Perspective

Perspective

Please excuse the carpet fuzz in my hair,
She needed me on her level.

Please excuse the “so last year” jeans,
Big pockets produce pacifier comforts.

Please excuse my best sweater’s spaghetti stains,
Biting a tongue is cured by hugs.

Please excuse my lingering outside the nursery door,
When I'm not there she fears I don't exist.

Please excuse my un-kept hair,
She just had to run to see Daddy.

Please excuse these tears in my eyes,
Today they’re small, tomorrow is near.


-written 12/15/2010

5 Months and Rainy Ramblings

Day 1

Month 5

Today Abi is 5 months old. That may not seem big to you in comparison to years of knowledge and skill, but for me it feels like a blink of an eye ago she was born and now she has five months under her belt. She's a real baby now - no longer that tiny, fragile, fearful stage. She's rolling over (all on her time schedule and not terribly predictable yet), playing with her voice, growing out of her baby car seat, sleeping 10 hours a night, standing in the bouncy-swing and running the world on the weekends. Maybe it's just me, but all of a sudden she feels huge. She's a little person and personality is blooming.


And thus I am thrown into the world of reflection; thinking of how wonderful her addition to our family has been. And how much has changed since college.

You know, it never ceases to amaze me to watch change unfold. Old college friends moving to different states, high school peers getting married and having families of their own... constant change.

And today I'm grateful to sit out on the front porch swing and sip some tea while watching the rain...

because who knows what tomorrow will bring.

... new life
... goodbyes
... more changes.

So today I'm going to swing and say my thank you's to God. Thank you for my husband, my babies, my family, my friends, my little world....


How big this world can feel... while watching the rain fall and sipping my cup of tea.

Strangers

We finished our journey through the Anne of Green Gables series. It took us ten months. And as I looked backward I realised how much had changed in those ten months. I stared out reading the series with a just-barely one year old in my hands and ended the series with an almost 5 month old and a toddler in bed nearby. Wild to think of the amount of change that happened in our world between chapters. Heck, if we went back today and met those people ten months ago we would find ourselves strangers.

I began thinking today as I listened to Tarzan in the background of Matt and my lunch date in the dining room once the kids were all in their rest places. I wondered how culture shocked adventurers, missionaries and explorers must feel in "visiting" the States, or even just cities. So often we city/suburb folks think of vacationing out to somewhere quiet and how de-stressing that thought would be - a place to avoid all the noise of being home. And yet between expeditions, adventures, or missions trips there must be the opposite affect. How some days I long for the quiet and then on those days I get the quiet I suddenly have no idea what to do. Funny how one can find themselves in both places and be such strangers.

My sister wrote a blog entry on her birthday about enjoying the thought of becoming older. I think she and I share the desire to have a greater usefulness of our lives for Jesus. And I think we also share the same "disillusions" that coming in age is not a bad thing. Apparently our culture feels hat wrinkles and gray hairs need to be masked - as if youth somehow holds the key to all understanding and knowledge. And I was wondering after reading Jes' post if when we are old we will be respected, or if our culture will have successfully written off the possibility that wisdom can indeed come from experience, even experience that shows itself in gray hairs. Nice to now that after 20-some-odd years Jes and I still think quite similarly and have not found ourselves to be strangers.

Rachael's been sick for about a week. We missed church Sunday and were unable to attend again on Wednesday night. While I'm sure people are appreciate Rachael's ability to be selfish with her cold when it comes to their toddlers sharing far too much, there is an odd sense of isolation in he quiet of this un-interrupted week. We usually find ourselves visiting with cousins, planning play dates with friends, and playing in the mall during any given week. But Rachael's nasty coughing and fire-hydrant nose screams "run for your life" to all mothers and their children. And it's funny how one week of shut-in can make me feel like we're strangers.



In less strange news =) :

- Abi's rolling over (occasionally)
- Abi's trying new baby foods
- Abi's enjoying being put down more = YAY!!!
- Rachael's quite creative - sometimes to her detriment
- Rachael still says the funnies things with such sincerity of heart
- Rachael's now sleeping in a toddler bed - the rail is officially gone off her crib.
- Matt's busy with school but is looking forward to the last 2 weeks of school ahead
- Matt and I are going away for a night after Thanksgiving to just be the two of us w/o kids and we're SO EXCITED.
- And well me... um.... yeah, I'm good. Really am. Just humming along here.


Oh and we're starting reading the Chronicles of Narnia now before nap time. Yay fun!

- hope you're doing well!

Some Ramblings on Reality

"It's been a long time since you've last posted," my husband says as we watch Sunday night football and he picks at a paper/plays on the computer.


Hold on, let me adjust this baby in my arms in order to stop typing with one finger.

When people say that no two children are the same, I couldn't agree more.

So here's my life lately, thus my reasons behind non-posts... day by day. Some days are crazy - like CRAZY - and some days are rest from crazy. And some days and moments are a good mix. But thus is the life of a mom of 2.5 kids (I have an honorary member for 6.5hrs/workday). Please, let me explain a minute...

Rachael is almost 2. No more explanation needed. And Abi wants held - 24/7. And at any given moment in time someone is either fussing or crying or making a nasty diaper or needing something of me. So when do I find my free time? (Oh wait, what's free time?) Nap time. Sometimes, nap time.

And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

You know, I'd like to share a piece of my heart for a moment - and please take this all in context. I love my children - even through their flaws. And that love comes at great cost. Please hear me out, I am not complaining, this motherhood is a choice, but it really is a hard one. I could spend my time working to put my kids in daycare and I'm sure they would turn out to be fairly decent kids. But coming home and being with them 24/7 was a sacrifice, but the right sacrifice.

I feel like all I ever talk about is my kids sometimes. But you must understand, that's what I do right now in my life. I try hard not to dominate conversations and speak about stuff other than funny sayings, booger noses, and explosive diapers - but that is my world. You see, the most advanced conversation I get during the day is a quiet 5.5 y/o. Again, this is not complaining, I chose this and I am grateful for this - but this is just where I'm at.

And I'm not going to lie, there are moments and days in which I want to just put my kds ito someone's arms and get away from the crying and the neediness. There are times that I don't want to be a mom and if one more person asks me for one more thing I'm going to explode. And in those times I find myself on the porch swing, with an Anne of Green Gables book, and usually an Abi in my lap (because the kid won't let me put her down despite my trying).



Matt and I have been going through much comfort-zone pushing. So many times I feel like we're standing on the edge of life, about to fall into a huge adventure. And there are so many days that I feel like Matt is experiencing the adventure of the real world, and I am watching our kids.

There is so much that I want to do and be a part of and see and experience - and then two little ones look at me and have their list of requirements. And some things go back on the shelf for a later in life yet to come.

Do not pity me, please, I am not asking for your pity. I just invite you friends into my life.

Matt is a fantastic husband. Hear that loud and clear. Our church blesses us beyond measure. And I wouldn't trade our little family for the world. But with the place that we're at in life comes much sacrifice. I wonder how my mother felt raising Jes and I while Daddy was at work. She talks of having very few friends - if even any at all - and the financial restraints that they overcame. We were her world, I know it because I was there - and yet I wonder if there were times that she just wanted to be "out there" in the world.

It's funny but staying at home with our kids makes you feel like you're running your life in a different world than most. A 9-5 exists for everyone but you. And when Matt comes home and everyone is off from work, I want so much to spend family time together and raise our kids together that most days friendships occur at scheduled times maybe once/week.

Maybe I am just being welcomed to adulthood - maybe it's more.



I don't regret leaving work - like really how could I? I don't miss the chaos of all the work and the feeling of swimming in created stress imposed upon me by unrealistic requirements (since my employments end my boss has resigned and no one has taken her place and according to past work friends - work is a TOTALLY different place and has changed for the better).
But what I do miss is the adult conversation. I miss feeling like I know anything about what's going on outside of this house. I usually get relayed information, if it gets to me at all, and it's funny how isolating a few kids can be to a 25y/o when most of her friends have either just gotten married or are engaged.

It's odd to be the first to enter into their mid-thirties lifestyle while still 25. It's so weird to be stranded in an age gap at our church - where my closest church friends have kids that are stock-piling our youth group. I am grateful for a friend in Ellen - and I've come to realise how i need her. Somehow being a mom of 2 kids at 25 isn't as ridiculous and isolating with a 26y/o sister in law who's mom of 3.

I wouldn't trade these babies for the world - as little Abi coos at me from my lap. And while the pendulum can feel like it swings to great isolation some days, I find my peace in the other side's company. I just want to be real in admitting where I am. Sometimes my greatest company is a fictional world in Anne of Green Gables, where the storyline can wait through my chaos for another porch swing moment to come - and then it picks up where it left off.

I need to get off of here, Abi's announcing her urgent needs.

Just wanted to post something real - not that my other posts are not real.


Thanks for reading this, those of you that still are.

The Wall

We've all experienced it... after a long and wonderful time you hit it...

The Wall.

Over the past month: Matt has started back at seminary, Summer has ended and school has started for Lexi (the child I watch), our Pastor has been out of the office due to a shoulder surgery so Matt has been "on call", Matt has started and finished preaching his first sermon series, Rachael has started making a pattern of waking in the middle of the night and refusing to nap interspersedly, Abi has had many "grumpy" days where little satisfies her, I have been having headaches, our 3 year anniversary and 3 days of festivities ensued (including 2 late nights after Dave/Busters and King's Island), and we stayed the weekend at my parent's house with just me, the kids, and a favorite helper so Jes, Mom and I could sing a trio in church.

Yes, world, now that all this has happened we find ourselves at the foot of the wall.... in pieces....

So for the next few days I have vowed to just run the normal routine, normal nap/bedtimes, normal schedules. And I'm hoping by us getting back to normal Rachael will begin to sleep better, Abi will be less grumpy (and in turn all of us will be less grumpy), we'll all sleep a bit better and my headaches may subside. With a few lock-down, nearly pajama days I feel the hope that normalcy will again find itself in our desiring company.

We have had our peaks and our valleys in this past month, but I wouldn't trade it for the world... just happy to feel the embrace of a quiet house again. (Cue the breathing.)

Hope things are going well with you all...

Summertime!!!

I was backing out of the sprinkler park parking spot upon saying our goodbyes to dear friends. With hugs allotted and all children in their proper carseats after a few hours of good hard play a sweet, small and exhausted voice came from the backseat... "bye bye water."

_______


We're back in the swing of things, Lexi has returned to our clan once again. And thus we find our afternoons and our weeks filled once again with 5 y/o laughter and playing. Three can be a challenge sometimes during the day, but juggling may have some disastrous near-misses turned into brilliant thrill rides. Abi and Rachael are on a predictable enough schedule that we can do wonderful things like... leave the house and try on some new scenery. While we have one window frame per day that allows us to get out before we need to either be at lock-down at someone's home or return for nap time, it is fun to feel the life of summer again.

And Matt has been amazingly helpful in catering Abi's nursing needs with my modesty needs and my desire not to share too much human anatomy with five year old curiosity. Lexi has been wonderful in permitting me some space to feed Abi and yet not be utterly secluded from my very active and needing supervision and guidance toddler.

The addition of a swing set and piano (thanks again Jenney) helps to bring some "at home" entertainment to the array of familiar toys on scalding hot days. It's nice to have a playground in the backyard on days that leaving the house feels like way too much work. And with a few playgrounds in walking distance and the library nearby we are back into the swing of enjoying the free's of the neighborhood.

One diamond in the ruff is the free sprinkler park a community over. In one of my more ambitious moments, we wrangled up bathing suits, slapped on the sunblock and fond ourselves enjoying the heat together. With a five year old scream of excitement upon view of the water zone after pulling into the parking lot the park is destined not to disappoint. Add a few friends to the mix and some cousins and you get two kids knocked out cold for afternoon rest time. It was wonderful.

But don't ever underestimate the adventure found in normalcy - like giving Abi a bath, AKA watering Rachael and the bathroom floor while dumping butter tubs of water on "Abi's belly." Everyone helps and we all have a jolly good time. Even Abi appeared not to mind getting a plastic spoon thrown into her tub (thank you, Rachael).

Needless to say, we are enjoying summer here and hoping all is well with you all.

____________

"Go Get Daddy"

- just another picture of the joy of Rachael's world. -

The Girls and Reminders

Peaks and Valleys fill our lives here at the parsonage. Peaks of "we're making it well with two kids," and valleys of "are we going to make it through the next ten minutes?" It's helped me ask for help more and admit my shortcomings more, which is not always that comfortable. (wink)

"The girls" Matt called them when explaining to his mom that he needed to get off the phone because we were out and about with "the girls." The phrase brought back years of taking care of "the girls" moments passed between Mom and Dad on the phone. We were "the girls" in Daddy's talk many a time. And now we have our own "the girls." In that moment our family felt wonderfully complete or shall I say, well rounded. The girls.... we now really have two kids. Wow, we're parents.... TWICE. In some moments that fact seems to age me by 10 years and in other moments that fact sees to label me irresponsible. Maybe I flirt on both sides. =)


Nothing like a good on-fire Christian to make you feel like a cold coal. But I am grateful for the reminders to continually seek the Source of Flame. Sometimes I find myself feeling like I'm doing nothing for the Kingdom when I witness old peers and younger adults say, selling all their stuff and moving to Africa (wink, wink to Theresa). It's so easy to get caught up in the comparison game here until I begin to feel like Matt working at a Baptist church in Miamisburg is nothing compared to running off to the mission field. Maybe it's part of my adventurous dreamer feeling antsy. Maybe I'm getting to "used to" church. Maybe Moses doesn't feel like he's coming back with the Ten commandments so I start building calves. God's been using friends' stories of devotion as little heart-checks for me. It's nice to have your eyes opened and be spurred on... after the sting is behind you. =) But I am grateful of the reminder that this world is not my home, so don't get too comfy here. Changing diapers is my lifestyle, but not my worth or my mission. How am I serving beyond the routines? Am I intentional? I've been chewing on those thoughts for a little while - they tend to be tough and lasting.


- Just sharing a little brain vomit with you all....

feel properly stained. (ewww, bad illustration.)



Take care, all.
=)

Arrival of a Tiny One

Abi's here - all 8 lbs of her. She's a long and tiny one weighing in at 8lbs 8.7oz and 22 inches long at birth (this is one of the few times in her life that it'll be appropriate to ask about her weight. hehe). She is a sweet little blond haired, gray/blue eyed (like her Daddy) baby who has fit just wonderfully into our little family.

You know, it's funny to hear of us being a "family of four" now. Marrying a husband who is the second of 7 children, having two kids doesn't sound all that impressive (since we all know I live to impress others - HA). But looking at my side of the family, a family of four is the landing place for many of us. So being called a family of four feels like a big deal sometimes. This having two kids is where many people say, "all right, we're done." And there certainly are moments in my little world of being mom to two temporarily I-need-your-attention-right-now-in-this-moment-or-I'm-going-to-lose-all-control kids that make me understand why some people say "done" at two. Who knows what Matt and I have in our future regarding our family, this could be the "end of the road" regarding populating our household- or maybe it could be the start of a batch of 500 kids. Kidding.

All I know is that our little, or big in many eyes, family of four is so wonderful. I am finding myself blessed beyond anything I could have imagined to just hold my babies. Sure, according to "most of the planet" I'm out of my mind for having two children just under 18 months apart (until I introduce my neice and two nephews who are all in the same family and 3 y/o and under). But quite the contrary - Rachael and Abi will be a year apart in school and can you imagine how fun the older preschool years will be with dress-up play and outdoor sprinklers in the yard and family vacations? Oh it's not to imply that my kids aren't fun now, cause that's not the case. It's just so wonderful to think of the life that they have and will bring to the household as they grow up together. We are so blessed. So blessed.

Thanks God.

Just a Toy

It’s funny how much joy it brought to me to see Rachael running to me with an old favorite toy. She came to me to show me one of her favorite toys from when she was learning to crawl until walking. And for a 17 month old, any toy that makes the favorite list for a good 5 months is a big deal – that’s a good part of her life. This little toy sings a rhyming song about the animal that is face-up on the cube. It’s a completely fabric cube toy so it’s little baby-teething safe. Rachael loved it so much that Matt and I have the rhyming songs for each of the 6 sides memorized. We could practically sing them in our sleep.

But what means more to me than the cube is the memory of the smiles and animation that toy brought out of little Rachael. It was that same animation and excitement the small toddler had as she ran to me with the toy.

I remember that specific cube toy going on a trip with me to Dallas. I was nannying for a three year old and a 9 month old on their vacation. I had those same songs memorized since the cube was one of a handful of toys we had with us for a week. And when the news spread of my pregnancy with Rachael, the hand-me-down cube toy found it’s way to our home. How funny to think of the now 8 or so year old (once 3 y/o) and her younger brother who is 5 (once 9 months) – and since then there’s been another brother added to the family. It was just funny how Rachael running across the room to me with utter joy flashed all the memories through my mind at once. And now our little Abi will get the blessing of playing with the same cube of memories.

Hands Together

I was just thinking about our 1 year anniversary to Niagara Falls today. I was flipping through some pictures and thought I'd finally get around to trying to fix some of my beginner photography errors in those pictures. And it hit me like a tun of bricks...

I just wanted to get away with Matt again. I couldn't help but smile as I flipped through the pictures. That was a great trip. But the most fun I had in that trip was just walking beside Matt as we explored the area. It was the walking next to him as we experienced things together for the first time that I wanted and am left wanting after flipping through those memories.

We do life together well, I must say. Yes, we have our hiccups like all do, but we find our enjoyment in doing life together (which is a good thing right, since we're stuck with each other for the rest of our lives). But there is just something about Matt that makes me want him to myself here and there. I love his character. I love to talk to him. And I really just love sitting next to him or walking next to him - no words have to be expressed. This may seem gooshy and silly since I am a "grown woman" and should love and like my husband. But I still enjoy the continually newfound revelation that Matt is my best friend and my true love.

As life takes us where God directs, I am finding that my heart holds greater and greater depths of love for Matt. Each passing day I come to realise that I love him more today than I did yesterday and all the more today do I want to just walk beside him - even stronger is the desire today than yesterday.

And so in that same flood of emotion I find myself just wanting to get away with Matt, away from the distraction and noise - just to be with him... and see ... and experience ... life.

We don't have to go far or spend a bunch of money, it's the quality time that speaks to my heart.

I just love holding his hand and doing life together...

Can I get a Witness?

I have witnessed wrath waiting around the corner, scrunched down, with crazy in his eyes as naive Dakota trots down the hallway - oblivious of anything other than "play, play, play.'

I have witnessed wrath flying accross the room and racing like mad under the table and around the chairs with no provoking.

I have witnessed wrath sit innocently with big eyes, melt your heart, and then the next minute sink a claw into a passing dog face with brutal hissing.

I have witnessed wrath, I live with wrath...

his name is Juneau.

And I adore him.

Good Ole Days

I am happy to be found old fashioned when it comes to raising Rachael.

I guess I just think there is too big of a push for kids to grow up. I have found more exposure to this regarding the kind of comedy that kids are watching on say, the Disney channel. Like "I Carly" for example. I don't have anthing against the show, personally, there's not any garbage in the show or poor material. It's just that it's encouraged to have a small child watch the show. The show's designed for the "pre-teen" population, but many of the clothes are sold in preschool sizes. Again, there's nothing distasteful about the show, it's just that there's something about cartoons and silly little kid shows disappearing that makes me a bit sad. (Gotta love PBS, but somehow they're the only channel that has kept truly preschool shows.) Dora, which was actually designed for the preschool age, is now a "baby show" and something "older" has taken Dora's place in the preschooler's eyes.

It's sad to watch a child really have no idea how to play. It reminds me of two little girls in my old afternoon kindergarten class. They were "surprise" kids in a line of older siblings. And these girls were so obesssed with appearance and "boyfriends" that they did not know how to play. They just sat around talking about others. It was so sad. Sticks and dirt and rocks meant nothing to them. I remember how I used to play outside all day long n the summer. I have no idea what I did, but I loved it. Now don't get me wrong, there's the book readers verses outdoor kids among us everywhere, but the book readers used to be the exception to the other "normal" kids who played outdoors. Now the book readers remain still the exception and the majority being kids that struggle to play. The routine instead is coming home from daycare , where a tight schedule is created with minimal freeplay, supper, bath and bed. Where's the imagination encouragement?

I miss the concept of putting a kid in play clothes and letting them tear loose in the backyard mud. Now their polo might get dirty.

Sure I'm stuck in my own bias, I'll be happy to own up to that. I just wish I heard of more parents who play dressup with their kids instead of turn on the TV. I wish I saw evidence of more parents stacking blocks without needing to announce colors and shapes with Einstein movies in the background for their 9 month old. There is value in learning, but sometimes we can push too hard to grow a child up that we lose the joy of their current development. Sometimes splashing in the bathtub and mouthing toys is enough.

Hope I don't forget that any time soon.

Exchanging Browns

I awoke to her moans on the monitor. She was an hour and half early. "She'll put herself back to sleep," I thought. Twenty minutes later she was fussing off and on. Only later did I discover the culprit of her early start to the day - a new tooth. But my body reluctantly led itself through the dark hallway to her room. "I just want to check on her," I reassured Matt. I crept into her room. After a minute she sensed my presence, immediately stood up and flung her arms at me. I picked her up. Who could have resisted? She motioned for blankey with a grunt. So Rachael, blankey, and I traveled back to the ever-so-desired reward of Mommy and Daddy's bed. After laying there a few minutes I opened my eyes to discover her browns studying my face. We exchanged browns for browns for a moment as she rubbed the sleep indicator part on her right ear. I thought in that instance, "What in the world makes me this privileged to be her Mother? What did I do to earn her complete comfort and trust?" I felt her inhales and exhales with ease. An unspeakable thankfulness flooded from my heart to my Maker. I flashed her a smile. I could see her smile lines twitch around her pacifier. And then she leaned in and rubbed her forehead on my face. And there she chose to remain until her forehead slipped to my lips and she nuzzled in closer.

What in the world did I do to deserve this unconditional love?

Nothing.

And yet still what a cherished moment...

I have been given.



- Thank You, thank You. -

Transparent

Yesterday I walked into the room to discover the 5 y/o I watch in the afternoons was making a picture with puffy gel paint. She immediately looked guilty and hid the paint under the table. I was not angry with her, I had put out the paint for her to play with, allowing her the chance of responsibility, and did not require her to ask me before using the paint. But for some reason she believed that she could be in trouble and hid the paint. Only trouble, she was hiding the culprit under a glass table.

Isn’t that what we do with God sometimes? We think maybe if we don’t acknowledge our shortfalls and we don’t draw attention to the areas in our life where we’re not obeying then we can somehow hide it under the table from God. Only trouble, the table is glass.

God just kinda nailed me with that lesson yesterday.

Home-Improvement Bug Bites Again!

I have this home-improvement vibe about me again today. I'm sure it's the nesting hormonal prego fun. But today I just might get the opportunity to employ it properly - our house is a wreck. I look around this room and think of the others nearby and all these projects jump out and beg for attention. When was the last time the shelves were ever cleaned? (Ha!) Does that stained blanket really accent the fireplace well? How about those crusty windows? Or what about those cluttered shelves? Those things have been put off for a rainy day. And you know what? Rain's in the forecast for today. So, now my greatest challenge is not what to do or where to start, for I appear to have A LOT of choices, but my greatest challenge is how to convince my weekly five year old that washing the windows is fun.

Let's see how I can become creative enough to entertain while still producing good cleaning results. Let the challenge begin - well, as soon as I get showered and feed Rachael and Lexi - oh and then there's the dog, gotta pay attention to the dog... and... the......

=)


*** The proceeding two and a half days after this post I moved 2 bookshelves, 1 queen sized bed (needing Matt's help on the matress), one dresser, a file cabinet, a TV, a nightstand, some 200 books, revamped the shelving by the fireplace, cleaned out the file cabinet (shredding it's unneeded contents), cleaned out the fireplace, baby proofed/organized our new "office" space, organized 4 junk piles, and set up a play room. Oh, plus a greater contribution to laundry an dishes and the regular cleaning. I'd say that was a highly effective use of my home-improvement bug. =)

A Little With A Lot

Read 1 Peter 4 today. I had not initially intended to read 1 Peter 4, I was going for Acts, but my hands opened to 1 Peter 3 which we've been studying in church so I decided to give it a read-through. At it's conclusion I pressed on to 1 Peter 4 and God spoke quite loudly amid the silence of the moment.

Feel free to checkout 1 Peter 4: 1-11 on your own, but I wanted to include here what all He taught me though the passage.

1 Peter 4: 1-11
*NASB translation of God's word
*(my understanding of scripture)

Forward: Paul is writing to Christians.

Therefore, since Christ has suffered in the flesh (hence the cross),
arm yourselves also with the same purpose (that suffering is not uncommon to Christ-followers),
because he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin (think about the power of that statement in light of the cross - and yet he still had no sin, chose no sin),
so as to live the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for the lusts of men, but for the will of God. (So therefore, when we are in Christ we are to follow Christ's example in not living for the lusts of men, but for God. The power of that statement carries such a great weight - a lifestyle worthy of pursuit)
For the time already has past is sufficient for you to have carried out the desire of the Gentiles, having pursued course of sensuality, lusts, drunkenness, carousing, drinking parties and abominable idolatries. (AKA your past has held enough sin for a lifetime and you've had plenty of opportunity in the past for sinning)
In all this, they (mankind, and especially those not in Christ) are surprised that you do not run with them into the same excesses of dissipation (Christ-followers are not - or should not be- indulging in the same sins of the past),
and they malign you; but they will give account to Him who is ready to judge the living and the dead. (Refocusing us on the end-picture that all will stand before God therefore we should seek no personal revenge or spend further time dwelling on the hurts from those who are not in Christ mocking those in Christ. That's just the world and all in the world will stand in judgement and receive a reward for their faithfulness or a retribution for their wrongs.)
For the gospel has for this purpose been preached even to those who are dead (the gospel has been preached to those not in Christ for this very purpose...),
that though they are judged in the flesh as men, they may live in the spirit according to the will of God. (So through Christ all are given the opportunity to refute the flesh, despite being stuck for the time being in he flesh, and pursue God. We are already sinner by merely being in the flesh - who out there has not committed a sin? - yet we are given the chance to live in the spirit and rise above our fleshly lifestyles.)
The end of all things is near; therefore, be of sound judgement and sober spirit for the purpose of prayer. (Never thought of needing to be of sound judgement and sober spirit for the purpose of prayer, but it makes sense that if you spend less time asking God for forgiveness of your own actions then you are able to spend more time praying for others.)
Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. (When you view someone in love, regardless of where they stand in regards to the cross, you see their fallacy and it is easier for your heart to focus on their need for Christ instead of the disgust of sins.)
Be hospitable to one another without complaint. (Oh how many times I have been hospitable to another and later complained in my mind about their ungratefulness, how shallow and how totally missing the point of hospitality. Hospitality is not earned, it is merely a gift without an expectation.)
As each one has received a special gift (fruits of the spirit and talents given us from God),
employ it (your gift) in serving one another as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. (Don't be selfish in holding onto your gift, but use it to serve others - as was it's purpose.)
Whoever speaks, is to do so as one who is speaking the utterances of God; (talk about a harness for the tongue. Could you imagine if we all spoke under such pretenses?)
whoever serves is to do so as one who is serving by the strength which God supplies; (how often I have served by the strength of my own hands only to reach exhaust and no longer be useful in furthering the gospel because I'm so focused on self when tired. )
so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. (What we put into our relationship in Christ speaks volumes about the authority and glory that should be given to Christ and Christ alone. For we are being watched constantly by those looking to make excuses for running from the faith. Oh that we might glorify God and keep it afresh on our minds to glorify God no matter what may come.)
Amen.



- Thank you, Lord, for your teaching this morning. Thank you that you still choose to use this broken vessel to share your Truth. I'm so not worthy, yet still you want me. Thank you, Lord.

Wrestling

God woke me up early again this morning. And I'm talking early- ten til 5am again. It always starts with having to pee (which is quite often the case being prego) but then my mind won't shut off and God has taken the opportunity yet again to remind me of the work He wants me to do. And I find myself stuck somewhere between a Jonah (rebel) and a David (complainer). Wonder how many mornings He's going have to work on me still?

Do you remember Jacob in the Old Testament? He was quite the waverer when it comes to God, but there was his one shining moment in which God renamed his Israel. You remember that night depicted when he wrestled with the Holy Spirit all night and then the Spirit touched his leg where there would forever be a reminder of his wrestling? I've been looking for my scar lately too but I have yet to find it so maybe that means the wrestling is far from over.

It's like there's a place in my mind that knows the fruit in obedience, I've tasted it. Yet this Philistine inside me trembles at the Goliath before me. And the more time passes, the more I convince myself that partial obedience will satisfy. "Maybe I'm just not meant for winning this battle." I settle in my unrighteousness. And that comfort breathes relief for a night or two, but then the morning comes - especially the early morning.


Matt and I had a great conversation about the conflicts of man and God. It's always fun to pick your brain with another and sharpen iron. This time the focus was on the fallacy of the Word. It's incredible to me how many churches can pick and choose what they want in God's character, in other words, saying parts of Scripture are and are not true. It's as if it's a menu, "Yes, I'll take that platter, but hold the onions, forget the red sauce, I'll have the cheese sauce instead and yes, can I substitute the fries with a side salad?" Who do we think we are in telling God what is and what is not in His character? But when you boil down to the roots of it, the primary struggle is not just one of having an improper view of Deity, but that of trying to elevate ourselves to a god status. "I know a loving God wouldn't.." Really? Do you really venture to say you know the mind of God? Are you really that good to know the mind of the creator of all things? Have you really fooled yourself so? For surely if you know the mind of God, then you yourself must be God. And then how can one save themselves from themselves? How come we think we are so big to dictate that we will accept the salvation of the cross and yet were chucking out the wrath part, or the part where it says man is not to sleep with another man, or the part where it says we're to have no other gods before God? How really have we fooled ourselves into believing we are wise enough to choose for ourselves what is and is not good for us from God?

And yet again I find myself at the same stumbling block, stuck somewhere between a Jonah and a David. My rebellion calls out: I don't want to open this can of worms, I just want to stay here and be comfortable... look no real harm is coming to me thus far... this must still be not too bad. Ho easy it is to rationalize where I'm at and still dream for the reward given to those who step out in faith.

"All right, all right," I finally tell God. "You are right. I will do it. I'm scared as all get out and I'm not comfortable and I'm one of your whiny ones, but I'll be an obedient whiny one."

"I remember" friends

I remember my mom telling me one piece of advice around my wedding time and she repeated this same piece of advice around Rachael's birth time: don't pull away from your friends completely and only focus on your family because one day you'll realize you needed your friends.

I have pondered with Miranda what has made our friendship last. What did we do to bypass change with normalcy? When did we both reside in our hearts that even a once every three month conversation was worth more than letting go of our friendship? What made us last as friends during the constant changes?

Even the greatest intentions of friendship and the greatest promises of "standing by each others side" don't necessarily remain through the changes.

I remember promising so many California friends that I would always write and would miss them terribly. Yet as was true to my 3rd grade character, writing wasn't always fun - it took work. And it seemed as if life just went on when we left and so did our lives. Two different worlds spinning simultaneously and yet feeling like they were so out of sync.

Elementary school proved its own friends that would "always be there" until Jr. High hit and the big building seemed to swallow them alive. And then there's the "we can make it, our friendship will last" pep talks we gave to our Jr. High friendships as we crossed the road to the High school. When we reached the other side, I realised I was alone.

The High school signatures with the "we'll always keep in touch" meant nothing to me after watching so many friends disappear. I remember even telling one of my sister's friends who said she would keep in touch, "No, you'll probably keep in touch for a little, primarily though my sister, and then after a few months you'll carry on with your life and me with mine." I remember how offended I made her feel. Yet those words became truth regarding me. She's still an active friend of my sister's though.

College is nothing but change, growing and learning lessons. Seems like each year your friends changed but just a few remained - maybe a small handful. And your identity was so much tied into your friends. Finally you found the people you would always live your life with, share your joys with and grow with. And then graduation. Some made the awkward transition into life and most either returned for grad school or ventured off into the unknown.

And when it's all said and done and you start to settle in the comforts of "your own little world" and your normalcies you begin to wonder... what made these few friendships last? Look at the odds they faced!

Investment. Who wants to invest in something vanishing? Who wants to see their time given to something that fails? How conditioned are we for the win? And part of me is grateful to have spent time getting to know so many people. And part of me wishes I would have just spent my time investing in the few that stayed.

It's odd how graduations, marriages, moving, children, pets, extended family, and so many things break apart otherwise good friendships.

I wonder if friendships fall apart because the friend has been replaced. I think this can be the case in marriage for certain. Some people can only handle so many people being close to them. So when there is the option of friends who are "here and now" verses an old friendship, there will be obvious weeding out. Some people are quite the opposite where they pick their few and no matter what happens they will always be their friends. And yet, how can the two types of friends exist together in one friendship? I guess it just depends on how long the second friend will tolerate their depth of friendship not being returned. Oh how complicated friendships can be. And if I were honest, some days I just don't want to try. Some days I just want to flock to the easy friendships and bail out on the harder ones.

Time is so limited. You don't find time, you MAKE time. But even so you can only make so much time in one day. And with that made time, I truly want to spend that time on friendships that will last.

"Just give it some time," I've been told in wisdom.

But time is so hard to afford sometimes.

Friendship can be so worth it... and so .... not.


- just some rambling and thinking... -

Who Wants to...

I find it easier to explain things in terms of a future conversation I may have with Rachael. So much of our world is a new place to the child that I’ve often thought about how I would explain it all to Rachael. Often times I think we get so caught up in our daily lives that we parents forget that little eyes are trying to learn all about their world from our example. And honestly, when God catches me and reminds me of that I wonder if Rachael could learn much better from someone else.

Pastor Steve preached a sermon today that touched my heart. Mom talked about it a bit at lunch today and I remained silent because so much of me was still processing it. Pastor spoke of suffering for Jesus. Now as soon as the topic arises I realize it comes with a bunch of groaning and moaning from those who have heard so many similar sermons. I too had to stop myself from brushing off the teaching as “not about me” or “not for me” since I am not some heroic missionary burning at the steak or spreading the gospel in Africa. Persecution is something I don’t claim to fully understand in terms of the severity of the persecution in the past and, despite hushed away reality, the persecution of today. Pastor explained that persecution is on a scale from a simple slander thrown at you for choosing righteousness all the way to death for the sake of Christ.

This sermon was not merely for the purpose of informing us that we now have a new addition to our list of complaints in all the times that we have been persecuted, but instead flipped the script. If we are not being persecuted in any way in our lives, where’s the proof for your righteousness? Righteousness in Rachael terms, which really help me to practically understand, can be described as working toward perfection in Christ (sanctification) or just resolving for today that you will choose Jesus when given every opportunity. Oh the flesh is given every opportunity to glorify itself throughout the day, from the small frustrations to the “why does this always happen to us” moments. But righteousness is choosing in each opportunity to glorify Jesus. In your mind, you have stricken yourself only to choose a path glorifying to Christ. Some days are easier than others.

You see, faithfulness is what we should hope to attain. When we stand before Christ someday what will He say? Will it be a powerful, yet merely “through the blood, you may enter” or will He say, “well done, good and faithful servant”? I think I often get overwhelmed by the thought of faithfulness, especially after I screw up yet again. I can feel that I have busted my track record yet again and wiped the slate clean of any accrued faithfulness and I’m back to square one. But I am sure those ‘old faithful’s and even Paul himself felt like utter failures in their lives. I know my motivation is what Christ would say, but Christ’s words are often so contrary to my feeble mind’s understanding that I have no idea if I am being faithful or not. So I find myself wondering what other Christians who really are wanting Jesus would say about my life. Would I be called a faithful follower of Christ? One who’s “on fire” for Jesus? Oh don’t get me wrong, my thoughts of what others would think of me do not consume my pressing on, but sometimes it’s just easier for me to understand success and failure in common sense terms. Ultimately I know that nothing I can do will change how God feels about me. Yet still a prize awaits us, a prize that will be thrown at the feet of Jesus because we still remain unworthy of the Lamb that was slain.

Righteousness includes so much more than just your gut reaction, though your gut reaction can say a lot about where your foundation lies. But righteousness is a daily choice – a daily mindset. Some days I find it easier to firmly plant my feet in righteousness. The environment is so loving and nurturing of my growth. The day just seems to steal my mind away to Christ. And then there seems to be “every other day” when righteousness is a fight. Choosing Christ is contrary to my sin nature. Choosing Christ’s mind is contrary to my selfishness and fleshly wants. Christ will always be contrary to the darkness for Light cannot have darkness in it. Light is the absence of darkness and Light exposes darkness for its ugliness. Yes it’s easier to hide away or “try tomorrow” to be righteous because suffering through persecution (no matter how minimal persecution may be) has a cost and hurts. But there is only gain ahead of us. Who else can say that apart from Christ? No one. There is only gain in all that awaits those who endure this world. For joy comes in the morning. And there will be those who “just barely made it” into heaven through the blood of Christ and then there will be those who God’s word describes in Revelations as the martyrs and those oppressed for the sake of the Gospel. No bragging rights come to those with extra jewels on their crowns to throw at Christ’s feet for all crowns will be cast. But who wants to half live? Who wants to spend their days here on this earth and have nothing to show for their efforts? Who wants to merely waste their time here? Isn’t Jesus worth so much more than that? Isn’t Jesus worth not only our obedience, but our willing and faithful service? Or has the cross become merely a casual conversation of the past? Has the suffering and dying of Jesus Christ for us “while we were yet sinners” become merely a Truth in which we can build our coach-potato lifestyles of comfort and ease?

Please don’t think that I am speaking only to others and not of myself as well.

Is Christ not more than enough?

Is Christ not more than worth it?

Crafty Craze

Have you ever experienced a crafty drive? I know Jes has because some beautiful workings have come from the "need to make something." Well the nesting period only intensifies the want to use my creativity to benefit another. So now where to start.... too bad I'm not all that crafty....

It's this odd crafty vibe that hits during two other times; a time of desire to make a change and a time of desire to have a lasting impact. Talk about not knowing where to start. =)

Oh I don't expect to accomplish all of these, but I do feel pushed to do more than a farkle game can accomplish.

I think it's time to reprioritize. I have found myself caught in the same trap of "wasting time" while I'm waiting instead of using the time well to accomplish a lasting task. I won't pretend that n one else out there has never found themselves in this same position. But still I find the need to re-evaluate my use of time and the affect of that time usage.

And then the 3 drives mentioned ahead make me want to take a long walk with Rachael - only the snow and ice seems to throw a wrench in that category. Maybe I'll find some solace in a mall walk - a thinking walk, a planning walk, a reorganizing walk. But first... a shower.

A Few Pics

Here's a few pics of the fun at Boonshoft Children's Museum that we had last week with Aunt Ellen, Uncle Ron, the cousins, and Lexi.

Grocery shopping play with Bekah

Chasing a can with John.

Watching a dust machine with Lexi and John.

Sitting on an atom-making table.

Driving the recycling truck with Lexi.

Dancing in front of a motion-detection screen with Lexi.

Playing with blocks.

And the last two are a shot with Lexi at our home and an attempt at a family pic to send to my Daddy. Thank you, Jenney, for your help in the photography realm between playing photographer and loaning us your camera yet again. I promise we're looking to get a camera here quite soon. =)

Our lil World

So as most of you have probably already discovered, we have learned as of Tuesday (Feb 2) that we are having another little girl. We are so thrilled. And her name is and will be Abi Grace. Anyone wondering where we got the spelling of Abi, it's in 2Kings 18:2. The only thing we know about that Abi is that she was a daughter of Zechariah. But you know how I like to tweak names a bit to give a child individuality so Abi it is. No, she's not Abigayle. Just Abi. Abi's right on track for a due date of June 23rd (right around Grandpa's [Matt's Dad] b-day). By the way, Abi has come at a shocker to Matt's side who was convinced that Abi was going to follow the typical second and third child are boys trend. but Abi has fallen right in line with my side's endless girls trend. Only my side of the family was also convinced that I was carrying a boy. I love the surprises!

And it's funny, but now that we know more about Abi, she has become more alive in my mind and in our home. The nesting period has already started to kick in. Don't worry, folks, I have control of this. I added sunshines to the nursery curtain ends that I found in the back of the craft drawer and painted to satisfaction. And you better believe that my mind is already on fire with all kinds of fun thoughts about welcoming Abi to our family. I wonder what she will be like, and yet am enjoying the normalcy of our lives prior to her entrance.

Upward basketball is going well. It's fun being an assistant coach to my husband. And it even more fun to watch Matt's child-like side and teacher-side come out through the ministry. We love our little team to death. All 6 of them. =)

I've found much enjoyment in the routines of the day. Funny how dishes aren't so bad sometimes. And there's the perks of visiting with Ellen and "the cousins" at various locations once per week. it's fun to watch Rachael come alive in their presence. Rachael just loves John, her cousin who's 3 weeks older than her. And it's fun to herd them all with Ellen. Today we're heading out to Ellen's. She's acquired two more kiddos today so I'm taking Lexi (the 5 y/o I watch in the afternoons) and Rachael on over for an afternoon of playing with the other 4 kiddos. Look forward to the fun amidst the chaos.

Got some great pointers from a friend about shopping smarter and utilizing the tools out there. Looking forward to revamping the grocery list and how we do grocery shopping to be better with the finances we have been given. Funny how domestically fun it can be. Matt and I stayed up late last night in bed talking all about... groceries. Hehe. Gotta laugh at being an adult sometimes. It was a great planning conversation - and you know how I eat up planning.

But alas, Rachael's waiting sleepily for her bath before morning nap, so I better get going.

Hope all is well with you.

Thanks for reading.

Thinkings

This morning I went in to check on her. She had been calling out "Dada" over the monitor for a while, but was now quite silent. Sure enough she put herself back to sleep. But as I peered over the crib rail I saw her anew. She's gotten so big. She'll always be my baby no matter how many join our family, but she just looks so big. She takes up almost half her crib now. I remember when we could turn her sideways and she would fit in that monstrously HUGE crib. How that crib seemed to swallow her in her first night in the "big bed." And now she's so tall and so big.

I told Matt on our drive home from my birthday dinner, "I wonder what our family will be like a year from now." Crazy to think. And yet so wonderful to think.

We set our ultrasound date for baby2 for February 2nd, in two weeks. So much of baby2 excites me. I wonder who he or she'll be. I am quite happy to wait until 20 weeks before having an ultrasound. (Rachael had her first ultrasound at 16 weeks and things were a bit small and hard to see.) At 20 weeks I wonder how tiny and yet huge this new little one will be. Coming to this point in the pregnancy is like being on the brink of excitement. We're hoping to find out if baby's a boy or a girl, but we already have the names picked out and will be thrilled regardless. The youth have asked me what I think this baby is. I told them I have no idea. It's funny how a toddler seems to occupy so much of your thought to the point that this pregnancy just hums along. On top of it, who wants to set their hopes up for one over the other only to find disappointment? I'd rather just build all my thinking after findng out and rejoicing either way. But how exciting to be on the brink of baby's movement and on the brink of seeing our child's development.

And who says God doesn't do miracles today?

Today's Legacy

"My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me and to accomplish His work. Do you not say, 'There are yet four months, and then comes the harvest?' Behold, I say to you, lift up your eyes and look on the fields, that they are white for harvest. Already he who reaps is receiving wages and is gathering fruit for life eternal; so that he who sows and he who reaps may rejoice together. For in this case the saying is true, 'One sows and another reaps.' I sent you to reap that for which you have not labored; others have labored and you have entered into their labor." (John 4:34-38).

What kind of legacy are you leaving?

You know I read this passage this morning and something clicked. I've heard it recently, nearly a month ago now, and it is still swimming in my mind. Generations of God's people left generations of legacies. And until we make it personal we leave the labor to another and the harvest to another. I want Rachael and our other children, should God bless us, not to speak of Jesus as impersonal or my faith, but be compelled toward Christ from watching my love for Him. "Let them choose for themselves" is a standard hogwash offered by the community, but I want Rachael to choose the only One that satisfies. I'm not going to force her, but I want my life to compel her, that she would desire nothing else.

So often I find myself feeding along the sidelines of God's work. That's so much easier than the hurts of the calloused hands and sore back of the labor and harvest. Oh it's far easier to watch others labor and critique their labor. But I stand beside my lost neighbors in the long line of wallflowers. It's easy to plow a little here and there, but then take a break for the sake of eating and drinking and resting. Then I read the above passage. And I ask myself, where is my energy coming from? Where is my supply? Oh even Christ rested, but not during the laboring and harvesting. He was so in step with the Father that He knew the best time to rest and the best time to be alive in work.

And then in my laboring I desire so much to see the harvest instantly. And I find that my motivation is all wrong. Does the seeing really compel my drive to labor? No wonder Christ said, "ye of little faith."

But instead of his teaching promoting hiding in the back, these realizations compel me to return to the very Discipliner and say, "You're right, please change me again and again that I may be more useful toward Your Kingdom work." Who cares what I look like to the world. I'm sure not gaining much approval on my own anyway. And at some point the bench gets quite crowded. So I find myself again, encouraged this morning to labor hard today, not for any glory I may ever see, but for the sake of laboring for the King who drew me to Himself. And oh that the legacy I leave from today might compel another to the throne.

Thank you for the teaching again today, Jesus. May more days come with this laying down and taking up. I love you.