Can I get a Witness?

I have witnessed wrath waiting around the corner, scrunched down, with crazy in his eyes as naive Dakota trots down the hallway - oblivious of anything other than "play, play, play.'

I have witnessed wrath flying accross the room and racing like mad under the table and around the chairs with no provoking.

I have witnessed wrath sit innocently with big eyes, melt your heart, and then the next minute sink a claw into a passing dog face with brutal hissing.

I have witnessed wrath, I live with wrath...

his name is Juneau.

And I adore him.

Good Ole Days

I am happy to be found old fashioned when it comes to raising Rachael.

I guess I just think there is too big of a push for kids to grow up. I have found more exposure to this regarding the kind of comedy that kids are watching on say, the Disney channel. Like "I Carly" for example. I don't have anthing against the show, personally, there's not any garbage in the show or poor material. It's just that it's encouraged to have a small child watch the show. The show's designed for the "pre-teen" population, but many of the clothes are sold in preschool sizes. Again, there's nothing distasteful about the show, it's just that there's something about cartoons and silly little kid shows disappearing that makes me a bit sad. (Gotta love PBS, but somehow they're the only channel that has kept truly preschool shows.) Dora, which was actually designed for the preschool age, is now a "baby show" and something "older" has taken Dora's place in the preschooler's eyes.

It's sad to watch a child really have no idea how to play. It reminds me of two little girls in my old afternoon kindergarten class. They were "surprise" kids in a line of older siblings. And these girls were so obesssed with appearance and "boyfriends" that they did not know how to play. They just sat around talking about others. It was so sad. Sticks and dirt and rocks meant nothing to them. I remember how I used to play outside all day long n the summer. I have no idea what I did, but I loved it. Now don't get me wrong, there's the book readers verses outdoor kids among us everywhere, but the book readers used to be the exception to the other "normal" kids who played outdoors. Now the book readers remain still the exception and the majority being kids that struggle to play. The routine instead is coming home from daycare , where a tight schedule is created with minimal freeplay, supper, bath and bed. Where's the imagination encouragement?

I miss the concept of putting a kid in play clothes and letting them tear loose in the backyard mud. Now their polo might get dirty.

Sure I'm stuck in my own bias, I'll be happy to own up to that. I just wish I heard of more parents who play dressup with their kids instead of turn on the TV. I wish I saw evidence of more parents stacking blocks without needing to announce colors and shapes with Einstein movies in the background for their 9 month old. There is value in learning, but sometimes we can push too hard to grow a child up that we lose the joy of their current development. Sometimes splashing in the bathtub and mouthing toys is enough.

Hope I don't forget that any time soon.

Exchanging Browns

I awoke to her moans on the monitor. She was an hour and half early. "She'll put herself back to sleep," I thought. Twenty minutes later she was fussing off and on. Only later did I discover the culprit of her early start to the day - a new tooth. But my body reluctantly led itself through the dark hallway to her room. "I just want to check on her," I reassured Matt. I crept into her room. After a minute she sensed my presence, immediately stood up and flung her arms at me. I picked her up. Who could have resisted? She motioned for blankey with a grunt. So Rachael, blankey, and I traveled back to the ever-so-desired reward of Mommy and Daddy's bed. After laying there a few minutes I opened my eyes to discover her browns studying my face. We exchanged browns for browns for a moment as she rubbed the sleep indicator part on her right ear. I thought in that instance, "What in the world makes me this privileged to be her Mother? What did I do to earn her complete comfort and trust?" I felt her inhales and exhales with ease. An unspeakable thankfulness flooded from my heart to my Maker. I flashed her a smile. I could see her smile lines twitch around her pacifier. And then she leaned in and rubbed her forehead on my face. And there she chose to remain until her forehead slipped to my lips and she nuzzled in closer.

What in the world did I do to deserve this unconditional love?

Nothing.

And yet still what a cherished moment...

I have been given.



- Thank You, thank You. -

Transparent

Yesterday I walked into the room to discover the 5 y/o I watch in the afternoons was making a picture with puffy gel paint. She immediately looked guilty and hid the paint under the table. I was not angry with her, I had put out the paint for her to play with, allowing her the chance of responsibility, and did not require her to ask me before using the paint. But for some reason she believed that she could be in trouble and hid the paint. Only trouble, she was hiding the culprit under a glass table.

Isn’t that what we do with God sometimes? We think maybe if we don’t acknowledge our shortfalls and we don’t draw attention to the areas in our life where we’re not obeying then we can somehow hide it under the table from God. Only trouble, the table is glass.

God just kinda nailed me with that lesson yesterday.

Home-Improvement Bug Bites Again!

I have this home-improvement vibe about me again today. I'm sure it's the nesting hormonal prego fun. But today I just might get the opportunity to employ it properly - our house is a wreck. I look around this room and think of the others nearby and all these projects jump out and beg for attention. When was the last time the shelves were ever cleaned? (Ha!) Does that stained blanket really accent the fireplace well? How about those crusty windows? Or what about those cluttered shelves? Those things have been put off for a rainy day. And you know what? Rain's in the forecast for today. So, now my greatest challenge is not what to do or where to start, for I appear to have A LOT of choices, but my greatest challenge is how to convince my weekly five year old that washing the windows is fun.

Let's see how I can become creative enough to entertain while still producing good cleaning results. Let the challenge begin - well, as soon as I get showered and feed Rachael and Lexi - oh and then there's the dog, gotta pay attention to the dog... and... the......

=)


*** The proceeding two and a half days after this post I moved 2 bookshelves, 1 queen sized bed (needing Matt's help on the matress), one dresser, a file cabinet, a TV, a nightstand, some 200 books, revamped the shelving by the fireplace, cleaned out the file cabinet (shredding it's unneeded contents), cleaned out the fireplace, baby proofed/organized our new "office" space, organized 4 junk piles, and set up a play room. Oh, plus a greater contribution to laundry an dishes and the regular cleaning. I'd say that was a highly effective use of my home-improvement bug. =)

A Little With A Lot

Read 1 Peter 4 today. I had not initially intended to read 1 Peter 4, I was going for Acts, but my hands opened to 1 Peter 3 which we've been studying in church so I decided to give it a read-through. At it's conclusion I pressed on to 1 Peter 4 and God spoke quite loudly amid the silence of the moment.

Feel free to checkout 1 Peter 4: 1-11 on your own, but I wanted to include here what all He taught me though the passage.

1 Peter 4: 1-11
*NASB translation of God's word
*(my understanding of scripture)

Forward: Paul is writing to Christians.

Therefore, since Christ has suffered in the flesh (hence the cross),
arm yourselves also with the same purpose (that suffering is not uncommon to Christ-followers),
because he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin (think about the power of that statement in light of the cross - and yet he still had no sin, chose no sin),
so as to live the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for the lusts of men, but for the will of God. (So therefore, when we are in Christ we are to follow Christ's example in not living for the lusts of men, but for God. The power of that statement carries such a great weight - a lifestyle worthy of pursuit)
For the time already has past is sufficient for you to have carried out the desire of the Gentiles, having pursued course of sensuality, lusts, drunkenness, carousing, drinking parties and abominable idolatries. (AKA your past has held enough sin for a lifetime and you've had plenty of opportunity in the past for sinning)
In all this, they (mankind, and especially those not in Christ) are surprised that you do not run with them into the same excesses of dissipation (Christ-followers are not - or should not be- indulging in the same sins of the past),
and they malign you; but they will give account to Him who is ready to judge the living and the dead. (Refocusing us on the end-picture that all will stand before God therefore we should seek no personal revenge or spend further time dwelling on the hurts from those who are not in Christ mocking those in Christ. That's just the world and all in the world will stand in judgement and receive a reward for their faithfulness or a retribution for their wrongs.)
For the gospel has for this purpose been preached even to those who are dead (the gospel has been preached to those not in Christ for this very purpose...),
that though they are judged in the flesh as men, they may live in the spirit according to the will of God. (So through Christ all are given the opportunity to refute the flesh, despite being stuck for the time being in he flesh, and pursue God. We are already sinner by merely being in the flesh - who out there has not committed a sin? - yet we are given the chance to live in the spirit and rise above our fleshly lifestyles.)
The end of all things is near; therefore, be of sound judgement and sober spirit for the purpose of prayer. (Never thought of needing to be of sound judgement and sober spirit for the purpose of prayer, but it makes sense that if you spend less time asking God for forgiveness of your own actions then you are able to spend more time praying for others.)
Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. (When you view someone in love, regardless of where they stand in regards to the cross, you see their fallacy and it is easier for your heart to focus on their need for Christ instead of the disgust of sins.)
Be hospitable to one another without complaint. (Oh how many times I have been hospitable to another and later complained in my mind about their ungratefulness, how shallow and how totally missing the point of hospitality. Hospitality is not earned, it is merely a gift without an expectation.)
As each one has received a special gift (fruits of the spirit and talents given us from God),
employ it (your gift) in serving one another as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. (Don't be selfish in holding onto your gift, but use it to serve others - as was it's purpose.)
Whoever speaks, is to do so as one who is speaking the utterances of God; (talk about a harness for the tongue. Could you imagine if we all spoke under such pretenses?)
whoever serves is to do so as one who is serving by the strength which God supplies; (how often I have served by the strength of my own hands only to reach exhaust and no longer be useful in furthering the gospel because I'm so focused on self when tired. )
so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. (What we put into our relationship in Christ speaks volumes about the authority and glory that should be given to Christ and Christ alone. For we are being watched constantly by those looking to make excuses for running from the faith. Oh that we might glorify God and keep it afresh on our minds to glorify God no matter what may come.)
Amen.



- Thank you, Lord, for your teaching this morning. Thank you that you still choose to use this broken vessel to share your Truth. I'm so not worthy, yet still you want me. Thank you, Lord.

Wrestling

God woke me up early again this morning. And I'm talking early- ten til 5am again. It always starts with having to pee (which is quite often the case being prego) but then my mind won't shut off and God has taken the opportunity yet again to remind me of the work He wants me to do. And I find myself stuck somewhere between a Jonah (rebel) and a David (complainer). Wonder how many mornings He's going have to work on me still?

Do you remember Jacob in the Old Testament? He was quite the waverer when it comes to God, but there was his one shining moment in which God renamed his Israel. You remember that night depicted when he wrestled with the Holy Spirit all night and then the Spirit touched his leg where there would forever be a reminder of his wrestling? I've been looking for my scar lately too but I have yet to find it so maybe that means the wrestling is far from over.

It's like there's a place in my mind that knows the fruit in obedience, I've tasted it. Yet this Philistine inside me trembles at the Goliath before me. And the more time passes, the more I convince myself that partial obedience will satisfy. "Maybe I'm just not meant for winning this battle." I settle in my unrighteousness. And that comfort breathes relief for a night or two, but then the morning comes - especially the early morning.


Matt and I had a great conversation about the conflicts of man and God. It's always fun to pick your brain with another and sharpen iron. This time the focus was on the fallacy of the Word. It's incredible to me how many churches can pick and choose what they want in God's character, in other words, saying parts of Scripture are and are not true. It's as if it's a menu, "Yes, I'll take that platter, but hold the onions, forget the red sauce, I'll have the cheese sauce instead and yes, can I substitute the fries with a side salad?" Who do we think we are in telling God what is and what is not in His character? But when you boil down to the roots of it, the primary struggle is not just one of having an improper view of Deity, but that of trying to elevate ourselves to a god status. "I know a loving God wouldn't.." Really? Do you really venture to say you know the mind of God? Are you really that good to know the mind of the creator of all things? Have you really fooled yourself so? For surely if you know the mind of God, then you yourself must be God. And then how can one save themselves from themselves? How come we think we are so big to dictate that we will accept the salvation of the cross and yet were chucking out the wrath part, or the part where it says man is not to sleep with another man, or the part where it says we're to have no other gods before God? How really have we fooled ourselves into believing we are wise enough to choose for ourselves what is and is not good for us from God?

And yet again I find myself at the same stumbling block, stuck somewhere between a Jonah and a David. My rebellion calls out: I don't want to open this can of worms, I just want to stay here and be comfortable... look no real harm is coming to me thus far... this must still be not too bad. Ho easy it is to rationalize where I'm at and still dream for the reward given to those who step out in faith.

"All right, all right," I finally tell God. "You are right. I will do it. I'm scared as all get out and I'm not comfortable and I'm one of your whiny ones, but I'll be an obedient whiny one."

"I remember" friends

I remember my mom telling me one piece of advice around my wedding time and she repeated this same piece of advice around Rachael's birth time: don't pull away from your friends completely and only focus on your family because one day you'll realize you needed your friends.

I have pondered with Miranda what has made our friendship last. What did we do to bypass change with normalcy? When did we both reside in our hearts that even a once every three month conversation was worth more than letting go of our friendship? What made us last as friends during the constant changes?

Even the greatest intentions of friendship and the greatest promises of "standing by each others side" don't necessarily remain through the changes.

I remember promising so many California friends that I would always write and would miss them terribly. Yet as was true to my 3rd grade character, writing wasn't always fun - it took work. And it seemed as if life just went on when we left and so did our lives. Two different worlds spinning simultaneously and yet feeling like they were so out of sync.

Elementary school proved its own friends that would "always be there" until Jr. High hit and the big building seemed to swallow them alive. And then there's the "we can make it, our friendship will last" pep talks we gave to our Jr. High friendships as we crossed the road to the High school. When we reached the other side, I realised I was alone.

The High school signatures with the "we'll always keep in touch" meant nothing to me after watching so many friends disappear. I remember even telling one of my sister's friends who said she would keep in touch, "No, you'll probably keep in touch for a little, primarily though my sister, and then after a few months you'll carry on with your life and me with mine." I remember how offended I made her feel. Yet those words became truth regarding me. She's still an active friend of my sister's though.

College is nothing but change, growing and learning lessons. Seems like each year your friends changed but just a few remained - maybe a small handful. And your identity was so much tied into your friends. Finally you found the people you would always live your life with, share your joys with and grow with. And then graduation. Some made the awkward transition into life and most either returned for grad school or ventured off into the unknown.

And when it's all said and done and you start to settle in the comforts of "your own little world" and your normalcies you begin to wonder... what made these few friendships last? Look at the odds they faced!

Investment. Who wants to invest in something vanishing? Who wants to see their time given to something that fails? How conditioned are we for the win? And part of me is grateful to have spent time getting to know so many people. And part of me wishes I would have just spent my time investing in the few that stayed.

It's odd how graduations, marriages, moving, children, pets, extended family, and so many things break apart otherwise good friendships.

I wonder if friendships fall apart because the friend has been replaced. I think this can be the case in marriage for certain. Some people can only handle so many people being close to them. So when there is the option of friends who are "here and now" verses an old friendship, there will be obvious weeding out. Some people are quite the opposite where they pick their few and no matter what happens they will always be their friends. And yet, how can the two types of friends exist together in one friendship? I guess it just depends on how long the second friend will tolerate their depth of friendship not being returned. Oh how complicated friendships can be. And if I were honest, some days I just don't want to try. Some days I just want to flock to the easy friendships and bail out on the harder ones.

Time is so limited. You don't find time, you MAKE time. But even so you can only make so much time in one day. And with that made time, I truly want to spend that time on friendships that will last.

"Just give it some time," I've been told in wisdom.

But time is so hard to afford sometimes.

Friendship can be so worth it... and so .... not.


- just some rambling and thinking... -

Who Wants to...

I find it easier to explain things in terms of a future conversation I may have with Rachael. So much of our world is a new place to the child that I’ve often thought about how I would explain it all to Rachael. Often times I think we get so caught up in our daily lives that we parents forget that little eyes are trying to learn all about their world from our example. And honestly, when God catches me and reminds me of that I wonder if Rachael could learn much better from someone else.

Pastor Steve preached a sermon today that touched my heart. Mom talked about it a bit at lunch today and I remained silent because so much of me was still processing it. Pastor spoke of suffering for Jesus. Now as soon as the topic arises I realize it comes with a bunch of groaning and moaning from those who have heard so many similar sermons. I too had to stop myself from brushing off the teaching as “not about me” or “not for me” since I am not some heroic missionary burning at the steak or spreading the gospel in Africa. Persecution is something I don’t claim to fully understand in terms of the severity of the persecution in the past and, despite hushed away reality, the persecution of today. Pastor explained that persecution is on a scale from a simple slander thrown at you for choosing righteousness all the way to death for the sake of Christ.

This sermon was not merely for the purpose of informing us that we now have a new addition to our list of complaints in all the times that we have been persecuted, but instead flipped the script. If we are not being persecuted in any way in our lives, where’s the proof for your righteousness? Righteousness in Rachael terms, which really help me to practically understand, can be described as working toward perfection in Christ (sanctification) or just resolving for today that you will choose Jesus when given every opportunity. Oh the flesh is given every opportunity to glorify itself throughout the day, from the small frustrations to the “why does this always happen to us” moments. But righteousness is choosing in each opportunity to glorify Jesus. In your mind, you have stricken yourself only to choose a path glorifying to Christ. Some days are easier than others.

You see, faithfulness is what we should hope to attain. When we stand before Christ someday what will He say? Will it be a powerful, yet merely “through the blood, you may enter” or will He say, “well done, good and faithful servant”? I think I often get overwhelmed by the thought of faithfulness, especially after I screw up yet again. I can feel that I have busted my track record yet again and wiped the slate clean of any accrued faithfulness and I’m back to square one. But I am sure those ‘old faithful’s and even Paul himself felt like utter failures in their lives. I know my motivation is what Christ would say, but Christ’s words are often so contrary to my feeble mind’s understanding that I have no idea if I am being faithful or not. So I find myself wondering what other Christians who really are wanting Jesus would say about my life. Would I be called a faithful follower of Christ? One who’s “on fire” for Jesus? Oh don’t get me wrong, my thoughts of what others would think of me do not consume my pressing on, but sometimes it’s just easier for me to understand success and failure in common sense terms. Ultimately I know that nothing I can do will change how God feels about me. Yet still a prize awaits us, a prize that will be thrown at the feet of Jesus because we still remain unworthy of the Lamb that was slain.

Righteousness includes so much more than just your gut reaction, though your gut reaction can say a lot about where your foundation lies. But righteousness is a daily choice – a daily mindset. Some days I find it easier to firmly plant my feet in righteousness. The environment is so loving and nurturing of my growth. The day just seems to steal my mind away to Christ. And then there seems to be “every other day” when righteousness is a fight. Choosing Christ is contrary to my sin nature. Choosing Christ’s mind is contrary to my selfishness and fleshly wants. Christ will always be contrary to the darkness for Light cannot have darkness in it. Light is the absence of darkness and Light exposes darkness for its ugliness. Yes it’s easier to hide away or “try tomorrow” to be righteous because suffering through persecution (no matter how minimal persecution may be) has a cost and hurts. But there is only gain ahead of us. Who else can say that apart from Christ? No one. There is only gain in all that awaits those who endure this world. For joy comes in the morning. And there will be those who “just barely made it” into heaven through the blood of Christ and then there will be those who God’s word describes in Revelations as the martyrs and those oppressed for the sake of the Gospel. No bragging rights come to those with extra jewels on their crowns to throw at Christ’s feet for all crowns will be cast. But who wants to half live? Who wants to spend their days here on this earth and have nothing to show for their efforts? Who wants to merely waste their time here? Isn’t Jesus worth so much more than that? Isn’t Jesus worth not only our obedience, but our willing and faithful service? Or has the cross become merely a casual conversation of the past? Has the suffering and dying of Jesus Christ for us “while we were yet sinners” become merely a Truth in which we can build our coach-potato lifestyles of comfort and ease?

Please don’t think that I am speaking only to others and not of myself as well.

Is Christ not more than enough?

Is Christ not more than worth it?

Crafty Craze

Have you ever experienced a crafty drive? I know Jes has because some beautiful workings have come from the "need to make something." Well the nesting period only intensifies the want to use my creativity to benefit another. So now where to start.... too bad I'm not all that crafty....

It's this odd crafty vibe that hits during two other times; a time of desire to make a change and a time of desire to have a lasting impact. Talk about not knowing where to start. =)

Oh I don't expect to accomplish all of these, but I do feel pushed to do more than a farkle game can accomplish.

I think it's time to reprioritize. I have found myself caught in the same trap of "wasting time" while I'm waiting instead of using the time well to accomplish a lasting task. I won't pretend that n one else out there has never found themselves in this same position. But still I find the need to re-evaluate my use of time and the affect of that time usage.

And then the 3 drives mentioned ahead make me want to take a long walk with Rachael - only the snow and ice seems to throw a wrench in that category. Maybe I'll find some solace in a mall walk - a thinking walk, a planning walk, a reorganizing walk. But first... a shower.

A Few Pics

Here's a few pics of the fun at Boonshoft Children's Museum that we had last week with Aunt Ellen, Uncle Ron, the cousins, and Lexi.

Grocery shopping play with Bekah

Chasing a can with John.

Watching a dust machine with Lexi and John.

Sitting on an atom-making table.

Driving the recycling truck with Lexi.

Dancing in front of a motion-detection screen with Lexi.

Playing with blocks.

And the last two are a shot with Lexi at our home and an attempt at a family pic to send to my Daddy. Thank you, Jenney, for your help in the photography realm between playing photographer and loaning us your camera yet again. I promise we're looking to get a camera here quite soon. =)

Our lil World

So as most of you have probably already discovered, we have learned as of Tuesday (Feb 2) that we are having another little girl. We are so thrilled. And her name is and will be Abi Grace. Anyone wondering where we got the spelling of Abi, it's in 2Kings 18:2. The only thing we know about that Abi is that she was a daughter of Zechariah. But you know how I like to tweak names a bit to give a child individuality so Abi it is. No, she's not Abigayle. Just Abi. Abi's right on track for a due date of June 23rd (right around Grandpa's [Matt's Dad] b-day). By the way, Abi has come at a shocker to Matt's side who was convinced that Abi was going to follow the typical second and third child are boys trend. but Abi has fallen right in line with my side's endless girls trend. Only my side of the family was also convinced that I was carrying a boy. I love the surprises!

And it's funny, but now that we know more about Abi, she has become more alive in my mind and in our home. The nesting period has already started to kick in. Don't worry, folks, I have control of this. I added sunshines to the nursery curtain ends that I found in the back of the craft drawer and painted to satisfaction. And you better believe that my mind is already on fire with all kinds of fun thoughts about welcoming Abi to our family. I wonder what she will be like, and yet am enjoying the normalcy of our lives prior to her entrance.

Upward basketball is going well. It's fun being an assistant coach to my husband. And it even more fun to watch Matt's child-like side and teacher-side come out through the ministry. We love our little team to death. All 6 of them. =)

I've found much enjoyment in the routines of the day. Funny how dishes aren't so bad sometimes. And there's the perks of visiting with Ellen and "the cousins" at various locations once per week. it's fun to watch Rachael come alive in their presence. Rachael just loves John, her cousin who's 3 weeks older than her. And it's fun to herd them all with Ellen. Today we're heading out to Ellen's. She's acquired two more kiddos today so I'm taking Lexi (the 5 y/o I watch in the afternoons) and Rachael on over for an afternoon of playing with the other 4 kiddos. Look forward to the fun amidst the chaos.

Got some great pointers from a friend about shopping smarter and utilizing the tools out there. Looking forward to revamping the grocery list and how we do grocery shopping to be better with the finances we have been given. Funny how domestically fun it can be. Matt and I stayed up late last night in bed talking all about... groceries. Hehe. Gotta laugh at being an adult sometimes. It was a great planning conversation - and you know how I eat up planning.

But alas, Rachael's waiting sleepily for her bath before morning nap, so I better get going.

Hope all is well with you.

Thanks for reading.

Thinkings

This morning I went in to check on her. She had been calling out "Dada" over the monitor for a while, but was now quite silent. Sure enough she put herself back to sleep. But as I peered over the crib rail I saw her anew. She's gotten so big. She'll always be my baby no matter how many join our family, but she just looks so big. She takes up almost half her crib now. I remember when we could turn her sideways and she would fit in that monstrously HUGE crib. How that crib seemed to swallow her in her first night in the "big bed." And now she's so tall and so big.

I told Matt on our drive home from my birthday dinner, "I wonder what our family will be like a year from now." Crazy to think. And yet so wonderful to think.

We set our ultrasound date for baby2 for February 2nd, in two weeks. So much of baby2 excites me. I wonder who he or she'll be. I am quite happy to wait until 20 weeks before having an ultrasound. (Rachael had her first ultrasound at 16 weeks and things were a bit small and hard to see.) At 20 weeks I wonder how tiny and yet huge this new little one will be. Coming to this point in the pregnancy is like being on the brink of excitement. We're hoping to find out if baby's a boy or a girl, but we already have the names picked out and will be thrilled regardless. The youth have asked me what I think this baby is. I told them I have no idea. It's funny how a toddler seems to occupy so much of your thought to the point that this pregnancy just hums along. On top of it, who wants to set their hopes up for one over the other only to find disappointment? I'd rather just build all my thinking after findng out and rejoicing either way. But how exciting to be on the brink of baby's movement and on the brink of seeing our child's development.

And who says God doesn't do miracles today?

Today's Legacy

"My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me and to accomplish His work. Do you not say, 'There are yet four months, and then comes the harvest?' Behold, I say to you, lift up your eyes and look on the fields, that they are white for harvest. Already he who reaps is receiving wages and is gathering fruit for life eternal; so that he who sows and he who reaps may rejoice together. For in this case the saying is true, 'One sows and another reaps.' I sent you to reap that for which you have not labored; others have labored and you have entered into their labor." (John 4:34-38).

What kind of legacy are you leaving?

You know I read this passage this morning and something clicked. I've heard it recently, nearly a month ago now, and it is still swimming in my mind. Generations of God's people left generations of legacies. And until we make it personal we leave the labor to another and the harvest to another. I want Rachael and our other children, should God bless us, not to speak of Jesus as impersonal or my faith, but be compelled toward Christ from watching my love for Him. "Let them choose for themselves" is a standard hogwash offered by the community, but I want Rachael to choose the only One that satisfies. I'm not going to force her, but I want my life to compel her, that she would desire nothing else.

So often I find myself feeding along the sidelines of God's work. That's so much easier than the hurts of the calloused hands and sore back of the labor and harvest. Oh it's far easier to watch others labor and critique their labor. But I stand beside my lost neighbors in the long line of wallflowers. It's easy to plow a little here and there, but then take a break for the sake of eating and drinking and resting. Then I read the above passage. And I ask myself, where is my energy coming from? Where is my supply? Oh even Christ rested, but not during the laboring and harvesting. He was so in step with the Father that He knew the best time to rest and the best time to be alive in work.

And then in my laboring I desire so much to see the harvest instantly. And I find that my motivation is all wrong. Does the seeing really compel my drive to labor? No wonder Christ said, "ye of little faith."

But instead of his teaching promoting hiding in the back, these realizations compel me to return to the very Discipliner and say, "You're right, please change me again and again that I may be more useful toward Your Kingdom work." Who cares what I look like to the world. I'm sure not gaining much approval on my own anyway. And at some point the bench gets quite crowded. So I find myself again, encouraged this morning to labor hard today, not for any glory I may ever see, but for the sake of laboring for the King who drew me to Himself. And oh that the legacy I leave from today might compel another to the throne.

Thank you for the teaching again today, Jesus. May more days come with this laying down and taking up. I love you.

High School Unwinds

I find it funny how High School lives on in the rest of life. You know, "the pretty one" and "the popular one" never seem to lose that status in others eyes. "The geek" may go on to own Microsoft or very well may fade into the 80 hour workweek, but they still remain a geek to the core. I can only claim this because I am a geek in many ways. But I find it interesting how facebook sort of perpetuates this "exactly like you were in high school" image. Oh it's not just a hate party on facebook, but I'd imagine it's the same for any social networking site. You look up old high school buddies and therein lies the expectation that the popularity or whatever trait you attribute to them is just them and will forever be just them.

I guess the same can go for families too, especially long distance ones. So much of you assumes that the red-headed freckled kid will always be the chaotic 5 year old no matter how old and mature he may get. And the sister will always nag and pick on her older sister and revert to the silly slap-happy 2am moments at various times during the day merely because "we're sisters."

And I find as high school unwinds in the every day life that there are popularity clicks that also form themselves. In many ways the statuses of high school will later unfold themselves in college. Only now the geek becomes the coolest geek in his circle of friends, therefore casting aside his "old geeky self" and putting on his "new geeky self." There are the stories of the "who would have thoughts" that seem to evolve in college and somehow work the chain of status, but many just find themselves in the same categories, marrying the same categories and finding their delight in their category. "Popularity is not important," we may say as we strive to "fit in" in our own crowds.

I just find it so interesting how a status alone can create a feeling. Wow, "he's a great dad" emerges from the mouth of someone of less popularitybwhen the more popular person posts messages to his kids. It begins not to matter as much what is said, but the person who said it. Inevitably a trail of comments will come from the most outlandish thoughts of a statused person, yet the most heartfelt thoughts of a lesser statused person is met with silence.

Tiger Woods for example. How many lying, multiple cheating, awful people are out there? And yet as soon as I turn on the news, Tiger is the greatest of awful people out there... for weeks and weeks. It's how our society runs, the nastiest murderers capture "the public eye", they rank highest in their status. Maybe that's a poor example, but it is interesting to entertain.

Well they deserve the fame after working so hard to get it. Really? Who in high school worked so hard to get popularity? Well Ms. so and so befriended everyone. That may be true, but what about the nice people who also befriended everyone and "weren't pretty enough" or "smart enough." So much of popularity is attributed to us. So many of the "popular" people in my high school were popular because their older siblings were popular. Sure in each click there was a popular one, a pretty one, a smart one, a clown. But what makes one click have more status than another in the eyes of a high schooler?

I see it played out so much in the lives of the high schoolers Matt and I work with at church. There's such a social status that even plays out in the youth group. And now it appears in this upcoming generation that the "unpopular" are trying to "rebel" against the social order and becoming popular in their own way. Only it's the same method and the same status. They're just being cool in their "uncool" ways. How much of a high schooler's mind thinks high school is the living end? Spend 10 seconds with a high schooler and the answer will come to you quickly. But the question still remains, do we get stuck there?

Some college life would suggest that we do. Fame and popularity in the media would suggest that we do. The pretty receive the awards, the "willing to put it all on the line" receive the fame. But who's determining the dedication level? Who's to say that a popular person is any greater of a dad than the one who doesn't post their messages for all to see?

Just some thoughts this morning...
Please feel free to comment if you'd like.

A Summary

A letter to an old friend summing up the last year:

"Matt and I are doing well. Thanks for your warm thoughts.

We have been blessed by God and God alone. Rachael is growing strong and well. We are getting ready to celebrate her first birthday. And come late June we look forward to celebrating our second child's birth - provided that God continues to bring that into event. I have learned this past year that sacrifice is necessary, but it still hurts. I am looking forward to leaving full-time employment at the end of this week and being a stay-at-home mom of Rachael. We'll be making sacrifices to get this accomplished (like my cell phone for one), but it is well worth it. I look forward to getting the opportunity to raise our little girl and as I type that statement the hurt still wells in me from watching others raise her this past year. Oh they have done wonderfully, but still - she's my little girl. But alas, as you too can see the good and the bad in New York, I too can see the good and the bad in our choices. Matt's continuing on in seminary and has been promoted to assistant pastor of Miamisburg First Baptist Church. While it continues to be a challenge to be "the young people" of the church with minimal friends - and no one even close to our age bracket, we have found that life has grown us and changed us too. It's funny to admit, but I feel more like a 30 y/o than a mere 24.

I personally, have been finding the struggles in accepting God's love for who I am and His mission for my life in all areas of where He has planted us. So much of me would like to only do the easy work and shy away from the hard. I have found myself looking in the mirror of other's lives and counting myself as "inexperienced" or "missed opportunity". But the Lord is slowly pulling me back from my reigns and reguiding my feet to His path. I have found it's so easy to be "used to" the Bible lessons - so much so that you begin to stop listening to their importance and their crutiality in your life. Alas, I guess this is just what aging in the Lord means- you must fight harder for seeing God's word anew. It's helped to start writing letters to Jesus again. Makes me focus more on His life and not just his death. It's so easy to think of God as the Ancient of Days and miss His work all around you.

Anyway, that is where I have been and where I am growing from.

Continue to be in earshot of many, but in the active mind of few - and that's okay, I really am okay with how life has whittled out the masses and boiled it all down to the few that have stuck with me through it all. I am blessed to hold out a handful of friends after all these seasons."

And I thank God for His provision of a good handful of encouragers.

Thank you to those who have encouraged me and supported me through the seasons. I look forward to "doing life" with you in the future.

And thank you, Lord, for the honesty of this past year. I thank you for returning me to yourself, again and again. Even in the sacrifice, I know you are there. You are always there. I love You.

Resourceful

Rachael is at a fantastic age. She is exploring her world with great curiosity, which is a nice way to say that she's getting into everything. But as she finds interest in everything, she is becoming more and more resourceful. No longer is she content to merely look at something from a distance, she now must taste, touch, and experience everything to the fullest. And her mobility is merely a green light in the process.

She has mastered crawling, pulling up to a stand, and furniture walking so as to use them for her greatest accomplishments - getting into all the little nooks and crannies that we thought things were safe in. And while "no" comes back with a squeak (talking back), she is responding well to the limit-setting. But again, she resorts to her resourceful self.

Like tonight, for example, I was sitting on the floor playing alongside the little trooper. Everything I touched was instantly Rachael's. At one point, I held onto an object and refused to let her take it from me. I told her I was playing with that. She looked at me in amazement, could Mommy ever refuse to share in her world of instant satisfaction? She picked up a manger scene character and handed it to me. When I took it from her she grabbed my toy.

Later she found her bottle in her diaper bag - never fails, that kid always finds her bottle no matter how hard we try to hide that diaper bag from her. She grabbed her bottle out of the bag and crawled over and handed her bottle to me. I hid it behind my back. She squeaked. So I handed her a lint roller to play with. So she used the lint roller to knock the remote control (a "no no") off the side table and grab it. Stinking resourceful. And as I type this she has utilized a toy to knock open the laundry door and try to climb in Dakota's cage. While these behaviors could be seen as terroristic in nature, I find great enjoyment in her resourcefulness. For it merely takes a "no", which is responded with a squeak, with an occasional smack of the hand and then obedience is mine.

How I love that little girl. Let the good times continue!

Quickly

Just a quick post to say over here that I am pregnant with our second child. matt and I should be expecting this little one somewhere around June 23rd. Rachael will be 1.5 y/o when she welcomes her sibling to the world and we will be kept on our toes, i am sure. But we thought, what a greater time than this and how awesome to grow up with a brother or sister that is so close in age. Matt and I are very excited. We're due to the doctor next week and via the last appointment all is good and little kidney bean is doing great. I'll keep you posted as more news comes in. We are so excited. Wait? Did I mention we were excited?

That's right friends, coming home in 12 work days too!

Hope things are going well with you all.

A Finding

You know, I've found out some things over the past few days. First off, sacrifice can change you. It's odd how commentary from a stay-at-home mom about the difficulties of a full-time job can leave me securing some self-regulation. Funny how the emotions well up inside after pushing yourself through a tunnel, and in some ways surrendering to survive. It's so wild how much that changes your world. As I continue the countdown (15 work days left), it doesn't make the sting of the sacrifice any easier, but I find my knees hitting the ground in thanks that the tunnel's light is almost encompassing. And while the emotions may well themselves in my throat on occasion, I have realised that sacrifices may be common to man, but not interchangeable. Therefore, I am learning to find self-regulation amidst the honesty of the sacrifice. Again, a balance to be had.

I have realised some shortcomings in my ability to show Christ in the workplace. Some serious shortcomings. And that I look upon with regret as I begin my goodbye's. I know I have yet to reach perfection, but I can't help but wonder how much more of an example I could have been if I would have been more faithful amidst the storm. I make no excuse for my shortcomings, but look to better conquer the next trial - only through the harnessed power of Christ.

Enjoying the Thanksgiving break. Work was closed on Thanksgiving and today. Also have Monday off and am looking forward to being Matt's sidekick to Seminary. I figure the window frame of me tagging along is only narrowing and I would like to see what he experiences while I have the luxury. Besides, can't beat a good 5 hour round trip car ride with your best friend. Love that man. Love him, love him. Will be fun also to take Rachael on the excursion. She likes the long ride - we hope. =)

A deep sigh emerges as I think of the hard lessons that some friends are learning. Some are far from home and in search of home. Some are lost in emptiness. And some are just weighed down by situations beyond their control. My heart goes out to them. And better yet, my prayers. Hold fast, dear friends, Jesus is sufficient.

Well better get off this thing, Rachael's down for the night and I just can't pass up the chance to cheer Matt on in his PlayStation golfing attempts. Again, love that man. Love him so much.

Good night all those snuggling down for the night. Hope your thanksgiving has been a time of great family time and love. Rest in the assurance of Jesus. He is all we need. Praise be to God. Jesus is all we need.

- sending my love.

Language

"A da" has various meanings to a 10 month old. If we're in the car it means she's talking to her feet. If the radio's on, it's singing and much more of a drawn out "a daaaaaaa." If it comes rapid fire it means Matt. If it's during play it means happiness. If she says it while on the bed looking over the edge it means "Dakota." Im not one of those Mothers who claims to have a genius (she's picking dog hair off the carpet and eating it), but I am enjoying her developing language.

I love the variety that pours out of a simple phrase. Ah the joy of a baby - a baby who's chewing on Dakota's Kong as I write this.

=)

Today and such

28 more working days left until I am DONE!!! - not that I'm counting or anything and not that it's in my scheduler written in red at the top of each day.-

My stomach's WAY off today. I wouldn't have come in but I knew they'd be short staffed today. So I sucked it up, despite dry heaves, and here I am (on my lunch break). This soup doesn't look or feel like it's going to sit too well.

Went in this morning to a pacifier smiler at 6:30am. Funny how nearly 12 hours of sleep has that blessed affect on her. There were no whines or tears, just all smiles. And bath time was joyous and all the more so when Rachael caught a glimpse of Dakota coming down the hallway. It was nice to have a happy morning, despite the dry heaves.

The white car is sick. $1200 dollars of sick. But we have found ourself yet again blessed by our friends to have borrowed a car from a friend for 2 weeks until the budget is passed at church and we find out if it makes sense to resurrect the family car or move on to something that may survive longer. We're enjoying the luxury of a van for the time being- and not only a van, but a van with a bunch of buttons and features. Way fun, you all, I love pushing the buttons.

Rachael started fake coughing after Matt or I cough the other day. So silly. And is ready for tooth #3 to pop in the top any day now. She's going through a bit of a snuggly mommy phase (no complaints) and is mobile and blabbering as ever before. She's trying to figure out how to say "uh-oh" and has "mama" and "dada" down.

Matt and I have started a gym membership in attempts to kill ourselves (HA!) and stay in better shape. Matt's goal will blow you away: to GAIN 25 pounds. Like SERIOUSLY! Cracks me up. But one of my favorite features of the gym in the movie theater with all the treadmills, bikes and elipticles. Talk about some good distraction. Thus far Rachael has done pretty well with the daycare part too - excluding the one time they ran the vaccum and they had to come get me because she lost it and wasn't getting it back.

How are you all? Hope your day is a good one.

A Little Lioness

Halloween was fun. We went over to the Thornells for some good candy pass-out bliss. We sat all bundled up on their front lawn surrounded by carved pumpkins and tea-light candle milk jugs. And the friends were fantastic as usual. Afterall, Jenney and me's like peas and carrots.

Mom (primarily) and I made the costume.

Hello Again...

from the house with a professional crawler who is perfecting furniture walking. We're doing well here. Today I miss the little one and am feeling like 38 work days is forever long away, but am trying my best to convince myself that it will fly like the rest has.

I('m sure absolutely no one reads this blog anymore, but I will be working harder to keep this thing more updated as I come closer and closer to coming home.

I put in my 2 month notice two Fridays ago. It was nice to get that off my back and out in the open. So now I'm left to the task of not losing my mind while I'm still here. It helps to keep the coutdown going. The only danger of countdowns is that you run the risk of not being able to live in the moment, but only in the future, but no fear, I'm totally alreayd there. J/k

This childcare thing has hit a mild bump that could turn into a detour. There's a good chance that my "stable" kiddo may not be needing the services any longer. We'll find out for sure come November 16th. But I am fully and completely trusting that God will provide for all our needs. Maybe not all our wants, but certainly all our needs.

It blows my mind that Rachael is 9.5 months old. Wowzers, that went fast. And "Mama" has never sounded so good before. Gotta love the character that keeps emerging. Yesterday Rachael was laughing hysterically as Matt tickled her on the changing table. Her laugh is adorable. Brings such joy to us.

I'm feeling a bit goobly today. Stomach's off and the chicken noodle's not cutting it. Wish I could have stayed home today. Miss Rachael a lot today. But today's a Monday so it's to be expected. Matt's at seminary all day (starting at 5:15am and all of our schedules are off because we all have to get up earlier than usual in order to get out the door "on time." Today I didn't make it. I was about 25 minutes late to work. One of those days... oh well.

Tonight's date night, so I'm looking forward to that as usual. Matt and I have decided to fill shoe boxes for Operation Christmas Child tonight. Should be a good time. Looking forward to seeing that wonderful man of mine tonight.

Thanks to the 1.5 of you that read this thing... even if it's 2 months later. Thanks for the support.

God bless you and have a great day!

FYI

Peanut started crawling (motivated by the new dog bone - go figure!)

And how handy crawling has become. =)

She's just Her

Personality emerges more and more.

A Planner Planning

We were walking to the grocery store last night and enjoying the conversation about our upcoming California vacation and January plans when he said, "Over the past 2 years we've probably paid off about $17,000 in school debt. That's pretty good since the cars are paid off and we're paying over on the loan payments."

$17,000 - that blows my mind! Props to a fantastic financial planning husband! Especially since we started the debt reduction payments we have not carried a single balance (excluding our payment for the white car for 9 months or so) on a credit card, have shifted loans about to get the best interest rate, payed over for most loan payments, consolidated loans, and still gone on a vacation to Niagra Falls last year, California this year, and Matt's already saving for vacation next year. With the budget we're on - and he's made it flexible to incorporate extraneous spending like going to the theatre tonight with Matt's parents- we should be doing quite well come January.

"We were going to use the tax return to pay off the Ed Financial loan, but it looks like that'll be pretty much gone by then, maybe like $400 left which we'll probably just pay off. So I'll probably just put the tax return into savings for just in case."

Matt's already been setting aside a "nest egg" which we can use as a buffer while the January childcare gets on it's feet. But with one solidified kid for January, Matt basing our entire budgeting for January+ on his current salary (just to make sure we're not banking on an amount that we're guessing to be his raise), October's passing of the church budget will tell us how many more kids I need to add on to the January childcare.

But I tell you what - this January "great escape" is taking flight before our very eyes!

I also just found the equivalent of an $80 double stroller for $25. I brought it home last night and washed all the fabrics and that stroller looks GREAT and is extremely functional! And then I was given some more toddler toys from work and a wooden dollhouse! Let alone being given some toys and a wooden swing set from Jenney. It's just absolutely amazing to watch God orchestrate this all. Absolutely amazing! January is coming alive - right before my eyes. And it's such a blessing to look at Rachael and know that I'm going to be blessed to join in the discovery - much more than I already have.

Thanks be to God!

Summer Fun

We've been having a great summer. Here's a few peaks at this summer's joys through Rachael's eyes. It's nothing fantastic, just a little summer fun.

we've been going for walks a lot

here Rachael helps Daddy play video games.

who needs expensive toys when they have a pacifier clip?

hanging out with the cousins
(they are crazy big too)

Rachael likes John - "he's my size!"

and sweet Bekah.

sitting now

always loving Dakota - who is doing impressively well with Rachael

the new swing (a steal from the thriftstore - not literally)

So that's pretty much been our summer. We've been enjoying church activities like lock-ins and Matt went to Summer camp with the youth (which was hard on Rachael and I but totally worth it to see God work through the youth). We've kept busy, but still kept the balance of the precious things in life. And while work still continues to tax me, the countdown continues until January. Matt has been a blessing to me in the midst of this trial called work. But life presses on and the smiles that await me at home are worth the current sacrifice.

Rachael's getting so big and it blows my mind. She's been growing like one of those weeds in the backyard that we can't get rid of no matter our desires or efforts - only wanted. =)
But when it all wears down at the end of the day, she's still my little cuddlebug.

Finally Gettin' Around...

So I'm finally getting around to posting about Florida. Wowzers - pretty sad that it's taken over 2 months. But bare with me here because it takes a good while to get much of anything done with a very curious baby on your lap who's trying to eat the keyboard.

Florida, Florida, Florida. I'll give you a quick rundown of the trip and then share the rest in pictures.

Trip started off a bit delayed after missing our connecting flight in Atlanta due to weather and airport traffic delays. We ended up spending the night in Atlanta in a stranded-type fashion (eek, Rachael just grabbed a computer capble out of the computer and ut it in her mouth. - one moment.) Okay, so needless to say Jes and I were super ready to see Aunt Yvonne and Uncle Paul when we arrived.

The first day was a bit blurry (I had 2 hours of sleep the night prior) but we enjoyed it. We went to the mall.

Enjoyed the car rides.

Went to Aunt Yvonne and Uncle Paul's fishing park. Rode an airboat (wicked sweet going whipping over lilly pads and such).

Next day we enjoyed seeing Uncle Paul's work and touring about South Beach (CSI Miami) Zone including touching the ocean with our toes.

Going down this really sweet little world away from the Miami show called Espionage Way. Seeing some really awesome huge treees and going to "the best" bakery.

And then we window shopped at a local mall - getting the opportunity to see Aunt Yvonne and Uncle Paul's Bass Pro Shop (so kind of them to share it with us).

Then we went to Dave and Buster's and home to the hottub (oh yeah!).

Next morning we enjoyed home-made movie entertainment. Then we wandered off to the sweetest place of the whole trip - the Everglades National Park. The heat had broken because there was a huge storm on the horizon so all of us enjoyed the break from the sweltering. And did I mention that we got to see uncontained gators (anywhere from 5 to 20 feet away)? Don't worry, we kept a close watch on Rachael.

Gator to the right in picture

Then is was back home for a pizza delivery night filled with movies. And off to the airport the next morning.

Oh yes, dear friends, we had a wonderful time.

Thank you again, Aunt Yvonne and Uncle Paul for your willingly welcoming desert heat oasis.
Love you both!