Sunday, May 27, 2007

Zits and Life

So sometimes when you get bad news you just have to cry.
It's funny how finances never seemed to bring good news for me.
But bad financial news is never easy to carry.
See, finances are tied to nearly every struggle Matt and I will face in the next upcoming year. And, as Matt mentioned, finances are the number one cause of divorce.

Before you think Matt is a jerk, I am overwhelmingly confident that Matt will never divorce me, so this matter-of-a-fact statement does not scare me.

...

Today has been a hard day. Cheddar kept me up last night and between him and my allergies, I'm just plain exhausted. I began the day thirty minutes behind and got to church 15 minutes late. So, in an optimists world, I shaved 15 minutes off somewhere. Some days you're just late. And that's life.

Once I shook off my grumpy streak and found myself back at home in comfy clothes, I gave Matt a call. That's when I learned about the path God is providing for us. I am not going to lie, the news of not being able to afford an apartment and needing to live in Matt's parent's house for at least the first year of our marriage was quite hard to hear. At first I took it well, kicking into survival mode. "We can make it." My thoughts denied my emotions. But some things you just have to work through. It's like the idea of leaving Apex, it just must sit with you a while so you can grieve it and move on.

But I can be honest, the news of our financial stability did not stop there. Next year is going to be so much more challenging than this past one. All the people at Matt's house, the thought of not being able to keep Cheddar (my coping strategy), the thought of Matt being busy a lot, and a new job, and even if the Stauffers do let me keep Cheddar, the thought of not being able to find him in a huge house when I need him the most brought tears to my eyes. How can my world fall apart like this? Suddenly the thought of all the furniture God has provided didn't matter anymore. Where will we put it? I just sat in my room holding Cheddar (despite him not wanting to be there) and let it all out. Poor Cheddar got a shower. I got covered in cat hair. And my nose ran uncontrollably. - I just had to get it out.- I haven't cried that hard in a very long time. I don't think I ever grieved Apex that hard before.

Dear friends, it doesn't mean God is any less of a providing God. It doesn't mean God's provision of furniture isn't a promise of what's to come. It doesn't mean that He doesn't want us to be together. It just means that it's going to be a challenge and some days I'll do well with it, and other days I will drench my cat in tears.

...

I have never been spoiled by glamorous photos. I've never taken Senior pictures because they were far too expensive. I don't have a senior class ring and I can't even find my high school diploma anymore. I won't be walking at my college graduation and I haven't done any other monumental thing. But one thing I will be blessed with and that's getting engagement pictures taken with Matt tomorrow. No, we can't afford ridiculously expensive photography-quality pictures. (We won't even have them at our wedding). But a dear friend of mine, Chris, has happily volunteered to take his best photos for the price of the film. So, in light of my past, this means a lot to me. So much that I got a bit vein about my two zits. Oh well, that's life for ya. You don't have super huge zits until you're doing a "once in a lifetime" thing. [I expect to have zits in my wedding pictures too. ] I wanted to get my hair trimmed, but I can't afford it, so I think I'll cut off some split ends on my own. Maybe Robin can help. Matt didn't have time for a haircut, but knowing how much it meant to me, he called to tell me that he'd made a trip to the mall and would even be shaving tomorrow since it looked like a porcupine hit him in the face.

I am so in love with Matt and so blessed that he cares so deeply about me that he'd struggle to find extra time to get "cleaned up" and "nicely dressed" because it means something to me.

...

So today's had it's ups and downs. This basket-case is continually on the verge of tears and completely overwhelmed by the joy of loving Matt at the same time.

"We'll do just fine." He said today. "It's just going to be a big challenge this next year. But if you can't find a job, I'll quit school and get another one. We'll survive. And then the next year, after I'm done with school, it won't be drastically different, but it'll be a little better than the year before. ... It'll be okay. I love you."

- I love you too, Matt.

I know God will pull us through.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Just Some Math

Yesterday = 17 months and 94 days.

Today = 93 and 17 months + one day.

If 93 days, then it will be 20 months.

3 to go.
93 to go.

And to think what it used to be...

Thanks be to God!

Friday, May 11, 2007

Praise Be


Praise be to the Lord, our God, King of all creation... whose words can melt a heart and split the strongest nation...


Here I sit bee-boppin (a technical term) in my head to a rockin' praise song as externally the AC consumes the quiet of a friday at practicum. Whomever said fridays are chaos in a social work agency has never been to CHOICES, Inc. I have a half hour to kill and nothing creatively fun is entertaining my mind here at CHOICES. I wonder if I'm really cut out for a nine to five job. My bills seem to think so. But my creativity rebels.


Yesterday was Matt's 21st birthday. 9Happy Birthday again, Matt). We both were surprised when "sixteen people" showed up at the Stauffer's for a "small" family birthday party. Matt and his old sister, Ellen, have back-to-back birthdays, so a family birthday party was definitely in order.


In other news, today marks 106 days until I marry Matt and the word "engagement" has popped up in the vocabulary of one who is very close to me (but I'm not sure if they want the world knowing about their thought yet so they will remain nameless).


I also got to hold my niece last night. She's a whoppin' one week old and so freakin' cute. I love that baby to pieces (only I hope that'd never be a condition she'd face).


"How are wedding plans?" Everyone always asks. "They're going well" I leave a vaguely open statement hanging in the air. To bring more detail I could say that they are going quite well. As Matt told a friend last night "they're 97.43% done. There's just little details and last minutes to do." You know, like invitations. ;) But my mom's so graciously taken all the invitations (I'm transporting them down there tonight) and has come up with a standard format and wording for them. Sometimes soon we will start the printing part and on Memorial day Matt, Mom, Robin (?), Kelly (?), Jes (?), and anyone else who wants to help will meet up at my apartment and assemble them all. Guestimation of how many we'll be sending out? 150 or so. And a guesstimation of how many people will show up at the wedding ceremony? maybe some 250 or so. Afterall, Matt's inviting his whole church and Apex can handle it.


Every day it's becoming more and more real that this whole wedding thing is coming quite quickly. And while the thought of standing before 250+ times 2 eyes gives me the heebie-geebies (again, a technical term), the idea of marrying my dearest friend is overwhelmingly joyful. "Are you getting excited?" a friend asked me. I think she could see it in my face. The word "excited" can barely contain the joy I am holding. I'm just trying not to be overly excited, and therefore, get hiccups for the next 3 and a half months. I'll wait until the 30 day countdown for hiccups to become a normalcy in my life.


With each passing day the thought of leaving Apex becomes more normal in my life. The thought of moving on the Miamisburg First Baptist becomes more of a normal transition and less of a stressor. God has built up my faith at Apex that I may be able to serve Him to the ends of the earth and the entrance door to the ends of the earth is entitles "Miamisburg First Baptist Church". It's absolutely awe-striking to imagine where God could take us. It is amazing to think of how God could use two people that say "where ever You want us, we'll be". Ohio, Wisconsin, Nevada, Maine, Africa... wherever... we're following the One worthy of all praise.


Indeed, Praise be to the Lord, our God, King of all creation... whose words can melt a heart and split the strongest nation...I will ever put my trust in Him, though the world be shaken... I will not be moved.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

The Cost

I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my soul
Give You all of my praise

You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer and
Pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I'm needing
I will say to You...

It's gonna be worth it
Gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all

I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my soul
Give You all of my praise

You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer and
Pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I'm needing
I will say to You...

It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all

It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe all my pain (It's gonna be worth it)
All my joy (It's gonna be worth it)
It's gonna be worth it all

And around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, Lord, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I'm needing
I will say to You...

You're all I'm needing Lord, You're all I'm needing
I will lift my voice to You and say...

You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe know.


- "Worth It All"
song by: Rita Springer

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Away


You know? These past few weeks have been hard. This quarter has been so overwhelming and I came to the realization about a week ago that I have lost my character in the shuffle of this year's requirements. Long days, short nights and stress after stress has finally found victim in my personality. But in all the time that I have been kicking and complaining this quarter about my lack of rest, I have found failure after failure.
I opened my eyes tonight to see this...
an open hand...
I read these lyrics a few days ago from a friend's site...
" Come with me my love
step out on the wave
step out into faith
Fix your eyes on me
look past the stormy sea
look past your stumbling feet

and i know you’re afraid

but i’ll take your hand
hold you close
pull you in
and though you can’t stand
I still can
I still Am"
And as easily as this song creates flight in lyrical form within my head (even without ever hearing the song), I come to the realization that maybe, just maybe away...
is so much closer than I thought...

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Resulting...



Allergies suck!

To the Doctor




Yep... I'm going at 9:45a.