Phat Fat

"Are we going to have a huge kid?" I asked my husband as we were out walking and I suddenly missed being able to see my imaginary pants button.

I would like to first explain that I am not an insecure person when it comes to my weight. I don't believe people have to fit in the anorexia brackets that doctors so frequently describe as your "average weight bracket for your height" but I do know that there is a different between a healthy weight and one contingent upon an over-loaded doughnut intake. I believe there is a happy balance between enjoying that ice cream and enjoying the brussel sprouts (yes, world, I like brussel sprouts).

And it would be purely foolish of me to pretend like I have any idea what my personal pregnancy weight tolerance may be or how easily i will or will not be able to lose the excess weight. It would be like me using the phrase, "usually..." in starting a description of my pregnancy symptoms. Beyond the usually that this week has brought, consistency and certainly experience during this pregnancy have fallen to the lacking side of the scale.

Tolerance I speak of, yes, in regards to weight gain not because I have a hidden obsession about my weight, but because my body is a temple and I want to control the flesh as much as I possibly can. This has fueled my past love/hate relationship with running which resulted in a 3rd place triathlon happening. And I am sure that my desire to dominate my lazy "I want ice cream" selfishness will also fuel further running sessions after the arrival of baby and the disappearance of ice.

But, despite some opinions, pregnancy is not the platform of "free for all" binge eating. I don't feel that it is my excuse to bomb-rush the nearest fast food urge or throw myself at passing ice cream trucks. I am well aware that the weight I carry, good and bad weight, will have it's affects beyond delivery day.

So in light of my thinking, I have broken through my comfortable realm of pride to ask for Matt's help in a round-about prideful way of course. But none the less, he has graciously offered to walk with me on a more regular basis and help with packing healthier choices for my daily in-order-to-avoid-feeling-ill moments at work. (Yes, friends, while I haven't puked at work since 5.5 months into this pregnancy, feeling ill if i don't eat within a 1/2 hour to hour bracket of my first feeling of hunger is an unfortunate side-affect.) Matt has even gone to the extremities of offering to avoid chips and cookies within our household all to aid his bride and child make better choices.
I could never ask him to do so, but his willingness is to be honored.

Either way, I type all this not to notify you cyber and breathing world of my personal woes regarding weight gain (for I really don't think they are woes at all), but because sometimes we need to make more intention to live more healthy lives. And I find that "sometimes" in the last sentence is not situational, but intentional. (If of course there is such thing as an intentional intent.) Therefore, in this daze of feeling completely out of control of this body while this little one dictates my level of acid reflux, sleep, energy, and intake demand, I am taking more delight in the idea of a few lifestyle changes that might just help throttle on these last few months of healthier weight gain.

I haven't done horrible thus far (in fact I'm still in the "normals"- whatever that means), but I certainly can always do better... and should be striving for such endeavors.

So, (raises plate) here's to a night of green beans... and just one slice of what Matt's having - hot wanna-be-healthy pizza - after an evening walk (choking session) with our poochie.

=)

Expression

Have you ever longed to be creative? Not for the shear sake of creativity, but for the sake of expression.

I have a Saturday morning to myself, Matt away being a great youth pastor in paintball world. And me here at the house. It's quiet. And part of me wants a change. An improvement. A new homeyness. With the start of a shower, a comfy pair of jeans, and one of Matt's old t-shirts maybe I'll end up finding some expression of productive creativity. You know, one beyond cleaning. We shall see what this free Saturday morning holds for this creativity-seeking one.

What's your favorite way to express your creativity?

Little One

Pro of 7 months pregnant:
- frequent kicks

Con:
- baby dragging limbs and elbows to scrape along innards

Pro:
- carrying part of my family with me

Con:
- bladder and intestine kicks resulting in quick trips to the bathroom

Pro:
- still being able to get up and down form the floor, though it is becoming more awkward

Con:
- a co-worker informed me that the waddle-walk has become me

Pro:
- No one can tell me that #1 - there's not a baby inside & #2 - it doesn't have a mind of it's own

But in all, friends, it's really neat to feel baby's sleeping and awake patterns, hiccups, response to sugary juices, and migration patterns (while some are becoming more intrusive and painful). There is nothing like watching the faces of friends when they get kicked by our baby. And the increasing reality of the "countdown" being more and more in our favor when it comes to a potential birthday of this little one is quite fun. Part of me anxiously awaits the joy of being able to hold and see our baby, but the other part of me really enjoys the time that I get to spend right now, holding our baby. I often wonder who he/she will look like, what their personality will be like, and what it will feel like to live the normal day in and day out (my favorite part of doing life with Matt) with a little one. Thinking of the joy of being a mom and watching my mom's eyes light up at the thought of being a grandma and watching Matt's elated joy as he gets kicked makes me want to snuggle our baby.

God has so blessed us by this little life and they aren't even "here" yet. Thank you, Lord, for our little one. Thank you.

4 O'clock Confession

So I have a confession to make...
Sunday I went over to Jenney's house after popping into a few stores with Jenney to run a few errands. I held her kitten, Ebony, an all-black and all-loving kitten that sunk into my neck with loud purring. That's right, friends, I want a furry.
Yes, it's been almost 3 weeks since Cheddar has been gone. Kinda odd to think about how long it has felt. But I really do want a purry furry for this purry furry friendly house. No, I haven't talked to Matt. No, the cat can't be anything but tolerant of huge wolf-like dogs. And no I'm not completely rational in my thought process of getting a cat. And also, no I am not going to run out and buy some cat (Matt sighs as he reads this), but...
Yes, I want a furry. A good one. A lovable one. And just maybe sometime in the near (within a year) future some stray furry from the SPCA or something will find it's home with us and the wolf. And who knows... just maybe I'll be able to convince Matt of getting a furry sooner than the "much later" thought process that plagues his responsible self.

= ) I love that man. He keeps me sane.

But sometimes the insane thoughts are fun to dream about.

And watch out Jenney... your kitten just might go missing. ; )

As Promised

For Renee, Aunt Yvonne and all those whom have been waiting... it had been put in the back of my list of priorities for a while, but my Mom busted out a camera and so I figured I'd post an update despite the funky face I have in the picture. Hehe.

Oh and like I told my mom earlier, today at work a man said to me "Woah! Baby's coming any day now, huh?"

Hahaha. Really smooth man!

Somewhere between 2.5 to 3 months to go.
And yes, friends, I have just bumped into the third trimester. Or as my fellow-pregnant-office-space-sharer co-worker says, "the home stretch."

7 Months prego.

Doggone

We came home tonight after getting our soon-to-be-arriving nephew a few baby-shower delights to find two eaten pencils, shredded book and chomped TV remote. That's right, Dakota decided to share her puppy side. So now her puppy side is sitting in her cage for the evening with an occasional commentary of "bad dog" from myself as I cleaned up the mess. With a phone call Matt has a new remote headed our way free of charge. But sadly, Dakota's puppyness has destroyed a book I was reading on some suggested methods to get our baby to sleep in more solid chunks through the night once kiddo comes. Apparently Dakota would like to see me suffer... once tonight and again come my return to work after baby arrives. That's worth a "bad dog" in my book. Upon seeing the mess I announced to my laughing husband regarding leaving Dakota out of her cage when we are gone, "That's the end of that."

Who knows, maybe in a good 10 years she can convince me that she is a good dog again.
J/k

Frosty October Morning

I awoke on this frosty October morning after a good night's sleep (only 1 nightmare, 2 leg cramps, 2 bathroom trips, 1 trip for a drink, and 2 quick wake-ups to roll over). Seriously, friends, that's a good night's sleep for me and I am really blessed by having had such a good night's sleep. I was well overdue and hurtin' for some good sleep.

I've heard MercyMe's new song, "God with us" and it's really put the 'normal' sacrifice in a new light. It's funny how normal the gospel can become and how typical the Christmas miracle can easily write it's way into our regular holiday preparations. Emmanuel, friends... that God would choose to come to us blows my mind. Us... dude... us!!! And that God would stoop from all His glory and righteousness to save our sorry selves. Praise be to God for surely we don't deserve it.
Attached are the following lyrics that have touched my heart on this morning and many mornings previous. It's so powerful. Hey and if you want to borrow the CD from me I'd be more than happy to loan it to you (even way out in Iowa if you want to borrow it, Renee).


"God with Us" by MercyMe

Who are we that You would be mindful of us?
What do You see that's worth looking our way?
We are free in ways that we never should be.
Sweet release from the grip of these chains.

Like hinges straining from the weight,
My heart no longer can keep from singing...


All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified:
Emmanuel!
God with us!
My heart sings a brand new song.
The debt is paid, these chains are gone.
Emmanuel!
God with us!

Lord, You know our hearts don't deserve Your glory;
Still You show a love we cannot afford.

Like hinges straining from the weight,
My heart no longer can keep from singing...


All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified:
Emmanuel!
God with us!
My heart sings a brand new song.
The debt is paid, these chains are gone.
Emmanuel!
God with us!

Compared to Calvary;
Nevertheless,
We lay it at Your feet.
Such a tiny offering
Compared to Calvary;
Nevertheless,
We lay it at Your feet.>


All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified:
Emmanuel!
God with us!
My heart sings a brand new song.
The debt is paid, these chains are gone.
Emmanuel!!!
God with us!!!


***Click on the link to hear an excerpt of the song (you have to pick "God with Us" from the selection list). "God with us" soundbite.

In a half hour

Never underestimate the peace in a quiet half hour to catch yourself and pull it all together. And never underestimate the joy in being kicked for that half hour as a reminder that despite the stresses, there is coming a joy that cannot be put to words. Never underestimate the peace that comes from a silent cry to our Lord for patience and words.

God is good. All the time.
And all the time. God is good.

Even when we can't see how these pieces are going to fit together.


Thanks to those who listened and sent their phone-mailed hugs yesterday.


... one step at a time... one step at a time...

and soon I can look behind and see how I've gotten there one step at a time...

Imbalance

So friends, I'm going to be honest here. This past week at work has been hard. I've stayed late at work nearly every day of this past week. And on Friday I put in an 11 hour day. While this proved to move the week through quite quickly, exchanging time with my husband for no addition to my paycheck is difficult for me. Friday hit a bit hard since baby and I didn't get anything close to a good eating schedule in light of the craziness of work. And that poor eating schedule mixed with sheer exhaustion contributed to an early Saturday morning sickness episode. Odd how when your body needs nutrition you can't seem to keep it down. I met my match this past week. And I guess the thing that makes it harder is that I'm not very assured that this new standard of "staying late" to complete the new paperwork requirements is going anywhere anytime soon. As one who likes to give their best and their all, it's a frustration to leave projects unfinished. But I must admit that my limit has been altered over these past months. The conflict between the standard that I used to be able to hold and the standard that I can now hold is a bit frustrating at times. But I am reminding myself again and again that I am now making decisions for more than just myself.

Either way, I just wanted to share the honesty of the struggle between loving a husband with all your efforts and the desire to dive directly into bed at the end of each day. I'm sure many of these seasoned moms and wives have felt the similar strain of helping provide and love their family as Christ asks. It just begins to concern me regarding caring for my family and keeping this current job in light of last week's (the past few weeks) requirements and the fact that baby is fairly easy to care for right now. The struggle is hard and real some days. But i am so blessed to have a weekend to live my real priorities before entering back into the grind of things.

Love your family and sacrifice accordingly. Even when the going is tough.

Big Dog Avenue

The other week I looked out the window and saw our dog dragging a 6-foot tree branch across our yard. Let's just face it friends, our dog is cool. And Matt was right, no dachshund could accomplish such yard organization.

We need to invest in the "Our dog could eat your preschooler" bumper sticker of pride.


"Where's the dog?" I questioned realising I had not seen her in a while.
"I don't know." Matt's response rose from the intense computerized poker game.
- silence-
"Maybe outside?" he suggested.
(laugh) "Did you put her out there?" I questioned.
"I don't know." came a distracted response.
-silence-
..."It sounds like something I'd do."

Quicky

"Did You get bigger?" My pregnant co-worker asked me today as I sprawled out on her couch for a minute. "You look like you swallowed a basketball!"

Guess it's time for another prego shot for the records. (And mainly for Renee and Aunt Yvonne.)


Today's Cool Thought:
Most women have to drop their babies off at day-care to put in an 8-hour shift. Mine just comes along, doesn't cry and is always well-fed and changed. (At least for a few more months.)

=)

Dakota. Rain. Fall.

Well it's been a week and she's been quite tolerant of my extra lovings (in fact I think she likes it all the more). I do miss Cheddar, but I had closure so that really helps. I haven't cried in a week. But I'm no longer concerned about crying. (yes, Robin... I did just say that.) I just take it as it comes. Oh but did I mention that I missed him cause I do.

For the past two mornings I've woken up before my alarm clock and felt semi-rested. Jackie, a friend, has been having contractions just not close enough together yet to bring their daughter into the world. She's hoping come Sunday (her deceased mother's birthday) she'll have a good reason not to be sitting in the familiar pews. I'm looking forward to her and her family's new addition. "This'll be you in a few months," she has said throughout this journey. She's such a sweet woman and her husband could not be more thrilled about the upcoming birth of his fourth little girl.

Things have just been trucking along here. I've been doing more cooking and my end of the deal when it comes to loading the dishwasher (trying to put on the illusion that we're trying around here). Matt and I bathed the puppy last night so this morning she is good and squeaky clean and soft... for the morning rain that she refuses to pee in.

Rain seems fitting today. I welcome the mellowness it brings.

I was talking to the baby yesterday while in the car (yes, I look crazy). I had forgotten that the baby could hear the outside world for a few weeks and figured I'd flex the insanity to say "I love you." Opened my eyes a little more to a reality that Matt and I are going to be riding in a few months. Family has taken on so much in trying to plan to care for someone we've never known and yet have always known how to care for. Again, it's like a huge guessing game and little one hasn't even showed their face yet. We're so excited at the idea of ruining another's life (just kidding). But it still feels surreal sometimes, despite the strong kicks, flips, and protruding belly.

Fall has arrived. Thanks be to God. how I love the fall. The nip has returned to the air. Pumpkin this, pumpkin that and the fall festivities are in full float. Corn mazes and all. I just love the fall. I can't explain it. It's just so awesome even though we don't really participate in the typical fall activities too frequently. It's just such a wonderful season of beautiful death (I'm talking about the leaves here). =) Yes, indeed, fall is to be thankful for. (Thankful enough to end a sentence in a preposition. - that one's for Robin.)

Okay... better finish rambling and get ready for another "office day" filled with "office stuff" and then real life can happen. =)

Enjoy your day today, all.

Wrap Up/ Thinkings

I got a chance to do some cooking last night. It was nothing special and I'm sure it tasted likewise. But it was neat, nonetheless, to feel like I was contributing to my family in a way that I enjoy without time restraints. We had a bit of a later dinner and my potatoes/creme of mushroom/shredded cheese was of no great hooplah, but again, it was nice to serve Matt and our little baby with a home-made treat.

I've really enjoyed spending time with Matt lately. He was singing Dancing Queen to Dakota the other night. It's surprising how much life he is able to find in between his sniffles and nose-blowings. That's right... we're catching the sick bug around here.

I've been thinking a lot about family and have found a new level of "us" in thinking about how to best serve my family. That's right, this selfish thing is thinking of actually helping out more. Don't get your hope up too much, world, I'm sure it'll fade in a week (just teasing).

Thank you to all whom have called to check-up on me and share your love. I am so blessed by all you caring people (Robin, Jenney, Lydia, Renee, Pastor, Aunt Yvonne, Mom, Dad, Amanda, Jes, and anyone else that this clogged mind fails to mention that is no longer going to ever peak to me again for not putting their name in this entry).

Enjoying normalcy as it becomes a new kind of normalcy. Saturday Matt and I get to play chauffeur for Sarah and her boyfriend, Dexter as they travel to their first homecoming dance. I'm excited to get the chance to ride sidesaddle as Matt schmoozes them and parades about. Maybe I can even steal Jenney's camera and get a few pics of the joy. It still makes me smile to think that Sarah asked Matt to chaperon them and transport them. That's right... Matt made the cool charts again! (Insert "Dancing Queen" chorus)

Enjoy the weekend all ye people of cyberville. And I hope you all find the joy in normalcy.

God bless.

Changing Seasons

This morning at 9:30am Cheddar took his last breath as he was put to sleep. My daddy was there with me to give and receive my sweet furry. And while there is a hurt in knowing that his lifeless body awaits his burial when Matt gets home tonight in it's shoe box, there is this sweet peace that I did all that I could do for him. That we did all that we could do for him.

The house is quite quiet today. But Dakota provides good company, especially for this "not a dog person." The game of fetch has provided much comfort and her movement about the house has helped me a lot. Makes me want to hug her a little closer sometimes.

I miss him. But there is a strange normalcy in this lack thereof. Seasons are changing. The leaves turning colors and the air a bit crisp today.

The wind welcomes my thoughts as I sit on the rusty rocker outside. Dakota running about the yard. And there has been much to think of, and a few good friends to talk to on the inconsistent volume of our land-line. Grocery shopping to be done. The familiar kicks from inside. And the thoughts of how much these seasons really are changing. And how much they have already changed. I said goodbye to my furry today and have cried a few times missing him. But again there's this weird reminder that nothing that I expected is anything like I expected. And for the first time in a while I am reminded yet again that I have no idea what spring will bring, not even the consistency of the flowers.

Family has taken on new meaning over the past week. Priorities anew. And there's this odd feeling of choice in and amongst the chaos.

Seasons are changing. And Dakota and I are going to go outside to watch. What we're looking for, I'm not sure. But watch we must. For tomorrow it may all be different.

saying goodbye.

just the words in the title brought a stream of tears. it's hard to say goodbye to a purr, a meow and a constant game of follow-the-leader. it's hard to hold his body in your hands and know that you can't do anything more for him. it's hard to think of not coming home to the jingle of his bell down the hallway as he runs meowing to greet you. dear friends, this is really hard for me. this is really hard.

matt and i made a very tear-jerking decision today to let go of my cheddar. we can't do anything more to help him. we can't do anything more to heal his worn out body. and no more improvements are being made in his health. so with runny nose and tears streaming i will be picking up my kitty, my furry from the vet. i couldn't possibly live with myself if i had left him there to die in pain when we brought him in for his last diagnosis and examination. so all afternoon the medical staff has been pumping the urine from my kitty for the last time. and they will send home some pain medications which i will administer tomorrow every four to six hours to keep him comfortable as i say goodbye. i really can't bear to think of not hearing his purr anymore or feeling his sweet little head-butting, begging for a good petting.

and i will be honest, dear friends, this sweet little kitty is going to be very hard for me to let go of. yes, he's just a pet but that fact doesn't make this any easier.

matt left for the Michigan funeral today at 3 something. i wanted to go, but i was needed here.

[break for the evening]

the evening went fairly well despite the circumstances. Robin came over for a few hours witnessing Cheddar's last peak and most movement. we just sat on the couch talking about life. toward the end of her stay Cheddar started to get worse, me realising that he wasn't blinking. Jenney came over a half hour after Robin. Jenney did well with Cheddar in light of his failing health. we just talked and monitored. and gave pain pills. and talked. and then the vomiting began again. and i knew it was going to be a long night. i prayed that God would just take him then.

at 1am my alarm went off and i gave him another dose of pain meds. his breathing now hard to decipher, his breaths so shallow. but sporadic movement of his head when i sat down with him. i coaxed the med down. i just don't want him to be in pain in his last few breaths. 5:30am came evidence of more vomiting, attempts to clean him up a bit, more meds, and even shallower breathing. i couldn't feel his breathing to the touch and yet a surveillance of his body and some movement revealed that he was still a shell of the cat i knew. i counted out the pills and i have enough to get him through tonight after matt comes home around 10-11pm. so he'll be able to be medicated until thursday morning when we are able to go put him down. i just can't muster up the strength yet to drive myself there to drop him off without matt. i know i wouldn't be able to drive home. but the thought has crossed my mind to have a friend drive me.

but really i have hit a point of peace about Cheddar going. each time that i hold his frail body i just pray that he will give up. i want him to be painless. but a fighter he persists. and i'll keep the 4-5 hour medicine doses until he either gives up or we can get him in to put him to sleep.

today's going to be a long day. and i really wish matt were here to walk me through it, but i wish him to be at the funeral more. i wish him to be walking his dad through saying goodbye to his dad's brother more. and i am blessed that despite being apart from him, God is giving me such a peace and a strength during these hard last few hours and this upcoming day. i love how God delivers when we haven't even asked. and i trust his perfect timing with Cheddar's departure.

i'm going to go take another nap and again pray that my sweet kitty, my little furry is able to close his eyes without my prompting and go to sleep without intention of waking. i love him so dearly and i just want him to be at rest. that's best for him right now. and even though i would love for "best" to be defined as a healthy cat, i am not to definer. i am just trying to provide as much comfort as i possibly can.

love you, Cheddar. i have already missed you and i'm sure that's not going to go away for a while. but i just want you not to have to fight anymore. i did what i thought was best. and what i thought was most humane with what we could do. love you. goodbye.