A Little Lioness

Halloween was fun. We went over to the Thornells for some good candy pass-out bliss. We sat all bundled up on their front lawn surrounded by carved pumpkins and tea-light candle milk jugs. And the friends were fantastic as usual. Afterall, Jenney and me's like peas and carrots.

Mom (primarily) and I made the costume.

Hello Again...

from the house with a professional crawler who is perfecting furniture walking. We're doing well here. Today I miss the little one and am feeling like 38 work days is forever long away, but am trying my best to convince myself that it will fly like the rest has.

I('m sure absolutely no one reads this blog anymore, but I will be working harder to keep this thing more updated as I come closer and closer to coming home.

I put in my 2 month notice two Fridays ago. It was nice to get that off my back and out in the open. So now I'm left to the task of not losing my mind while I'm still here. It helps to keep the coutdown going. The only danger of countdowns is that you run the risk of not being able to live in the moment, but only in the future, but no fear, I'm totally alreayd there. J/k

This childcare thing has hit a mild bump that could turn into a detour. There's a good chance that my "stable" kiddo may not be needing the services any longer. We'll find out for sure come November 16th. But I am fully and completely trusting that God will provide for all our needs. Maybe not all our wants, but certainly all our needs.

It blows my mind that Rachael is 9.5 months old. Wowzers, that went fast. And "Mama" has never sounded so good before. Gotta love the character that keeps emerging. Yesterday Rachael was laughing hysterically as Matt tickled her on the changing table. Her laugh is adorable. Brings such joy to us.

I'm feeling a bit goobly today. Stomach's off and the chicken noodle's not cutting it. Wish I could have stayed home today. Miss Rachael a lot today. But today's a Monday so it's to be expected. Matt's at seminary all day (starting at 5:15am and all of our schedules are off because we all have to get up earlier than usual in order to get out the door "on time." Today I didn't make it. I was about 25 minutes late to work. One of those days... oh well.

Tonight's date night, so I'm looking forward to that as usual. Matt and I have decided to fill shoe boxes for Operation Christmas Child tonight. Should be a good time. Looking forward to seeing that wonderful man of mine tonight.

Thanks to the 1.5 of you that read this thing... even if it's 2 months later. Thanks for the support.

God bless you and have a great day!

FYI

Peanut started crawling (motivated by the new dog bone - go figure!)

And how handy crawling has become. =)

She's just Her

Personality emerges more and more.

A Planner Planning

We were walking to the grocery store last night and enjoying the conversation about our upcoming California vacation and January plans when he said, "Over the past 2 years we've probably paid off about $17,000 in school debt. That's pretty good since the cars are paid off and we're paying over on the loan payments."

$17,000 - that blows my mind! Props to a fantastic financial planning husband! Especially since we started the debt reduction payments we have not carried a single balance (excluding our payment for the white car for 9 months or so) on a credit card, have shifted loans about to get the best interest rate, payed over for most loan payments, consolidated loans, and still gone on a vacation to Niagra Falls last year, California this year, and Matt's already saving for vacation next year. With the budget we're on - and he's made it flexible to incorporate extraneous spending like going to the theatre tonight with Matt's parents- we should be doing quite well come January.

"We were going to use the tax return to pay off the Ed Financial loan, but it looks like that'll be pretty much gone by then, maybe like $400 left which we'll probably just pay off. So I'll probably just put the tax return into savings for just in case."

Matt's already been setting aside a "nest egg" which we can use as a buffer while the January childcare gets on it's feet. But with one solidified kid for January, Matt basing our entire budgeting for January+ on his current salary (just to make sure we're not banking on an amount that we're guessing to be his raise), October's passing of the church budget will tell us how many more kids I need to add on to the January childcare.

But I tell you what - this January "great escape" is taking flight before our very eyes!

I also just found the equivalent of an $80 double stroller for $25. I brought it home last night and washed all the fabrics and that stroller looks GREAT and is extremely functional! And then I was given some more toddler toys from work and a wooden dollhouse! Let alone being given some toys and a wooden swing set from Jenney. It's just absolutely amazing to watch God orchestrate this all. Absolutely amazing! January is coming alive - right before my eyes. And it's such a blessing to look at Rachael and know that I'm going to be blessed to join in the discovery - much more than I already have.

Thanks be to God!

Summer Fun

We've been having a great summer. Here's a few peaks at this summer's joys through Rachael's eyes. It's nothing fantastic, just a little summer fun.

we've been going for walks a lot

here Rachael helps Daddy play video games.

who needs expensive toys when they have a pacifier clip?

hanging out with the cousins
(they are crazy big too)

Rachael likes John - "he's my size!"

and sweet Bekah.

sitting now

always loving Dakota - who is doing impressively well with Rachael

the new swing (a steal from the thriftstore - not literally)

So that's pretty much been our summer. We've been enjoying church activities like lock-ins and Matt went to Summer camp with the youth (which was hard on Rachael and I but totally worth it to see God work through the youth). We've kept busy, but still kept the balance of the precious things in life. And while work still continues to tax me, the countdown continues until January. Matt has been a blessing to me in the midst of this trial called work. But life presses on and the smiles that await me at home are worth the current sacrifice.

Rachael's getting so big and it blows my mind. She's been growing like one of those weeds in the backyard that we can't get rid of no matter our desires or efforts - only wanted. =)
But when it all wears down at the end of the day, she's still my little cuddlebug.

Finally Gettin' Around...

So I'm finally getting around to posting about Florida. Wowzers - pretty sad that it's taken over 2 months. But bare with me here because it takes a good while to get much of anything done with a very curious baby on your lap who's trying to eat the keyboard.

Florida, Florida, Florida. I'll give you a quick rundown of the trip and then share the rest in pictures.

Trip started off a bit delayed after missing our connecting flight in Atlanta due to weather and airport traffic delays. We ended up spending the night in Atlanta in a stranded-type fashion (eek, Rachael just grabbed a computer capble out of the computer and ut it in her mouth. - one moment.) Okay, so needless to say Jes and I were super ready to see Aunt Yvonne and Uncle Paul when we arrived.

The first day was a bit blurry (I had 2 hours of sleep the night prior) but we enjoyed it. We went to the mall.

Enjoyed the car rides.

Went to Aunt Yvonne and Uncle Paul's fishing park. Rode an airboat (wicked sweet going whipping over lilly pads and such).

Next day we enjoyed seeing Uncle Paul's work and touring about South Beach (CSI Miami) Zone including touching the ocean with our toes.

Going down this really sweet little world away from the Miami show called Espionage Way. Seeing some really awesome huge treees and going to "the best" bakery.

And then we window shopped at a local mall - getting the opportunity to see Aunt Yvonne and Uncle Paul's Bass Pro Shop (so kind of them to share it with us).

Then we went to Dave and Buster's and home to the hottub (oh yeah!).

Next morning we enjoyed home-made movie entertainment. Then we wandered off to the sweetest place of the whole trip - the Everglades National Park. The heat had broken because there was a huge storm on the horizon so all of us enjoyed the break from the sweltering. And did I mention that we got to see uncontained gators (anywhere from 5 to 20 feet away)? Don't worry, we kept a close watch on Rachael.

Gator to the right in picture

Then is was back home for a pizza delivery night filled with movies. And off to the airport the next morning.

Oh yes, dear friends, we had a wonderful time.

Thank you again, Aunt Yvonne and Uncle Paul for your willingly welcoming desert heat oasis.
Love you both!

New With Us

Just wanted to pop in and share what's new in the land of discovery.

Rachael loves playing with Daddy and smiles when tossed in the air.

Rachael's perfecting the skill of holding her bottle.


Trying new things. (The spoon is the grossest.)



Rolling over from stomach to back.

And sleeping through the night in her crib for the first time!

(Self-soothing is a hard skill without a pacifier.)

Yep, that's our little Rachael taking steps of independence.



Yeah, we're all a little amazed.

To the Child.

To the child who’s stranger appears after 6 years of silence and calls himself Dad when the family you have learned to call Mom and Dad and who bought you that new swingset were getting ready to have your last name too: I understand that you can’t seem to verbalize the flood of confusion, hurt, and fear you feel and I promise to knock over the blocks with you and look the other way when you yell at the ball as you kick it repetitively into the wall. I also will never judge you for wetting your pants because your Dad’s face reminds you of a past you couldn’t be saved from in time enough to protect you from the hurts.

To the child who’s Daddy hurts his Mommy and all you can think to repeat during play is “Run, he’s coming!” And as Mommy pretends to understand Daddy’s English while she secretly plans to leave the country with you and return to your big family, I completely understand why you are running out of the room more and shrieking without consoling. I promise to run after you in reminder to you that you matter enough to me to pursue, and to speak back to you in movie quotes and song lyrics because your Autism reverts to that familiarity.

To the child who is sad because “Mommy forgot” again to feed you and you are wearing the same shirt from yesterday. I understand when you need to scream about your belly hurting, even when your screaming looks like cussing at me and trying to kick me. I promise to always have breakfast and to pursue you with that breakfast because I want you to know that it matters to me that your belly needs a “morning snack.” And I also promise to sit with you and read stories to you as you rest on the couch because you “didn’t sleep well.”

And to the other five children in my group and those across the hall that also join my group, I promise to find out what you are looking for and what it is that you are trying to say through your kicking, hitting, screaming, scratching and biting – even when you are doing those things to yourself.



And to the baby girl that I am leaving “at home” to tend to these others…

i miss you.

and thank you for letting me hold you close as I remove my work shoes.

Gold and Lace

Just wanted to share a few pictures from our Easter.

Rachael and Daddy.


Rachael and Mommy.

Easter Dress Posing.

After she was done tasting the flower

she decided that her dress and hand combination was better.

- Hope your Easter was nice.

Pure Remains

Many times grace is only seen in light of "saving from hell" as if grace has no further purpose. It's so easy to see salvation as a one-shot deal. Once and for all. While some beliefs are born of the idea that one can lose their salvation - as if they have that much control over what can or cannot stay in the grasp of God's hand - many see salvation as a mere point in time without a continuum. Paul speaks of salvation as a past, present and future aspect (past - a point of acceptance, present - sanctification, and future - when Christ returns). But this morning God opened my eyes to another blessing of grace. This is grace, an invitation to withstand the Potter's kiln. Grace not only allowed mankind to be saved from hell, but grace also gives mankind a justification to stand on. By justification I don't mean "for only in Christ we are justified". This is true. But I speak further in the word justification such as Paul addresses in James - Grace through works. We cannot earn salvation. This is evident for who of mankind can say that they are perfect. For through perfection- withholding God's word to perfection - Christ made a way for mankind. But after receiving this free gift of salvation, grace offers the chance of standing before God with works that do not burn up in the kiln. In the word, the day of judgement will be split into two judgements so to say. One judgement for those who have not accepted Christ. And then a second judgement for those who have accepted Christ. In that judgement for those who have accepted Christ, Psalms speaks of God's judgement in terms of bringing an offering to a Potter's kiln. In a kiln all the defect is burnt away and the pure remains.

This is grace, an invitation to withstand the Potter's kiln.

Grace, therefore, opens an invitation to all those whom have accepted Christ to build a life of righteousness that will withstand the fire of the Potter's kiln. Works have always been preached as an extension of a Christ-centered heart - that Christ's sacrifice would spurr us on toward works as we desire to tell others more and more of Jesus' love. But even beyond the mere obedience to His call of discipleship, it floors me that God opens this invitation of rewarding our obedience on both earth and again in heaven. What is mere man that God would lavish this grace on us? God's Grace's complexity continues to baffle my mind. For while God commands us to obey Him in discipleship, His grace makes a way for us to even enter His Courts and also enter His Courts with offerings. One can accept Christ in that form of grace and never move beyond merely an acceptance. While others can accept Christ and continue to stand on the foundation of grace to build righteous works that will withstand the kiln. For this is truly freewill. For if you choose not to do works, the foundation is not taken back. It's just that the crown you cast at His feet will be void of a lifestyle of obedience and purpose. If all you do is give your heart to God, He is thrilled at His child coming to Him. But all the more God is delighted in His children who do righteous works for the glory of His Name's sake.

For this is Grace, an invitation to withstand the Potter's kiln.

Divine Economics

We all want to be justified in our choices and our ways.
"He did that because he is thoughtful."
Or "She did that because she is kind."
We want our choices to speak volumes of our goals, dreams and families.
We sincerely hope that when our lives are boiled down to words that somewhere in the mix the good outweighs the bad. We all sincerely hope that someone else will see the intent behind our words and actions. That our purpose would not be hidden in the dark.

These things have gone through my mind constantly over the past week and a half. If you look at my life would words like sacrifice, faithfulness, and determination come from your lips? No, I'm not living to please you or anyone else for that matter. But I just want my purpose to be obvious. My drive to be backed by real meaning.

We're testing out some more budget restraints in an effort to work toward our family goal this coming January. And I'm finding that with a goal readily in mind it's easier to deny small temptations when you already have what you need in your hands. When weighing the costs and benefits, I find it easier to say no to extraneous non-goal driven expenses. But it also makes me ponder my goal/purpose drive beyond finances.

Is my life purpose obvious? Or could my words and actions leave others guessing?
Am I just wasting time and energy in smelling the flowers when the garden needs so much work?

I find it necessary to step back sometimes and say, "Is this working? Is this where I should be? Are my intentions justified?"

But evaluation is nothing but smelling the flowers, unless it's used to help the garden grow.

Caution: Fork Coming

I have come to a point where an opportunity has presented itself as a possibility.
And I find myself stuck between wondering if I have asked too much, or if this is finally the fruit of my reality about how I have felt, or if I am merely being selfish.
I wouldn't be the only one missing it.
I wouldn't be the only one sacrificing.
And I wonder if those two things coupled make my wants too selfish.
Have I acted in impatience or is this opportunity a blessing response to an honesty I did not want to possess?

Father, please guide my steps in reverence of your Sovereign Will's timing.
I don't know anymore.

How It Is

Things around here have been. Work is. Home has always been.

We got a cat. We really inherited him from Mom and Dad.
He fits well. He helps with his purring and loving in the morning.

I miss her. I knew I would and time doesn't change that. And at different times during the day it's like the flood just catches up with me. And I want to hold her more than anything.
And I wonder how God ever gave up His Son. Especially when all I want to do is hold her close.
I just want to hold her - while I still can.

The youth are doing well. They appear to be enjoying their 'prime years'.

The weather's turning nicer. Evening walks are relaxing.

Exercise is endurance building.

And life is happening.

And every moment I get to sit next to my best friend on the couch, with his dog nearby, cat on the back of the couch and our baby in arms feels like I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

We've started a challenge. Philippians by April 2010. 2 verses per week. Me and Matt. And with God's fueling, I really believe we can do it. On my own... not a chance!

And so it goes, and so it goes... and you're the only one who knows.

Coming

... When doubting floods your soul
Though all things feel unjust
You open up your heart
You find a way to trust

That's a little stone that's a little mortar
That's a little seed that's a little water
In the hearts of the sons and the daughters
The kingdom's coming

When fear engulfs your mind
Says you protect your own
You still extend your hand
You open up your home

When sorrow fills your life
When in your grief and pain
You choose again to rise
You choose to bless the name

That's a little stone that's a little mortar
That's a little seed that's a little water
In the hearts of the sons and the daughters
The kingdom's coming

In the mundane tasks of living
In the pouring out and giving
In the waking up and trying
In the laying down and dying

That's a little stone that's a little mortar
That's a little seed that's a little water
In the hearts of the sons and the daughters
The kingdom's coming

"Kingdom Comes" by Sara Groves

-It's all a process. -

Returning to Autopilot

"That must be hard," is the typical response to anything relating to returning to work. Everywhere I turn someone else is attempting to empathize with a feeling that does not exist. I am not anxious about leaving the baby. I am not depressed. I am not falling apart and crying every morning. In fact, the transition was oddly easy.

Because at 5:30 in the morning when the alarm goes off I hit autopilot. A list of things hits me that I have to complete before opening the garage door. A surreal silence echos through the otherwise sleeping household. Get socks, fix hair, brush teeth, grab yogurt, get bag... With two kisses, an "I love you" exchanged and a replacing of a pacifier that is needed from the rustling I find myself opening the garage door. Autopilot soars through the quiet neighborhood. Autopilot gets in line with all the other brake lights. Autopilot half-heartedly sings along to Celine Dion's dominance of the car speakers. Autopilot goes at green and stops at red. Autopilot parks, walks, opens office door, turns on computer. Autopilot does not think about what else could be done, what else could be more productive than the 7-4, milestones that are being missed or time that is vanishing. Autopilot just goes, goes, goes. Autopilot doesn't count the minimal sleep hours because then it would have to own them. Autopilot doesn't think. Autopilot just goes, goes, goes. And it is just hoped that by the time autopilot fails I find myself back with the ones I love.

This is how a wanna-be-stay-at-home mom works a full-time job.

"There she goes...

there she goes again..."

Friday night Rachael decided to sleep for eight hours. I woke up after 7 hours because my body hasn't slept for seven hours straight in about 8 or 9 months now so it's forgotten how to get good sleep in one chunk. I wondered if Rachael's night was a fluke.

Last night, even with the time change, Rachael slept for 8 hours. Too bad I woke up a few times last night and when the alarm went off it felt like my body had been through a blender. So two extra strength Tylenol later and there is much rejoicing in this household.

It's funny, but in Rachael's sleeping patterns she seems to dabble in the next highest amount a bit before settling for a little. She briefly started at 3 hours at a time at night, bounced into 4 hours and then chose to stick with it, then she jumped to 6 for a couple of sporadic nights, then settled on five for a while, then hit 7 twice,and settled on 6 for a while, and now she's hit 8. So even if she goes with her trend of sticking with 7, that's completely doable. (And right in time for Mommy returning to work.)

Now if only we could teach my body not to hate me...


I had another realization last night as the baby smiled a huge animated smile at me, that baby's ours. Blew my mind again.

Thanks be to God!

Will We Be Speechless?

I'm sitting here at the computer serving breakfast to our little one. And it hit me, how many moms' life goal is to be able to provide a typical meal for their little one? Matt and my little one will hopefully never experience the unmet need for food. While our family goal for me to be stay-at-home mom may be met one day in the near future, I can always work if our family hits a hard spot. How many mothers in our world would die for that opportunity to provide for their children?

I was surfing around this morning and reading about a small step that Matt and I have discussed. Tears came to my eyes as my heart broke for the little ones in need. It's sad how typical it is for our culture to arrogantly sweep people under the "third world" rug as if someone else out there will help pick them up. And if we are going to make a difference in their life, we would much rather arrogantly parade into their lives and show them how to use the Internet or how to be a business man as if they are so poor in their own cultures and therefore we should save them from themselves. Yes, the Christian church has made mistakes in the past of being the leading body of "we'll teach you how you should live" influences, but the Christian church has also been the largest and most consistent body of people who have come to successful aid of the poor. No other organization has provided disaster relief, aid to the poor, and sustaining of third world country's resources and lifestyles in the world. And many times the Christian church fully funds their own missions at literal cost to the workers volunteering to go provide aid.

The youth group will soon be embarking on a 30 hour famine. While 30 hours of fasting in acknowledgement of life outside of North America (and sadly even inside in some places) may sound useless to some, it is at least a start in having a more Christ-centered view of the nations. In addition to the self-awareness piece of the 30 hour famine, the youth have been raising money to send to buy food to send to those starving. Oh yes, these efforts can come with much criticism from those still sitting on the sidelines, but the fact remains that doing nothing can only be a profession for so long.

There are a bunch of ways to help provide aid to those who most need it, we must only see the world through Christ's eyes and obey what we have already been commanded to do. Why does it matter what others think or say? Why does it matter what we gain as a result of our works? The call is still the call. And one day, at judgement, we will all give a response for what we did and did not do with what we have been given.

What will you say?

Back in the swing of things...

oh right, back in the swing of things plus a baby.

So these last "two" (one and a half) weeks before I return to work I am attempting to get back in the swing of things. I'm attempting to solidify Rachael's nap schedule and create a more structured nighttime routine to aid in Rachael's unwinding from the day. I've also taken the opportunity and doctor's clearance to jump back into the running game. I can't tell you how nice it is to feel that familiar burn of an hour well spent. I really love the time I get out there to just listen to spurring on songs and be with my Maker as I work at the goal of conquering the flesh. On the topic of flesh conquering, I'm also making so changes to the publicity of my quiet time lifestyle. I really have been slacking off and God deserves so much more than what I was giving. So I came up with a new idea of posting my quiet times so Matt can easily hold me accountable at random. Not only do I want to establish a greater pattern, but I also want to remember what I read. So I'm hoping these minimal efforts will kick myself into a place that I never should have left. I want to be a threat in this game called warfare. I've also put up a chart for Rachael because I want to be more intentional about making disciples... starting with the one we have been given. So we're replacing the nighttime story which help Rachael get comfortable to the sound of my voice to a Bible reading. Hopefully the repetition of my morning quiet time will also aid in sticking the text in my head more. We'll see what happens. What do you do to help keep your quiet times in routine? Who keeps you accountable and how?

Just trying to be more intentional about being where I want to be, when I want to be.

From to From.

I was just thinking of a friend today that has stood the test of time and has been through a lot with me. From soundboard visits when we both didn't want to be there but felt obligated to "I can't stand living on campus" to "we'd rather be roommates than friends," From "you need to clean your room" to "what did the cats get into now" to sleepy days because of good midnight chats. From late night editing to jabber-jaw listening to ice cream awarded "you just barely got that paper in" celebrations. From overwhelmed bamboo gifts to digging out cars with a trashcan to hours of walked pavement. From enjoying us two to open invitation of my other to joking as us three. From packing my things to undercover wedding details to letting me in to get shoes as we were "departing" for our honeymoon. From Greene walks loaded with confessions amid passing strangers to no one else gets it jokes to carmel frapaccinos. From world-travel dreams to awaited passports to prolonged patience. From new job wantings to interviewing hopings to quited job celebrations. From overwhelmed tears to never let go hugs to follow-up calls. From old friends leaving confusions to new friends coming joys to constant friendship remainings. From ice cream run hopefuls to swollen calf complainings to labor day desires. From silked blanket encouraging to blue sleeper enforcing to pink blanket encompassed hugging. From forgetful forgivings to assurance of friendship givings to whatever may come bringings, I thank you.

We love you (Aunt) Robin.

All three of us.

But some of us more than others.

;-)