The Baby

I came in the door tonight, thankful to have made it inside before collapsing from exhaustion. I can't keep doing this. These 5 hour nights are killing me. Everywhere I turned tasks lay at my feet, waiting to be completed. Priorities are priorities... food.

Rice looked easy enough and yet a break from the usual Mac/cheese or (in all honesty) granola bars that I had been making meals lately. "Just trying to get by," I'd tell myself, "If I can only make it through this quarter..." And I will, Lord permitting.

"Where'd you go?" her loud voice filled the room.
"Church."
"Do you go there every day?" came my roommate's disapproval.
"Pretty much." I brushed her comment off, not feeling quite as motivated for the mission field called 'my apartment'.
Seeing that I was working on a project (I was attempting to fix my turtle's light) and I'd assume a bit disappointed that she had not received my usual spunk, she moved on to speak to my other roommates.
I tuned them out, grateful that they were talking to eachother, but fully understanding that my energy failed to permit multi-tasking. I tuned back in, after completing my project just as one roommate yelled above the other, "I'll have to take you out and get you drunk to celebrate your 21st." The comment was met with much cheering. It then occurred to me that the roommate speaking seemed a bit louder than usual. Then the story emerged of her previous activities earlier this evening, thus explaining her "altered" sense of vocal volume and slightly delayed thinking.

Joy, my thoughts arose, what a wonderful end to this "wonderful" day.

Then the conversation of age arose and someone was quick to announce that I was the "baby" of the group and my other roommate was the "oldest". Being as how I have been referred to as a baby for my entire life, my lack of emotion quickly extinguished the teasing. Then the focus shifted to the oldest who was then referred to as "mom". I just stirred my rice and listened to their ranting/raving.

The conversation concluded and everyone parted their ways. The apartment is now quiet. "Mom" has left to spend some time with a friend. My "louder" roommate is in her room, watching television. And my final roommate who was lacking complete coordination and brain-power due to previous decision this evening, well she has gone to study in the library. In all honesty, I am not sure how well that one shall work out.

Needless to say... this baby is going to bed. I shall arise early tomorrow when I am more fully energized to prepare further for this exam. But as for now, this baby is nothing but cranky, and I am well aware that cranky is not very glorifying to the One worthy of all praise.

As for the roommates, I have four words...





Jesus is worth it.

Space and Fluff

Lord, may I do more than just occupy space until Your coming.
Moving with Your aim, not just wasting time on things that don't even matter in the end.
Teach me to prioritize Your time, cause it's not mine.
Teach me to invest in Your things, cause they're not mine.
And maybe even teach my heart to find Peace in brokenness.
I want to do more than just occupy space and fill time until Your return.





And You're coming soon. You said so. So, the time to Live is now. Guide me in obedience to Your schedule, not mine. Your will, not mine. Your cross, Lord, teach me what it means to take it up daily and not just nod my head with the rest of the crowd in agreement to moving while we sit comfortably. No, Lord, teach me to stand up and move because You call me to be more than idol "faith". Jesus, Your cross was because of my lack of good priorities. Your cross was because of my selfish "only what I want to do" schedules. Your cross was because of my commitment to one-inch relationships. Your cross was because of my wasting of time when You clearly said "go". Your cross was because of my fear of this world more than my fear of the God who destroyed many nations for unfaithfulness. Lord, teach me to fear Your wrath and not just accept this monotone, casual Jesus image of the world. No over-analyzed theory, fancy belt buckles, or even creative campus ministry propaganda can hide my lack of devotion to my God. Lord, only Your words ignite my soul to willing service. Only Your name is worthy of praise, not my weak efforts to make a name for myself. Your focus is the heart. So regardless of how I display myself, if my heart is not fully focused on You, Jesus, then I am lying. Remove the obstacles, Lord. Remove all this fluff, Lord, that keeps my focus on my worldly status and not Your Eternity. I was only designed to serve one Master. Lord, make status mean nothing. Conquer this self-pleasing, self-determining, but self-destroying mind of mine. Only One Master, Lord. Clear out the other "masters". Only One Master.





I love You, Jesus. And even when I feel like I'm the only one, You are indeed worth it.





You are well worth it all.

Shadow-play

- just a few pictures i took the other night. -

The Olive Crop Fails

Please come back, Jesus.

Please.

"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord.
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord.

I will be joyful in God!
I will be joyful in God!
I will be joyful in God, my Savior! "
[Habakkuk 3:17-18]

Girly Music

So it has been brought to my attention that I listen to "girly music." (Thanks, Kel. =P)
So in defense of the fact that I listen to a variety of music not just sung by girlies, but by boys too... (clears throat) here's some "girly music" lyrics.

Many have traveled this road before
I see their tracks in the dirt
But maybe I don’t agree
With where they are leading
And who am I? Just a youth.
But why has that become the excuse?
A monotone voice in my head saying

Dreaming all the time
It’s so foolish
Your flood of empty words
Will drown you in ruin
So we listen
Should we listen?

They shake their heads
As they drive away in the bandwagon
Didn’t feel like hitching a ride
Oh, but I’ll be fine
Some nights it’s hard to be alone ,
I want some kind of kinship .
But the Finish Line, It drives me on
When they say...

Dreaming all the time
It’s so foolish
Your flood of empty words
Will drown you in ruin
So we listen.
Should we listen?
Come with me, They’ll call us Revolutionaries
Come with me, They’ll call us Revolutionaries
Revolutionaries
Revolutionaries!

Dreaming all the time, It’s not foolish
Your flood of Life giving words, They will refresh, they will refresh

Dreaming all the time, It’s not foolish
Your flood of Life giving words, They will refresh
Should we listen, Revolutionaries?
~"Revolutionaries" by Bethany Dillon

Updates are Ready

So I have come to learn something very "useful" about my computer. See, I have always been a Windows advocate (down with Mac!), but at the same time, fellow Window-ians? Take a look at the lower right-hand part of your screen. See that little icon? Like seriously... What's up with that?! Every time you turn the computer on, there appears the friendly little icon encouraging your joy with it's announcement; "Updates are ready for your computer. Click here to install these updates." And then it's really funny when you go for a good while without clicking on the icon and you begin to receive messages from your computer on the "importance of frequent updates". But here's the thing... I think they need to replace the word frequent in their little "importance of frequent updates" shpeal. See, "frequent" should be changed to "obsessive". Cause, for those of you who have yet to discover this, as soon as you update (whatever it is that you are updating to this day still cannot be discovered) instantaneously a new update icon pops up. Like what's is up with that? I want to know what little guy out there is messing with me by sending my computer updates in fragmented pieces. "One little fragment of a complete update for you, one little piece for you..." I know some little guy out there is sitting in his basement, eating krispy-cremes, adjusting his glasses and snorting with laughter at the fact that he has mastered an update technique that will increase insane asylum contestants all the while decreasing computer function. (shakes her fist at the computer) So there!


Yeah... (pats herself on the back) You sure told him!

A Hot Kneecap

Alas, I found myself in the midst of a Sociology class, yet again, when my Professor expelled her troubles.

"My knee hurts." Came her strong Norwegian accent. "Yesterday I have a brisk walk and when I teach, my knee, it swell and hurt. I go home and put it up, you know, and it went away after, you know, a little while. But today, it hurt, that why I sit down today." She explained as she addressed the class from her plastic chair. "Any of you have a knee problem before? You know, like your knee hurt many time, you know, a lot. Like a knee trouble often in the year? What do I do?"

A student suggested putting ice on her knee and then elevating it for a while once she got home.

"Ok, ok. See, it hurt and I feel heat come out of it, you know." She explained as she rubbed her kneecap. And then the conclusion burst from her lips, "So if I die tomorrow then you know why."

We all burst out in laughter, professor included.

From Amidst the Crowd

SOC 200 (sigh) is much like any other freshman course in that it inspires basic fundamental thinking of putting aside selfish high school thought and becoming a more responsible citizen. So, being as how I find myself in that class (don't really want to go into why) in order to get my last Gen Ed requirement, I'm trying to make the best of it.

So yesterday to wrap up our lecture, our Prof brought up slides with inspiring statements like, "One person cannot change the world, but they can be a CATALYST of change." Granted this saying is true, but at the same time... come on!!! This is corny! So then the Prof asked, "how could we do things different in order to be a catalyst of change?"
Oh great! I thought. Now we get to have a corny discussion in which someone will raise their hand and say... a girl interrupted my thought as she raised her hand, "we could be kinder to people and give money to the people who need it." Yeah, say that. Point proven.

Then it hit me like a brick truck, these are babies, they have no idea about life. (Like I have room to talk, by the way) But these Freshman are still going through the invincible stage of stepping off curbs in non-pedestrian crossings in order to prove to their friends that they don't fear getting hit by the speeding Semi. They haven't gotten a chance to think for themselves yet, to realize that there is more to your identity than the latest wacko and impure fashion statement and watching crap TV for 9 hours a day. (So I just realized after writing that sentence that there are non-freshman on our campus that still haven't figured it out either.)

My hand shot up.
"Yes? Did you have something to add?"
"We could make a difference by being an example. Like instead of going with the crowd in disrespect, we could dare to be respectful. You know, like going against your initial reaction to situations which makes you want to fit in. (referencing to Galatians 5:19-21)"
"Right, but we can't always go against the initial response."
I nodded my head realizing that sometimes going against our initial response could be not so good and also realizing that this woman and I did not share the same opinion of Truth.
She continued, "Because sometimes you can be too radical. And then people get uncomfortable. You know, like parents who are too religious... turns their children off to their religion. You know, sometimes it causes their kids to be radical in their beliefs as well, but most of the time it just turns their children off. So you want to go ahead and not be too drastic, you know; don't make people uncomfortable."
It was in that moment that I realized I was hearing a lie that had been whispered into society for a long time.

"Are you referring to what you just said as a general statement or in a specific situation?" A male student called out from amidst the crowd.
"Well, generally." Our Prof responded walking toward the voice.
"Ok, then I disagree with you." He boldly stated.
"Ok..." (a moment of awkward silence) "ok, so class," and she continued to conclude the class.

To the student in the crowd, thank you. Sincerely, thank you.

I am blessed that not all people in society are buying into that lie.



There is hope.

Sociological Mindfulness

I'd like to share with you an excerpt from my first paper that I wrote for my Social Life class. In order to better understand this excerpt there's a few things that you need to know.
#1. Yes, I am a nerd because I want to share an excerpt of my paper on my blog. [Proud of it!]
#2. Schwalbe is the author of the book, "The Sociologically Examined Life" that I was instructed to read chapter 1 of and then summarize/ comment on. Where you are jumping into the paper, I am summarizing some of the text and then moving on to comment on one of the author's quotations.
#3. Sociological Mindfulness is defined by the author as, “the practice of tuning-in to how the social world works”.

Ok, I think that's all you need to know. Enjoy! [If it's possible.]

Schwalbe nears the conclusion of the chapter with commentary on the rarity of the use of sociological mindfulness. He ventures forth various reasons for this rarity; “that sociological mindfulness doesn’t seem like much fun”, there “might be a belief that it [sociological mindfulness] won’t matter”, and “American individualism” is an inhibitor of sociological mindfulness, just to list a few. Schwalbe then concludes, “people resist being sociologically mindful for many reasons, but not because they are naturally selfish, competitive, or cowardly. If such feelings arise and inhibit sociological mindfulness, it is because of how people have grown up” (Schwalbe, 7). This conclusion is far from beneficial. How are we as individuals to ever grow into mature, responsible citizens if we are continually diverting blame for our mistakes onto our pasts? What benefit does this conclusion have? Are we honestly to believe that we are not responsible for our own actions because our past has such control over us that we are incapable of making positive and productive conclusions in this present time? We must find it within ourselves to maturely conclude that everyone in this world has influencing pasts and, therefore, we must decide to no longer use that fact as an excuse for unsound behavior in our present. Once we are able to maturely accept these facts, then we can move beyond our pasts and become the responsible citizens that we desire to have in this world.

Closed Doors

So my roommates are quiet. This is a good quality to have in opposition to being loud partiers, but this also poses challenges. See, when I get home to the apartment, I am never completely sure if I am alone or not. Doors are shut, but it does not mean that roommates are not home.

"Doesn't that drive you crazy?" Kelly questions.

Not yet, at least. Their doors are shut to communication as well. The American mentality of "make it on your own" has plagued this place. But I honestly believe that no human is independent. We may fight for independence, but in all reality, we want someone to be fighting with us. We seek companionship in those that we choose. Companionship is something our hearts call out for. We may be stranded all alone with no companion anywhere, but deep within us is the need to make a Wilson ("Cast Away" reference). So, it's not that my roommates are not finding sources of companionship, it's just that I am not that source right now. In no way does this mean that I do not wish to befriend my roommates. It just means that until their doors are open, I need to be the one knocking. I am learning more and more that it is in action that Christ is seen in a lost world.


Lord, grant me the strength to knock when I grow most weary of trying. Please be seen in my life. Please, Lord. More of You.

Cooking Spray, Soap, and a Telephone

Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.
Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.
Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.

When I go shopping, I am really bad at remembering what exactly I was shopping for.
So instead of wasting paper with a small list, I repeat the items that I would like to get over and over in my head until I won't forget. Thus was the case with today.

Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.
Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.
Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.

I walked into Meijer, hoping that this time I wouldn't get distracted and forget something.
Figuring that I would forget the end of the telephone first because it wasn't in the grocery section, I headed straight to electronics.

Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.
Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.
Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.

Now, I hadn't planned on purchasing a telephone this year, but since my telephone appears to have raptured over the summer (and I've looked EVERYWHERE for this thing), I found myself desiring a contact to the outside world during cellular peak hours. I happily discovered a cordless phone for only $12. What a thrill since I was viewing the prices of the supper-hyped-up robots that they have out now in replace of phones. Who in their right mind would pay nearly $200 for a cordless phone? I made myself a deal, if a cordless wasn't under $15, then I would have to ditch the convenience and attach myself back onto a corded horror. (Can you tell that I'm not too big of a fan of a corded phone?) See, corded phones are really annoying for those who find the need to pace while communicating via a telephone. I really don't know what it is, but as soon as that phone goes to my ear, my feet start moving. It's like a little kid after a banana split, I just can't sit still.

Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.
Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.
Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.

So, after rejoicing in my telephone success, I headed for the grocery side of Meijer. And that's when it happened. Bam! I was broadsided with reality. This evening at our Crosswalk prayer meeting, I was one of the two out of seven girls who would be considered "a leader". Now don't get me wrong, in know way am I claiming that any of the ladies there this evening are not growing and maturing in their faith. But it became strangely evident to me that just as I followed the lead of the "older and wiser" women in Crosswalk, I am now going to be looked to in such a way. I am not trying to put myself upon a pedestal and acclaim to have a model lifestyle or faith. Absolutely not. Christ is the only thing to boast of and the only Perfection to strive to copy. But just as a small child follows an older siblings lead, I feel my role of "small child" has changed. But the revelation did not conclude there. Suddenly I realized that I am now in line for an "older" position and yet there is one thing missing; my own "older and wiser" women. I mean, this past summer I came to the realization that I would now be expected to advance into this category and I came to peace with this, but I didn't realize that I would be one of the few who are left to uphold this category. Like, where's my Andi Hill and my Miranda Snider? Where's my Tamara Steck and my other sisters who are rock solid in their faith? I have Kelly. She is rock solid in her faith, but like tonight, she can't always be there. See, even when someone couldn't make it in the past to a meeting or an event, there was bound to be at least a few rock solid ladies there. There was bound to be at least two faithful servers, encouragers of depth, growth, and vulnerability in Christ. Tonight? There was one. And I didn't even get to talk to her. In fact, I wonder if she often feels similarly when she reflects on her experiences in Crosswalk?

As odd as it was to think about the empty encouragement that the year could very well provide. Even though I wondered what it's going to be like to try to adjust to this new position, there was this strange peace inside. Yes, this year is going to be rough at times, I don't doubt. There will most definitely be trials and times when I just want to go back to being a crazy kid who speaks freely, but irresponsibly, and lives in the today and "right now" of life assuming that discipline and experience is code word for "dead". But there will also be times, and there already has been, in which the routine and the discipline of serving responsibly in word, thought, and action is rewarded by the Lord and the Lord alone. There will be times when I will find complete and utter joy in discipline when no one is watching.

A smile came to my face.

Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.
Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.
Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.

And then I ran into Amanda Skarzynsky. Despite how hard it is to say her last name, she is quite a sweet, easy going spirit in the Lord. And even though she is a baby in Christ (meaning, inevitably, that I may be considered as "older" in her eyes), the familiarity of her face and her smile brought a joyful warmth to my heart. We had a conversation about our summers and the years hoped plans, but the entire time the Lord kept repeating in my head, "it's going to be okay, it's going to be okay." I couldn't help but smile. See, I have always known in my head that the Lord will never put me into a situation that I cannot handle, but it wasn't until that moment that I really felt confidence in this year's upcoming journey.

Needless to say, I remembered everything that I went to Meijer for and managed to leave the store with only the items that were on my list (which is a first). And as I drove the short trip home I thought, "I am never going to be prepared for this, but I'm just going to leap and I know my Lord will carry me."



- thank You Lord. To You be the glory.