Things around here have been. Work is. Home has always been.
We got a cat. We really inherited him from Mom and Dad.
He fits well. He helps with his purring and loving in the morning.
I miss her. I knew I would and time doesn't change that. And at different times during the day it's like the flood just catches up with me. And I want to hold her more than anything.
And I wonder how God ever gave up His Son. Especially when all I want to do is hold her close.
I just want to hold her - while I still can.
The youth are doing well. They appear to be enjoying their 'prime years'.
The weather's turning nicer. Evening walks are relaxing.
Exercise is endurance building.
And life is happening.
And every moment I get to sit next to my best friend on the couch, with his dog nearby, cat on the back of the couch and our baby in arms feels like I'm right where I'm supposed to be.
We've started a challenge. Philippians by April 2010. 2 verses per week. Me and Matt. And with God's fueling, I really believe we can do it. On my own... not a chance!
And so it goes, and so it goes... and you're the only one who knows.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Coming
... When doubting floods your soul
Though all things feel unjust
You open up your heart
You find a way to trust
That's a little stone that's a little mortar
That's a little seed that's a little water
In the hearts of the sons and the daughters
The kingdom's coming
When fear engulfs your mind
Says you protect your own
You still extend your hand
You open up your home
When sorrow fills your life
When in your grief and pain
You choose again to rise
You choose to bless the name
That's a little stone that's a little mortar
That's a little seed that's a little water
In the hearts of the sons and the daughters
The kingdom's coming
In the mundane tasks of living
In the pouring out and giving
In the waking up and trying
In the laying down and dying
That's a little stone that's a little mortar
That's a little seed that's a little water
In the hearts of the sons and the daughters
The kingdom's coming
"Kingdom Comes" by Sara Groves
-It's all a process. -
Though all things feel unjust
You open up your heart
You find a way to trust
That's a little stone that's a little mortar
That's a little seed that's a little water
In the hearts of the sons and the daughters
The kingdom's coming
When fear engulfs your mind
Says you protect your own
You still extend your hand
You open up your home
When sorrow fills your life
When in your grief and pain
You choose again to rise
You choose to bless the name
That's a little stone that's a little mortar
That's a little seed that's a little water
In the hearts of the sons and the daughters
The kingdom's coming
In the mundane tasks of living
In the pouring out and giving
In the waking up and trying
In the laying down and dying
That's a little stone that's a little mortar
That's a little seed that's a little water
In the hearts of the sons and the daughters
The kingdom's coming
"Kingdom Comes" by Sara Groves
-It's all a process. -
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Returning to Autopilot
"That must be hard," is the typical response to anything relating to returning to work. Everywhere I turn someone else is attempting to empathize with a feeling that does not exist. I am not anxious about leaving the baby. I am not depressed. I am not falling apart and crying every morning. In fact, the transition was oddly easy.
Because at 5:30 in the morning when the alarm goes off I hit autopilot. A list of things hits me that I have to complete before opening the garage door. A surreal silence echos through the otherwise sleeping household. Get socks, fix hair, brush teeth, grab yogurt, get bag... With two kisses, an "I love you" exchanged and a replacing of a pacifier that is needed from the rustling I find myself opening the garage door. Autopilot soars through the quiet neighborhood. Autopilot gets in line with all the other brake lights. Autopilot half-heartedly sings along to Celine Dion's dominance of the car speakers. Autopilot goes at green and stops at red. Autopilot parks, walks, opens office door, turns on computer. Autopilot does not think about what else could be done, what else could be more productive than the 7-4, milestones that are being missed or time that is vanishing. Autopilot just goes, goes, goes. Autopilot doesn't count the minimal sleep hours because then it would have to own them. Autopilot doesn't think. Autopilot just goes, goes, goes. And it is just hoped that by the time autopilot fails I find myself back with the ones I love.
This is how a wanna-be-stay-at-home mom works a full-time job.
Because at 5:30 in the morning when the alarm goes off I hit autopilot. A list of things hits me that I have to complete before opening the garage door. A surreal silence echos through the otherwise sleeping household. Get socks, fix hair, brush teeth, grab yogurt, get bag... With two kisses, an "I love you" exchanged and a replacing of a pacifier that is needed from the rustling I find myself opening the garage door. Autopilot soars through the quiet neighborhood. Autopilot gets in line with all the other brake lights. Autopilot half-heartedly sings along to Celine Dion's dominance of the car speakers. Autopilot goes at green and stops at red. Autopilot parks, walks, opens office door, turns on computer. Autopilot does not think about what else could be done, what else could be more productive than the 7-4, milestones that are being missed or time that is vanishing. Autopilot just goes, goes, goes. Autopilot doesn't count the minimal sleep hours because then it would have to own them. Autopilot doesn't think. Autopilot just goes, goes, goes. And it is just hoped that by the time autopilot fails I find myself back with the ones I love.
This is how a wanna-be-stay-at-home mom works a full-time job.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
"There she goes...
there she goes again..."
Friday night Rachael decided to sleep for eight hours. I woke up after 7 hours because my body hasn't slept for seven hours straight in about 8 or 9 months now so it's forgotten how to get good sleep in one chunk. I wondered if Rachael's night was a fluke.
Last night, even with the time change, Rachael slept for 8 hours. Too bad I woke up a few times last night and when the alarm went off it felt like my body had been through a blender. So two extra strength Tylenol later and there is much rejoicing in this household.
It's funny, but in Rachael's sleeping patterns she seems to dabble in the next highest amount a bit before settling for a little. She briefly started at 3 hours at a time at night, bounced into 4 hours and then chose to stick with it, then she jumped to 6 for a couple of sporadic nights, then settled on five for a while, then hit 7 twice,and settled on 6 for a while, and now she's hit 8. So even if she goes with her trend of sticking with 7, that's completely doable. (And right in time for Mommy returning to work.)
Now if only we could teach my body not to hate me...
I had another realization last night as the baby smiled a huge animated smile at me, that baby's ours. Blew my mind again.
Thanks be to God!
Friday night Rachael decided to sleep for eight hours. I woke up after 7 hours because my body hasn't slept for seven hours straight in about 8 or 9 months now so it's forgotten how to get good sleep in one chunk. I wondered if Rachael's night was a fluke.
Last night, even with the time change, Rachael slept for 8 hours. Too bad I woke up a few times last night and when the alarm went off it felt like my body had been through a blender. So two extra strength Tylenol later and there is much rejoicing in this household.
It's funny, but in Rachael's sleeping patterns she seems to dabble in the next highest amount a bit before settling for a little. She briefly started at 3 hours at a time at night, bounced into 4 hours and then chose to stick with it, then she jumped to 6 for a couple of sporadic nights, then settled on five for a while, then hit 7 twice,and settled on 6 for a while, and now she's hit 8. So even if she goes with her trend of sticking with 7, that's completely doable. (And right in time for Mommy returning to work.)
Now if only we could teach my body not to hate me...
I had another realization last night as the baby smiled a huge animated smile at me, that baby's ours. Blew my mind again.
Thanks be to God!
Monday, March 02, 2009
Will We Be Speechless?
I'm sitting here at the computer serving breakfast to our little one. And it hit me, how many moms' life goal is to be able to provide a typical meal for their little one? Matt and my little one will hopefully never experience the unmet need for food. While our family goal for me to be stay-at-home mom may be met one day in the near future, I can always work if our family hits a hard spot. How many mothers in our world would die for that opportunity to provide for their children?
I was surfing around this morning and reading about a small step that Matt and I have discussed. Tears came to my eyes as my heart broke for the little ones in need. It's sad how typical it is for our culture to arrogantly sweep people under the "third world" rug as if someone else out there will help pick them up. And if we are going to make a difference in their life, we would much rather arrogantly parade into their lives and show them how to use the Internet or how to be a business man as if they are so poor in their own cultures and therefore we should save them from themselves. Yes, the Christian church has made mistakes in the past of being the leading body of "we'll teach you how you should live" influences, but the Christian church has also been the largest and most consistent body of people who have come to successful aid of the poor. No other organization has provided disaster relief, aid to the poor, and sustaining of third world country's resources and lifestyles in the world. And many times the Christian church fully funds their own missions at literal cost to the workers volunteering to go provide aid.
The youth group will soon be embarking on a 30 hour famine. While 30 hours of fasting in acknowledgement of life outside of North America (and sadly even inside in some places) may sound useless to some, it is at least a start in having a more Christ-centered view of the nations. In addition to the self-awareness piece of the 30 hour famine, the youth have been raising money to send to buy food to send to those starving. Oh yes, these efforts can come with much criticism from those still sitting on the sidelines, but the fact remains that doing nothing can only be a profession for so long.
There are a bunch of ways to help provide aid to those who most need it, we must only see the world through Christ's eyes and obey what we have already been commanded to do. Why does it matter what others think or say? Why does it matter what we gain as a result of our works? The call is still the call. And one day, at judgement, we will all give a response for what we did and did not do with what we have been given.
What will you say?
I was surfing around this morning and reading about a small step that Matt and I have discussed. Tears came to my eyes as my heart broke for the little ones in need. It's sad how typical it is for our culture to arrogantly sweep people under the "third world" rug as if someone else out there will help pick them up. And if we are going to make a difference in their life, we would much rather arrogantly parade into their lives and show them how to use the Internet or how to be a business man as if they are so poor in their own cultures and therefore we should save them from themselves. Yes, the Christian church has made mistakes in the past of being the leading body of "we'll teach you how you should live" influences, but the Christian church has also been the largest and most consistent body of people who have come to successful aid of the poor. No other organization has provided disaster relief, aid to the poor, and sustaining of third world country's resources and lifestyles in the world. And many times the Christian church fully funds their own missions at literal cost to the workers volunteering to go provide aid.
The youth group will soon be embarking on a 30 hour famine. While 30 hours of fasting in acknowledgement of life outside of North America (and sadly even inside in some places) may sound useless to some, it is at least a start in having a more Christ-centered view of the nations. In addition to the self-awareness piece of the 30 hour famine, the youth have been raising money to send to buy food to send to those starving. Oh yes, these efforts can come with much criticism from those still sitting on the sidelines, but the fact remains that doing nothing can only be a profession for so long.
There are a bunch of ways to help provide aid to those who most need it, we must only see the world through Christ's eyes and obey what we have already been commanded to do. Why does it matter what others think or say? Why does it matter what we gain as a result of our works? The call is still the call. And one day, at judgement, we will all give a response for what we did and did not do with what we have been given.
What will you say?
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