Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiicola!!!

Today at work I had:
1. sniffley nose
2. sore throat

...

=/ I don't want to get sick. =/

Hope I can sleep this one off...

Burnt Out

yeah... me too.

Empty Hands

empty hands held high
such small sacrifice
if not joined with my life
I sing in vain tonight

may the words i say
and the things i do
make my lifesong sing
bring a smile to You

let my lifesong sing to You
let my lifesong sing to You
i want to sign Your name to the end of this day
knowing that my heart was true
let my lifesong sing to You


Lord i give my life
a living sacrifice
to reach a world in need
to be Your hands and feet

so may the words i say
and the things i do
make my lifesong sing
bring a smile to You

let my lifesong sing to You
let my lifesong sing to You
i want to sign Your name to the end of this day
knowing that my heart was true
let my lifesong sing to You

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
let my lifesong sing to You

- only You can make these more than words.

i love You.

teach me to serve You better.

i need Your hand in mine.

in Christ, I pray.

- amen.

Again... Rejoice!

Oh yeah!!! I can't wait! It's gonna be a GREAT concert!

I can feel it in my bones... (hehe)

"Rejoice in the Lord always; I say again, REJOICE!"
- Phil. 4:4

A Repeat

yep. I agree...

My Only Worth

"Wonderful Savior

my heart belongs to Thee

i will remember always the blood You shed for me

Wonderful Savior

my heart will know Your worth

so i will embrace You always as i walk this earth

be blessed, be loved, be lifted high

be treasured here

be glorified

i owe my life to You my Lord

here i am....

Beautiful Jesus

how may i bless Your heart?

knees to the earth i bow down to everything You are

Beautiful Jesus

You are my only worth!

so let me embrace You always as i walk this earth

be blessed, be loved, be lifted high
be treasured here
be glorified
i owe my life to You my Lord
here i am....

here i am...

here i am...

knees to the earth, here i am..."

Luke 9:23

Matthew 10:38

Luke 14:27

teach me, Savior.

please, teach me.

i am Yours

only because You have called me Yours.

A Cup of Popcorn and the Kids

I had the opportunity to go to The Fantastic Four with Matt Stauffer and "the kids", Sarah and James Stauffer. (Sarah and James are Matt's little sister and brother and are commonly referred to as "the kids".) At the theatre, Matt nominated himself as "popcorn/etc go-getter" and I happily remained with Sarah and James in eager anticipation of the soon-arriving popcorn. On trip #1 to the concession stands, James went with Matt while Sarah and I had a little heart-to-heart.
"So, what's it like having so many brothers?" I struggled to start a conversation with the 12 year old.
"I don't know. It's ok, I guess." Came back the stereotypical reflection of societal influence on the pre-teen's apathetic mind. [ooo, don't I sound like a sociology major... Oh wait... I am... for now.] "It can be annoying sometimes." - And that part of the conversation was done. -
"So, do you have any pets?"
And thus began the long history of pets that had died while in the Stauffer household. Slightly morbid, yes, but I was grateful that Sarah was choosing to disclose any information to me. In fact, I was even told of an animal accident in which only family members were supposed to know. So I considered it a compliment that apparently something within my character was acknowledged by this 12 year old as "trustworthy".

The reviews began and Matt and James returned with goodies. Some ways into the movie there became a popcorn shortage, sending Matt back to the concession stand for "concession Stand Trip #2". [Officially labeled by yours truly. ;) ] Taking advantage of the empty seat between us, James leaned over to me.
"Are you liking the movie?" He yell-whispered.
"Oh yes."
"Shhhhhh," a father reprimanded from a row back.
There was silence.
Then came a voice.
"Are you liking the movie?" James belted out again. Apparently he had not heard my response before.
I leaned closer to him and spoke with joy, "Yes, James, I am!"
Another Shhhh.
James sat back down, satisfied with my contentment.
I didn't mind the shhhing. That man could shhh all he wanted. James was trying his best to be a good host. And at the wee age of 6? I was thoroughly impressed.
Then came the comment as the child's eyes remained glued to the movie screen, "You and Matt must be good friends, huh?"
"Yep! ... We are." I smiled.
"Yeah, good, good friends." He ended as he went back to his silent movie-trans.
Matt returned with popcorn reinforcements.
"Close your eyes," Matt told James when a less "kid-friendly" section of the movie popped up. (I was glad Matt had already seen the movie so he could monitor what images were impressed into his sibling's minds.)

It was fun seeing a movie with Matt and "the kids". Yes, the movie itself was entertaining, but I found my real entertainment from watching Matt and "the kids". James attempted to be a good host. Sarah pointed out every child she knew in the theatre and generally tried her best to distance herself for the label of "child". Matt tried his best (and he did an excellent job indeed) at "calming" James and Sarah back to their normal selves when they felt the need to show off for "the guest".

At the end of the movie, James asked me as we were leaving, "Are you glad we took you?"
"Oh yes, James. I am!"
He hopped off with a smile.

We got into the parking lot and James began utilizing the energy that he had been storing all throughout the movie by poking Matt and backing away before Matt could reach him.
"Alright, James... that's it." Matt turned around, grabbed the child and threw him over his shoulder. James laughed, expressing his delight in hanging upside down. Matt pretended to throw James into cars and run him into stuff. James, at the mercy of Matt, squealed and laughed with absolute trust in his brother's care. Sarah leaned closer to me as we walked, "Boys..." She spoke with a teenager attitude. I giggled.

They're fun!

Over a Candle

Woke up from a nightmare this morning. It went like this;

I was the middle child of three kids. I had a little sister named, I think, Katie and an older brother named, I think, Caleb. Katie was five (or around that age), and Caleb was like nine or something.

Katie and I were playing outside on our property. We lived in the country so we had a lot of land to play on. As we were playing an image appeared to us. "Come," spoke the spirit who whenever she spoke to us, she spoke with her face over a candle with a long flame. She kept fading in and out quickly so I couldn't really define her complete shape. It's kind of like those really old movies where the people are standing still, but because of the recording technology it appears as though they're inconsistently moving. She kept fading in and out quickly and reappearing slightly to the left or to the right of her prior placement. She looked quite lovely and attracted Katie's eyes and mind immediately. Katie dropped what she was doing and kept telling me that she wanted to follow "the lady". "I don't think that’s a good idea Katie." I spoke with the amount of wisdom that I contain today at age 20. [It was the mere fact that she spoke slowly with her face near the flame of the candle and did not even flinch that fueled my discernment.] "No, I really think that..." Katie appeared in a near tranz, following the spirit with partial curiosity and willingness and yet the spirit appeared to be dragging her in. I followed Katie, partially curious myself, but also hoping to change Katie's mind and leave the, who had now become, creepy spirit. Caleb, at this point, was playing nearby and yet far enough away that he saw what was happening, but remained behind to do whatever it was that he was doing.

We came to a darker area of the property where it almost instantaneously became dusk. There were large dark, rough wooden remnants of barn/shed-like building frames around and the spirit seemed to be weaving in and out of them, strengthening Katie's curiosity and drive to follow, all the while strengthening my own discernment and desire to break Katie from her tranz. I kept telling Katie that I didn't want to follow anymore and that is was a bad idea. "But she's so beautiful. She's so lovely. I want to see her," Katie continued her pursuit. The spirit then spoke in a riddle, alluding where she next desired Katie to go and then appeared much farther down a path that led up toward an old house-like building on our property. "School!" Katie yelled out discovering the answer to the riddle and immediately ran off toward the spirit. "Wait, Katie! Wait!" I struggled to catch up to her. I found her out by the barn looking through an array of old school desks. I immediately knew what she was doing; she was looking for a desk that she could bring with her. I too looked for a desk because at this point I knew the spirit was bad, but I did not want Katie to go by herself and who knows what could have happened to her. If I were there, at least I might have a chance of breaking her out of the situation. In fact, that was what I was relying on.

Katie found her pick of desk and ran off. I found a desk that was not too heavy and appeared to be the best choice for me and grabbed it from the long, overgrown grass. I ran to the building that Katie had now begun to enter. When I got in, the room was lit by the sunlight coming through the windows. I spotted Katie, but the scene began to unfold as I placed my desk catty-corner to Katie's desk. In fact, there was a row of desks lining one wall of the small, closet-dimensioned room and then a teacher's desk facing the row of desks, but in the corner of the room. Due to the fact that the room was so small and rectangular, the teacher's desk was quite close to the students, in fact, some students desks overlapped the teacher's desk. But this was no problem because, you see, I then realized that every child, excluding me and Katie, was a spirit. Each spirit found its body to be very doll-like, turning their heads/arms very stiffly. I was quite sure that if someone had not set them up in their places, they would surely have fallen over. On the teacher's desk sat a large, yet strong, male spirit who watched the class. I knew instantaneously that this was the teacher. The lady spirit, who Katie had been following, stood up by the teacher's desk, all the while keeping her focus on Katie as Katie feverishly wrote. This "lady" watched Katie with hungry eyes. When I entered the room, I immediately positioned my desk (somewhat in the middle of the room, but catty-corner to Katie's) and immediately began taking the test that everyone appeared to be so feverishly taking. The spirits both viewed me, but the lady spirit quickly refocused her attention on Katie, while the teacher continued to watch me. I looked through my paper (as if it wasn't even there), not caring what the test was, but drawing a mental image of the room; planning our escape. I tried to make the teacher believe that I was testing, but my eyes kept shifting from Katie to the lady spirit. The hunger in the spirit's eyes drove chills down my spine and I knew that if we did not escape when Katie finished her test, we would be in serious trouble. It's no longer a game, Katie; we have to get out of here. This is not right. I thought.

Katie finished her test and handed it to the lady, who then handed it to the teacher, I got up to bring my scribble-scrabble test to the teacher. On the way to the front, I spoke to Katie through the corner of my mouth; "We have to go Katie. We have to go." I tried to remain focused forward, hoping not to draw attention to my warning for our escape. The lady spirit, seeing Katie's subtle distraughtness, turned to me; identifying me as the source. Katie did not want to go, but knew she must. The spirit starred at me coldly, angered by my causal of Katie's distress. Then, all at once, the spirit burned with rage. I dropped my paper, grabbed Katie from her desk and threw my desk behind us as we ran for the door. The lady spirit shrieked in a horrifying shriek of mixed fury and terror. I shoved Katie ahead of me, as I got closer to the door; knowing that once we got outside of our confinement we would have a better chance at outrunning the spirit. Katie got through the door and I nearly got through when the lady spirit appeared before me. Katie ran, but was caught by the teacher and as I tried to run by the lady spirit, she grabbed my ankle. I tripped and fell on my face. I remember as I fell keeping my eyes on Katie. I had to get Katie free. I wanted to make sure nothing happened to Katie. "Caleb!!!" A scream arose in my throat. "Caleb!!!!" I screamed with everything I had. "CALEB!!!!" My voice hit high decibels and seemed to stun the spirits for a short second. Then the lady spirit fought more violently to silence me. "CALEB!!!!!!!!!!!" My final scream of horror and desperation arose. Sure enough, Caleb jumped out of nowhere onto the teacher, who was attempting to contain Katie. The spirits at this point became fleshly, though still the same spirits, but were able to be touched. I grabbed the arm of the lady spirit and turned it around behind her back. I heard her bones crack as I continued to twist her arm. The spirit screamed out in pain and struggled defenselessly, now on her knees on the ground. I remember seeing her collarbone muscles rip from beneath her skin as I twisted her arm and watched Caleb and Katie struggle with the teacher. I knew, instantaneously that we would be free soon. And then I woke up.

I grabbed at my muscle that stretched over my collarbone. Right by my shoulder, the muscle ached. I rolled over, putting pressure on it to relieve some pain. I think I fell back asleep. When my alarm went off, the pain was gone.

It's still kind of sore, though, as I type this.

Press On

You know, it’s really hard to wait. Lately I’ve been seeing some examples of women who are tired of waiting. Yeah, we can take that sentence as far as the aspect of choosing to have sex before marriage, but that is not the full intent of my previous words. In looking about I am seeing women who are just plain tired of waiting for God’s will. There are women who are tired of trying to uphold His standard in their lives. And there are women who are tired of feeling incomplete. They’re just plain tired. And so in their lives they are selling themselves short, whether through sex, or needing a boyfriend, or even homosexuality. See, in all these situations, women are seeking for completion. The media really helps fuel the inbred need for completion. How many movies out there depict a woman “lost without her beloved”? And the thing that kills me are the “Christian” videos that show the same “helpless”, incomplete, searching, lost woman who inevitably finds her phenomenal love-life (whether it's prior to marriage or not) and picturesque lifestyle in her cookie-cutter house with her gorgeous husband who supplies her every emotional and physical need. What is that? Slowly those who are seeking His standard in their lives fall victim to the repetition of the worldly messages. Don't listen to the lies, women of God. Please, don't listen.

I cannot run the race for you. I am struggling to keep my own head afloat in the suffocating waves of destructive messages that this generation seems to be promoting.

But women who are truly running after God’s heart,
Women who are seeking His kingdom and not this fleeting one,
Women who are staking their foundation upon our Completer,

Women… press on! Press on sisters and help each other press on!
Please, whatever you do, just remember… Jesus is so worth it!!!



Jesus is worth it.

O Come All Ye Faithful

"O come, all ye faithful...

joyful and triumphant..."

Celine Dion's voice came to my ears.

And a smile flooded my face.

Tonight I was just sitting here listening to Celine Dion, grateful and joyfully enjoying my "night off". How nice it is to do absolutely nothing for a change. =)

Celine Dion sang her usual love songs, flailing her gorgeous voice into the silent night air. And I hummed along and fake sung where I felt it appropraite. =)

And then all at once...

"O come, all ye faithful...
joyful and triumphant..."

goose bumps.

Christmas is fast approaching. I absolutely love this time of year. Not the shopping craze, or the santas on every street corner, or the gift exchanges.

No, none of that... not for that reason.

See, it's in this season that I get to sit back and reflect on the amazing glory of our Lord first coming to this earth. Can you imagine Mary's face when she saw God's Promise placed in her own arms? Joseph? The Angels? The shepherds? What joy, what amazement and what utter awe must have struck everyone, every living thing to see that little babe.

I can't wait for Christmas.

That's my Savior! That's Christ the Lord!

"O come, let us adore Him,

O come, let us adore Him,

O COME LET US ADORE HIM

CHRIST THE LORD!!!"

Bleep

5:45AM and I rolled over. My, my, what a sleep. 5 hours is not enough for anyone to run on. Franklin's filter made it's normal filter noises and shot out the jetstream at a few rock which clanked noisily in his tank. Great. Shhhh, I though, The noise will magically vanish without me having to get up to fix it. Go back to sleep, I tried to convince my head. Shhh, go back to sleep.
I managed to tune out the filter (well, kinda) but I worked hard at ignoring it at least. I rolled back over at 6AM.
I have to get up anyway. I grumbled in my head. No, wait... what day is it? Saturday. So that means I can sleep in til 7AM cause I don't have to work til 8AM. Yay. I thought. [Now granted, it's not Saturday, but honestly... first thing in the morning... It was good that I remembered I was working.]
Bleep. What is that? Bleep.
Shh, go away. just one more hour.
Bleep.
Please?
Bleep.
Come on, please? I don't get enough sleep as it is and I'm really trying to.
Bleep.
Is it a fire drill? My thoughts immediately flew to 4:30AM firedrills at UT all during exam week because people were just plain mean and thought pranks were funny.
Bleep.
Man! I realized it was my smoke detector that they "supposably" came in to change the battery on two weeks ago. And sure enough, the battery was dying. AKA, they didn't change the battery.
Bleep.
What time does maintenance get in?
Bleep.
9?
Bleep.
Man!!! I got up. I just can't ever get a good night's sleep can I?
Bleep.
=/ ...thanks... =/

(sigh) Day #47809485 without a good night's sleep. Here we go!

I shook it off.

It's all good... (bounces around in a Rocky fighting stanz) I got this!

Study of Quality Text

Oh how mine heart longeth for the days of yore,

Blissful, youthful, joyous hour spent with thee, dearest "Study-of-quality-text".

Hours, days passeth whilst in thine midst.

Thine captivating lyric accenting thine smooth, gentle leaf.

Thou art, dare say, fascinating?

Delightful?

Nay, mine eloquence fails to expound thine true beauty.

Thou art IRRESISTIBLE!

But alas, I must resist thee whilst exercising the prospect of achieving satisfactory caliber in universital, though institutional, standing.

Alas, woe is me, for mine heart belongs to thee, dearest "Study-of-quality-text".

Soon I shall return to thee, fully embracing the joy of thine comfort and companionship.

Forget me not. Forget me not, dearest.

My leave shall be brief, for mine genius (HA!) be beseemed to another.

Yeah, it bring much sadness to disclose the name of the other that consumeth mine furlough.

But thine truth requireth such a name from mine lips.

Alas, mine hated,

mine torturer,

mine disputant defiler bare the name;

"Study-of-NON-quality-text".

Woe, mine heart cries in shame!

Forgive me. Pity my dishonor.

Pity mine humiliation of the very devotion I pledged thee, "Study-of-quality-text".

Thou art mine only true object of affection.

I shall return to thee posthaste.

Alright, alright... I better get back to studying for exams.

Enough messing around.

- Bummer -

Mailed Mystery and Awe

As usual, I grabbed the mail on the way into my apartment. I sorted through the mail at the mailboxes in front of my apartment, trying to find anything with my name on it. I got a bit disappointed when nothing but ads read "Monica Elvy". Inside, I headed straight for the "coffee table" and sorted out the mail into 3 piles for my roommates. That's when I found the envelope. "Monica Elvy" read the square sunflower envelope. "Ohh, who's it from?" I looked for a return address, but there was none.

Inside my room, I opened the envelope to find a traveler's check with $100 addressed to me. "What?" I was confused. "Why would anyone send me $100?" Then my mind reverted to the mysterious $400 that had turned up in my mailbox last year with my name on the envelope. I flipped the envelope back over to discover that the address was written in the exact same way that the previous envelope had been written. See, you'd think an address would we written the same, regardless of the sender, but this case is not true. My address, when I give it to people, is not written in the same way as these two envelopes.

I stood there, staring blankly at the envelope. Then I discovered, unlike the last envelope, this one contained a letter inside. The letter contains the following;

Monica

You are an inspiration to me and to many others. Thank you for loving God and people. He loves you, and I know He will use you to do awesome things. Life can be so exciting! It can also be hard, so please use this gift to ease some of that and know you are loved and lifted up.

- heart -

No words came.

- Awe, pure awe. -

Soli Deo Gloria.

Ucky

I feel ucky today.

ucky. ucky...



ucky.


But I can't afford a sick day.
Have to work. Have to school. Have to homework.
Can't stop. Go, go, go.

Want One

I want one.

A Hobbie

[The last box says, "The secret to enjoying your job

is to have a hobbie that's even worse."]

Ahhh... so that's what I'm lacking.

Chaos at it's Finest.

So I would like to begin with a general explanation fo the "situation". Due to the fact that I have taken a plethera of classes at WSU and UT alike, the University College 'kindly' informed me yesterday in a letter that I was being denied financial aid starting next quarter if I did not declare a major.

Today marked the application deadline day for the Social Work department. [AKA, University College, I'M TRYING!]

So last night when I recieved the letter and was struggling to figure out all the details that I seemed to be uninformed about, that officially marked Monica's 1st breakdown of the quarter. [Oddly enough, I really didn't think my first breakdown would come from my major, but then again... breakdowns don't really tend to warn you about their arrival.] Despite being locked off ROX (my access to register for my classes for next quarter) and despite slim chances that I will be able to meet the requirements that will allow me to be accepted to the Social wrok major because of the dwindling number of open seats left in my needed classes, I came to a peaceful conclusion. And thanks to three wonderful friends, I made it through breakdown 1 with impeckable "delight".

I went to University College this morning to ask them, basically, to have patience and inform them of my current efforts toward the Social Work major. There I discovered that the advisor I have been seeing fo rthe past 2 years is not my official advisor [odd that that never came up in our meetings] and that my official advisor was not going to work with me at all. I was then handed a piece of paper and told that my options were either to continue to be in University College without a major and without financial aid or to find another major. My official advisor then told me that Sociology best fit my current stack of classes, so I should change my major to that and then work from there between the Social Work departments and the Sociology department to transfer into the Social Work Major. [Confusing you? AMEN!]

So I signed the paper because without signing the paper I could not schedule for my social work classes for next quarter and I headed to the social work department.

Upon walking into the social work department I #1. turned in my application, #2. put my name on a waiting list to talk to the SW (Social Work) department chair, and #3. noticed that my current SW Professor was on the phone in her office. I decided it would be in my best interest to swing in and ask her if I could speak with her after class. I popped my head in after she hung up the phone.
"Hey!" She welcomed my familiar face.
"Hey. I was wondering if you might have any time after class today to talk with me? I mean, I'm sure you have a lot to do..."
"Of course," She cut me off, "I mean it's crazy around here, but sure, sure...what's it regarding?"
"Um," an unexpected lump arose in my throat, "so, I got a letter from the university that says I can't be a social work major and my financial aid is going to be cut next quarter if I..." I couldn't finish.
"Ok, well, let's see..." She spoke with concern. "I have an apointment at 10:30 [my watch read 10:26] but it should be fairly quick and my next apointment's not til 11 so do you have anything to do or can you hang around for a bit?" She openned a doorway of opportunity.
"Yeah, sure I can just hang here and study."
"Great." Came her response.

So breakdown #2 of the quarter occured in the hallway as I was going to get a drink of water in waiting for Dr. Baker's apointment to conclude. I guess the stress and the events of the morning caught up with me. But thanks to mom, I was able to walk back into the department with, granted, red eyes, but with a restored determination.

Despite the possibility of adding an additional year onto my graduation date, I left the Social Work Office with two people on my side; Dr. Baker, my Professor, and Dr. Brun the chair for the Department of Social Work [AKA, the Big Cheese of the SW department]. And I also left the office with one other thing; a piece of paper signing me into the closed SW 271 class.

There battle is far from over, but I am at peace that God is obviously handling this one.

~ Soli Deo Gloria. ~

A Leap of Faith

Ok, God. So here we go.

Today I turn in my Social Work application and hope to figure out this recent confusion with my credit status and requirement completion.

God, you are in control.

Hold my hand.

Ready or not... Here we go!