Two Lanes?

"Hi, I'm Monica Stauffer and I have an addiction."

I've never been to an AA meeting, and honestly have never drank (at all), but I'd imagine myself to stand up and admit this to an equivalent "Parenting Addiction" meeting. My addiction? You may wonder - it's being strict.

Now before you pull out the tyrant flag to fly in my front yard, let me take a brief moment to explain: (brief? is anything done briefly on this site? - HA!)


I believe kids need firm boundaries. (I know, I'm broken.) I believe love comes in sacrificing now to gain later from their obedience. I am not willing to use excuses, even good ones, about my kids being too young to discipline. I'm not talking punishment, I'm talking training my children in the way I want them to behave. I am old-school when it comes to being strict. There is an honest part of me that does not want to put myself into the position of being the Mother of a tantruming child who has never heard "no" until the grocery store. But I will be stubborn enough to refuse to reward a tantrum - REGARDLESS of if I would rather no one label me a tyrant. I am seeking obedience, not for the sake of obedience, but as an example of Rachael and Abi's love for me. Even at a young age, I think it's attainable for Rachael to obey - not perfection - but at least be able to tell you why I want her to listen to me. Again, I don't expect perfection, but I do expect obedience and consequence comes from disobedience. My expectations are clear and I try my hardest to be consistent. And I really want people to enjoy being with my kids as much as I do.

Downfall to being strict?

I begin to wonder if pattern obedience can come from any other method. I run the risk of believing strictness is the only way to raise a child - or the only worthy way? (don't judge me - hehe) I don't enjoy being around "out of control" kids because I have worked so hard to teach my children self-control. And this is hard because I am not some superior Mom. I'm really just trying to figure this out. But I am goal-focused in my interactions with my kids. And since my goal is not to be a tyrant and not to cater to chaos or selfishness there is a constant evaluation and re-evaluation of my parenting. Parenting is a balance. Only one of the problems that I am encountering is that being a strict Mom is going out of style in my generation. We seem to have exchanged good parenting with Lysol wipes. Now, I'm not hating on Lysol wipes, just hating on raising kids in a sanitation bubble. It's as if protecting my child from all germs equals good parenting. Daycares and schools can teach my kids respect. Or they are too young to learn how to treat people because "kids will be kids" when it comes to picking on siblings (AKA disrespecting siblings).

I really have moments of struggling, if I'll be honest. Struggling to not take it personally that I look "too strict" at times. And struggling to not get frustrated when my kid's obedience is labeled as "good natured" instead of the hours of hard work I have put into whipping them into shape (not literally, people).

I, like any other Mom, seek to compare my kids - not in a bad way. Are they doing ok? Is my parenting working? Are these kids really "off the chain" and I'm not aware of it? Am I being too strict? Only most examples that I am seeing are those "clear out, they're here" kind of kids that you hope don't hurt your kids at the mall. (hehe). Or those "how old is that kid and still sucking a pacifier" kids at the grocery. Maybe I'm a product of a small church. After all, my kids are 2/3 of the nursery population on a regular basis - and that's spanning 2 nurseries, people.

I just struggle to believe that lose boundaries really can produce "good" kids. Maybe that's because it feels like the "easy road" to parenting and it's hard to justify that the easy road works when I'm over here busting my butt.

It's times like these and questions like these that make me "just want my Mommy." Makes me want to run away from critical parenting world and "be Amish", segregated and doing your own thing with those who think like you (no these aren't my only beliefs about Amish people, just roll with the analogy people- wink, wink).

Parenting is personal. My kids are a reflection of me. And I don't know anyone that pours their whole self into something and then hopes it gets shot down.

I am so blessed to have a husband who supports me - even when I have "too strict" moments. He doesn't call me out in front of the kids, challenging my authority, instead he waits and talks to me about it when the kids aren't in earshot. He allows me to learn and grow and loves me through my insecurities in parenting. I am blessed. I am well aware. We are a team and I do not cast off the utter gratitude I have for the blessing of my husband. Thank You, Jesus, for my Matt. 

I just have real parenting thoughts - wanting to honor God the best in my raising of HIS kids. Not for a pat on the back from enablers (though kind words are reassuring), but for the glory of God. I want God's Name to get the fame for the way my kids treat people. I want God's Name to be desirable by testimony of the way my kids reflect my love through obedience. Christ Himself stated that obedience is a public display of our love for Him. While I am FAR less than Christ to my kids (oh the failures), I do know that the more Rachael and Abi want to please me the more they will obey. And Rachael and Abi will want to please me if they love me and feel my love in a very real way. They will have their fall-out moments of "For serious? Did you just do that?" I do not expect perfection, but I do expect them to want to obey me because they know I reward obedience. My unconditional love for them is not contingent upon their obedience, but my reward (not just tangible) is attached to their obedience.

I am proud of my girls. They are "good girls." They fail the perfection test (show me on person who doesn't!) and their eyes speak of the confidence they have in my unconditional love. AND their obedience is not their "good nature", sure it is their blessed temperament from God mixed with years ("year" in Abi's case) of hard work.  I'm no hero of a Mom (HA!), but I want people to want to be around my kids - even when I'm not there to keep them in line- because they are more than just moral beings, but because they healthily seek to please you through their respect and obedience (as that manifests itself through a 2.5y/o and a 1y/o).



- just thinking and struggling and evaluating my parenting policy while thanking God.