saying goodbye.

just the words in the title brought a stream of tears. it's hard to say goodbye to a purr, a meow and a constant game of follow-the-leader. it's hard to hold his body in your hands and know that you can't do anything more for him. it's hard to think of not coming home to the jingle of his bell down the hallway as he runs meowing to greet you. dear friends, this is really hard for me. this is really hard.

matt and i made a very tear-jerking decision today to let go of my cheddar. we can't do anything more to help him. we can't do anything more to heal his worn out body. and no more improvements are being made in his health. so with runny nose and tears streaming i will be picking up my kitty, my furry from the vet. i couldn't possibly live with myself if i had left him there to die in pain when we brought him in for his last diagnosis and examination. so all afternoon the medical staff has been pumping the urine from my kitty for the last time. and they will send home some pain medications which i will administer tomorrow every four to six hours to keep him comfortable as i say goodbye. i really can't bear to think of not hearing his purr anymore or feeling his sweet little head-butting, begging for a good petting.

and i will be honest, dear friends, this sweet little kitty is going to be very hard for me to let go of. yes, he's just a pet but that fact doesn't make this any easier.

matt left for the Michigan funeral today at 3 something. i wanted to go, but i was needed here.

[break for the evening]

the evening went fairly well despite the circumstances. Robin came over for a few hours witnessing Cheddar's last peak and most movement. we just sat on the couch talking about life. toward the end of her stay Cheddar started to get worse, me realising that he wasn't blinking. Jenney came over a half hour after Robin. Jenney did well with Cheddar in light of his failing health. we just talked and monitored. and gave pain pills. and talked. and then the vomiting began again. and i knew it was going to be a long night. i prayed that God would just take him then.

at 1am my alarm went off and i gave him another dose of pain meds. his breathing now hard to decipher, his breaths so shallow. but sporadic movement of his head when i sat down with him. i coaxed the med down. i just don't want him to be in pain in his last few breaths. 5:30am came evidence of more vomiting, attempts to clean him up a bit, more meds, and even shallower breathing. i couldn't feel his breathing to the touch and yet a surveillance of his body and some movement revealed that he was still a shell of the cat i knew. i counted out the pills and i have enough to get him through tonight after matt comes home around 10-11pm. so he'll be able to be medicated until thursday morning when we are able to go put him down. i just can't muster up the strength yet to drive myself there to drop him off without matt. i know i wouldn't be able to drive home. but the thought has crossed my mind to have a friend drive me.

but really i have hit a point of peace about Cheddar going. each time that i hold his frail body i just pray that he will give up. i want him to be painless. but a fighter he persists. and i'll keep the 4-5 hour medicine doses until he either gives up or we can get him in to put him to sleep.

today's going to be a long day. and i really wish matt were here to walk me through it, but i wish him to be at the funeral more. i wish him to be walking his dad through saying goodbye to his dad's brother more. and i am blessed that despite being apart from him, God is giving me such a peace and a strength during these hard last few hours and this upcoming day. i love how God delivers when we haven't even asked. and i trust his perfect timing with Cheddar's departure.

i'm going to go take another nap and again pray that my sweet kitty, my little furry is able to close his eyes without my prompting and go to sleep without intention of waking. i love him so dearly and i just want him to be at rest. that's best for him right now. and even though i would love for "best" to be defined as a healthy cat, i am not to definer. i am just trying to provide as much comfort as i possibly can.

love you, Cheddar. i have already missed you and i'm sure that's not going to go away for a while. but i just want you not to have to fight anymore. i did what i thought was best. and what i thought was most humane with what we could do. love you. goodbye.