; and God will wipe every tear from their eyes." - Revelations 7: 16-17

Wonder how much my day would change if I acted with more assurance of this passage.



Boldness is mandatory. I am living for a winning Team. Timidity is not an option.


May Your name be glorified and exemplified more and more in my life.


To You be the glory.