Tuesday, October 31, 2006

When he found my eyes


It was about 8:30 when housechurch ended. The regular socialization filled the house. Robin, my roomate, ventured off into the kitchen to do the dishes, or "the family chores" as could also be the reference. I was tired from a long weekend of serving at a Crosswalk retreat. My feet hurt, my head was beginning to hurt, and fatigue was beginning to control my ability to keep from complaining. But how could I let Robin do the dishes alone?

Once the last forks and knives were dried and in their place, I gathered my things, bid my fairwells and found myself driving down the brick road toward a new friend's house. It's late, but a promise is a promise, I thought with Jamie's black pocka-dot jacket drapped over my arm. Besides, now that I have this jacket to return, I have to go.

I stood outside of an unkown area of life. How nice it will be to be in this adventure, I thought as my eyes examined Jamie's newly-wed house. With the ring of a doorbell a "puppy" met me at the door. "Come on in," Jamie invited me as she dragged the two foot tall boxer puppy from 'welcoming' me. I exchanged Jamie's forgotten coat for an envelope and a few pleasant words. Soon I found myself back outside ten minutes later.

The drive home was dark, but enjoyable. How strange it is to be between life's stages, I thought. I am too old and 'away' from college, I reflected on my 'off-campus' living status, yet I am still in college. I suddenly felt old again, as has been a typical feeling this Senior year of college.

My fingers fumbled a familiar tool in my pocket. With the press of the nine button a ringing tickled my right eardrum. I hung up and redialed. When the same answer machine picked up again I began to wonder, why isn't Robin answering her phone.

I pulled into the parking lot. No blue Cavalier. I dialed again. This time she answered.
"Hey! Where are you?" Came my concern. You should have been home by now, went my unspoken thoughts.

"I went to go get some deoderant. Where are you?" Came the response.

"In the parking lot. Did you leave the bathroom light on?" My thoughts outpoured as I caught glimpse of our apartment.

"No, didn't you?" Robin questioned.

"No. I always check to see that the lights are off before I go." Erupted my certainty as I rechecked the statement for validity in my mind. Did I leave the bathroom light on this time? Had I made that mistake? When no answer was found I spoke again.

"There are changes of light (I struggled to describe what I saw) coming from the kitchen window. Could the cats have turned the TV on?"
"I wouldn't put it past them. They love that turtle." Came Robin's quicker-than-usual response as she referenced to the stuffed turtle on our TV stand.

I was quiet as my mind pondered the chances of a stranger being found in our household. Could we be getting robbed at this very minute? I wondered. Or could someone have mistakenly entered our apartment? Did the office give out the wrong key? Explanations flooded my mind as I unclicked my seatbelt and gathered my things.

"Did you need me to talk to you as you go in?" The question broke through my thoughts.

"I don't know." Came my puzzled response as I neared the outside apartment door. All the while as I was walking, I became more and more aware of my surroundings, wondering if I would need to know an escape route any time soon.

With one foot pivated toward the escape, I put my key in the kitchen doorhandle. My heart raced and peace began to ease my mind as I felt the familiar resistance of a locked door.
I creaked the door open to reveal votive candles, two white roses and a teddy bear on the counter. I hung up the phone.

Through the kitchen I walked, still bewildered by the awe of the candles. And then suddenly I seemed to have stepped into a dream of candlelight. I hurried to my bedroom to put down my things, looking solely at the floor. I knew he was there, but I didn't want to be carrying things when he found my eyes. I re-entered the room, thrilled that it wasn't a dream. This was real. The warmth of the candlelight streaming from a roomfull of votives, the bouquet of white roses on the coffee table, the Word opened with a white rose in it... I was overwhelmed. But it was an overwhelmingly wonderful feeling.
"Hey." My voice cut the darkness
"Hey there." Matthew's voice resounded through my heart.
And then it flooded out of me as if reality once again consumed my thoughts, "I was out in the parkinglot sitting in my car, you scared me, cause I saw the bathroom light on, and I called Robin, and then the light coming from the kitchen window...
"Man, I tried so hard to be secretive." He explained during my rambling.
I cut off my explanation to hear him.
"I put the cats in the bathroom cause I didn't want them to eat the flowers or catch on fire, and then I couldn't leave them in the dark..." He trailed off explaining himself. "And I couldn't control the light coming from the blinds, but I tried so hard, I parked in the next lot over so you wouldn't recognize my sister's car..."

Silence filled the room again.

"Would you like to dance?" His words asked my heart.
"There's no music cause I didn't think it was cool to break onto your computer and all..." He explained.

"I can't dance." Came my feeble confession.
"It's okay, me neither." He admitted. "But you just hug me and sway a bit." He explained as he guided me to an open spot in front of the coffee table.

After a few moments of hug-swaying, I spoke, "Your heart is racing. What are you up to?"
"Well..." He guided me over to the couch to sit.
"Did you notice the color of the flowers?" He asked when we were sitting.
"They're white."
"Yep... about a month into dating you, you told me never to get you white flowers because they meant engagment and marriage to you." He explained.
"Yeah.. and purity too..." I mumbled recalling the conversation with him.
"Well... and... about a month ago you wrote me a note telling me how you didn't know why I chose to be with you when there are so many other good girls out there. So I wanted to respond to that now."
He took my hand and guided me back over to the 'dance floor' we had just came from.

And then from down on one knee he said, "Monica Elvy, will you marry me?"
"Yes" broke from my lips with no hesitation.
"Really?" Came his surprise.
"Yes." My heart repeated again.

And after a big hug, Matt's excitement pierced through the room, "Good! Now I have to call my parents and call Robin so she can come home from driving around."



So, that's it folks...

Matthew Stauufer and I are engaged.


And I couldn't be more excited.


I can't wait to serve our God with him
... for the rest of our lives.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Last Night


Something fantastic happened last night!

Stay tuned for more...


Thursday, October 19, 2006

Put to Song


There must be more than this
O breath of God come breathe within
There must be more than this
Spirit of God we wait for You

Fill us anew we pray
Fill us anew we pray

Consuming Fire fan into flame a passion for Your name
Spirit of God fall in this place, Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way with us

Come like a rushing wind
Clothe us with power from on high
Now set the captives free
Leave us abandoned to Your praise

Lord let Your glory fall,
Lord let Your glory fall

Consuming Fire fan into flame a passion for Your name
Spirit of God fall in this place, Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way with us

Stir it up in our hearts, Lord, stir it up in our hearts, Lord
Stir it up in our hearts, a passion for Your name



Thank You, Lord, for such a wonderful day put to song.
I can't wait to see what else You will do today.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Would you?


What if you were called to go?
What if you were called to leave behind your comfort?
What if you were called to sell your things?
Or give them away?
What if you were called to be moble?
To leave your security?
To embark on a life-threatening task?
To wage everything you have?
To be forgotten by friends?
To loose closeness with family members?
To miss Christmas and Easter dinners?
To have forgotten Birthdays?
To forgoe convenience?
To embrace distance?
To walk into the unknown?

What if you were called to go?


Would you?

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

In Front of Me


It was picture day today at the daycare. All the kids, overdressed and uncomforatble, lay sprawled out on the gym floor coloring pictures as I entered. "Ms. Monica!!! You're here early!" came my welcome. [Sure can't pass anything by five year olds.] After a few hugs and a few more children were positioned and postured for their parent's kindergarten memorabilia, it was forgotten that I didn't come with the normal morning routine. [I love how inviting kids are. While it may shock them at first to experience change, most gladly embrace it as the "norm".]

As I was leaving the building, the over-head speakers caught my ears. The warm familiar voice filled my mind as Bethany Dillon sang a new chorus,
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me, Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me, I'll choose to sing hallelujah
The lyrics spun through my mind as I traveled toward Wright State.
Whatever's in front of me, Help me to sing hallelujah
I walked into the social work department a little later on this morning. I sat down at a table with my classmate after discovering that Dr. Brun (the Department Chair) was not available until 12:30p. And it is in a conversation with my classmate that I realised that my priorities have shifted, yet again. My views have changed.
Whatever's in front of me, I'll choose to sing hallelujah
The pressing thought of choosing my senior practicum sight came to my mind. Time is coming closer. Still no final decision has been made. But it is in sitting there and speaking with my classmate that I realised I no longer was interested in Child Welfare. That narrows the field for practicum sites. I most definately don't want to practicum with older adults. And... so... um... where else is there? Those are the areas the social work department focuses on. And those are the areas in which I desire not to be.
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me, Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah by definition means "praise ye Jehovah" or "Praise the Lord". While tis may seem like a very easy phraze to understand, the concept is a bit harder to apply. Try telling someone who is abused to praise the Lord. Or one who is lonely, "Praise the Lord." Or one who is depressed, "Praise the Lord." Is it just me or does it seem like these are a bit more difficult situations to praise in? Yet, the lyrics ring fo the truth that no matter where we go or what we do, God is worthy of our praise. How radical of a thought process is it to think of praising God in the midst of starvation, or abuse, or oppression? How radical to think of being grateful for all that God has given you when society cries for your hopelessness? Your helplessness.
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me, I'll choose to sing hallelujah
I am so blessed to be in the midst of decisions. I am so blessed to be where I am. And thank You, God, for guding my thoughts and my heart over and over again back into Your pressence. You are so faithful.
I have some decision to make. Some research to do. Some thoughts.
But it;s funny how no matter how much research I do, no matter how many different environments I find myself in, no matter the choices to be made right here and now, I can't help but feel that it doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter what "field" of Social Work I choose to specialize in, it doesn't matter where I do my practicum... something is coming. Something is coming in my life that will is so of God and so anti-me that no matter where I am, it won't matter. And when that call comes, my "yes" will resound through the streets of this shabby little town of Nowhere and "Radical" won't even begin to describe the leap of faith that will be made. It's not for my name, but for the only name worthy of Life... Jesus Christ.
So for now... it doesn't matter... oh, I will work hard. Yes, I will give my heart in service. No doubt about it.
But something, my dear friends, is surely coming. And I can't wait to be lost in it.
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me, Help me to sing hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me, I'll choose to sing hallelujah

Friday, October 13, 2006

New Sight


Who are you anymore?
It baffles my mind
Words and actions unparallel
You were once
...nolonger
'Life is change'
Uncomfortable to be left in the dust
while still moving forward


Yet hope remains
through soothed stripes
Peace flows
through healed hands
Faith prevails
through radiance


Trust is justified
in the Beauty of You









Tuesday, October 10, 2006

A Today Reading

"In the sight of God man is a sinner when he relies upon himself and what he does, without acknowledging his dependence on God and God's gifts. 'Not to believe, trust, fear Him, not to give Him glory, not to let Him rule and be God' is sin. So sin is at bottom a turning away from God. It is not believing. Sin is not so much a matter of wrong acts (although it is this too) as it is a matter of wrong orientation. With this understanding the medieval distinction between moral and venial sins of course collapsed. Man confesses, 'I am sinner,' rather than, 'I have commited a sin.'

Man's fellowship with God is broken by sin, but God takes the initiative to restore the fellowship. In Christ, God graciously takes upon Himself man's sin, compassionately suffers in man's behalf, lovingly gives of Himself to reconcile man, gratuitously offers pardon and forgiveness. For (Martin) Luther the word 'forgiveness' embraces all of this. It is something positive rather than merely negative. It is God's acceptance of man in spite of his sin, and it is the eterenal life that is such acceptance.

Man, for this part, can receive only what is thus given. He is not worthy of the gift, nor can he make himself worthy of it. He simply takes hold of what is offered, placing his confidence at once in the promise, and the Giver in God's Word and in God Himself, who addresses man in His Word. 'God gives you nothing on account of your worthiness,' Luther wrote. 'Nor does He establish His Word and Sacrament on your worthiness. But out of pure grace He establishes you, unworthy as you are, on His Word and sign.' The Word of God (more specifically, the gospel) is the means by which God comes to man with His offer of forgiveness and life. Because it is a promise, it can eb recieved only in faith-not intellectual assent to doctrine, but personal trust in and commitment to God in Christ-which is itself a gift of God rather than an achievement of man. Faith is the assurance that God loves in His wrath and is gracious in His judgment. To have faith is to have God.

The Christian life, then, is a life of faith, a life lived in and under God. A Christian does 'good works,' not to save himself, but to serve his neighbors in love. 'To serve our neighbor is a service to God,' is Gottesdienst. A Christian does this freely, spontaneously, joyfully-not in order to secure salvation but because he is saved."
- An excerpt from the introduction of Luther: Letters of Spiritual Counsel


***The German word Gottesdienst carries the meaning of "God’s service to us and our service, including Anbetung or worship, to him.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Simply Delight

Sometimes it's nice to stop and delight in the simple.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Fall

Fall is beautiful.
Thank You, Lord, for the blessing.

I Have Never


This morning proved to be another fun hang-out with Ellen (Matt's older sister). We walked to Meijer together, engaging in random conversation. Back on campus we found ourselves munching and talking before Ellen's next class. Conversation flowed and soon another classmate joined into our discussion, sharing her own life experience. And it's strange, but our conversation invited another classmate whom proceeded to criticize my life choices and mock my inexperience. So here I find myself reflecting on this strange encounter and previous strange encounters that I have had with the particular classmate in the past.

It is odd but I have never forced this classmate to accept my views. I have never even asked her to bend her own thoughts to encumpass mine. But since I hold a Christ-centered view of life, I am labeled as "wrong" and "ignorant" in her eyes. I have never challenged, mocked or scorned her lifestyle. But for some reason, she finds the need to continually pick at mine.

I can't explain to her why I think the way I think and why I have certain values because I don't believe she hears my words anymore. I am well aware that my opinion is bias, but I think, nonetheless, that my classmate is so caught up in what she believes she's hearing that she does not actually hear my words. [How often have I done the same? I wonder.]

I say this not to rip up on my classmate and somehow gain some victory from slamming this girl behind her back. No, I say this because it breaks my heart to think that all the while I am trying to convey to this girl that I don't hate her, words (beyond my control) in her own mind are replacing my motions of friendship.

I guess I just need to learn a new way to show this girl that I am not judging her or her lifestyle when she approaches me next.

I just want her to know I care about her... and I am not here to judge.