Plead Insanity

This morning I woke up and felt this strange normalcy in my morning routine. It was odd because the routine done this morning was atypical and yet something felt complete in it. It was the first time in a while that I have woken up with a clear mind. I felt well-rested. I felt like my mind and body matched up as I walked down the hallway to the tune of a starving meower. It felt completely normal to eat my yogurt at the table, thinking about what shoes I would wear and enjoying the silence. I felt this air of confidence that I could wear these black shoes with these white socks and these brown pants because I thought the shoes and pants were comfortable and white socks were available. No fashion would ever change the amount of love I would give or receive. My morning reminded me of Jr. High school mornings; arising before the sun to a quiet house, waking before my alarm clock and feeling prepared for the alarm. It's funny to try to describe it to the "never been pregnant world" but when you're pregnant and have all these extra hormones, you often have this constant state of imbalance. It's like your mind doesn't connect to your body. And some times you wonder if your mind fell out and your body's just operating on previously remembered responses. You just feel off balance and "not all there." And that's a strange state to live in and attempt to function within. Therefore, this morning was so foreign... and yet so familiar. It was like this hope that just maybe I won't be crazy... for the rest of my life. =)

A Whole View

I think it’s funny that we can be so rich and yet feel so poor. I can look at the holes in my shoes, the foam padding falling out and think, “Man, these thrift-store shoes aren’t staying together.” I can look at my car, hood and trunk popped for the umpteenth time in the parking lot and feel ashamed that I have to apply steering leaking fluid to a “new” car in a lot where people stare as they get out of their SUVs and nice sedans. I can look at a job and feel oppressed by endless, tedious and early hours when others are staying at home to raise their families or still sleeping in their beds.

But that’s not the whole picture. The puzzle may have holes, but the edge-pieces are all in place.
When did it become so easy to only look at the lacking? Was it when the lacking was seen that the satisfied silently slipped away?

Let the blessing of shoes, a running car and a well-paying job overcome the lacking again. For truly, anything could be put in the place of the shoes, the car and the job… what are your substitutions? Finances? A status in life? A home?

And as I am challenged to once again admit that holed shoes are the best fit for these feet, I would encourage you to value the holes in your shoes. I would encourage you to rejoice in the leaking fluids and boring work hours with a new view. A whole view.

Cuisine

Breakfast for today? A few grapes, pickles and lime yogurt.

Lunch? Salad with Ranch and pickles.

I don't know what this pickle kick is... but they are so good friends!
And I mean sooooooo good.

Especially for one who doesn't like pickles. (wink)

Drum Roll Please

I'd like to announce for the entire world that our baby is a....

We watched the baby squirming; me atop of the table, Matt seated initially and then brought to his feet as the pictures became clearer. The tiny hands, the heart beating. "You have an active one," the ultrasound tech stated as she fished for less blurry still-frames of our acrobat. And as I watched the child swim about it hit me for the first time... I'm not feeling movement. Therefore, the baby's not as old as the predictions. "Well, hunny, I can tell you right now that you're not about to be 20 weeks," came the abrupt expression of my thoughts. "Do you want to know what it is?" she asked as she scaled the torso. With unanimous response we first saw that sweet little one's little legs and feet... all curled up, covering it's tell-all. "Well..." the woman chuckled initially, "Let's try it back after the measurements.

Measurements proved my suspicions... I am 16 weeks along. AKA: New due date = January 11, 2009. YAY!!!! No Christmas baby!!!!! But yes, sadly folks there is the risk of baby being born on my birthday. Oh well. C'est la vie!

Then back to the tell-alls we went, with anticipation and joy. And after 10 minutes of belly shaking, turning sideways, and assaulting that poor baby, baby's cramped up frog legs, then the crossed extended legs, then the hand covering it's tell-all, the conclusion was...

From Me: laughing
From Matt: "I guess modesty is genetic."
From the ultrasound lady: "You've got a little stinker. [She really was agitated at this point.] But my guess is it may be a girl cause I can't see anything [Not exactly how an ultrasound is supposed to be read by the way.. it's supposed to be dependent on # of folds of skin, not external hanging genitalia or lack thereof - since often that is the harder of the 2 to see]."

And for those of you who don't know... we all start out as girls externally, so this guesstimating while slightly more affirmative than no picture, is not set in stone.

So is it pink? Is it blue?

Good question.

A Taste of Freedom

It's a Friday and everyone knowns that on Fridays something happens. In offices around the country and cubes to the ends of the earth, joyous bursts of "It's a Friday" erupt on faces. Bounces return to once-dragging steps. And "good-mornings" feel a little less like a mockery. It's the light in a co-worker's eyes as the clock nears 4 or 5pm and the excuses of "anything to get me out of here" begin formulating in heads. It's the breaking of silence, the stretching of arms and legs from beneath flimsy "steel" desks and ice-age computers. It's the first step toward the door, quickly followed by the second and third as if forty-hours of sole-sucking wasn't enough for one week and we feel bad for leaving before the forty-plus mark is hit. It's the blissful cries of hearts as the sun hits our faces and the parking lot draws near. The sound of the trees rusting in the wind, foreignly loud to once-deaf ears. The thoughts of "two whole days!" overwhelming hot-dog roasting car interiors. And that first engine turning... and the sound of the windows gliding down... and the feeling of the breeze on your face as the jail cell is left in the rear-view mirror...

Ahhhhhh yes!!!! The weekend is so near I can taste it!!!

19 weeks.

Now doesn't that look comfortable?
No wonder baby's a bit more active than last week.

Oh, and Matt comes home today... YAY!!!

Men or Mice?

What is the value of human life?

"I would rather one random man die than a poor little mouse." My co-worker explained her flowing tears and frantic running about the room after finding a "baby" mouse with broken leg struggling on a glue trap in the group room.

Just days before she had cursed the mouse who left it's droppings and ate group snacks.

This same mouse that could drive an otherwise opinionatedly strong woman to stand on a chair screaming and flailing her arms as the preschoolers looked on calmly.

Two of us stood there watching - me with bare toes a few feet from the whiskered one.
And three screamed, climbed on furniture, and otherwise convinced the six children that the world was ending.

- I just found the whole situation odd. That's all.
Overwhelmingly odd. -

It's a Boy!

Ellen had her ultrasound this morning and it's a boy! I'm so excited for her. She called me all bubbly and obviously smiling as she shared the "healthy boy" news. And it was cool to hear her joy as she shared that Ron and she had a conversation in which they both marveled at having "children" not just child. The concept really made me smile and has brightened my day completely. I'm so happy for them.

Saturday I drove to Guitar Center to pick up some strings. And as I looked in the rear-view mirror the thought hit my mind in a more solid form than before, "I'm going to be running errands with a little person in the backseat soon." I couldn't wipe the smile from my face. I can't tell you how wonderful of a thought it was to think of a little sleeping one in the backseat as being "my baby" and not just a niece or friend's kiddo. Oh they're just as cute sleeping in the backseat, but "my baby" thoughts fluttered in my mind.

Well, friends, the nursery is done. Robin and I started and finished it last night. That's right, it's simple and totally us (that is Matt and I, not Robin and I us). Touches of blue (cause I love the color and so does Matt) and beautiful little painted on butterflies, bees and flowers. With a touch of ivy leaves and classic Winnie the Pooh wallpaper pieces, it's a warm little room of simplistic welcoming. And the bassinet/cradle Mom gave us adds this wonderful feel of new and comfort to the room. I absolutely love it. I absolutely love it. And I spent a little while last night just rocking away in the rocking chair Jes and I had the privilege of teething on and sleeping in. I gazed at the newly stamped walls and the sparkles of the blue glittered lava lamp on the wall... it was better than I had imagined. Simply wonderful.

Can't wait for Matt to get home and see it. I hope he's as pleasantly surprised as I was... and still am.

July 28th's our ultrasound. And I'm looking forward to "seeing" our little one for the first time.
The little fingers... the little toes... that's just going to be fun!

- take care, all. back to the grind here at work. -

Made-Up Parenting

A pregnancy tracker through emails. What a novel concept. And more than one place has learned their run of prenatal baby facts to bombard an expectee's account with useless rantings and spam. So of course I had to sign up!

Today's 18 week update (sent 2 days late) showed picture of little "alien baby" (Matt's words) with much detail of development. And then came the "have to" s and "gotta have"s that every pregnant woman apparently is completely insufficient in raising a prenatal baby without. "Just what in the world did we ever do before it all," Matt commonly comments in overwhelmed sarcasm. =)

Babysit for a day. Came the suggestion for those freaking out about childcare. Ask you best friend to babysit their child for a day and make it up as you go along was the meat and potatoes of the text. The title should have been "mess you friend's kid up for a day." But I did find it interesting of a concept. You know, a little experimentation upon close relationships... such a great idea. Hehe. Burn those that love you the most. j/k

But then I thought.. see the funny different in raising a child and raising someone else's child is you call the shots. You are the authority. It's not asking friend what their rules are and the baby's eating times are and nap times, etc. It's shoot from the hip, make it up and figure it out. Being one who has babysat MANY a time, this new concept of parenting sounds like fun. And I am fully confident that we're gonna mess this kid up good! Yeah buddy!!!! =)

I tease. But I was thinking after reading the article that this parenting thing is going to be quite funny. See, initially Ellen spoke about feeling so in shock that the baby crying down the hallway was hers. And that realization that the fussy and poopy one was being handed back to her to change, not anyone else. She was the default. But then life became so normal as the default that she had a hard time imagining life without the baby's toothless gurgling.

A soon-to-be second mom speaks with confidence in raising two children. But the fact is... she'll be making it up as well as Matt and I will be. Yes, she has more experience in raising one child, but she has no experience in raising two.

I guess it just makes me feel a lot better to see each parent with one child on the same playing field... shooting from the hip and trying not to break their kid too much. And while another friend's report of 3rd and 4th children just falling into the mix of regular life with ease makes sense, it's nice to know that when it is all boiled down... we parents are just making parenting up; one rule at a time.

Living Water

- docked for a reason -

The Outside

For those of you who don't know...

I have had this desire for almost 5 years. I want to see God at work outside of the US.

I want to see God's worldview, life outside of fashion, make-up, hair products, riches, and liberalism. I want to see a world outside of "elevated living" in which time seems to "stand still" and days are built around cooking, cleaning, and truly living. I really want a more realistic worldview. A Biblical worldview.

Am I selfish? Probably. Is the point of my wanting that I can bring home a nice ethnically diverse picture for a church slide show? No.

I just believe that there is so much more out there that we American Christians have fooled ourselves and convinced ourselves that doesn't exist. I believe that non-Americans have great value and are quite possibly are even living their faiths more Biblically than us. I believe that a poor person is not to be labeled in pitied help, but has so much more to teach about trusting God than many middle-class and still rich "go to churchers."

Do I think missions are an out-of-country experience? No. But I do think that experience teaches far more than an imagined alternate reality. And I really want to be rocked out of this world in my sometimes God in a box thinking. I just feel like I've bought too much into the American church some days that "it's okay" to skip devotions and "it's okay" to forget to pray as if devotions and prayer have no affect.... no meaning. And sometimes I get so lost in American thinking that things should be handed to me and maybe the best way to serve God is to tolerate other's beliefs that I feel I've betrayed the real, live God of the Word. The God of this world, not the Western God of the Americas.

Do I need to leave the country to learn about the Real Jehovah, Maker of All and Sustainer of Life? No. I just would really like to some day. I just would really like to serve and even just witness another's faith in Jesus Christ that has not been dulled by ego-centrism. No, I don't have to leave the country to witness very strong examples for Jesus. I just really would like the opportunity to do so some day.

And it's a day like today in which my heart longs for that day

... if it should come.

Piece by Piece

Well dear ones, I'm now in month five of pregnancy. I just poked into the month today. It's kind of crazy to think about it. Ever since my friend, Lorraine, left my workplace I've had a lot of free time during lunch. Being one who likes to keep busy so the day moves quickly, I have found myself reading, checking email, sometimes napping (don't worry, my boss is cool with this) and checking old friend's blogs during my lunch break. And as I've read through a few friend's recent life joys and gocked at these "little babies" which are now little girls and boys that I had in the nursery at Apex, I am dropped into a second reality. Man how time flies!

I feel like it was just yesterday when it was a sleepless 4am of "I can't believe it" thoughts with a positive test. Walking in Meijer, for I don't even remember what now, and passing baby clothes was a totally new world of thought. That new tumbling of shock, unknown, and inconfidence occasionally still grasps my hand as this little bump becomes more apparent.

I look at my niece. I remember holding her when she weighed just under 10 lbs at birth. Now that one and a half year old toddler that runs around talking and pointing at me when asked, "Where's Aunt Monica," floors me. Where'd the baby go? And yet all the while... she's still such a baby.

I wonder if this is what my mom thinks when she looks at me.

I'll technically be 1/2 way through this pregnancy in 2 weeks. Oh my goodness!

And while baby is only about palm size right now... that's my baby! Palm size! Dude how it's grown!

And soon we may have the opportunity to learn (come July 28th) if we're having a boy or a girl. Man, that floors my mind. Suddenly baby will move from "the baby" to she or he. And then will have a name. And sometime soon, for the first time, I may get the chance to feel he or she move within me. How exciting.

Yet my excitement is mixed in satisfaction with where Matt and I are at right now. "Are you excited?" I'm often asked. "Can you wait?" Yes and yes. I am excited for how God is growing our little one. Day by day. Minute by minute the little one develops in ways that I can't even understand. But I can wait. I can wait to find out baby's gender. I can wait to become the Stauffer's three. I can wait. Because I don't want to get so caught up in 'I can't wait's that I miss the now. I want to enjoy the sleep I am still able to get. I want to enjoy the date nights. The me and Matt moments of "let's go for a walk" or "ice cream run." I want to enjoy just sitting in a quiet house holding my cat against his will, or just petting him beside me and listening to the washer spin or the AC vents after a long day's work. I don't want to get so caught up in baby shopping (even mentally) that I lose what's been given me today.

I know baby is going to be amazing. And with baby will come a whole new level of Matt and I. A whole new level of family. And baby will bring such joy and such unity and all these wonderful thrills.

But today I want to wait. I just want today. I want to enjoy doing a puzzle with a socially rejected child - piece by piece, supporting my husband when the youth aren't listening- shushing by shushing, and even just eating this broccoli cheddar soup- spoonful by spoonful with my shoes off in my office. It's like my wedding day... I don't want to be so caught up in the execution of planning that I miss the memories.

I guess all these words are just to say... I am enjoying where God has me right now and I can wait for His timing.

I can happily wait.

To Walgreens, with satan

Last night on the way home from work I called Ellen, my sister in law, and found out that she was headed to Boonshoft (a local children's museum) for their free Tuesday night fun. After fairly short debate, I was headed in her direction. Boonshoft was fun. And believe it or not, Ellen and I actually found a "quiet" place in the museum to rock in the pioneer rockers and talk. It was really nice. And my niece (1.5 yrs) and brother in law (9 yrs) appeared to have an equally good time, let alone my brother in law (mid-twenties) who chased the two of them down all evening.

Then we headed back to Ellen's for dinner (she's so hospitable) and Matt met up with us. And that's when the acid reflux began [see: pregnancy].

After a longer drive home and enjoyed "quiet" and release of the day, I was determined to find some way to cope with the reflux that was only then intensifying. So I read a part of the Expecting book Renee gave me (thanks again) to make sure I wasn't going to hurt the baby and grab a little advice on controlling reflux. When the words "Tums" and "safe" hit my eyes the heavens opened and the angels rejoiced.

To Walgreen's I went. (Yay 24 hr stores that are close!) Now, I'll take just one second to deviate from the regular story line to give you one piece of needed information. After about 9:30 or 10pm my brain is no longer much good. The lights are on, but the house is empty. And so I usually go to bed somewhere between 9:30 and 10:30p (yes, I'm a granny) depending on the exhaustion levels.

Back to the story...

It was a quarter til 11p when I got to Walgreen's. Once in the store I must have passed the Tums 10 times before realising it (satan was near, I could feel it). Then reading all the different kinds of Tums (shoot me now). And by then the acid was really something! So I snatched one off the shelf, checked out and headed back to the car. Man this trip was getting ridiculous!

"Good, I have juice in the car, I can just take it in the car!" I thought til I sat down next to an empty seat with no juice. "Ok.... here's the water that's been sitting in my car for a few days..." and I proceeded to drink some warm to borderline hot water. And that's when I met satan again, I choked... that's right friends... this wanna be reflux-free, exhausted prego choked right then and there in the Walgreen's parking lot. No, it wasn't himelick choking... it was conscious-still-with-oxygen-getting-through-Tums-stuck-behind-your-uvula choking. And I choked until right there in the parking lot I threw up that Tums.

And died laughing! Could this trip have gotten any more complicated?!

After stabilizing myself, I took two more Tums, drove home, told Matt the story (still laughing a psychotic overly-tired and out of control laughter), and fell into bed.

So, yes friends.... I met satan (you know I tease) at Walgreen's.

Words to the Silence

You know, sometimes I just find myself thinking about you and how blessed I am to have you in my life. And it's funny to think that neither of us were looking to befriend the other. We were just coasting fine. Consuming time.
It's funny how the years pass and no one can walk into my life and take your place. It's no wonder the saying goes that good friends are hard to find and even harder to replace.
And to think of how much you put up with my whining... and my rambling... and my grumpiness... and...
It just baffles my mind sometimes to think of how you stuck close to me and spurred me on.

Just wanted to share these thoughts as I sit here in this life-less office where the only sounds are the low hum of the AC and keyboard keys. As I wait here for more work to come and fill these last 3 or so hours, I was just thinking of how far God has grown you...

and how blessed I've been to be a part of some of it.

- love you, Robin. -

Tatoos and Hellos

Last night I dreamed that I got a tatoo. Not just any tatoo, but the BMX-biker type full upper body from neck to wrists to naval tatoos. Can you even imagine?! I was completely tatooed from neck to naval. And the funny thing was that I did it because in my dream Matt thought it was cool and I wanted to do it for him. Only I was completely trying to cover it up so no one would notice and be comfortable with it. (Totally my non-flashy character.) I told Matt about my dream before taking off for work. And I explained to him that in my dream I tatooed myself because he thought they were cool. "Not that cool!" he commented as he rolled over with a smile.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Four month prenatal visit went well. I've gained no weight in the past month (which doesn't bother or concern any parties involved in the doctoring process). So I guess what I experienced over the last month was a great migration/weight shifting. Being one who's not conscious about her weight, but just aware of healthy weight verses non-healthy weight, this concept makes me laugh. So that little one who seems to need a constant feeding of starch or carbohydrate product has found their source... sucking from various parts of me. Hehehe. Good for them. Take as much as you need baby... I'm fine with being left with what I started with. (I'm really not naive enough to think that this pregnancy won't be the biggest weight gain that I've had since my own prenatal moments.) But I do think the human body and, in particular, this human body is hillarious in it's adjustments to pregnancy. I'm all out of wack! Hehehe.

So with a little baby bump, I find myself quite satisfied in the current conditions:
puking once per week (or twice if it's a "bonus" week)
eating "fairly" normally (or at least more closely to a normal eating pattern - 3 "meals")
and sleeping ALL THE TIME!

And while depending on the shirt and pants selection it may be questionable if I'm not just gaining weight or actually pregnant (though Matt said if anyone ever thought I was just getting fat he'd "handle it" - hehe), when the PJs come on, the baby bump appears. "Hello in there," Matt reaffirms the growing bump. =)

Milestones

Today marks our 4 month check-up with the baby doctor. We get to go at 4:45p today.
"What'll they do?" I was asked by a co-worker.
"I have no idea." I answered, "But it may be like the last one... a 5 minute recall of any odd symptoms, poking of the abdomen, and heartbeat listening. Then we're out the door."


"Have you had the sonogram yet?" one gentleman from church asked me. It took a minute to have any idea what he was talking about. "Oh, no, we haven't scheduled it yet. But we should get to schedule to see our baby during the next appointment."

-Sonogram~ I'm hoping he was referencing to fetal growth pictures and not pictures of my inner organs. =)


I'm also excited because as of today I can call my friend because her phone minutes have begun for this month. YAY! I've missed her since she's moved to Iowa and it's nice to know the extended game of phone tag last played can potentially be avoided now.


I also got approved for vacation on August 25th. WOOT! Niagara Falls, here we come baby!!!!!


Also, a surprise of mine is coming together quite nicely - thanks to some willing help.


Yep, friends, today is a good day filled with many small, yet big in my life, milestones.

Today's Feelings

• irresponsibility trapped in responsibility
• antsy
• a sane one in a white-walled lock-down
• improductivity regarding things that really matter
• a stay-at-home mom heart stuck in a 40 hr work week
• like a Monday in a never-ending work week
• a fish in a fishbowl on the ocean shoreline
• minutes taking hours
• ADHD holding a librarian's hand

that's the picture of today.

Middle-Eastern Matt

The other night I had a dream that Matt and I had a middle-eastern baby. Yep, that's right! Scared of the sun white skin (Matt) and occasionally sun-kissed skin (me) equals olive skin now. And the funny thing? It really didn't phase me at all in my dream. In fact it made perfect sense to me that the baby's slight tinge of red in their brown hair was "from me". And the olive skin from Matt.

HAHA!

These dreams are hilarious sometimes!

Hiddenly Obvious Reminders

I heard on the radio this morning that Iran is working on and potentially even completed missiles that will reach Israel.

We got a phone call last night at 9:30 which was noticed and returned near 11pm. Matt's Uncle was diagnosed with cancer and it has spread from his pancreas. He's not doing so well. Matt's Uncle, someone who's never believed in prayer, called his brother and asked for Rodger and his church to pray for him. It was also asked that Matt and his church would pray for him.

Matt's grandfather is going in for surgery on Monday to release the water from his brain. After Matt's grandmother passed several months ago and his failing health, Matt's Grandpa doesn't have much to live for anymore. And he's stated that before.

The only thing keeping Matt in the state on Monday is a 4:45pm pre-natal appointment. (Thinking rescheduling's a good idea.)

I read today about Moses' glowing face when talking to God and God's promises to His people. And it stirred me to sing this morning. It's been a long time. But those old strings felt right in my hands. And in the midst of everything we have learned and witnessed and seen, powerful words left my lips.

Our God Reigns
Our God Reigns
Forever His Kingdom Reigns

Do you realize the power of that truth?

It brought an opening and comfort to my life through the simple chorus. Seven words... acknowledging All Authority and Control.

You know, a lot of times I get lost looking at the "what ifs" and the "glass half emptys." (Wink for Renee.) There's a lot here on this earth to worry about. And yet God has brought it to my attention over the past few days how many trivial things people worry about: staffing for a group, snacks being provided, paperwork time frames, audit reviews, gaining weight, offending others, lacking purpose, health concerns, finances, being good parents, remembering, providing... the list can go on and feel free to add yours. And, I mean, people can even worry about worrying. Oh and we can come up with fun fleeting sayings and happy emailed and animated pictures, but at the end of the day we are left to battle out the sickening feeling in our stomachs.

Yet the message we have needed to hear has always existed. And it always will. In this world where we cannot control so much, God reigns. Not Allah, not Buddha (who never claimed to be a god), not the general feel-good God that is often referred to in North America.... but GOD reigns. FOREVER!

And for those who are not enemies of this all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving, all-forgiving God, this is really good news. Really good news.

It means that I don't have to worry. It's all according to His plan. The health of the baby inside of me? I trust it will glorify God. I'll just keep serving Him with myself in taking care of what He has given me. But who am I to dictate what is or is not best for me? I don't even know all of me. There are still things that come out of my mind and my mouth that surprise me. And I can't even reign in my own life. But I know a truth that is so freeing that I can smile in the light of destruction.

Our God Reigns.

Our God Reigns!

Forever His Kingdom Reigns!!!

Even when I struggle to see it. That truth remains. And HAS stood the test of time.

So my occasional struggling with worrying states more about my memory problem than God's power. For the truth is not changed by my view. The truth remains. Untouchably True. Unchanging.

Abnormal Us

Parts of a conversation have been running through my mind for days now. Isn't it odd how the brain can process things sometimes? I'm not going to directly spell out the conversation topic in efforts to avoid any search engine wanderers. But nonetheless, a part of me just can't seem to let this one go. Something is incomplete and it's been bothering my brain.

I'm one of those people that wishes they had the right thing to say in "pop fly" conversations. I'm one that wishes they could conjure the right response, or at least the response that they truly feel and think. But it always seems to take me a bit longer than expected to conjure that depth.

A conversation ensued regarding intimacy between married couples. Through this conversation it was established early on from two viewpoints that intimacy is no longer shared between married couples but is more than permissible to be shared with many differing individuals. This concept progressed to the conclusion that it is better to have found your husband after being "experienced" and intimacy was reduced to a lustful act or behavior.

And I was offended and broken for these conclusions. See, when marriage is reduced to a mere by-product of a lust-filled life, it becomes meaningless. What is the point of marriage if uniting with others is a practice of normalcy, regardless of if it's in the past or present? Why not just co-habit?

And when marriage is reduced to an option and intimacy is reduced to a mere normalcy with or without commitment attached, then what really is the point of "I do"?

I wish I could convey the sanctity of marriage that so many fail to witness. I wish I could convey the sanctity in intimacy, pure intimacy. I wish I could convey the reassurance that no one in this world has or will ever know me as deeply as my husband. And because he waited for 21 years, I am ever-so reassured that he has and will rely on God's strength to keep him pure in our marriage. But there are no descriptors that deep. No words with such explanation.

... and I just sat there, stuck somewhere between being offended and brokenness for those who have cheated themselves out of true, pure intimacy ...

what an awful exchange...

I looked down at my baby bump and thanked God for allowing Matt and I such a blessing...

...out of an "abnormal" marriage.

To This Day...

With sore feet and back, I can testify that the wedding was a success... and it was beautiful.
I'll be honest though, in agreeing whole-heartily to be Jes' matron of honor I did not calculate in the whole extra exhaustion of pregnancy factor. And yes, that's probably because at the time of saying yes we did not know nor were we planning to be expecting. But God gave me a supernatural strength when I most needed it - wedding day.

Sunday evening, after the church picnic, Matt and I put on PJs and pasted ourselves to the couch for many wonderful hours of sleeping (me), video game playing (Matt), and movie watching. It was a wonderful time of healing.

Here at work, today, I'm still feeling the lasting effects of a weekend well worth it. My eyelids became more heavy as noon approached. And this weak body longs for her soft blanket, noise-drowning-out fan, and firm mattress.

Congratulations Jes and Nayt. I think it all went beautifully. Now enjoy the honeymoon as "normal" begins to take shape again in your lives. I personally enjoyed most on our honeymoon the quiet times of just walking beside Matt and holding his hand. To this day, that seems to rank among the favorites. The feeling of "us". Congratulations Jes and Nayt again that "us" is now very complete for you both.


And Matt, I love you. I love you so much. Thank you for all your hard work that you did behind-the-scenes for Jes and Nayt. You bless me as you serve others. Thank you.

And avocado baby, I love you too. It's really amazing to me to watch God grow you up. And it floors me that just this upcoming winter (in 5.5 months) Matt and I may get our first chance to hold you in our arms. Oh, and Mommy thanks you for keeping down food this weekend (excluding Sunday). That was a really sweet gift of not barfing at your aunt's wedding. I know she's appreciative. - Enjoying the waiting for you. -

Today's Smile

The six-year-old patted my stomach lightly, "Fat belly."
Under any other conditions this type of commentary might have merited a verbal slap,
But today I smiled.

"That's my baby."


- guess I might be starting to show. -

We're in.

We're all moved in and almost completely unpacked (minus three office boxes that might get unpacked before the new year). Does it feel like home? no, but it's getting close. I'm still in the shock of going from a 1 bedroom apartment to a 4 bedroom house with fireplace, 2 car garage and fenced in backyard. There's also the oddity of this little room near the master bedroom with a pastel blanket on the door handle. It still floors my mind to think of a baby living in there come late December. But this beginning baby bump is starting to make it feel like just maybe I'm not pretending.

Tomorrow night's Jes' bachelorette party and I really am so excited! I can't wait to hang out with Jes and the girls. But tonight calls for much prep. But I must confess, I'm really looking forward to all the prep. It really has been quite a joyous process.

Thursday Matt and I head down to Cinci for the weekend. Rehearsal Thursday night, Friday wedding prep and family (extended and immediate) time, and Saturday's the big day. It's funny but being Matron of honor doesn't feel quite as stressful as it once looked when I saw the whole picture. With all my mom's help in wedding prep, I feel like she should be titled Matron of honor and me... just Matron of show-up and ride it out.

But either way, I'll be posting later next week after all this joy is behind me and I can reminisce on it's memory.

And come Saturday... welcome to the family, Nayt. We look forward to having you!