"That must be hard," is the typical response to anything relating to returning to work. Everywhere I turn someone else is attempting to empathize with a feeling that does not exist. I am not anxious about leaving the baby. I am not depressed. I am not falling apart and crying every morning. In fact, the transition was oddly easy.
Because at 5:30 in the morning when the alarm goes off I hit autopilot. A list of things hits me that I have to complete before opening the garage door. A surreal silence echos through the otherwise sleeping household. Get socks, fix hair, brush teeth, grab yogurt, get bag... With two kisses, an "I love you" exchanged and a replacing of a pacifier that is needed from the rustling I find myself opening the garage door. Autopilot soars through the quiet neighborhood. Autopilot gets in line with all the other brake lights. Autopilot half-heartedly sings along to Celine Dion's dominance of the car speakers. Autopilot goes at green and stops at red. Autopilot parks, walks, opens office door, turns on computer. Autopilot does not think about what else could be done, what else could be more productive than the 7-4, milestones that are being missed or time that is vanishing. Autopilot just goes, goes, goes. Autopilot doesn't count the minimal sleep hours because then it would have to own them. Autopilot doesn't think. Autopilot just goes, goes, goes. And it is just hoped that by the time autopilot fails I find myself back with the ones I love.
This is how a wanna-be-stay-at-home mom works a full-time job.
2 comments:
I hope you can soon find some meaning in your daily journey on the way.
Remember, it’s the airplane pilot that dials in the destination; the “auto pilot” simply maintains the course that has already been set. Before you think “there goes Dad trying to fasten wings to every analogy,” consider the power you have (and still maintain) to set or change the course heading. Pilots us “waypoints” that are like intersections in the sky (don’t worry, they are separated by at least 1000 vertical feet) and the waypoints act as places where a new course heading is established to bring them to their destination. The pilot (you) still has control over the autopilot.
I think that we all wish we could fly direct to our dreams. Waypoints are a delay at best, and could even be hazardous is we don’t carry enough emotional fuel to get us all the way to the destination after going so far “out of the way.” But even though we may have to fly our lives around bad weather or mountains (obstacles that we did not create) we can still enjoy the journey if we look out the window in love.
On the other side of the garage door there is also love to be felt and shared. Praying for and blessing the other lives driving the tail lights in front of you may seem empty compared with the love you share with Rachel, but we cannot deny our creator has made multiple people for us to ‘love on.’
Even though your desire to be with your most precious loved ones is not born of pure selfishness, being disappointed, feeling trapped, or traveling through life past the garage doors in a sort numb state until returning home, restricts our love giving to a select few - a group that we select instead of a larger group God may wish to send our way.
I hope when you set your auto pilot waypoints today it frees you to see and experience others along the way and does not trap you, frustrated in a cockpit and resenting the journeying moments. I hope we agree that you don’t love precious family any less just because you love others that your auto pilot may fly you past. But all that said, I do pray your ‘traveling time’ be short. I know very well your fun loving impact is powerful and meaningful at your home. Matt and Rachel’s lives confirm that power exists every day! Yearning for the day is great, but so is living love to others today.
Monica, you are a joy. I love you and you strong love for being with your family. It is not best for you to be away, it is just necessary. Enjoy the journey if you can.
Dad
Well, the good news is, it seems like God is totally giving you what will help you to emotionally cope with this transition until your heart's desire is met. I think that's awesome of Him.
But in other good news, you're making money, your husband can help with the baby and you're still Rachael's mom. No one can be as close to her as you and Matt. And this will be good for Rachael, to get used to a routine that involves Daddy a bit more? :-)
I'm proud of you for going back, for doing this even though you don't want to. You rock sister!
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