Dollhouse

There's so much I could write here. There's so much Iw as thinking on the way in to work today. There's an outpouring word vomit of distresses that have plagued my life lately and have slowly chipped away at my sanity until only a piece remains...

But it all boils down to one thing...

I don't like where God has me right now.

Sarah left the church Sunday. And it hurt then. But it hurts now too... a bit worse. See, she was the only real friend I had there. And the only one even remotely close to my age. And it's funny how much it meant to me to see her there. And knowing that I won't see her there anymore hurts. It hurts like knowing I won't see Robin at church hurt... and still does sometimes hurt, even though I never expected her to be at Miamisburg.

And it's funny how one more straw added to the heaping pile is just tearing me down. Some days this load feels unbearable.

I feel like all I do is complain.

Kelly called me yesterday to tell me she was back from Africa and could potentially have Malaria. And I felt like all I did was let out this whirlwind of hurt when she asked me how I was doing.

I'm afraid to talk to people because I don't want to lie about how I feel, but the truth is not too pretty right now.

Alone.

- missing Robin and alone.

Last night I tried to take a "night off" but I've come to realise that I no longer have time that I can take for myself that doesn't leave me feeling guilty for skipping something else.

When did this year become last?

And why can't I choose anymore?

When did this life become a chaos consuming character?

You know it's funny, but I wish I had a smile for Robin. I mean, my best friend deserves a smile. She deserves a Friday night hang-out without tears shed and without "what's left of me" to offer. She deserves a best friend.

- missing Robin.

- alone.