High School Unwinds

I find it funny how High School lives on in the rest of life. You know, "the pretty one" and "the popular one" never seem to lose that status in others eyes. "The geek" may go on to own Microsoft or very well may fade into the 80 hour workweek, but they still remain a geek to the core. I can only claim this because I am a geek in many ways. But I find it interesting how facebook sort of perpetuates this "exactly like you were in high school" image. Oh it's not just a hate party on facebook, but I'd imagine it's the same for any social networking site. You look up old high school buddies and therein lies the expectation that the popularity or whatever trait you attribute to them is just them and will forever be just them.

I guess the same can go for families too, especially long distance ones. So much of you assumes that the red-headed freckled kid will always be the chaotic 5 year old no matter how old and mature he may get. And the sister will always nag and pick on her older sister and revert to the silly slap-happy 2am moments at various times during the day merely because "we're sisters."

And I find as high school unwinds in the every day life that there are popularity clicks that also form themselves. In many ways the statuses of high school will later unfold themselves in college. Only now the geek becomes the coolest geek in his circle of friends, therefore casting aside his "old geeky self" and putting on his "new geeky self." There are the stories of the "who would have thoughts" that seem to evolve in college and somehow work the chain of status, but many just find themselves in the same categories, marrying the same categories and finding their delight in their category. "Popularity is not important," we may say as we strive to "fit in" in our own crowds.

I just find it so interesting how a status alone can create a feeling. Wow, "he's a great dad" emerges from the mouth of someone of less popularitybwhen the more popular person posts messages to his kids. It begins not to matter as much what is said, but the person who said it. Inevitably a trail of comments will come from the most outlandish thoughts of a statused person, yet the most heartfelt thoughts of a lesser statused person is met with silence.

Tiger Woods for example. How many lying, multiple cheating, awful people are out there? And yet as soon as I turn on the news, Tiger is the greatest of awful people out there... for weeks and weeks. It's how our society runs, the nastiest murderers capture "the public eye", they rank highest in their status. Maybe that's a poor example, but it is interesting to entertain.

Well they deserve the fame after working so hard to get it. Really? Who in high school worked so hard to get popularity? Well Ms. so and so befriended everyone. That may be true, but what about the nice people who also befriended everyone and "weren't pretty enough" or "smart enough." So much of popularity is attributed to us. So many of the "popular" people in my high school were popular because their older siblings were popular. Sure in each click there was a popular one, a pretty one, a smart one, a clown. But what makes one click have more status than another in the eyes of a high schooler?

I see it played out so much in the lives of the high schoolers Matt and I work with at church. There's such a social status that even plays out in the youth group. And now it appears in this upcoming generation that the "unpopular" are trying to "rebel" against the social order and becoming popular in their own way. Only it's the same method and the same status. They're just being cool in their "uncool" ways. How much of a high schooler's mind thinks high school is the living end? Spend 10 seconds with a high schooler and the answer will come to you quickly. But the question still remains, do we get stuck there?

Some college life would suggest that we do. Fame and popularity in the media would suggest that we do. The pretty receive the awards, the "willing to put it all on the line" receive the fame. But who's determining the dedication level? Who's to say that a popular person is any greater of a dad than the one who doesn't post their messages for all to see?

Just some thoughts this morning...
Please feel free to comment if you'd like.

A Summary

A letter to an old friend summing up the last year:

"Matt and I are doing well. Thanks for your warm thoughts.

We have been blessed by God and God alone. Rachael is growing strong and well. We are getting ready to celebrate her first birthday. And come late June we look forward to celebrating our second child's birth - provided that God continues to bring that into event. I have learned this past year that sacrifice is necessary, but it still hurts. I am looking forward to leaving full-time employment at the end of this week and being a stay-at-home mom of Rachael. We'll be making sacrifices to get this accomplished (like my cell phone for one), but it is well worth it. I look forward to getting the opportunity to raise our little girl and as I type that statement the hurt still wells in me from watching others raise her this past year. Oh they have done wonderfully, but still - she's my little girl. But alas, as you too can see the good and the bad in New York, I too can see the good and the bad in our choices. Matt's continuing on in seminary and has been promoted to assistant pastor of Miamisburg First Baptist Church. While it continues to be a challenge to be "the young people" of the church with minimal friends - and no one even close to our age bracket, we have found that life has grown us and changed us too. It's funny to admit, but I feel more like a 30 y/o than a mere 24.

I personally, have been finding the struggles in accepting God's love for who I am and His mission for my life in all areas of where He has planted us. So much of me would like to only do the easy work and shy away from the hard. I have found myself looking in the mirror of other's lives and counting myself as "inexperienced" or "missed opportunity". But the Lord is slowly pulling me back from my reigns and reguiding my feet to His path. I have found it's so easy to be "used to" the Bible lessons - so much so that you begin to stop listening to their importance and their crutiality in your life. Alas, I guess this is just what aging in the Lord means- you must fight harder for seeing God's word anew. It's helped to start writing letters to Jesus again. Makes me focus more on His life and not just his death. It's so easy to think of God as the Ancient of Days and miss His work all around you.

Anyway, that is where I have been and where I am growing from.

Continue to be in earshot of many, but in the active mind of few - and that's okay, I really am okay with how life has whittled out the masses and boiled it all down to the few that have stuck with me through it all. I am blessed to hold out a handful of friends after all these seasons."

And I thank God for His provision of a good handful of encouragers.

Thank you to those who have encouraged me and supported me through the seasons. I look forward to "doing life" with you in the future.

And thank you, Lord, for the honesty of this past year. I thank you for returning me to yourself, again and again. Even in the sacrifice, I know you are there. You are always there. I love You.

Resourceful

Rachael is at a fantastic age. She is exploring her world with great curiosity, which is a nice way to say that she's getting into everything. But as she finds interest in everything, she is becoming more and more resourceful. No longer is she content to merely look at something from a distance, she now must taste, touch, and experience everything to the fullest. And her mobility is merely a green light in the process.

She has mastered crawling, pulling up to a stand, and furniture walking so as to use them for her greatest accomplishments - getting into all the little nooks and crannies that we thought things were safe in. And while "no" comes back with a squeak (talking back), she is responding well to the limit-setting. But again, she resorts to her resourceful self.

Like tonight, for example, I was sitting on the floor playing alongside the little trooper. Everything I touched was instantly Rachael's. At one point, I held onto an object and refused to let her take it from me. I told her I was playing with that. She looked at me in amazement, could Mommy ever refuse to share in her world of instant satisfaction? She picked up a manger scene character and handed it to me. When I took it from her she grabbed my toy.

Later she found her bottle in her diaper bag - never fails, that kid always finds her bottle no matter how hard we try to hide that diaper bag from her. She grabbed her bottle out of the bag and crawled over and handed her bottle to me. I hid it behind my back. She squeaked. So I handed her a lint roller to play with. So she used the lint roller to knock the remote control (a "no no") off the side table and grab it. Stinking resourceful. And as I type this she has utilized a toy to knock open the laundry door and try to climb in Dakota's cage. While these behaviors could be seen as terroristic in nature, I find great enjoyment in her resourcefulness. For it merely takes a "no", which is responded with a squeak, with an occasional smack of the hand and then obedience is mine.

How I love that little girl. Let the good times continue!

Quickly

Just a quick post to say over here that I am pregnant with our second child. matt and I should be expecting this little one somewhere around June 23rd. Rachael will be 1.5 y/o when she welcomes her sibling to the world and we will be kept on our toes, i am sure. But we thought, what a greater time than this and how awesome to grow up with a brother or sister that is so close in age. Matt and I are very excited. We're due to the doctor next week and via the last appointment all is good and little kidney bean is doing great. I'll keep you posted as more news comes in. We are so excited. Wait? Did I mention we were excited?

That's right friends, coming home in 12 work days too!

Hope things are going well with you all.

A Finding

You know, I've found out some things over the past few days. First off, sacrifice can change you. It's odd how commentary from a stay-at-home mom about the difficulties of a full-time job can leave me securing some self-regulation. Funny how the emotions well up inside after pushing yourself through a tunnel, and in some ways surrendering to survive. It's so wild how much that changes your world. As I continue the countdown (15 work days left), it doesn't make the sting of the sacrifice any easier, but I find my knees hitting the ground in thanks that the tunnel's light is almost encompassing. And while the emotions may well themselves in my throat on occasion, I have realised that sacrifices may be common to man, but not interchangeable. Therefore, I am learning to find self-regulation amidst the honesty of the sacrifice. Again, a balance to be had.

I have realised some shortcomings in my ability to show Christ in the workplace. Some serious shortcomings. And that I look upon with regret as I begin my goodbye's. I know I have yet to reach perfection, but I can't help but wonder how much more of an example I could have been if I would have been more faithful amidst the storm. I make no excuse for my shortcomings, but look to better conquer the next trial - only through the harnessed power of Christ.

Enjoying the Thanksgiving break. Work was closed on Thanksgiving and today. Also have Monday off and am looking forward to being Matt's sidekick to Seminary. I figure the window frame of me tagging along is only narrowing and I would like to see what he experiences while I have the luxury. Besides, can't beat a good 5 hour round trip car ride with your best friend. Love that man. Love him, love him. Will be fun also to take Rachael on the excursion. She likes the long ride - we hope. =)

A deep sigh emerges as I think of the hard lessons that some friends are learning. Some are far from home and in search of home. Some are lost in emptiness. And some are just weighed down by situations beyond their control. My heart goes out to them. And better yet, my prayers. Hold fast, dear friends, Jesus is sufficient.

Well better get off this thing, Rachael's down for the night and I just can't pass up the chance to cheer Matt on in his PlayStation golfing attempts. Again, love that man. Love him so much.

Good night all those snuggling down for the night. Hope your thanksgiving has been a time of great family time and love. Rest in the assurance of Jesus. He is all we need. Praise be to God. Jesus is all we need.

- sending my love.

Language

"A da" has various meanings to a 10 month old. If we're in the car it means she's talking to her feet. If the radio's on, it's singing and much more of a drawn out "a daaaaaaa." If it comes rapid fire it means Matt. If it's during play it means happiness. If she says it while on the bed looking over the edge it means "Dakota." Im not one of those Mothers who claims to have a genius (she's picking dog hair off the carpet and eating it), but I am enjoying her developing language.

I love the variety that pours out of a simple phrase. Ah the joy of a baby - a baby who's chewing on Dakota's Kong as I write this.

=)

Today and such

28 more working days left until I am DONE!!! - not that I'm counting or anything and not that it's in my scheduler written in red at the top of each day.-

My stomach's WAY off today. I wouldn't have come in but I knew they'd be short staffed today. So I sucked it up, despite dry heaves, and here I am (on my lunch break). This soup doesn't look or feel like it's going to sit too well.

Went in this morning to a pacifier smiler at 6:30am. Funny how nearly 12 hours of sleep has that blessed affect on her. There were no whines or tears, just all smiles. And bath time was joyous and all the more so when Rachael caught a glimpse of Dakota coming down the hallway. It was nice to have a happy morning, despite the dry heaves.

The white car is sick. $1200 dollars of sick. But we have found ourself yet again blessed by our friends to have borrowed a car from a friend for 2 weeks until the budget is passed at church and we find out if it makes sense to resurrect the family car or move on to something that may survive longer. We're enjoying the luxury of a van for the time being- and not only a van, but a van with a bunch of buttons and features. Way fun, you all, I love pushing the buttons.

Rachael started fake coughing after Matt or I cough the other day. So silly. And is ready for tooth #3 to pop in the top any day now. She's going through a bit of a snuggly mommy phase (no complaints) and is mobile and blabbering as ever before. She's trying to figure out how to say "uh-oh" and has "mama" and "dada" down.

Matt and I have started a gym membership in attempts to kill ourselves (HA!) and stay in better shape. Matt's goal will blow you away: to GAIN 25 pounds. Like SERIOUSLY! Cracks me up. But one of my favorite features of the gym in the movie theater with all the treadmills, bikes and elipticles. Talk about some good distraction. Thus far Rachael has done pretty well with the daycare part too - excluding the one time they ran the vaccum and they had to come get me because she lost it and wasn't getting it back.

How are you all? Hope your day is a good one.

A Little Lioness

Halloween was fun. We went over to the Thornells for some good candy pass-out bliss. We sat all bundled up on their front lawn surrounded by carved pumpkins and tea-light candle milk jugs. And the friends were fantastic as usual. Afterall, Jenney and me's like peas and carrots.

Mom (primarily) and I made the costume.

Hello Again...

from the house with a professional crawler who is perfecting furniture walking. We're doing well here. Today I miss the little one and am feeling like 38 work days is forever long away, but am trying my best to convince myself that it will fly like the rest has.

I('m sure absolutely no one reads this blog anymore, but I will be working harder to keep this thing more updated as I come closer and closer to coming home.

I put in my 2 month notice two Fridays ago. It was nice to get that off my back and out in the open. So now I'm left to the task of not losing my mind while I'm still here. It helps to keep the coutdown going. The only danger of countdowns is that you run the risk of not being able to live in the moment, but only in the future, but no fear, I'm totally alreayd there. J/k

This childcare thing has hit a mild bump that could turn into a detour. There's a good chance that my "stable" kiddo may not be needing the services any longer. We'll find out for sure come November 16th. But I am fully and completely trusting that God will provide for all our needs. Maybe not all our wants, but certainly all our needs.

It blows my mind that Rachael is 9.5 months old. Wowzers, that went fast. And "Mama" has never sounded so good before. Gotta love the character that keeps emerging. Yesterday Rachael was laughing hysterically as Matt tickled her on the changing table. Her laugh is adorable. Brings such joy to us.

I'm feeling a bit goobly today. Stomach's off and the chicken noodle's not cutting it. Wish I could have stayed home today. Miss Rachael a lot today. But today's a Monday so it's to be expected. Matt's at seminary all day (starting at 5:15am and all of our schedules are off because we all have to get up earlier than usual in order to get out the door "on time." Today I didn't make it. I was about 25 minutes late to work. One of those days... oh well.

Tonight's date night, so I'm looking forward to that as usual. Matt and I have decided to fill shoe boxes for Operation Christmas Child tonight. Should be a good time. Looking forward to seeing that wonderful man of mine tonight.

Thanks to the 1.5 of you that read this thing... even if it's 2 months later. Thanks for the support.

God bless you and have a great day!

FYI

Peanut started crawling (motivated by the new dog bone - go figure!)

And how handy crawling has become. =)

She's just Her

Personality emerges more and more.

A Planner Planning

We were walking to the grocery store last night and enjoying the conversation about our upcoming California vacation and January plans when he said, "Over the past 2 years we've probably paid off about $17,000 in school debt. That's pretty good since the cars are paid off and we're paying over on the loan payments."

$17,000 - that blows my mind! Props to a fantastic financial planning husband! Especially since we started the debt reduction payments we have not carried a single balance (excluding our payment for the white car for 9 months or so) on a credit card, have shifted loans about to get the best interest rate, payed over for most loan payments, consolidated loans, and still gone on a vacation to Niagra Falls last year, California this year, and Matt's already saving for vacation next year. With the budget we're on - and he's made it flexible to incorporate extraneous spending like going to the theatre tonight with Matt's parents- we should be doing quite well come January.

"We were going to use the tax return to pay off the Ed Financial loan, but it looks like that'll be pretty much gone by then, maybe like $400 left which we'll probably just pay off. So I'll probably just put the tax return into savings for just in case."

Matt's already been setting aside a "nest egg" which we can use as a buffer while the January childcare gets on it's feet. But with one solidified kid for January, Matt basing our entire budgeting for January+ on his current salary (just to make sure we're not banking on an amount that we're guessing to be his raise), October's passing of the church budget will tell us how many more kids I need to add on to the January childcare.

But I tell you what - this January "great escape" is taking flight before our very eyes!

I also just found the equivalent of an $80 double stroller for $25. I brought it home last night and washed all the fabrics and that stroller looks GREAT and is extremely functional! And then I was given some more toddler toys from work and a wooden dollhouse! Let alone being given some toys and a wooden swing set from Jenney. It's just absolutely amazing to watch God orchestrate this all. Absolutely amazing! January is coming alive - right before my eyes. And it's such a blessing to look at Rachael and know that I'm going to be blessed to join in the discovery - much more than I already have.

Thanks be to God!

Summer Fun

We've been having a great summer. Here's a few peaks at this summer's joys through Rachael's eyes. It's nothing fantastic, just a little summer fun.

we've been going for walks a lot

here Rachael helps Daddy play video games.

who needs expensive toys when they have a pacifier clip?

hanging out with the cousins
(they are crazy big too)

Rachael likes John - "he's my size!"

and sweet Bekah.

sitting now

always loving Dakota - who is doing impressively well with Rachael

the new swing (a steal from the thriftstore - not literally)

So that's pretty much been our summer. We've been enjoying church activities like lock-ins and Matt went to Summer camp with the youth (which was hard on Rachael and I but totally worth it to see God work through the youth). We've kept busy, but still kept the balance of the precious things in life. And while work still continues to tax me, the countdown continues until January. Matt has been a blessing to me in the midst of this trial called work. But life presses on and the smiles that await me at home are worth the current sacrifice.

Rachael's getting so big and it blows my mind. She's been growing like one of those weeds in the backyard that we can't get rid of no matter our desires or efforts - only wanted. =)
But when it all wears down at the end of the day, she's still my little cuddlebug.

Finally Gettin' Around...

So I'm finally getting around to posting about Florida. Wowzers - pretty sad that it's taken over 2 months. But bare with me here because it takes a good while to get much of anything done with a very curious baby on your lap who's trying to eat the keyboard.

Florida, Florida, Florida. I'll give you a quick rundown of the trip and then share the rest in pictures.

Trip started off a bit delayed after missing our connecting flight in Atlanta due to weather and airport traffic delays. We ended up spending the night in Atlanta in a stranded-type fashion (eek, Rachael just grabbed a computer capble out of the computer and ut it in her mouth. - one moment.) Okay, so needless to say Jes and I were super ready to see Aunt Yvonne and Uncle Paul when we arrived.

The first day was a bit blurry (I had 2 hours of sleep the night prior) but we enjoyed it. We went to the mall.

Enjoyed the car rides.

Went to Aunt Yvonne and Uncle Paul's fishing park. Rode an airboat (wicked sweet going whipping over lilly pads and such).

Next day we enjoyed seeing Uncle Paul's work and touring about South Beach (CSI Miami) Zone including touching the ocean with our toes.

Going down this really sweet little world away from the Miami show called Espionage Way. Seeing some really awesome huge treees and going to "the best" bakery.

And then we window shopped at a local mall - getting the opportunity to see Aunt Yvonne and Uncle Paul's Bass Pro Shop (so kind of them to share it with us).

Then we went to Dave and Buster's and home to the hottub (oh yeah!).

Next morning we enjoyed home-made movie entertainment. Then we wandered off to the sweetest place of the whole trip - the Everglades National Park. The heat had broken because there was a huge storm on the horizon so all of us enjoyed the break from the sweltering. And did I mention that we got to see uncontained gators (anywhere from 5 to 20 feet away)? Don't worry, we kept a close watch on Rachael.

Gator to the right in picture

Then is was back home for a pizza delivery night filled with movies. And off to the airport the next morning.

Oh yes, dear friends, we had a wonderful time.

Thank you again, Aunt Yvonne and Uncle Paul for your willingly welcoming desert heat oasis.
Love you both!

New With Us

Just wanted to pop in and share what's new in the land of discovery.

Rachael loves playing with Daddy and smiles when tossed in the air.

Rachael's perfecting the skill of holding her bottle.


Trying new things. (The spoon is the grossest.)



Rolling over from stomach to back.

And sleeping through the night in her crib for the first time!

(Self-soothing is a hard skill without a pacifier.)

Yep, that's our little Rachael taking steps of independence.



Yeah, we're all a little amazed.

To the Child.

To the child who’s stranger appears after 6 years of silence and calls himself Dad when the family you have learned to call Mom and Dad and who bought you that new swingset were getting ready to have your last name too: I understand that you can’t seem to verbalize the flood of confusion, hurt, and fear you feel and I promise to knock over the blocks with you and look the other way when you yell at the ball as you kick it repetitively into the wall. I also will never judge you for wetting your pants because your Dad’s face reminds you of a past you couldn’t be saved from in time enough to protect you from the hurts.

To the child who’s Daddy hurts his Mommy and all you can think to repeat during play is “Run, he’s coming!” And as Mommy pretends to understand Daddy’s English while she secretly plans to leave the country with you and return to your big family, I completely understand why you are running out of the room more and shrieking without consoling. I promise to run after you in reminder to you that you matter enough to me to pursue, and to speak back to you in movie quotes and song lyrics because your Autism reverts to that familiarity.

To the child who is sad because “Mommy forgot” again to feed you and you are wearing the same shirt from yesterday. I understand when you need to scream about your belly hurting, even when your screaming looks like cussing at me and trying to kick me. I promise to always have breakfast and to pursue you with that breakfast because I want you to know that it matters to me that your belly needs a “morning snack.” And I also promise to sit with you and read stories to you as you rest on the couch because you “didn’t sleep well.”

And to the other five children in my group and those across the hall that also join my group, I promise to find out what you are looking for and what it is that you are trying to say through your kicking, hitting, screaming, scratching and biting – even when you are doing those things to yourself.



And to the baby girl that I am leaving “at home” to tend to these others…

i miss you.

and thank you for letting me hold you close as I remove my work shoes.

Gold and Lace

Just wanted to share a few pictures from our Easter.

Rachael and Daddy.


Rachael and Mommy.

Easter Dress Posing.

After she was done tasting the flower

she decided that her dress and hand combination was better.

- Hope your Easter was nice.