Dollhouse

There's so much I could write here. There's so much Iw as thinking on the way in to work today. There's an outpouring word vomit of distresses that have plagued my life lately and have slowly chipped away at my sanity until only a piece remains...

But it all boils down to one thing...

I don't like where God has me right now.

Sarah left the church Sunday. And it hurt then. But it hurts now too... a bit worse. See, she was the only real friend I had there. And the only one even remotely close to my age. And it's funny how much it meant to me to see her there. And knowing that I won't see her there anymore hurts. It hurts like knowing I won't see Robin at church hurt... and still does sometimes hurt, even though I never expected her to be at Miamisburg.

And it's funny how one more straw added to the heaping pile is just tearing me down. Some days this load feels unbearable.

I feel like all I do is complain.

Kelly called me yesterday to tell me she was back from Africa and could potentially have Malaria. And I felt like all I did was let out this whirlwind of hurt when she asked me how I was doing.

I'm afraid to talk to people because I don't want to lie about how I feel, but the truth is not too pretty right now.

Alone.

- missing Robin and alone.

Last night I tried to take a "night off" but I've come to realise that I no longer have time that I can take for myself that doesn't leave me feeling guilty for skipping something else.

When did this year become last?

And why can't I choose anymore?

When did this life become a chaos consuming character?

You know it's funny, but I wish I had a smile for Robin. I mean, my best friend deserves a smile. She deserves a Friday night hang-out without tears shed and without "what's left of me" to offer. She deserves a best friend.

- missing Robin.

- alone.

Because it Changes

Today I feel old again. Yes, I can no longer tell people that I am 22. But even though I haven't been 22 for a almost 2 weeks now, I just feel old.

Yes, world, I am 23, in a semi-stable employment opportunity, married, and officially in that "slowing down" part of life.

And it's funny how at the brink of college you thought life would be such a huge adventure with mountain peaks around every corner. How naively young...

But yes... life has "slowed down" to it's time-consuming, exhausting pace.

Friends have moved.

And I've come to think that alone was what I wanted all last year...

and yet now that I'm in it...

I wonder where everyone went.

Rodger brought Becca in to work today. It was a blessing. My little neice got a bit fussy while Rodger was meeting with our boss so I inherited the child for a while. There is nothing like that warm "you are familiar to me" smile across the face of that ten-month old. So she sang and banged a toy tiger on the desk as I typed. It was a litte breath of fresh air.

"You'd make a good mom," a co-worker said as she came by and Becca burried her face in my shoulder. (She's started this new shyness thing.) Then she returned to her singing, banging and teething on my wedding ring and fingers.

I just love that kid to pieces.

She was a nice addition to this otherwise quiet day...

Flicker

You know Lord,
Sometimes I don't understand why You have me where I am. I don't know why the things that hurt do and why home is such a hard concept some days. I don't know why this transition period seems to be a forever period. Or why time seems to evade us and melt into the distance. It's weird how this light of hope seems like an illusion that is nearly burning out and yet I know so much better than to believe that lie. It's like some days seem like years of being stuck in a hole with only a little wick left. The question then remains if I will look toward the light, or merely stare into the overwhelming darkness.

Savior, You can move the mountains.
My God is mighty to save.
He is mighty to save.
Forever, Author of Salvation.
He rose and conquered the grave.
Jesus conquered the grave.

Please, Lord... move me or move my mind......

And a nap would be nice.

-end post.-

Moving on

I was talking to my best friend a few weeks ago. Change... it radiates through life as this child becomes more experienced and lost in the adult world. And it's funny how change sometimes makes you want what was... or maybe that's just me.

Goodbye Andi... enjoy a new state. I will miss you.

I already do.

And then there's facing the change that has happened. And it's funny how unprepared and yet prepared you feel thinking about everything that is to come.

Some day moving boxes will fill our home. And Matt and I will pick up everything we have known and try to make a home wherever God brings us. But even without moving boxes, God still moves us from everything we have to a new place. A new life... A new life-lesson.

"Everybody hopes

That maybe somewhere down this road

We'd finally find that place where we belong

That place where we're complete

The one that occupies our dreams

That place we're lucky to call our home

Well, I have arrived

And I can't keep this inside

So I riase my hands and shout Your name

To praise You with my song

My dreams at hand, I've found my place

the place where I belong..." (MercyMe- The Place Where I Belong)

Throughout all this change... and the change that will come... One remains.

Thank You, Lord, that You remain no matter where life takes our friends and family.

You are the Hope that remains. You are the Hope within.

"So I riase my hands and shout Your name
To praise You with my song
[Your] dreams at hand, I've found my place
the place where I belong..."