"I remember" friends

I remember my mom telling me one piece of advice around my wedding time and she repeated this same piece of advice around Rachael's birth time: don't pull away from your friends completely and only focus on your family because one day you'll realize you needed your friends.

I have pondered with Miranda what has made our friendship last. What did we do to bypass change with normalcy? When did we both reside in our hearts that even a once every three month conversation was worth more than letting go of our friendship? What made us last as friends during the constant changes?

Even the greatest intentions of friendship and the greatest promises of "standing by each others side" don't necessarily remain through the changes.

I remember promising so many California friends that I would always write and would miss them terribly. Yet as was true to my 3rd grade character, writing wasn't always fun - it took work. And it seemed as if life just went on when we left and so did our lives. Two different worlds spinning simultaneously and yet feeling like they were so out of sync.

Elementary school proved its own friends that would "always be there" until Jr. High hit and the big building seemed to swallow them alive. And then there's the "we can make it, our friendship will last" pep talks we gave to our Jr. High friendships as we crossed the road to the High school. When we reached the other side, I realised I was alone.

The High school signatures with the "we'll always keep in touch" meant nothing to me after watching so many friends disappear. I remember even telling one of my sister's friends who said she would keep in touch, "No, you'll probably keep in touch for a little, primarily though my sister, and then after a few months you'll carry on with your life and me with mine." I remember how offended I made her feel. Yet those words became truth regarding me. She's still an active friend of my sister's though.

College is nothing but change, growing and learning lessons. Seems like each year your friends changed but just a few remained - maybe a small handful. And your identity was so much tied into your friends. Finally you found the people you would always live your life with, share your joys with and grow with. And then graduation. Some made the awkward transition into life and most either returned for grad school or ventured off into the unknown.

And when it's all said and done and you start to settle in the comforts of "your own little world" and your normalcies you begin to wonder... what made these few friendships last? Look at the odds they faced!

Investment. Who wants to invest in something vanishing? Who wants to see their time given to something that fails? How conditioned are we for the win? And part of me is grateful to have spent time getting to know so many people. And part of me wishes I would have just spent my time investing in the few that stayed.

It's odd how graduations, marriages, moving, children, pets, extended family, and so many things break apart otherwise good friendships.

I wonder if friendships fall apart because the friend has been replaced. I think this can be the case in marriage for certain. Some people can only handle so many people being close to them. So when there is the option of friends who are "here and now" verses an old friendship, there will be obvious weeding out. Some people are quite the opposite where they pick their few and no matter what happens they will always be their friends. And yet, how can the two types of friends exist together in one friendship? I guess it just depends on how long the second friend will tolerate their depth of friendship not being returned. Oh how complicated friendships can be. And if I were honest, some days I just don't want to try. Some days I just want to flock to the easy friendships and bail out on the harder ones.

Time is so limited. You don't find time, you MAKE time. But even so you can only make so much time in one day. And with that made time, I truly want to spend that time on friendships that will last.

"Just give it some time," I've been told in wisdom.

But time is so hard to afford sometimes.

Friendship can be so worth it... and so .... not.


- just some rambling and thinking... -