Mailed Mystery and Awe

As usual, I grabbed the mail on the way into my apartment. I sorted through the mail at the mailboxes in front of my apartment, trying to find anything with my name on it. I got a bit disappointed when nothing but ads read "Monica Elvy". Inside, I headed straight for the "coffee table" and sorted out the mail into 3 piles for my roommates. That's when I found the envelope. "Monica Elvy" read the square sunflower envelope. "Ohh, who's it from?" I looked for a return address, but there was none.

Inside my room, I opened the envelope to find a traveler's check with $100 addressed to me. "What?" I was confused. "Why would anyone send me $100?" Then my mind reverted to the mysterious $400 that had turned up in my mailbox last year with my name on the envelope. I flipped the envelope back over to discover that the address was written in the exact same way that the previous envelope had been written. See, you'd think an address would we written the same, regardless of the sender, but this case is not true. My address, when I give it to people, is not written in the same way as these two envelopes.

I stood there, staring blankly at the envelope. Then I discovered, unlike the last envelope, this one contained a letter inside. The letter contains the following;

Monica

You are an inspiration to me and to many others. Thank you for loving God and people. He loves you, and I know He will use you to do awesome things. Life can be so exciting! It can also be hard, so please use this gift to ease some of that and know you are loved and lifted up.

- heart -

No words came.

- Awe, pure awe. -

Soli Deo Gloria.

Ucky

I feel ucky today.

ucky. ucky...



ucky.


But I can't afford a sick day.
Have to work. Have to school. Have to homework.
Can't stop. Go, go, go.

Want One

I want one.

A Hobbie

[The last box says, "The secret to enjoying your job

is to have a hobbie that's even worse."]

Ahhh... so that's what I'm lacking.

Chaos at it's Finest.

So I would like to begin with a general explanation fo the "situation". Due to the fact that I have taken a plethera of classes at WSU and UT alike, the University College 'kindly' informed me yesterday in a letter that I was being denied financial aid starting next quarter if I did not declare a major.

Today marked the application deadline day for the Social Work department. [AKA, University College, I'M TRYING!]

So last night when I recieved the letter and was struggling to figure out all the details that I seemed to be uninformed about, that officially marked Monica's 1st breakdown of the quarter. [Oddly enough, I really didn't think my first breakdown would come from my major, but then again... breakdowns don't really tend to warn you about their arrival.] Despite being locked off ROX (my access to register for my classes for next quarter) and despite slim chances that I will be able to meet the requirements that will allow me to be accepted to the Social wrok major because of the dwindling number of open seats left in my needed classes, I came to a peaceful conclusion. And thanks to three wonderful friends, I made it through breakdown 1 with impeckable "delight".

I went to University College this morning to ask them, basically, to have patience and inform them of my current efforts toward the Social Work major. There I discovered that the advisor I have been seeing fo rthe past 2 years is not my official advisor [odd that that never came up in our meetings] and that my official advisor was not going to work with me at all. I was then handed a piece of paper and told that my options were either to continue to be in University College without a major and without financial aid or to find another major. My official advisor then told me that Sociology best fit my current stack of classes, so I should change my major to that and then work from there between the Social Work departments and the Sociology department to transfer into the Social Work Major. [Confusing you? AMEN!]

So I signed the paper because without signing the paper I could not schedule for my social work classes for next quarter and I headed to the social work department.

Upon walking into the social work department I #1. turned in my application, #2. put my name on a waiting list to talk to the SW (Social Work) department chair, and #3. noticed that my current SW Professor was on the phone in her office. I decided it would be in my best interest to swing in and ask her if I could speak with her after class. I popped my head in after she hung up the phone.
"Hey!" She welcomed my familiar face.
"Hey. I was wondering if you might have any time after class today to talk with me? I mean, I'm sure you have a lot to do..."
"Of course," She cut me off, "I mean it's crazy around here, but sure, sure...what's it regarding?"
"Um," an unexpected lump arose in my throat, "so, I got a letter from the university that says I can't be a social work major and my financial aid is going to be cut next quarter if I..." I couldn't finish.
"Ok, well, let's see..." She spoke with concern. "I have an apointment at 10:30 [my watch read 10:26] but it should be fairly quick and my next apointment's not til 11 so do you have anything to do or can you hang around for a bit?" She openned a doorway of opportunity.
"Yeah, sure I can just hang here and study."
"Great." Came her response.

So breakdown #2 of the quarter occured in the hallway as I was going to get a drink of water in waiting for Dr. Baker's apointment to conclude. I guess the stress and the events of the morning caught up with me. But thanks to mom, I was able to walk back into the department with, granted, red eyes, but with a restored determination.

Despite the possibility of adding an additional year onto my graduation date, I left the Social Work Office with two people on my side; Dr. Baker, my Professor, and Dr. Brun the chair for the Department of Social Work [AKA, the Big Cheese of the SW department]. And I also left the office with one other thing; a piece of paper signing me into the closed SW 271 class.

There battle is far from over, but I am at peace that God is obviously handling this one.

~ Soli Deo Gloria. ~

A Leap of Faith

Ok, God. So here we go.

Today I turn in my Social Work application and hope to figure out this recent confusion with my credit status and requirement completion.

God, you are in control.

Hold my hand.

Ready or not... Here we go!

No Words. Capture.

There's no real words to describe my

thoughts and feelings today.

But this picture best captures them.

Clash

So I've come to the realization that I completely clash with the college lifestyle. Other than the obvious non-drinking, non-smoking, virgin testimony that distinguishes my character, very basic elements of my life clash with the stereotypical college student.

1. I'm a morning person. And we all know that going to bed at 10:30 and getting up at 6 is highly atypical for the college night-owl who sleeps in til noon.
2. I work. That's right, I actually have to take responsibility for my own lifestyle and 'needs'.
3. I actually enjoy edifying fellowship. Our generation encourages destruction of characters, but oddly enough, I delight in encouraging of each other to reach the fullest potential.
4. Oh yes, and then there's the ever-defining label which encourages much dispute and persecution... I am a Christ-follower! Not only that, but I actually stand behind a lifestyle of purity in all aspects? Not perfect, but trying to live to the standard I am called to. How unheard of!

See, funny thing is I am in constant conflict with the world. In no way should my lifestyle reflect a typical worldly view. So why does it shock you, society? Is it that you have become accustomed to the Christians of today who call on the name of the Lord only in convenience, giving nothing of themselves in devotion, laughing at self-sacrifice? That's right, I may very well be lumped into the category of Christianity, but I am a Christ-follower. I am actively seeking His glory and His fame, not my own. Don't place me on a pedestal, don't worship worship, don't praise praise... NO! Please, just fall down with me in front of the utter power and glory of our Lord. Admit daily that we are nothing without God. Therefore, we can go nowhere, we can do nothing without our God.

Dying world, please see that!

And Christians?

When the praise music stops, when the 'church' walls crumble, when the suffering comes, when the persecution is too much to bear, when the hymnals are lost, when the powerpoint freezes, when the cross necklace breaks, when the material fails... Christ-followers? What then?

"Yet I will rejoice in the LORD!
I will be joyful in God my Savior!

The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
He enables me to go on the heights. "

[Hab. 3:18-19]

Where is your strength?

~ Soli Deo Gloria.

Your Heart and Your Tears

So today I really wanted to go Home again. I'm struggling to find peace with accepting that God has put me here and chosen to keep me here for good reason. It's not even a matter of wanting to go to School Rd down in Cincinnati, I want to go HOME! I woke up this morning so Homesick that I just wanted ot shut off from the world. Everywhere I turned there seemed to be reminder after reminder that this world is not my home. After my psych class I finally just broke down and had a good cry. I was walking out through the trees coming to God with one of those prayers where you don't even have to say anything. You know? It just speaks from your heart and your tears.

Home, I want to go Home.

"Oh that you would rend the Heaven and come down today." (Isaiah 64:1)
The verse ran through my mind.

After some time passed (I really have no idea how long) I pulled myself together and began walking home. I felt a little better after crying in all honesty. At lease I had accomplished a good emotional release. As I was walking, I hit the play button on my CD player and these lyrics flooded my ears,

"Lead me on, lead me on
to the place where the river runs into your keeping.
Yeah, lead me on, lead me on
The awaited deliverance comforts the seeking.
Lead on!"


I love you, Jesus. All I can say is I love you.

My Big Sister

So, I just got off the phone with my sister. You know, no mater how far away we are from each other, she will always be my big sister.

She picked up the phone while she was in the middle fo work. (I still don't know how she gets away with this one.) It was funny how she answered the phone at her work and yet didn't give me a stereotypical "I gotta get off the phone" speach that I have received lately from many people's lifestyles. It was like she couldn't even imagine a single thing better than talking to me.

In the light of feeling scheduled into fake, plastic people's lives lately, there stood my sister, breaking that "trend"; all ears and an opened heart.


Thanks, Jes.

I love you.

"Preach the gospel at all times and when necessary, use words."

- St. Francis of Assisi

Thank You, Jesus.

Unmotivated

Today I'm finding myself a bit unmotivated.

There's a lot on plate to do this week (get my stuff together for my Social Work application, type a 9 page report due Thursday at 2:15pm, Soc 200 exam today, still need to study for the Soc 200 exam at 12:20pm, and countless other things) and yet I am feeling this strange sense of apathy.

What up?

Lord, please come help.

wait

Wait.


Just wait.

Soli Deo Gloria

Today when walking home from my psychology class, I got the opportunity to slow down and experience the "silence" of God breathing through nature. Isn't it phenomenal to watch a bird coasting on the wind? It's wings outstretched, soaring and plummeting in the wind's power. It just stole my attention to watch such a simple act of worship. Kelly's words came to my mind as she shared what the Lord had been teaching her weeks ago, "there's this spider that I was reading about in a magazine. it lives in a bubble under the water..." she went on to explain so many details about this little spider that I honestly fail to retain, but the end remark is impressed upon my mind for eternity, "that spider is glorifying the Lord in doing exactly what it was created for." I watched the bird glide on the wind's strength and a smile came to my face as the phrase came to my mind...

Soli Deo Gloria. [All Glory be to God Alone.]

The trees' colors. None are the same. Each one's leaves rustling in the wind. Each one glorifying the Lord. We most certainly couldn't have created that. They are all proof of our Creator.

Soli Deo Gloria.

That's my Wonderful God. That's my God.

Soli Deo Gloria.



Soli Deo Gloria.

Restless

So it's 3am. Why can't I sleep? Why have I been struggling and tossing and turning since I layed down at 11? What is it that You are wanting to tell me? What is it that You are wanting to say? What should I be listening to? Who do I need to pray for? Who do I need to encourage? What passage do I need to read? Can I have a little direction here? Will You send Your guidance? I need Your thoughts, Lord. I need Your mind. I need Your devotion and Your strength. I need Your patience. I need Your peace.

I need You.

Please come meet with me.



I want You here. Please come.



[Tomorrow's going to be a struggle. Well, at this point... today is going to be a struggle. Please hold my hand, God. I can't walk it alone.]

Doors

So what do you do when the Lord opens a door that has never been opened before? What if He has always told you to go through a certain door, but now you look down the hallway and realize that another has been opened? Do you continue doing what He has always told you? Or has He opened that door for a reason? If He has, then what reason? Maybe it's for the purpose of testing your persistence to follow the path He has set before you. Maybe He is guiding you to a new path in your life.

So which is it?

Refer to His Word. Refer to His guidance set out thousands of years before your name touched the minds of your parents. But what if you find conflicting answers. What then? Go back to the last thing He told you and stick with it until He changes your mind. Ok. That I will do.

God, if you are wanting me to switch courses, You are going to have to bluntly tell me. Please keep my mind, ears and eyes alert for Your direction. I will follow Your lead, Lord, to the ends of the earth. You are my First Love. Please, God. Guide me on the path that will most glorify You. I love You. I trust Your lead.

Scarcity. Wait.

Lord, grant me joy in the midst of scarcity.

You are the one defining 'need'.
You are the one defining 'good'.

Mold me to accept your definition.


I love You.

I trust You.



"I wait for the Lord, my soul awaits, and in His word I put my hope."
-Pslam 130:5

Through my Lacking

Excerpt from a letter:

"It's funny how daily we are given the opportunity to surrender our all and choose the abundant Life of Christ. Some things are easily placed on the alter, while others feel like they are nearly torn from our arms. But, alas, our Isaacs must make their way to the alter no matter how much we feel the act defies the Lord's promise to us. God's plan is best and even when I feel most tempted to rip my Isaac from the alter; His plan is still best for my life. I speak these words partially for your mind's ease, but mainly for my own as I find myself in occasional moments of fear and doubt. Living Biblically was a choice that I made at baptism and yet sometimes it still surprises me when self-sacrifice hurts.

My God is good...

My God is bigger than my fear.

My God has already conquered my fear.

I shall try my best to live according to that Truth and trust in Christ to carry me through my lacking."

I'm nothing without You, Jesus.



make me less,

You More.

Far Greater

"Honor is fidelity to a system of fixed values and relations. Is there anything today, even in the imagination of the Christian, for which we are willing to pay the price of self-sacrifice? Any ideal left, any clear-cut goal, any control of passion? Surely there is somewhere, but it is hard to find... I write in the hope that those who know what honor means will be cheered to see that they are not entirely alone. It may strengthen them to find that, even in recent decades, there are those who recognize something far greater than their own passions, even though for the world at large there seems to be nothing else of any consequence. The majority will sacrifice anything-security, honor, self-respect, the welfare of people they love, obedience to God-to passion. They will even tell themselves that they are obeying God (or at least that He doesn't mind) and congratulate themselves for being so free, so released, so courageous, so honest, and 'up front'. The greater the potential for good, the greater the potential for evil... A good and perfect gift, these natural desires. But so much the more necessary that they be restrained, controlled, corrected, even crucified, that they might be reborn in power and purity for God."

- Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Elliot

God, You speak so boldly and loudly to us.
May I dare to live up to Your standard in my life.
Your standard, Lord, not my own.

I love You, Lord.

Priorities

After a few instances in my psychology class, I found myself reflecting upon priorities as I walked home for lunch today. And I came to these conclusions:


~ When I prioritize giving my best for the Lord, then it will be seen in my discipline of eating and sleeping, so as not to hinder the Spirit by the flesh.
~ When I prioritize prayer, then just maybe I will start praying as much as I promote.
~ When I prioritize service, then I will discover ways to prepare my heart prior to the mission field entrance.
~ When I prioritize obedience, then I will reach out to the Body of Christ pleading for reprimanding and disciplining in all areas in which I fail to uphold the Lord's standard.
~ When I prioritize God, then my life will reflect the growth and change that only the Spirit can accomplish as He prepares my heart for an encounter from the Most Holy of Holies.


I am learning that it is not the final product that defines character, but the time in between the assignment and the due date.


Lord, God, reprioritize my mind. May my life in turn be affected and changed by you. But please, God, start at the source... my mind.



I need You.

The Baby

I came in the door tonight, thankful to have made it inside before collapsing from exhaustion. I can't keep doing this. These 5 hour nights are killing me. Everywhere I turned tasks lay at my feet, waiting to be completed. Priorities are priorities... food.

Rice looked easy enough and yet a break from the usual Mac/cheese or (in all honesty) granola bars that I had been making meals lately. "Just trying to get by," I'd tell myself, "If I can only make it through this quarter..." And I will, Lord permitting.

"Where'd you go?" her loud voice filled the room.
"Church."
"Do you go there every day?" came my roommate's disapproval.
"Pretty much." I brushed her comment off, not feeling quite as motivated for the mission field called 'my apartment'.
Seeing that I was working on a project (I was attempting to fix my turtle's light) and I'd assume a bit disappointed that she had not received my usual spunk, she moved on to speak to my other roommates.
I tuned them out, grateful that they were talking to eachother, but fully understanding that my energy failed to permit multi-tasking. I tuned back in, after completing my project just as one roommate yelled above the other, "I'll have to take you out and get you drunk to celebrate your 21st." The comment was met with much cheering. It then occurred to me that the roommate speaking seemed a bit louder than usual. Then the story emerged of her previous activities earlier this evening, thus explaining her "altered" sense of vocal volume and slightly delayed thinking.

Joy, my thoughts arose, what a wonderful end to this "wonderful" day.

Then the conversation of age arose and someone was quick to announce that I was the "baby" of the group and my other roommate was the "oldest". Being as how I have been referred to as a baby for my entire life, my lack of emotion quickly extinguished the teasing. Then the focus shifted to the oldest who was then referred to as "mom". I just stirred my rice and listened to their ranting/raving.

The conversation concluded and everyone parted their ways. The apartment is now quiet. "Mom" has left to spend some time with a friend. My "louder" roommate is in her room, watching television. And my final roommate who was lacking complete coordination and brain-power due to previous decision this evening, well she has gone to study in the library. In all honesty, I am not sure how well that one shall work out.

Needless to say... this baby is going to bed. I shall arise early tomorrow when I am more fully energized to prepare further for this exam. But as for now, this baby is nothing but cranky, and I am well aware that cranky is not very glorifying to the One worthy of all praise.

As for the roommates, I have four words...





Jesus is worth it.

Space and Fluff

Lord, may I do more than just occupy space until Your coming.
Moving with Your aim, not just wasting time on things that don't even matter in the end.
Teach me to prioritize Your time, cause it's not mine.
Teach me to invest in Your things, cause they're not mine.
And maybe even teach my heart to find Peace in brokenness.
I want to do more than just occupy space and fill time until Your return.





And You're coming soon. You said so. So, the time to Live is now. Guide me in obedience to Your schedule, not mine. Your will, not mine. Your cross, Lord, teach me what it means to take it up daily and not just nod my head with the rest of the crowd in agreement to moving while we sit comfortably. No, Lord, teach me to stand up and move because You call me to be more than idol "faith". Jesus, Your cross was because of my lack of good priorities. Your cross was because of my selfish "only what I want to do" schedules. Your cross was because of my commitment to one-inch relationships. Your cross was because of my wasting of time when You clearly said "go". Your cross was because of my fear of this world more than my fear of the God who destroyed many nations for unfaithfulness. Lord, teach me to fear Your wrath and not just accept this monotone, casual Jesus image of the world. No over-analyzed theory, fancy belt buckles, or even creative campus ministry propaganda can hide my lack of devotion to my God. Lord, only Your words ignite my soul to willing service. Only Your name is worthy of praise, not my weak efforts to make a name for myself. Your focus is the heart. So regardless of how I display myself, if my heart is not fully focused on You, Jesus, then I am lying. Remove the obstacles, Lord. Remove all this fluff, Lord, that keeps my focus on my worldly status and not Your Eternity. I was only designed to serve one Master. Lord, make status mean nothing. Conquer this self-pleasing, self-determining, but self-destroying mind of mine. Only One Master, Lord. Clear out the other "masters". Only One Master.





I love You, Jesus. And even when I feel like I'm the only one, You are indeed worth it.





You are well worth it all.

Shadow-play

- just a few pictures i took the other night. -

The Olive Crop Fails

Please come back, Jesus.

Please.

"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord.
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord.

I will be joyful in God!
I will be joyful in God!
I will be joyful in God, my Savior! "
[Habakkuk 3:17-18]

Girly Music

So it has been brought to my attention that I listen to "girly music." (Thanks, Kel. =P)
So in defense of the fact that I listen to a variety of music not just sung by girlies, but by boys too... (clears throat) here's some "girly music" lyrics.

Many have traveled this road before
I see their tracks in the dirt
But maybe I don’t agree
With where they are leading
And who am I? Just a youth.
But why has that become the excuse?
A monotone voice in my head saying

Dreaming all the time
It’s so foolish
Your flood of empty words
Will drown you in ruin
So we listen
Should we listen?

They shake their heads
As they drive away in the bandwagon
Didn’t feel like hitching a ride
Oh, but I’ll be fine
Some nights it’s hard to be alone ,
I want some kind of kinship .
But the Finish Line, It drives me on
When they say...

Dreaming all the time
It’s so foolish
Your flood of empty words
Will drown you in ruin
So we listen.
Should we listen?
Come with me, They’ll call us Revolutionaries
Come with me, They’ll call us Revolutionaries
Revolutionaries
Revolutionaries!

Dreaming all the time, It’s not foolish
Your flood of Life giving words, They will refresh, they will refresh

Dreaming all the time, It’s not foolish
Your flood of Life giving words, They will refresh
Should we listen, Revolutionaries?
~"Revolutionaries" by Bethany Dillon

Updates are Ready

So I have come to learn something very "useful" about my computer. See, I have always been a Windows advocate (down with Mac!), but at the same time, fellow Window-ians? Take a look at the lower right-hand part of your screen. See that little icon? Like seriously... What's up with that?! Every time you turn the computer on, there appears the friendly little icon encouraging your joy with it's announcement; "Updates are ready for your computer. Click here to install these updates." And then it's really funny when you go for a good while without clicking on the icon and you begin to receive messages from your computer on the "importance of frequent updates". But here's the thing... I think they need to replace the word frequent in their little "importance of frequent updates" shpeal. See, "frequent" should be changed to "obsessive". Cause, for those of you who have yet to discover this, as soon as you update (whatever it is that you are updating to this day still cannot be discovered) instantaneously a new update icon pops up. Like what's is up with that? I want to know what little guy out there is messing with me by sending my computer updates in fragmented pieces. "One little fragment of a complete update for you, one little piece for you..." I know some little guy out there is sitting in his basement, eating krispy-cremes, adjusting his glasses and snorting with laughter at the fact that he has mastered an update technique that will increase insane asylum contestants all the while decreasing computer function. (shakes her fist at the computer) So there!


Yeah... (pats herself on the back) You sure told him!

A Hot Kneecap

Alas, I found myself in the midst of a Sociology class, yet again, when my Professor expelled her troubles.

"My knee hurts." Came her strong Norwegian accent. "Yesterday I have a brisk walk and when I teach, my knee, it swell and hurt. I go home and put it up, you know, and it went away after, you know, a little while. But today, it hurt, that why I sit down today." She explained as she addressed the class from her plastic chair. "Any of you have a knee problem before? You know, like your knee hurt many time, you know, a lot. Like a knee trouble often in the year? What do I do?"

A student suggested putting ice on her knee and then elevating it for a while once she got home.

"Ok, ok. See, it hurt and I feel heat come out of it, you know." She explained as she rubbed her kneecap. And then the conclusion burst from her lips, "So if I die tomorrow then you know why."

We all burst out in laughter, professor included.

From Amidst the Crowd

SOC 200 (sigh) is much like any other freshman course in that it inspires basic fundamental thinking of putting aside selfish high school thought and becoming a more responsible citizen. So, being as how I find myself in that class (don't really want to go into why) in order to get my last Gen Ed requirement, I'm trying to make the best of it.

So yesterday to wrap up our lecture, our Prof brought up slides with inspiring statements like, "One person cannot change the world, but they can be a CATALYST of change." Granted this saying is true, but at the same time... come on!!! This is corny! So then the Prof asked, "how could we do things different in order to be a catalyst of change?"
Oh great! I thought. Now we get to have a corny discussion in which someone will raise their hand and say... a girl interrupted my thought as she raised her hand, "we could be kinder to people and give money to the people who need it." Yeah, say that. Point proven.

Then it hit me like a brick truck, these are babies, they have no idea about life. (Like I have room to talk, by the way) But these Freshman are still going through the invincible stage of stepping off curbs in non-pedestrian crossings in order to prove to their friends that they don't fear getting hit by the speeding Semi. They haven't gotten a chance to think for themselves yet, to realize that there is more to your identity than the latest wacko and impure fashion statement and watching crap TV for 9 hours a day. (So I just realized after writing that sentence that there are non-freshman on our campus that still haven't figured it out either.)

My hand shot up.
"Yes? Did you have something to add?"
"We could make a difference by being an example. Like instead of going with the crowd in disrespect, we could dare to be respectful. You know, like going against your initial reaction to situations which makes you want to fit in. (referencing to Galatians 5:19-21)"
"Right, but we can't always go against the initial response."
I nodded my head realizing that sometimes going against our initial response could be not so good and also realizing that this woman and I did not share the same opinion of Truth.
She continued, "Because sometimes you can be too radical. And then people get uncomfortable. You know, like parents who are too religious... turns their children off to their religion. You know, sometimes it causes their kids to be radical in their beliefs as well, but most of the time it just turns their children off. So you want to go ahead and not be too drastic, you know; don't make people uncomfortable."
It was in that moment that I realized I was hearing a lie that had been whispered into society for a long time.

"Are you referring to what you just said as a general statement or in a specific situation?" A male student called out from amidst the crowd.
"Well, generally." Our Prof responded walking toward the voice.
"Ok, then I disagree with you." He boldly stated.
"Ok..." (a moment of awkward silence) "ok, so class," and she continued to conclude the class.

To the student in the crowd, thank you. Sincerely, thank you.

I am blessed that not all people in society are buying into that lie.



There is hope.

Sociological Mindfulness

I'd like to share with you an excerpt from my first paper that I wrote for my Social Life class. In order to better understand this excerpt there's a few things that you need to know.
#1. Yes, I am a nerd because I want to share an excerpt of my paper on my blog. [Proud of it!]
#2. Schwalbe is the author of the book, "The Sociologically Examined Life" that I was instructed to read chapter 1 of and then summarize/ comment on. Where you are jumping into the paper, I am summarizing some of the text and then moving on to comment on one of the author's quotations.
#3. Sociological Mindfulness is defined by the author as, “the practice of tuning-in to how the social world works”.

Ok, I think that's all you need to know. Enjoy! [If it's possible.]

Schwalbe nears the conclusion of the chapter with commentary on the rarity of the use of sociological mindfulness. He ventures forth various reasons for this rarity; “that sociological mindfulness doesn’t seem like much fun”, there “might be a belief that it [sociological mindfulness] won’t matter”, and “American individualism” is an inhibitor of sociological mindfulness, just to list a few. Schwalbe then concludes, “people resist being sociologically mindful for many reasons, but not because they are naturally selfish, competitive, or cowardly. If such feelings arise and inhibit sociological mindfulness, it is because of how people have grown up” (Schwalbe, 7). This conclusion is far from beneficial. How are we as individuals to ever grow into mature, responsible citizens if we are continually diverting blame for our mistakes onto our pasts? What benefit does this conclusion have? Are we honestly to believe that we are not responsible for our own actions because our past has such control over us that we are incapable of making positive and productive conclusions in this present time? We must find it within ourselves to maturely conclude that everyone in this world has influencing pasts and, therefore, we must decide to no longer use that fact as an excuse for unsound behavior in our present. Once we are able to maturely accept these facts, then we can move beyond our pasts and become the responsible citizens that we desire to have in this world.

Closed Doors

So my roommates are quiet. This is a good quality to have in opposition to being loud partiers, but this also poses challenges. See, when I get home to the apartment, I am never completely sure if I am alone or not. Doors are shut, but it does not mean that roommates are not home.

"Doesn't that drive you crazy?" Kelly questions.

Not yet, at least. Their doors are shut to communication as well. The American mentality of "make it on your own" has plagued this place. But I honestly believe that no human is independent. We may fight for independence, but in all reality, we want someone to be fighting with us. We seek companionship in those that we choose. Companionship is something our hearts call out for. We may be stranded all alone with no companion anywhere, but deep within us is the need to make a Wilson ("Cast Away" reference). So, it's not that my roommates are not finding sources of companionship, it's just that I am not that source right now. In no way does this mean that I do not wish to befriend my roommates. It just means that until their doors are open, I need to be the one knocking. I am learning more and more that it is in action that Christ is seen in a lost world.


Lord, grant me the strength to knock when I grow most weary of trying. Please be seen in my life. Please, Lord. More of You.

Cooking Spray, Soap, and a Telephone

Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.
Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.
Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.

When I go shopping, I am really bad at remembering what exactly I was shopping for.
So instead of wasting paper with a small list, I repeat the items that I would like to get over and over in my head until I won't forget. Thus was the case with today.

Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.
Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.
Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.

I walked into Meijer, hoping that this time I wouldn't get distracted and forget something.
Figuring that I would forget the end of the telephone first because it wasn't in the grocery section, I headed straight to electronics.

Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.
Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.
Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.

Now, I hadn't planned on purchasing a telephone this year, but since my telephone appears to have raptured over the summer (and I've looked EVERYWHERE for this thing), I found myself desiring a contact to the outside world during cellular peak hours. I happily discovered a cordless phone for only $12. What a thrill since I was viewing the prices of the supper-hyped-up robots that they have out now in replace of phones. Who in their right mind would pay nearly $200 for a cordless phone? I made myself a deal, if a cordless wasn't under $15, then I would have to ditch the convenience and attach myself back onto a corded horror. (Can you tell that I'm not too big of a fan of a corded phone?) See, corded phones are really annoying for those who find the need to pace while communicating via a telephone. I really don't know what it is, but as soon as that phone goes to my ear, my feet start moving. It's like a little kid after a banana split, I just can't sit still.

Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.
Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.
Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.

So, after rejoicing in my telephone success, I headed for the grocery side of Meijer. And that's when it happened. Bam! I was broadsided with reality. This evening at our Crosswalk prayer meeting, I was one of the two out of seven girls who would be considered "a leader". Now don't get me wrong, in know way am I claiming that any of the ladies there this evening are not growing and maturing in their faith. But it became strangely evident to me that just as I followed the lead of the "older and wiser" women in Crosswalk, I am now going to be looked to in such a way. I am not trying to put myself upon a pedestal and acclaim to have a model lifestyle or faith. Absolutely not. Christ is the only thing to boast of and the only Perfection to strive to copy. But just as a small child follows an older siblings lead, I feel my role of "small child" has changed. But the revelation did not conclude there. Suddenly I realized that I am now in line for an "older" position and yet there is one thing missing; my own "older and wiser" women. I mean, this past summer I came to the realization that I would now be expected to advance into this category and I came to peace with this, but I didn't realize that I would be one of the few who are left to uphold this category. Like, where's my Andi Hill and my Miranda Snider? Where's my Tamara Steck and my other sisters who are rock solid in their faith? I have Kelly. She is rock solid in her faith, but like tonight, she can't always be there. See, even when someone couldn't make it in the past to a meeting or an event, there was bound to be at least a few rock solid ladies there. There was bound to be at least two faithful servers, encouragers of depth, growth, and vulnerability in Christ. Tonight? There was one. And I didn't even get to talk to her. In fact, I wonder if she often feels similarly when she reflects on her experiences in Crosswalk?

As odd as it was to think about the empty encouragement that the year could very well provide. Even though I wondered what it's going to be like to try to adjust to this new position, there was this strange peace inside. Yes, this year is going to be rough at times, I don't doubt. There will most definitely be trials and times when I just want to go back to being a crazy kid who speaks freely, but irresponsibly, and lives in the today and "right now" of life assuming that discipline and experience is code word for "dead". But there will also be times, and there already has been, in which the routine and the discipline of serving responsibly in word, thought, and action is rewarded by the Lord and the Lord alone. There will be times when I will find complete and utter joy in discipline when no one is watching.

A smile came to my face.

Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.
Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.
Cooking spray, soap and a telephone.

And then I ran into Amanda Skarzynsky. Despite how hard it is to say her last name, she is quite a sweet, easy going spirit in the Lord. And even though she is a baby in Christ (meaning, inevitably, that I may be considered as "older" in her eyes), the familiarity of her face and her smile brought a joyful warmth to my heart. We had a conversation about our summers and the years hoped plans, but the entire time the Lord kept repeating in my head, "it's going to be okay, it's going to be okay." I couldn't help but smile. See, I have always known in my head that the Lord will never put me into a situation that I cannot handle, but it wasn't until that moment that I really felt confidence in this year's upcoming journey.

Needless to say, I remembered everything that I went to Meijer for and managed to leave the store with only the items that were on my list (which is a first). And as I drove the short trip home I thought, "I am never going to be prepared for this, but I'm just going to leap and I know my Lord will carry me."



- thank You Lord. To You be the glory.

Choice

Every day it's a choice. Satisfaction in my completeness in You Father or loneliness. Some days are good choices, some days are bad.
Lord, you are the only one who gives the wisdom and the strength to fully accept being a serving, open, satisfied single in the midst of the whispers and roars of incompletion that this world has to offer. Lord, only you can guide our minds to meditate on Your wonder and Your magnificence.

Lord, only You breathe hope into our days and teach our hearts to rest in satisfaction. Only You complete us in every way imaginable. Lover of our minds, bodies and souls, grant me a good choice day today. Please, Lord. Captivate my mind in meditations of You. Capture me in Your beauty and grace that turning away would seem impossible and ridiculous. Come, Lord, come. Help me choose to walk in Your ways today. Lord, please be glorified more and more through this frail flesh and this inconstant heart. Lead my mind to adopt a lifestyle of consistency. Lord, please, to You be all the glory. My ego most definitely does not need any boost. Please, Lord, teach my mind to find satisfaction in less recognition until I am finally able to become completely nothing and You will be my everything.

Lord, I adore You. Please, Lord... do great wonders today. All for Your glory. God, and I pray to just get to watch and applaud today. I love seeing You work. Thank You for blessing me with a sight that You have developed to be far deeper than any mere eyes can accomplish. Lord, You are phenomenal. You are absolutely overwhelm my heart in Your Beauty.

You are beautiful, Lord.

Absolutely Beautiful.

Go to Darkness

So today I pack up my things from home and head back to school. There is much to pack, much to store away in the basement and much to clean up in order to best leave this place. I am not sure when I will next return to this little house, but I am sure it will be much different when next I come to visit. I am blessed to leave with a smile, knowing that the Lord is holding my family in His perfect hands. I have no fear that the Lord is working in this place and continually drawing my family back to Him, again and again.

Last night I said goodbye to my youth girls. They are such sweet little things and tried their best to convince me that I could not leave and that they would absolutely fall apart without me. I have full confidence that they will do none of the sort, but the memory of their hugs and smiling faces is imprinted on my heart. I will have to remember to reclaim that memory when I most need encouragement.

I have felt a strange feeling that this upcoming school year is going to be like nothing I have ever experienced. Isn't life like that? You never can predict what will happen and the Lord is continually growing you and stretching you in new ways. I just pray for devotion in the midst of storms and a continual place of vulnerability for my Lord to work in. I have much to pray for after meeting all my roommates via telephone, with upcoming Crosswalk leadership (excluding the official title), with bible study work and preparations, with a few hurting friends, growing friends, missionary friends, a lost campus, and a year of mission opportunities lying ahead.



Lord, I thank you for the lessons, the trials, the joys and the pains that this summer has provided and all those that lie ahead. You know what is best for me. I trust Your "good." I thank you for continually making me and molding me into the woman of God that you desire me to be. Thank you for humbling my heart in my most prideful moments. Please, never stop. Thank You for breathing beauty into me and helping me embrace it. May You be seen more and more and may I be seen less and less. You illuminate my soul and I pray to reflect Your brilliance. I adore You. I worship You. I breathe for You. Speak Your truths to my heart and attune my ears to Your voice in the midst of noisy lies. Lord you go with me, precede me, and follow me. I am more than willing. Help me serve You better and move with purpose. May You always be my purpose. Ancient of Days, I am ready. But I can only speak these words in Your strength. Come, let's go to the darkness. They desperately need to feel Your light.

Lord, to You be the glory.
You alone are Great.
You alone are Holy.

In Christ's name I am given Life abundantly. Thank You, Lord.
In Christ's name I lift this prayer to You.

amen.

Simple-Minded

'A simple and orderly life represents a clean and orderly mind. Muddled thinking inevitably results in muddled living. A house that is cluttered is usually lived in by people whose minds are also cluttered, who need to simplify their lives. This begins with simplifying and clarifying their thinking. Mind and life need to be freed from the "disorder of the unnecessary."
" ... Be mentally stripped for action, perfectly self-controlled...," is what Peter (1 Peter 1:13) says we must do.'
- Elisabeth Elliot (from "Discipline: The Glad Surrender")

What a phenomenal challenge for those, like myself, who live in clutter. Lord, God, grant me the discipline to simplify my mind and my life that I may better serve You with the fullness of this living sacrifice.

Teach me the wisdom to apply this knowledge.

Please, Lord.

In Christ's name I pray.

Healer, come heal

So wisdom teeth surgery has left me in a bit more pain than has been expected. My surgeon had to take some of the bone on my lower left side and my lower right side was leaning on a nerve. In english, this means that my pain will long outlive my pain pills. At 4 o'clock this morning, I awoke to my newly-built habit of sleeping for the length of a pain pill (6 hours) then awaking and taking another. I am sad to report that only four pain pills remain. Being as how yesterday I tried to ration out the pills and take them only when I absolutely was about to explode and I spent a good section of the day on the bathroom floor, nauseous from the pain; this is a bad thing. My mom said she's going to call into the surgeon's office today if I'm not feeling drastically better. Afterall, it has been 5 days since my surgery and I have yet to advance to solid foods.

Last night I awoke and thought to myself, "Self, Paul really got beaten and battered for standing upon God's word and Christ's love. And at the end of every day, he could take his wounds to Jesus and fall at His feet. He could offer them up as a living sacrifice for his Savior, as an offering for his Lord. I wish I could do the same thing with these wisdom teeth." So I've decided to make the best of the situation. I am quite frustrated because I feel like I'm being so hindered from serving by this recent ailment. People at work need to hear about Jesus, friends need reminders of Christ's love, my Senior High girls need encouragement and sitting here on my butt at home because I can't drive and I have lovely motion sickness is not helping at all! But then I must think about the times that Jesus healed people in the Bible. And I must think about how long some of them were sick before healing. So while I pray and wait for the Healer to come heal me, I'm going to come up with a way to encourage and support God's people from my house. That's right, I'm bound and determined. No wisdom tooth pains are going to keep me from sharing the love of Christ.

Beaver-Face Update

So I'd prefer not to think of myself as a chipmunk because my face isn't THAT swollen. But I guess thinking of myself as a Beaver will do. Afterall, Beavers have sorta fat faces, but they are cute. Lol. So at least I can be cute and fat. =)

So my body is tired and I'm on pain meds, which is nice cause that means I can't feel the pain ... yet. But my mind is wide awake. On the ride home I was talking to my mom. She was struggling desperately to understand my baby-talk, but she put up a good effort to keep from laughing as much as possible. Whenever she would get really quiet I knew it was my turn to ask, "Did you get that?" Hehe. The answer was always "no."

So I slept for about an hour, but in all honesty, I'm not as put out as I thought I'd be. I have a surprisingly good tolerance for sleep-inducing pain meds. Granted, whenever I feel tired, I lay down, but even with the laying down I don't feel myself falling asleep. I'll try to go to bed early tonight though, regardless. I'm doing my best to keep fluids in me, despite all the fluids having an aftertaste of gauze. hehe. Oh and WAY exciting news... I have complete feeling and taste back in my tongue. YES! I can finally taste my lime sherbert. YES!

My bottom lip though... lol... that's a piece of work. I've mastered the ability to drink water w/o it leaking through my chin though. But I really do feel like a baby when my mom notifies me that there's been something hanging on my lip for 10 minutes. Hehe. I hope to regain feeling soon. I've never been punched in the lip before, but I'd imagine that the aftermath would be similar to this. And in case you are wondering... no I'm not really planning or hoping to get punched in the lip further in life in order to compare the two experiences.

One sad thing happened though... I forgot to ask if I could keep m wisdom teeth. Saddening. I really was curious what exactly they looked like and how big they were. Poo-y. Oh well, maybe next time.... wait.... no. (hehe.)

So despite the nearly passing out event this afternoon when I was home by myself and woke up from my nap to find that the pain medication was beginning to wear off. I took the gauze out and suddenly didn't feel so well with sight of it all. Yeah, I broke into a cold sweat like after I gave blood and I debated on whether I should call my mom to notify her that I thought I was going to pass out. See, when I gave blood the ladies seemed to be a little concerned at the fact that I might pass out, so I figured my mom would want to know. But instead of calling, since my mouth hurt and I wondered if she'd be able to understand me anyway, I just took down some motrin (which apparently I wasn't supposed to.. oops.) and put some ice on my face while laying down. I felt better after a little while. So, despite that incident, I am doing quite well. I am taking my meds cause there's no way that I'm going to try to hinder this healing process by my pride of thinking I can handle the pain. NO WAY! I'll happily label myself a baby if it means I heal better and feel less of the throbbing. =)



Thank you to all you who prayed for me this afternoon. I think only like 3 of you occasionally read my blog, but to the three... and to the others... thank you. I really appreciate you helping to fight that battle in heaven. I am doing quite well and I am positive that it is because #1, God is good and #2, your prayers helped a lot.

And Kel, if you ever read this, thank you for calling me. I was starting to get quite scared and it was good to hear your voice, even if I made you late to work (sorry bout that one).


So with beaver cheeks... I'm signing off for tonight. G'night all.

I'm Not Ready

The time has come and I'm not ready. Though I'm not sure if I'll ever be. It's time to get my wisdom teeth removed. I am to get them out at 10:30. And i'm freaked. Never been to the hosiptal and I most definately don't want them puting me to sleep.


God, please hold my hand.


I need You.

Obedient Steps

Went to the orthopedic surgeon's office yesterday. Drove past emergency care at the Bethesda North hospital. Wow, some scary thoughts went through my mind as I drove by. I thought about all the ambulances I have seen in the past few weeks. All the ambulances I had prayed for became a little more realistic as I drove by their destination. I almost felt like speeding by because I didn't want to be in the way of any more arriving aid. But then again, I also didn't want to hit someone as I drove by either.

I finally found the surgeon's office, it's tucked nicely behind Bethesda North's main hospital building. I wandered on in and smelled that lovely hospital aroma. I hate that smell. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to work at Bethesda and smell that same smell every day. I guess you'd get used to it though.

So the surgeon confirmed exactly what I already knew... the wisdom teeth? They got to go.
I learned all about the general procedure and possible faulty outcomes of the surgery; you know like my lower lip loosing all function because they accidentally mess up the nerve that connects my brain to my lip, or my mouth not healing right and leaving a sensitive nerve exposed which would cause great pain in my lower jaw (mandible).

Then they sent me out into the waiting room and said they'd call me back in to schedule.

I sat in the waiting room trying my best not to freak out and call for my mommy. I thought about Kelly and wished she was with me right then. I thought to myself, "Self, you are so silly for not bringing someone with you! You should have brought mom. Then she could handle all this and tell you that there's nothing to freak out about and she would have just made things better." And then the thought occurred to me, "I want Kelly and mom."

I was broken from my thoughts by the billing/scheduling lady. And before I knew it, I was sent back out of the office with a paper saying, "Your surgery date is Friday August 19th at 10:20AM."

When I got out to the car, I looked down at the piece of paper and nearly started crying.

I don't want to have surgery. I've never even broken an arm. I've never been to the hospital. I don't want to go to the hospital. My head started replaying all the stories of me visiting my mom in the hospital after her various surgeries. I remember how tired she looked, how sick she felt and how I wanted to take her home right then, but we couldn't. I don't want to be put to sleep. And an IV? I remembered mom's bruises and horror stories. No way, I don't want one of those. And what if I don't wake up from the sleeping meds? NO way! I'll just keep my wisdoms. Yeah, I'll just live through the pain. It's not natural for someone to put me into a coma-like state. That's like playing with fire. I don't want to pretend to be dead. What if God decides I should stay that way? Or what if it's for His glory for me to never recover?

I could feel my eyes tearing up and I did the only thing I knew to do, I started the car and drove across the street to my mom's work.

I went inside, walked into the back office and sat on the floor at my mom's feet. She was on the phone, but I most certainly didn't mind just sitting there for a while.

"What's up?" She asked, hinting toward my visit.

I handed her the paper. "Friday at 10:20."

"This Friday?!" She was surprised. "Ok." She looked back down at me. "You want me to go with you, don't you."

I didn't say anything.

"Ok. I'll be there." She got up to notify her boss.

"I saw the IV needle." I mentioned when she came back.

"Hey, Dr. Moreira, can you come here for a second? Have you ever given an IV?" She asked when Dr. Moreira came nearby.
"Yes." Came the Doctor's Spanish accent.

"Does it hurt worse than giving blood?"

"Oh, no. Not at all."

"See, there's nothing to worry about." My mom smiled at me, knowing she had just read my mind.


I returned home, grabbed my blanket and my fox and sat down on the couch in the quiet, dark house. I wished Kelly was there again. Maybe she'd be able to tell me that she would pray for me during the whole thing or at least just sit there with me and say something that would make me smile. I prayed for a little while and God reminded me that I am beautiful. I smiled. And I sat.

I'm still scared. Not scared because I don't think that God is in control, but nervous, once again, to be gently pushed out of my comfort zone. I know that God can do many works during vulnerability. But I also know that vulnerability hurts.

So I am open. Scared, but open. And I think that just maybe in this act of faith, I am learning a very good lesson in obedience. I may be scared, but it doesn't mean I should stop moving forward.



I trust You, Lord. I love You.

Heavenly Rain

Oh what a glorious day!
How You bless me.
You ... I just can't find the words...


Lord, I long for you to come sit with me. Wrap Your arms around me. I wish I could feel Your sweet kisses on my forehead. Your warm, comforting embrace.

But Your physical return has not occurred yet, though I wish You would come.

So, instead, I will grab my blanky and my fox... put on a nice pair of warm socks and comfy clothes... and sink into the comforts of the livingroom couch. There I can imagine the warmth of Your arms around me as I wrap myself in my blanket. And there I can imagine your gentle kisses as I watch the heavenly rain sooth the thirsting earth. And there I can meditate on Your blessings that embrace me during my life. Lord, I wish I could just sit there until You return. But I know, that this hour will conclude and soon, my Lord, You will call me back out to Your broken people. There is much work to be done, many lives to be saved. Yes, Lord, I feel Your calling. But I also feel Your sweet words...

"Rest, my child... for now, rest..."






There are no words to describe what I desire to say to You in this moment.

Thank You for understanding.






I love you, Lord.

Odd or Fanatical Life-Style

'Any "soldier", any candidate for Christian discipline, ought daily to report to his commanding officer for duty. At your service, Lord. What the soldier does for the officer is not in the category of a favor. The officer may ask anything. He disposes of the soldier as he chooses. The very thought strikes honor to the modern mind. "Nobody's going to tell me what to do. Nobody has the right to dispose of me."

This pattern of thinking has its powerful effect on Christians as well, so that we have come to imagine that discipleship is somehow an "extra." We suppose that we can be Christians, going to church, saying our prayers, singing those sweet songs about loving and feeling and sharing and praising, without taking our share of hardship. Those who wish to make a special bid for sainthood, we tell ourselves, might try discipline ("it has its place") as though it were an odd or fanatical life-style, not the thing for most of us.

It is as though we might be Christians without being disciples.

"Yes, I want to be a Christian, but no, I don't want to be Your disciple, Lord. Not yet, anyway. It's a bit much to expect."

"Yes, I'll be a disciple, but no, I certainly don't want to leave self behind."

"I'll leave self behind if You say so, Lord, but don't ask me to take up any crosses. I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable with that."

"Follow You, Lord? Well, yes, sure-but let me have a little input, won't You, about where we're going?"

Nothing could be further from the spirit of the Gospel. The very reason Christ died "... was that men, while still in life, should cease to live for themselves, and should live for him who for their sake died and was raised to life."

To be a Christian in New Testament terms is to be a disciple. There are no two ways about it. We have a Savior who has forgiven and saved us from the penalty of sin. Most of us would happily settle for that. But He died to save us also from our sins, many of which we love and hate to part with. Christ could not have done this if He were not Lord over all the powers of evil. Jesus Christ is Savior because He is Lord. He is Lord because He is Savior. I cannot be saved from my sins unless I am also saved from myself, so Christ must be "commanding officer" in my life.'

- phenomenal excerpt from "Discipline:
The Glad Surrender" by Elisabeth Elliot

Overcome

I can see that my hands are trembling, 
I can see that my legs are weak,
I can see that my head is spinning, 
But I will overcome.


And I know that my heart is hurting, 
And I know that my soul it aches,
And I know that it seems I'm failing, 
But I will overcome, 
I will overcome.



Oh Lord I am Strong in You, 
Oh Lord I am Wise in You,
Oh Lord I can see in You, 
So I will Overcome.

Oh Lord I am Loved by You, 
Oh Lord I am Free in You,
Oh Lord I'm complete in You,
So I will overcome. 
I will overcome. 
I will overcome! Yeah!





- I love You, Lord. Thank You.

Blue/Gray Thinning Carpets

So today I went doorhanging (putting adds/coupons on people's homes) in order to advertise for W.g. Grinders. Vince (the general manager) and I went. As much as it was uncomfortable to be out and about with him, I am blessed to have gotten a chance to be my independent self as well. We split up for a bit to better cover an area.

At first we went to a housing development. I felt bad walking across people's lawns. I felt like I was infringing upon their space. I was unwelcome. Uninvited. But as the heat ate into my body and slowly dehydrated my mind, I began to feel less concerned about stepping on people's brown, dead grass.

After an hour and a half of doorhanging out in the heat, Vince and I met back at the car and decided that we should look for apartment housing so that the walking distance would be drastically less.

I knew of a few, but wasn't too familiar with apartments. Not in this area that's for sure.

In the first apartment building that I entered, I smelled a smell that I haven't smelled in a long while. It's funny how all apartments seem to smell the same. I guess it's the same stale, over-airconditioned, slightly smoke-induced, off-brand cleaner fuemed air.

Immediately I was blasted back to Sharon Park Lane. I remebered walking up the concrete flight of stairs up to Megan Apple's apartment. My eleven year-old hand, running up the sticky banner. That same stale smell. Those same crusty walls. The same scratched doorknockers. And that tiny, smudged peephole that every avid apartment liver uses to help them distinguish the pizza guy from the last criminal who escaped jail. Odd though how we can easily decided, "friend or foe" by looking at the 3 cemtinmeter image through the peephole. None-the-less, the memories of finding Megan stuck once again watching her 2 wild nephews and her developmentally challenged 4 year old brother came to mind. The memories of small children without diapers running about a dark, dirty apartment flooded my thoughts. I smiled. It's funny how I thought it was so cool to live in an apartment and yet at the same time, I couldn't wait to leave.

I hung my fliers and went back outside.

We moved on to the next apartment development. It was a huge apartment zone. From the extreior it appeared to be more "upper class" than the apartments that I am used to. But much like all other things, the outside is never a true reflection of the inside. Vince and I split up, being as how there were so many, and I tackled a cluster of buildings and Vince took another cluster across the street.

Despite building upon the previous memories, these apartments brought a few new memories to mind. All of a sudden I was walking into the side door of a familiar place.

I stepped onto the same blue/gray thinning carpets. The off-colored walls attempted to hide years of dirt and grease. And yet I was disappointed when the first apartment on the left did not read "Q". That's right, I was thinking of the first time I used the front door of Kelly's apartment. I remember thinking, "Woah! She really does live in an apartment." Because to me, it had always been a house that we just entered from the back patio.

It's odd how the word "house" never refers to the buildig with four walls that everyone else seems to be referring to. "House" to me means well.... wherever I'm living. House in California was a one-story duplex where we shared a wall with neighbors who had 2 pitbulls and a really cool little boy named Cody that I used to play with. House when we first moved here referred to our one-story well... house that we were renting from some man that I never met before. The house was changed to a two-story townhouse where Jes (my sister) and I shared a room. Then it became a two-story townhouse where Jes and I did not share a room and mom and dad got a room. Then it became a place off of ZigZag Road where my dad's friend's parents had lived, but wanted to have us watch while they were out of town for a year. That house, I remember, seemed to bring much relief to my mother. She would always say, "Oh, it's so good to be in a house." And the main thing that I remember about the place? It had a basement (like the COOLEST thing EVER!) and the trees would always drop a million leaves that my dad would have to rake up. And then house was defined as 8042 School Rd, which is America's stereotypical definition of a house. It is owned by my parents. It is my mom's little cottage of gardening joys and my dad's foundation of accomplishment. It represents change, ownership, and years and years of hard work to bring a small family of four into a new world of oportunity. And then... "house" became a dorm room. And then an apartment (an advanced dormroom, since we're still attached to campus and FIN AID pays the rent). I have lived in many houses and I am sure I will live in many more.

I came to one door. Immediately connected with it because outside of the house there lay three bikes, random "outside toy" pieces, a pair of dirty flip-flops, some broken pieces of who-knows-what, and various other things that had been taken outside and forgotten about. i remmeber mom yelling at me to "pick up your things" and "don't take that outside" and "you must bring everything back in, someone could take it". But this door had something that ours did not. In the middle there was an Air Force sticker. As I hung our coupons, I heard a mom talking to her son inside. She spoke over the world's greatest babysitter, the TV, and various other children's voices were heard in the distance. I can't really recall what words she said because her tone spoke her broken only-parent exhaustion louder than her words.

Driving home from work, I din't listen to the radio, which is odd for me. Instead, I wondered, what other places will I call "house". Where will I go? Will it be a grass hutt? Will it be a Queens apartment, or a Colorado cottage? And then as if someone whispered it in my ear, it suddenly occurred to me; all of the houses that I saw today could have been classified into two categories; grateful and ungrateful. Now these are superficial categories that in no way describe the people within the households. But please stick with me on this tanget. Those houses and apartments that appeared grateful were neat, orderly, and well-kept. Whereas those that did not appear grateful were ascew, dirty, and chaotic. Now I could not find a place for the Air Force household and a few others that carried similar qualities. They appeared to desire order, but just be fighting a loosing battle against large quantities of demanding tasks.

But this thought evolved into something a bit more personal than mere observations.

I thought: The Lord has blessed me with everything that I have. So i should take care of it. I can grumble about how I don't have what others have, or how I can't afford to be where I'd like to be. But the fact still remains the same. The Lord gave me everything that I have from the earrings in my ears to the computer on the make-shift desk. Since everything happens for a reason, wasting His blessings should not be a task high on my to-do list.

I slowed down the car and became more mindful of my lead foot. The ord has given me this car, I should take care of it. I thought about the boxes in the basement. I thought about my chest of drawers that was handed down from a friend. I thought about my bunkbeds that I still have from third childhood. Those bunkbeds that I've de-bunked and rearranged in order to create a more "colege friendly" single bed. I laughed. It's still my "ever so awesome" childhood bunkbeds. But that's okay. God has given me that. It is His way of blessing me. And I take pride in that bed.

And I came to the conclusion as I pulled into the cracked driveway of 8042 School Rd,

Who I am is less me and more You, my God, every day.

Everything that I have, God, You have given me.

Everything is here for a reason and is Your blessing.

Thank You, God.


I will take better care of what You give me.





I love You.

After the Ice Cream Falls.

So I was reading an old high school friend's away message. She was talking about the pursuit of happiness and it said, "Every once in a while yu have to pause from your pursuit of happiness and just be happy."

So that got me to thinking...
(I know.... we're all in trouble when I start thinking.)

Are we pursuing happiness, or living it?

Cause to me personally, pursuing happiness means that I have yet to find and acheive happiness. And to me, that statement is sad. If happiness were not temporary, I would perfer not to be pursuing happiness, but instead to be living happiness. And since bad days happen too, living happiness is inacheivable for an extended period of time. So, looking at things realistically, I would prefer to be living joy.

See, happiness is a fleeting feeling. It's like the feeling you get when you get your favorite ice cream cone (ooooohhh.... ice cream!!!). But if you trip and the ice cream falls, then the happiness is soon tunred to sadness. Joy is looking at the situation realistically and after the ice cream falls, leaving the situation with a smile. Now don't confuse joy with optimism. Optimism is thinking, "Well, at least you got 3 licks of my ice cream before it fell" or "Oh well, there will be other times for more ice cream." But even after a statement of optimism, despite the sound of contentment in your voice, you may not actually be satisfied with the situation. And let's face it, our words can never bring us permanent satisfaction. Only God can satisfy our hearts. So joy, in this example, would be, "You know what, that stinks that my ice cream fell. I really liked that ice cream. But, I'm not going to let it affect the rest of my day. I have still been given this day as an oportunity to praise the Lord, so ice cream of no ice cream... my praise will be continual." Cheesy? You bet.. but come on... the example was cheesy in the first place.. I had very little to work with.... (excuses, excuses) the point is not how silly my example was, but how joy is a continual look at the big picture... a continual look to God, despite worldly situations.

Joy can be and is defined as happiness in all situations. The fuel for joy in my mind is meditating on God's character and my salvation through Christ. Because, then in midst of trials and tribulations, I am continually reminding myself that God has the trump card, I am forever pledged as His child in Christ, and that God deserves all of my praise at all times. That can bring a smile to my face in the middle of the rain.

So I have a question for you...

Are you pursuing happiness,
relying on optimism to fuel you,

or are you living joy after the ice cream falls?

Hated, but Enduring

"You will be hated by all because of My name, but it is the one who has endured to the end who will be saved." - Jesus (Matthew 10:22)

Enough said for today.