Quick Post Before Silence

This weekend marks our move-out and move-in weekend. That's right, to the parsonage we go. Praise the Lord! So Matt and I, with much loving help from our friends and family, will take all the belongings of our little one-bedroom apartment and try to make it look like it belongs in our new 4 bedroom house.

I am so excited, people. So excited! All these wonderful ideas are popping into my head as I think about the new space that the Lord has loaned to us for a while. And with new hedge trimmers (which were free to us thanks to an Aunt's gift card - thanks Aunt Greer) I sincerely find joy within my heart as I think of cutting back the overgrown shrubs. All the excitements and joys of a new place that Matt and I will be blessed to raise our starting family is coming at me at once.

Also, next weekend my sister gets married. YAY JES! And I get a new brother (even though I technically already had him as a Brother). I'm so excited and despite the fact that I will be going through the ringer with Jes in last minutes and welcoming incoming family, I really am looking forward to the exhaustion that it will all bring. Because at the end of the long days, my sister will be married to our new family member. And that's super cool! I'm so excited for she and Nayt.

So, needless to say, with all that the Lord is giving Matt and I to joyfully accomplish over this weekend, this upcoming week and next weekend... this blog may be a little quieter than my fairly consistent ramblings. (Cause work is pickin' up quick here and I will be focused on wedding stuff Wednesday - Saturday night.)

So, I warn you all a head of time to grab some extra Kleenex and be ready for the separation anxiety that I'm sure will not be experienced. =) Take care, all!

Steak Baby!

this pregnant woman's weak spot

mmmm, mmmm, so good

Today's Day

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A Walk in the Past

Have you ever run across someone you used to know? Well it happened to me a little while ago. And without trying to be a complete jerk (though I'm sure I really can be and have been) there just are some people that you wold prefer to leave in your past. I'm not talking about some haunting, "I shouldn't have done that," past memory. I'm just talking about, "I have moved on and I'd like to progressing on," kind of past memory.

God placed a defining decision before me. And I made a decision for His glory that changed my life direction forever. I chose the harder road. I picked the "not right in front of you" road that had risk of leaving my dreams in the dust.

But a little while ago I looked back at what was left behind. And I really didn't want to.
But sometimes when you run into people of the past, you look back by default... for that is where that person belonged.

You know, but there's this eerie feeling. This "I don't want to go there" feeling. This awkward "I wonder who you really are" feeling and yet this desire to no longer know the answer. It's kind of hard because you can only remember that person as they once were and yet you really wonder if they have grown on. But part of you really just doesn't want to know.

Maybe I'm just a psycho...
but it's really kind of weirded me out a bit over the past few days

and in risk of being a complete jerk, I really would just prefer not to go there ever again.


... maybe they felt that way too ...

At Least We Know...

“Then Moses returned to the Lord, and said, ‘Alas, this people has committed a great sin, and they made a god of gold for themselves. But now, if You will, forgive their sin-and if not, please blot me out from Your book which You have written!’ The Lord said to Moses, ‘Whoever has sinned against Me, I will blot him out of My book.” [Exodus 32: 31-33]

Sometimes I just want a feel-good response from God. I’m not having a good day… pity me, Lord, whine, whine, whine…And I really want God to say, “Awww, poor baby, come here let me take all your troubles away and make everything all better instantly.”

But we don’t serve a Sugar Daddy God. He’s not there to hand me a good day on a plate because I chose to call Him Daddy. I mean come on, taking up a cross daily (Luke 9:23) is not a walk-in-the-park kind of experience! And yet so many times I want to see more flowers and feel a light breeze on a fake park-walk Christianity.

I read this passage this morning from Exodus. It really floored me how “This is reality” God was with Moses about sin. Moses cries out in a passionate plea for the people of Israel and God speaks a harsh, but real Truth. Moses so passionately hands the Lord his eternity in place of the people of Israel, with whom Moses was just furious ( a righteous anger as Matt calls it). But even beyond that, the Truth is still the Truth. Sin causes separation. There must be a payment for sin. And the people haven’t paid it. Sin causes great consequence.

God’s mysterious grace continues in the following verses as He promises to send His angel with the people to guide them, yet the punishment still remains (Exodus 32:34-35). The discipline is still necessary.

And as uncomfortable and inconvenient as the honest Truth may feel, we are so blessed to at least know the Truth. I mean could you imagine what the desert wandering could have been if God had chosen not to tell Moses that sin equals blotting out of the book? What disillusion Israel would have created and lived in. What fake reality.

The Old Testament is a huge flashing neon sign pointing toward the need for and the coming of Jesus Christ as Savior. So for those of you who have this unsettling feeling in your stomachs after reading the unfinished “blot you out” words of God, please do take it in full context. Not only is Christ coming to be the perfect sacrifice for our sin so that we could be in God’s book of life, but also God goes on to lead his rebellious and sinful Israelites through the desert for 40 years! He daily leads the people and while that particular generation of Israelites never makes it into the promised land as a consequence of their sin, God pours out His mercy and grace in allowing their children to experience His blessing in the promised land.


But even in light of the whole picture context and the cut-down-to-just-Exodus-32-and-prior context, it still delivers quite a wake-you-up punch of Truth. God doesn’t hold anything back and speaks the Truth in love to His people.

Even when the Truth hurts, He still knows and does best.



- What has He revealed to you through these passages? -

Mom Concept Ramblings

Some days it's hard to believe that 3 and almost 1/2 months of nausea equals a baby. [Yes, I'm aware that they're in there for longer than that.] And yes, I am confident that while my first trimester ends on Wednesday (or according to our insurance, ended a few days ago) the nausea will carry with me. Why am I convinced? Well, vomiting entered it's late-stage presence during week 11 of pregnancy and it has only become a more steadily available option. And according to the Doctor's experience, the nausea was suppose to tapper off and get less severe after week ten. Well, week ten was fiercely nauseated. But week 11 brought projectile. And then week 12 brought wipe-out, especially at the end. And week 13 has brought the routine of throwing up at work at least once per day and then moving on with life. I've really began to get good at the system, sadly.

Last night at about 5:15p we heard our baby's heartbeat. "Don't get upset if we can't hear it yet," the Dr. explained as she lubricated my stomach and put the microphone close, "it's hard to catch it s..." and then our child filled the room with a steady thump-thump. "That's a strong heartbeat," a med student said.

And for a few seconds, I just wanted to hold the baby right then and there. I was so proud.
Well done, little one, well done.

It just became a little more real, especially since a few days earlier I told Matt I didn't feel pregnant. "You are." He remarked quickly.

It's funny but some days it feels like Matt and I are playing parents. We're playing expecting. We're playing a beginning family. And it's weird to think that my dreams of being a mom, the very thing I could not be more sure that God has set me apart to become... it's actually closer than I can imagine.

I don't care what any scientist may say... there's a baby inside of me. No mere word "fetus" can capture the pure miracle that God is making within me. That in there folks, is a baby.

And it's my baby.

Yet some days that concept is so crazy to me. And I think... did I just say my baby? Mine?

See, I've taken the spit up, the nasty diapers, the throw up and so many other "mom-like" drawbacks of a good handful of kids in my lifetime. I've done some of the dirty work, the cooking, the staying up all night, and even witnessed many hours of tantrums and biting and you name it. But I've never claimed to be a mom, despite the fact that I've been accidentally called mom by many kids. No, I am well aware that moms have far greater sacrifice and a far deeper love. Yet, I've often felt a depth of love for the kids I have been blessed to care for... those are my kids. For that point in their life, they were part my kids. [Maybe I'm just crazy, but I really loved them all that much.] And I'd take care of a sick child, and do all the other "mom-like" things all over again, in the blink of an eye... it's just what I love to do.

But now it's a bit crazy to think that to this little baby growing inside of me, I'm going to be mom. "Mom" like what I think and what I feel when I think of my mom. That's mom... and I'd do anything for her... She's always there when you most need, reliable, and ready for a hug.
That's my mom.

I love her so much.


- a mom -

Recap

Yesterday was awful- puking (in car), crying, exhaustion, wit’s end
Last night was a blessing – Matt came home from his trip
Today is a relief – the child behaves when it’s father is near ~ minor nausea, productivity, life in steps, smiling, laughing

Today's 13 weeks.
Dr. appt Monday – get to hear heartbeat and schedule ultrasound.

Silently

There used to be this little girl in my crazy four year old preschool room. She was the middle child of three children. And with my group of fours there would be days that they would try every ounce of patience I had to my name. There would be days that I would get the crew from the morning teacher and the morning teacher would be beat red with frustration. There’s only so many times one can repeat themselves before the lesson plan becomes impossible and when attempting to get the class under control is the primary focus, the ABC’s get swept under the rug. Would the school split the group up? No and I really don’t know why. But that year all of the “problem” children were placed in one four year old class of terrors. And I must admit, some days I would get frustrated. And some days I would feel like nothing I did could help this bunch of children. No love I showed them could convince them to calm down. They only seemed to respond to punishments and I really didn’t like handing them out.

So each day as the numbers dwindled toward the end of what had been for some of these children a ten hour day, the class became a bit more manageable. I found myself looking forward to those quieter moments of free-play backed by a soft musical tape. The smaller group could handle unstructured play. The smaller group I enjoyed. And it was at the end of the day that sometimes I would find myself a pile of rejected, decaying defeat.

But she would come, sometimes at my beckon, and she would sit in my lap or bear-hug my neck. This appeared to be her favorite time of day too. She would lay her little head on my shoulder, soaking up a love that was considered “babying” at home. And she wanted this love more than she wanted to play. Silently, with little movement she would soak up her love and bring a smile to my face. And through her, the Lord gave me hugs of grace. Hugs of mercy. And as I scratched her back or played with her long blonde hair, a healing from the day would happen. And I would feel like just maybe tomorrow was bearable.

Today I missed her hug.

What Stayed Down Today

Victory is sweet!!!

This Lady

You know what's funny? I bother this lady all the time. And yet she still acts like she likes me.

I'm impressed. Truly impressed.

Today's convo? "I'm at the dentist. I'm going to have to call you back."

And you know what floors me the most?

She answered!

A Stroll

Last night I came home from the church and was fiercely hungry. And in the High school realm of over-dramatization, "I thought I was going to DIE!" And the first thought on this pregnant woman's mind? Steak baby! Steak and mashed potatoes and ooh some buttery rolls...

I called my husband and you know what he said?!

Ok.

Seriously, could he get any more sweet. My husband, the one who cringes at the sight of expenses (which is good cause I'm a lot more weak with finances) said "Ok" to a non-date-night eating out. He is my hero!

On the drive back, with belly happily filled, we swung by their house to fulfill a promise.

Inside we headed to pick up their livelihood for a few hours. Our conversation as we entered the door where Ellen and Ron's company sat? Post-term abortion of a make-believe seventeen year old child if they ever mentioned having sex outside of marriage. Talk about shocking company as Matt and I joked around with serious purity undertones. Oh well... they're not our friends. Let's just call it adding to the conversation... that Ellen and Ron had to explain for the next hour or so. (heh)

And what did that sweet child do? She had the biggest smile when she saw us. Talk about melting one's heart.

So back to the apartment we went, baby in arms. And I agree with Matt, as we walked from the car with diaper bag, overfilled bucket of toys, and young toddler in hand... it looked like we just kidnapped someone's baby. And I'm sure the neighbors sitting outside and hearing Matt's words were put at ease.

She wandered around the house as I tried to wash the cups and Matt proceeded to put a laundry basket over his head and make strange noises to "entertain the child." (I love that man!) When she got a bit tired of wandering and staying away from the cat food, we took the adventure to the great outdoors. You should have seen Matt with a stroller. There was not a "trying to look cool" bone in his body as he took off tearing down the sidewalk with the little one smiling from the rocky journey. Then he tipped the stroller onto it's back wheels screaming, "WOAH! WOAH!" And then came his head protruding through the sun shade, resulting in Matt wearing the stroller and standing in a frog-like position. (He absolutely kills me sometimes!) But she loved it! [Having a hard time getting a picture of this? The stroller was much like the one above, only green, so Matt stuck his head through the openning of the sun shade from the back of the stroller.]

The park was fun too! I really can't tell you how sweet it was to see Matt chasing that baby all over the place, just captured by her world. And I've never seen the child smile quite so big before. It is true time and time again... she loves her Uncle Matt. For an hour of outside time, our little niece was the beginning and end of our world. Man, she's fun!

Back to the house we headed, Matt no longer doing the old man shuffle behind the stroller (he has long legs) because it was my turn to steer. And then came the drop off the curb that rattled all the self-expression from that child. (My bad! She doesn't need those 8 teeth, right?)

She wandered about the house, moaning at 9:15, discontent with her world. And that's when Matt, ridding nearly all "baby" items from our apartment declared, "It's time to return it." So with Matt's arms loaded in toys and belongings and diaper bag and me with child (haha... well, two), back to their house we rode. Matt frequently turned around from the passenger seat to check on the child at each sound she made. And then when we got to her house declared, "All right, let's go!" (Again, I love that man!) So we left the child on the sidewalk and took off. ; )

Inevitable Fact

If you wear a white shirt and drink red juice...

you know the rest.

-bummer-

Added Joys

New addition to the first trimester joys?

Projectile Vomiting

Arrived Monday at the workplace near you...

-how embarrassing-

a Daddy.

She had worked so hard for this moment, he explained to us all. Practice after practice. Drill after drill. And now, it all came together. She had beaten her opponent time and time again, up and down the court. Up and down the court. She may have been small, but that little body was mighty in the face of what appeared to be insurmountable odds. He sat in the stands, cheering on his baby. Flashes of first steps, gurgled 'I love you's and running hugs flooded his mind as he saw her accomplish another quarter. Only a few minutes remained. And he stood in amazement as his baby pranced about the fourth grade court. Could a prouder moment exist?

But the opponent grew tired. No little girl was going to make a fool of her, especially not when her team was so far behind. How could such a small girl be so fast? Surely she wasn't made for basketball like her opponent. And there was no way she was going to get by one more time.

Daddy watched as his baby was thrown the ball. Time was running out. She took off sprinting down the court, every ounce of her called out for the basket. She began to break away from her opponent. And that's when it happened...

She tripped. She had been pushed. Down went her body to the harsh floor. And down went her opponent's foot. And at the sound of an ankle-bone cracking she screamed, "DADDY!"

And he was instantly at her side.
His baby.
His baby...


"She didn't yell, 'COACH!' She didn't yell, 'TEAM!" He told us, "One word rose from the crowd, 'DADDY!' And to think that this pathetic, sinner ran so intensely to his baby. This shame of a father that he let be called Daddy..."

Tears streamed down his face,
"How much more does our Father come to us when we call, 'ABBA!'

'DADDY!"



-Just a story that I wanted to share with you all. It reminded me of how overwhelming blessed we are to call Him Daddy. Praise be to God. For He is worthy.-