57 Dollars of Silence

There is danger in believing that we deserve something. There is danger in elevating ourselves and puffing ourselves up to "deserve better than this" or "deserve" an ice cream or a long walk on the beach. We can begin to set ourselves up for not only a superiority complex with others who are "depriving us" of the things we "deserve", but we can also begin to look upon our current situation as the enemy. If I deserve an ice cream, then not getting an ice cream or worse yet, being deprived of an ice cream is absolutely unacceptable. Can you imagine the level of selfishness that could come out of an "I deserve" lifestyle?

Sometimes I slip dangerously close to justifying "I deserves" in my mind. I'm sure I'm not the only one out there. I think that's one of the reasons God makes it so clear that we must serve Him with our minds as well as our hearts, bodies and souls. Our mind is an outpouring of our heart. You harness in what your heart believes and shut out the untruth that pops into your mind when it is in conflict with your heart... the very heart Christ redeemed.

Breaks can be that way, as a mother. They can be highly appreciated when happened upon, or I can choose to live my life in discontentment of "never getting a break" from my fill in the blank (kids, laundry, dishes, cleaning up cat puke, you name it). I can look at a break with gratitude as it arises and as I am able to incorporate it into my schedule or I can live a lifestyle of exhaustion and loathing getting the "short end of the deal" by being "on-call" 24/7.

It's all an exercise of the mind. What truth and untruth am I clinging to?



I found a quiet moment out tonight, pumping $56 dollars of lifesavings into our van.  ;) The cold, quiet breeze refreshing my soul. The dark, wearing down minutes of eight thirty dancing headlights and neon fast food restaurants across the horizon. Winter dark freezing time, stilling time. The pulsing click of the pump as the numbers turned and turned before the receipt was printed. Still. Quiet. Breathing deep.

The wait I didn't mind. No where to be. No demands. Liberty. The teenager asked for my order as I pulled a ten from my wallet. The last of my allowance money for the month felt so freeing in my hand. One dollar ice cream cone of cheap and liberating delight. Sunday driving on the way home, soaking up the wind rustling the van windows and watching the neighborhood settle in for the night.

I don't deserve this. I didn't earn this. It has been given me. The enjoyment of life. The fast and the slow. The loud making an appreciation and a soaking in of the quiet. The quiet refreshing for the loud.

Thank you, Lord, for the break. Unplanned escape.
The 57 dollars of silence.