Frosty October Morning

I awoke on this frosty October morning after a good night's sleep (only 1 nightmare, 2 leg cramps, 2 bathroom trips, 1 trip for a drink, and 2 quick wake-ups to roll over). Seriously, friends, that's a good night's sleep for me and I am really blessed by having had such a good night's sleep. I was well overdue and hurtin' for some good sleep.

I've heard MercyMe's new song, "God with us" and it's really put the 'normal' sacrifice in a new light. It's funny how normal the gospel can become and how typical the Christmas miracle can easily write it's way into our regular holiday preparations. Emmanuel, friends... that God would choose to come to us blows my mind. Us... dude... us!!! And that God would stoop from all His glory and righteousness to save our sorry selves. Praise be to God for surely we don't deserve it.
Attached are the following lyrics that have touched my heart on this morning and many mornings previous. It's so powerful. Hey and if you want to borrow the CD from me I'd be more than happy to loan it to you (even way out in Iowa if you want to borrow it, Renee).


"God with Us" by MercyMe

Who are we that You would be mindful of us?
What do You see that's worth looking our way?
We are free in ways that we never should be.
Sweet release from the grip of these chains.

Like hinges straining from the weight,
My heart no longer can keep from singing...


All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified:
Emmanuel!
God with us!
My heart sings a brand new song.
The debt is paid, these chains are gone.
Emmanuel!
God with us!

Lord, You know our hearts don't deserve Your glory;
Still You show a love we cannot afford.

Like hinges straining from the weight,
My heart no longer can keep from singing...


All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified:
Emmanuel!
God with us!
My heart sings a brand new song.
The debt is paid, these chains are gone.
Emmanuel!
God with us!

Compared to Calvary;
Nevertheless,
We lay it at Your feet.
Such a tiny offering
Compared to Calvary;
Nevertheless,
We lay it at Your feet.>


All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified:
Emmanuel!
God with us!
My heart sings a brand new song.
The debt is paid, these chains are gone.
Emmanuel!!!
God with us!!!


***Click on the link to hear an excerpt of the song (you have to pick "God with Us" from the selection list). "God with us" soundbite.

In a half hour

Never underestimate the peace in a quiet half hour to catch yourself and pull it all together. And never underestimate the joy in being kicked for that half hour as a reminder that despite the stresses, there is coming a joy that cannot be put to words. Never underestimate the peace that comes from a silent cry to our Lord for patience and words.

God is good. All the time.
And all the time. God is good.

Even when we can't see how these pieces are going to fit together.


Thanks to those who listened and sent their phone-mailed hugs yesterday.


... one step at a time... one step at a time...

and soon I can look behind and see how I've gotten there one step at a time...

Imbalance

So friends, I'm going to be honest here. This past week at work has been hard. I've stayed late at work nearly every day of this past week. And on Friday I put in an 11 hour day. While this proved to move the week through quite quickly, exchanging time with my husband for no addition to my paycheck is difficult for me. Friday hit a bit hard since baby and I didn't get anything close to a good eating schedule in light of the craziness of work. And that poor eating schedule mixed with sheer exhaustion contributed to an early Saturday morning sickness episode. Odd how when your body needs nutrition you can't seem to keep it down. I met my match this past week. And I guess the thing that makes it harder is that I'm not very assured that this new standard of "staying late" to complete the new paperwork requirements is going anywhere anytime soon. As one who likes to give their best and their all, it's a frustration to leave projects unfinished. But I must admit that my limit has been altered over these past months. The conflict between the standard that I used to be able to hold and the standard that I can now hold is a bit frustrating at times. But I am reminding myself again and again that I am now making decisions for more than just myself.

Either way, I just wanted to share the honesty of the struggle between loving a husband with all your efforts and the desire to dive directly into bed at the end of each day. I'm sure many of these seasoned moms and wives have felt the similar strain of helping provide and love their family as Christ asks. It just begins to concern me regarding caring for my family and keeping this current job in light of last week's (the past few weeks) requirements and the fact that baby is fairly easy to care for right now. The struggle is hard and real some days. But i am so blessed to have a weekend to live my real priorities before entering back into the grind of things.

Love your family and sacrifice accordingly. Even when the going is tough.

Big Dog Avenue

The other week I looked out the window and saw our dog dragging a 6-foot tree branch across our yard. Let's just face it friends, our dog is cool. And Matt was right, no dachshund could accomplish such yard organization.

We need to invest in the "Our dog could eat your preschooler" bumper sticker of pride.


"Where's the dog?" I questioned realising I had not seen her in a while.
"I don't know." Matt's response rose from the intense computerized poker game.
- silence-
"Maybe outside?" he suggested.
(laugh) "Did you put her out there?" I questioned.
"I don't know." came a distracted response.
-silence-
..."It sounds like something I'd do."

Quicky

"Did You get bigger?" My pregnant co-worker asked me today as I sprawled out on her couch for a minute. "You look like you swallowed a basketball!"

Guess it's time for another prego shot for the records. (And mainly for Renee and Aunt Yvonne.)


Today's Cool Thought:
Most women have to drop their babies off at day-care to put in an 8-hour shift. Mine just comes along, doesn't cry and is always well-fed and changed. (At least for a few more months.)

=)

Dakota. Rain. Fall.

Well it's been a week and she's been quite tolerant of my extra lovings (in fact I think she likes it all the more). I do miss Cheddar, but I had closure so that really helps. I haven't cried in a week. But I'm no longer concerned about crying. (yes, Robin... I did just say that.) I just take it as it comes. Oh but did I mention that I missed him cause I do.

For the past two mornings I've woken up before my alarm clock and felt semi-rested. Jackie, a friend, has been having contractions just not close enough together yet to bring their daughter into the world. She's hoping come Sunday (her deceased mother's birthday) she'll have a good reason not to be sitting in the familiar pews. I'm looking forward to her and her family's new addition. "This'll be you in a few months," she has said throughout this journey. She's such a sweet woman and her husband could not be more thrilled about the upcoming birth of his fourth little girl.

Things have just been trucking along here. I've been doing more cooking and my end of the deal when it comes to loading the dishwasher (trying to put on the illusion that we're trying around here). Matt and I bathed the puppy last night so this morning she is good and squeaky clean and soft... for the morning rain that she refuses to pee in.

Rain seems fitting today. I welcome the mellowness it brings.

I was talking to the baby yesterday while in the car (yes, I look crazy). I had forgotten that the baby could hear the outside world for a few weeks and figured I'd flex the insanity to say "I love you." Opened my eyes a little more to a reality that Matt and I are going to be riding in a few months. Family has taken on so much in trying to plan to care for someone we've never known and yet have always known how to care for. Again, it's like a huge guessing game and little one hasn't even showed their face yet. We're so excited at the idea of ruining another's life (just kidding). But it still feels surreal sometimes, despite the strong kicks, flips, and protruding belly.

Fall has arrived. Thanks be to God. how I love the fall. The nip has returned to the air. Pumpkin this, pumpkin that and the fall festivities are in full float. Corn mazes and all. I just love the fall. I can't explain it. It's just so awesome even though we don't really participate in the typical fall activities too frequently. It's just such a wonderful season of beautiful death (I'm talking about the leaves here). =) Yes, indeed, fall is to be thankful for. (Thankful enough to end a sentence in a preposition. - that one's for Robin.)

Okay... better finish rambling and get ready for another "office day" filled with "office stuff" and then real life can happen. =)

Enjoy your day today, all.

Wrap Up/ Thinkings

I got a chance to do some cooking last night. It was nothing special and I'm sure it tasted likewise. But it was neat, nonetheless, to feel like I was contributing to my family in a way that I enjoy without time restraints. We had a bit of a later dinner and my potatoes/creme of mushroom/shredded cheese was of no great hooplah, but again, it was nice to serve Matt and our little baby with a home-made treat.

I've really enjoyed spending time with Matt lately. He was singing Dancing Queen to Dakota the other night. It's surprising how much life he is able to find in between his sniffles and nose-blowings. That's right... we're catching the sick bug around here.

I've been thinking a lot about family and have found a new level of "us" in thinking about how to best serve my family. That's right, this selfish thing is thinking of actually helping out more. Don't get your hope up too much, world, I'm sure it'll fade in a week (just teasing).

Thank you to all whom have called to check-up on me and share your love. I am so blessed by all you caring people (Robin, Jenney, Lydia, Renee, Pastor, Aunt Yvonne, Mom, Dad, Amanda, Jes, and anyone else that this clogged mind fails to mention that is no longer going to ever peak to me again for not putting their name in this entry).

Enjoying normalcy as it becomes a new kind of normalcy. Saturday Matt and I get to play chauffeur for Sarah and her boyfriend, Dexter as they travel to their first homecoming dance. I'm excited to get the chance to ride sidesaddle as Matt schmoozes them and parades about. Maybe I can even steal Jenney's camera and get a few pics of the joy. It still makes me smile to think that Sarah asked Matt to chaperon them and transport them. That's right... Matt made the cool charts again! (Insert "Dancing Queen" chorus)

Enjoy the weekend all ye people of cyberville. And I hope you all find the joy in normalcy.

God bless.

Changing Seasons

This morning at 9:30am Cheddar took his last breath as he was put to sleep. My daddy was there with me to give and receive my sweet furry. And while there is a hurt in knowing that his lifeless body awaits his burial when Matt gets home tonight in it's shoe box, there is this sweet peace that I did all that I could do for him. That we did all that we could do for him.

The house is quite quiet today. But Dakota provides good company, especially for this "not a dog person." The game of fetch has provided much comfort and her movement about the house has helped me a lot. Makes me want to hug her a little closer sometimes.

I miss him. But there is a strange normalcy in this lack thereof. Seasons are changing. The leaves turning colors and the air a bit crisp today.

The wind welcomes my thoughts as I sit on the rusty rocker outside. Dakota running about the yard. And there has been much to think of, and a few good friends to talk to on the inconsistent volume of our land-line. Grocery shopping to be done. The familiar kicks from inside. And the thoughts of how much these seasons really are changing. And how much they have already changed. I said goodbye to my furry today and have cried a few times missing him. But again there's this weird reminder that nothing that I expected is anything like I expected. And for the first time in a while I am reminded yet again that I have no idea what spring will bring, not even the consistency of the flowers.

Family has taken on new meaning over the past week. Priorities anew. And there's this odd feeling of choice in and amongst the chaos.

Seasons are changing. And Dakota and I are going to go outside to watch. What we're looking for, I'm not sure. But watch we must. For tomorrow it may all be different.

saying goodbye.

just the words in the title brought a stream of tears. it's hard to say goodbye to a purr, a meow and a constant game of follow-the-leader. it's hard to hold his body in your hands and know that you can't do anything more for him. it's hard to think of not coming home to the jingle of his bell down the hallway as he runs meowing to greet you. dear friends, this is really hard for me. this is really hard.

matt and i made a very tear-jerking decision today to let go of my cheddar. we can't do anything more to help him. we can't do anything more to heal his worn out body. and no more improvements are being made in his health. so with runny nose and tears streaming i will be picking up my kitty, my furry from the vet. i couldn't possibly live with myself if i had left him there to die in pain when we brought him in for his last diagnosis and examination. so all afternoon the medical staff has been pumping the urine from my kitty for the last time. and they will send home some pain medications which i will administer tomorrow every four to six hours to keep him comfortable as i say goodbye. i really can't bear to think of not hearing his purr anymore or feeling his sweet little head-butting, begging for a good petting.

and i will be honest, dear friends, this sweet little kitty is going to be very hard for me to let go of. yes, he's just a pet but that fact doesn't make this any easier.

matt left for the Michigan funeral today at 3 something. i wanted to go, but i was needed here.

[break for the evening]

the evening went fairly well despite the circumstances. Robin came over for a few hours witnessing Cheddar's last peak and most movement. we just sat on the couch talking about life. toward the end of her stay Cheddar started to get worse, me realising that he wasn't blinking. Jenney came over a half hour after Robin. Jenney did well with Cheddar in light of his failing health. we just talked and monitored. and gave pain pills. and talked. and then the vomiting began again. and i knew it was going to be a long night. i prayed that God would just take him then.

at 1am my alarm went off and i gave him another dose of pain meds. his breathing now hard to decipher, his breaths so shallow. but sporadic movement of his head when i sat down with him. i coaxed the med down. i just don't want him to be in pain in his last few breaths. 5:30am came evidence of more vomiting, attempts to clean him up a bit, more meds, and even shallower breathing. i couldn't feel his breathing to the touch and yet a surveillance of his body and some movement revealed that he was still a shell of the cat i knew. i counted out the pills and i have enough to get him through tonight after matt comes home around 10-11pm. so he'll be able to be medicated until thursday morning when we are able to go put him down. i just can't muster up the strength yet to drive myself there to drop him off without matt. i know i wouldn't be able to drive home. but the thought has crossed my mind to have a friend drive me.

but really i have hit a point of peace about Cheddar going. each time that i hold his frail body i just pray that he will give up. i want him to be painless. but a fighter he persists. and i'll keep the 4-5 hour medicine doses until he either gives up or we can get him in to put him to sleep.

today's going to be a long day. and i really wish matt were here to walk me through it, but i wish him to be at the funeral more. i wish him to be walking his dad through saying goodbye to his dad's brother more. and i am blessed that despite being apart from him, God is giving me such a peace and a strength during these hard last few hours and this upcoming day. i love how God delivers when we haven't even asked. and i trust his perfect timing with Cheddar's departure.

i'm going to go take another nap and again pray that my sweet kitty, my little furry is able to close his eyes without my prompting and go to sleep without intention of waking. i love him so dearly and i just want him to be at rest. that's best for him right now. and even though i would love for "best" to be defined as a healthy cat, i am not to definer. i am just trying to provide as much comfort as i possibly can.

love you, Cheddar. i have already missed you and i'm sure that's not going to go away for a while. but i just want you not to have to fight anymore. i did what i thought was best. and what i thought was most humane with what we could do. love you. goodbye.

sad sunday.

The funeral's been bounced to Wednesday because the family decided to cremate Mike. Therefore, Matt and I came home from Michigan on Sunday. But what we found was sad. Cheddar was lethargic, weak (shaky legs), painful to the touch, meowing weakly, and unable to keep down water. With the wheezy cough that sounded like potentially water in his lungs, Matt and I headed to the Emergency Vet Clinic. Long story short, $300, about 2 hours, a catheter and a removed plug later and Cheddar was on his way home. He had a blocked urethra (mucus clump between his bladder and the outside world) and therefore his bladder was filling up with water and nothing was coming out. Apparently his bladder was solidifying causing the painful touch, vomiting of water, dehydration, and general weakness. So today Cheddar is napping on the bathroom floor, still with a chancy stomach but at least he's showing increasing signs of perkiness. He's a bit of a sight for sore eyes, but he's moving around about every half hour or so which is a huge improvement over this morning's life-drained mass on the bathroom mat. And he's opening his eyes more and willfully choosing to drink water. We'll see if he keeps down the treat that I force-fed him a few minutes ago (he hasn't eaten in probably about 36 hours and refused even the smell of food but still remains quite weak). And if you get really close, despite his sickly mute status, you can hear his deflated purr as you pet his frail body.

I just love the sound of that purr.

A Wedding and a Funeral

There is nothing like a purry furry in your arms at 6 in the morning.

Yesterday was a long 11 hour day at work and there is still paperwork awaiting my attention. Matt and i got a phone call at 10ish last night. Matt's Uncle Mike whom we were rearranging our schedule to go visit on Sunday had died within the hour. The paramedics were still at his Michigan house when we received the news. "I think this is going to hit Dad hard," Matt said after laying on the bed in silence for a while. Mike had recently been diagnosed with cancer which had spread rapidly to his pancreas. But Mike was in denial and refused treatment despite the 6 month time-frame. And then he had a stroke yesterday and still refused treatment. But it doesn't make him any less of a person, his stubbornness. And it's going to be a hard funeral for many family members who can't say with assurance that "He's in a better place." And that's hard.

Saturday we are going to Michigan for Matt's cousin's wedding. We're traveling with Ellen and Ron and Bekah and Sarah all packed into a van. Can we say family road trip? But in light of last night's news it looks like we'll be staying in Michigan at least until Monday for the funeral. And work had better let me off. ESPECIALLY after my 9 hour day Wednesday, 11 hour day Thursday and soon to be 9 hour day today.

I'm getting my little sister, Sarah, today so she can go to the movies with the youth tonight. I love seeing Sarah. She's a sweetheart. Last night she called Matt with a dilemma that her boyfriend was not "of age" to go to homecoming. I love her honesty in saying that she'd love to just lie about his age. But I trust that she will do the right thing in asking the homecoming adults if her boyfriend can go due to his homeschooling status. Hopefully they will cut her some slack. If not, Matt and I offered to take the two of them out to dinner (of course Matt and I sitting in a booth over or whatever). I just love that girl and her boyfriend is quite sweet too. Their innocence is so much fun to encourage and support.

Wednesday night I was given a few shirts from a new friend. Lydia's a house-mom of three kids (one 7th, 5th and 4th grader). It was so wonderful to hear her heart for her family. Hard times are coming for their family or at least times of hard transition. And it was really comforting to see a new friend continuing to fight for the most important thing entrusted to her - her family. I'm honored to wear the tee-shirts she has given me. It reminds me of a strong woman who gets it when it comes to loving a family.

Anyway, that's been us for the past few days... overworked, underpaid, and trying to be a good family to others.

In more random news I had a dream last night that Renee was pregnant. And the night before I had a dream that an old high school friend of mine (the pastor's kid) had a biracial baby outside of wedlock. I'll attribute both dreams to extra hormones. And then I sat on Dakota's paw last night while on the couch. She hollered initially and then dragged on her injury like the world was falling apart. There was this break in the initial pain and then this continuation of the drama as I gave her lovings. That dog is hilarious. You should come see her. (One at a time please.) =)

Not sure when I'll get a chance to update any time in the next few days. But I'll be back to keep you all posted on the wonderful life of the (announcer voice) "Associate Pastor Posse". - Baby's says 'kick'!

Ailment Leftovers

Alas, the low iron returns. Had the low iron effect a while back before pregnancy, but now it's choosing to return. So iron supplements and orange juice are added to the prenatals and for one who doesn't like popping the pills... it's all for the baby. I came to the realization this morning after nearly losing my prenatal vitamin that I haven't missed a single day of prenatals in 6 months. That's right, I know you're jealous of these skills. Mom also informed me that with the addition of iron to my vitamin drug use (hehe) I will have another added feature that will return from trimester 1's joys. Bummer, dude. Real bummer. But I still have some left over fibercon. As for the poison-ivy type rash on my stomach it appears to have faded to a nice scar that occasionally jumps into remission (requiring an oatmeal soak). And the baby has picked up the fine art of kicking my large intestine with brute force causing that four-year-old "I'm about to go in my pants" sensation along with the more frequent bladder assaults. So to sum it all up... baby appears to be doing quite well and getting all that it needs. Me on the other hand... I'm getting the leftovers. =) - There's surprising joy in the leftovers sometimes.-

my Cheddar

I just love him so much. I can't help it.

Niagara Falls - one last look

a concern now ended

During pregnancy you're not supposed to have blood in your urine. Signs of blood in your urine? Tinged-red urine. One of the combined signs of miscarriage? Tinged-red urine that doesn't go away and cramps. Last night while hanging out with Robin, my urine was tinged red and I had a cramp (which could be attributed to other things). After calling the on-call doctor and answering a few more questions regarding other miscarriage signs, I was told not to worry (it's not like freaking your body out will help any), drink more fluids, and take it easy. If the tinged urine persisted in the morning then I should call the doctor and report to the hospital for a urine sampling. So Robin and I watched a few CSI episodes on television (yeah electricity) and surfed to "What not to Wear" during the stupid parts of CSI and the commercials, vetoing our other Friday night plans for a night of couch sitting and drinking water and milk. And I just prayed with Robin, "God, take care of your baby please," trusting that God's way is best for my life. He knows my heart and He heard it laying the baby in His hands again today.
And my urine returned to it's yellow color later that night.

At 24 weeks a baby can be delivered with a 60-70% chance of survival. Prior to 24 weeks (6 months) the odds are not as favorable. I will be 24 weeks on Sunday. But it looks like this one is quite comfortable right where it is. And for that I am blessed.

(24 weeks)

Thank you, God, for being in control.... thank you.

Light Hath Come

Thursday night Matt and I went over to the office behind our house to microwave some soup/ravioli for dinner and watch "the Family Man" (love that movie) on my laptop from the semi-comfortable choir/Sunday School chairs in Matt's office. As I walked back to the dark house Matt, driving ahead (since he was carting all the stuff) jumped out of the car and yelled across the parking lot, "We have power". I took off running across the parking lot toward the house. There was nothing as sweet as the sight of all our windows and blinds exposed and beaming with electricity. The smile could not be wiped from my face until sleep took it 10 minutes later. So, dear friends, at 9 something, but really at 10:30 Matt and my blackout was ended. And the light has been absolutely wonderful since.

A Little Tired

The blackout continues for this household while 100 feet behind us still has sturdy power and I think I saw a kitchen light on in my neighbor's house. Part of me yearns to be awoken at 3am to 60-watt floodlights and a ceiling fan. But Matt's words, "I don't think there are really that many people working the third shift to repair power," seem to hold some truth. I'm trying not to be complain-y and ungrateful. I mean come on, Matt and I have running water and a roof. But it does make it a bit harder to be grateful while standing in the darkness and missing essential clean-clothes items. My creativity is starting to drain as I am finding less nutrition in those microwaveables, I ate half a less-fresh yogurt for breakfast that was "saved" from our power outage, work presses on, and the night's rest seem less and less satisfying with varying temperatures, church emergency exterior lights waking me up (have to crack the blinds to keep from overheating) and my white-noise fan silenced. Matt's also getting behind in his school work. Again, I'm trying not to be complain-y and ungrateful, but as I skim over the words I just wrote I'm not sure if I was able to accomplish such. Let me tell you one thing that is nice that happened as a result of the blackout: Matt and I got a chance to spend unexpected time with his family, mine and a good friend's family for mealtime and candle-lit fun. Last night we were even spoiled by the taste of electricity when we went to a friend's in-law's home for taco night. (Matt even got to play video games.) So really things could be much worse. It's just that the joy of playing survivor is starting to wear off a bit. I keep waiting in eager anticipation of Matt's phone call reporting that the ban has been lifted. Oh what a joyous day that will be.

Hope the rest of you out there are coping well with the blackout.

And I also hope the rest of you out there with electricity are appreciative of that blessing.

Blackout

We got our piece of Ike and I am grateful that it wasn't the same piece others have received. I mean can you even imagine being stranded for who knows how long while water recedes from your living room? It brings back pictures of New Orleans disaster relief to my head. All the mud, all the mildew, all the lost memories.

Sunday at 2:30 or 3pm or maybe it was 3:30pm (can you tell I was about to fall asleep on the couch) our power went out. It had been a wonderfully windy day with gusts of wind that tore the American flag from it's pole and broke tree branches in our backyard. But other than laughing in the pulsing wind gusts, Matt and I were fairly unscathed until the power cut. So we did what any sane person would do... we took a nap and then went for a walk in the crazy weather. But we weren't prepared for turning the corner of the block. Trees down, power lines down and everywhere you looked neighbors were on porches to avoid the dark. Some of the youth were sitting on a skateboard with a huge tarp-kite harnessing the wind for riding power. Dakota scurried like a psycho, smelling every tree branch as we surveyed the damage. Trees hit houses and cars.

Today the trees are mostly cleared and the new hype of this morning is that a few more traffic lights were blinking on the main drag to the highway than the past few days. But our blackout continues. We are blessed that the church office has power so we were able to move our fridge and freezer items to the cold of the office fridge. So yeah for actually having food! Matt also was able to get his paper finished and sent off to Kentucky, utilizing the much-needed Internet connection in the office. But the same routine happens each night after the sun goes down... Matt and I light our 7 candles and stare at the wall... bored. But it's cool. The blackout has given us some fond memories like sitting on the couch going stir-crazy because our cars were trapped in our garage. Or there's the candle-lit games with Matt's siblings and the laying on the couch with 3 candles lit listening to the school closings and rejoicing with the kids. And then there was last night and the cooking of every meat Mom and Dad had left in their freezer via the grill and the candle lit feast down south. Yeah for creativity! Oh and then don't forget the candle-lit showers in the mornings. Those are nice (shut up Matt).

So, in all it really could be a lot worse for us. Work has electricity (go figure) so at least I'm getting caught up on paperwork since I have no afternoon off-site school groups to run (schools are shut). But the reports do say that it could take til the end of the week to restore all power. So, I wonder what other joys this week will bring along the trail of darkness. Who knows? We may even get desperate enough to bring our taco meat down to our friends down the street and share in their gas-stove goodness!

Until the power is restored or work continues in it's slowness... "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...."

Behind a Hazel.

There are days that my temper runs too short. There are days when my stubbornness kicks in too strong... for the wrong reasons. There are days when my world is tipped and anyone trying to fix it is in threat of losing an eye. Have you ever had those days? It’s in those days that I am grateful that I am walking in his footsteps. His gentleness in guidance and his wisdom through love rope me back in without need for correcting words. He just trusts. And he just waits.

There are days that I feel like I could fly. Nothing can hold my wings captive any longer. Nothing can stop the breeze from carrying me. Have you ever had those days? I’m grateful that I am walking in his footsteps those days too. His supporting smiles entertain my artistic whims. His dreamer’s heart leaps at the chance to run beside me before take-off. And his practical logic keep me grounded until the air’s clear. He just trusts. And he flys with.

There are days that I just want to crawl into a hole. Maybe today the world will end. Maybe today I’ll not be seen. And the weight of this life wears on my back. The day too long and the night too short. Have you ever had those days? In those days I am grateful that I’m walking in his footsteps. He just sits beside. He abandons words. He suggests a walk knowing it’s a silent one. His arms extended. He just trusts. And he just listens.

Oh he’s not perfect. Sometimes he gets them mixed up. Sometimes the signs are confusing to read, my signals unclear. But he always tries, even when he’s tired. And I find through his example that I just trust. And I just wait. And I fly with. And I just listen. It’s in these days that I am grateful that I am walking in his footsteps. His patience is something to be admired, but he’d be the first to brush it off as “how he should act,” passing the compliment to another. But I must tell you that it is so much nicer walking in His footsteps when I am walking in his. Just look in his eyes sometime. I wonder how those eyes can carry so much... masked behind a hazel.

I love him. My best friend.

mom-instinct

Everyone looks for that perfect job. You know, the one that allows you to keep putting that scoop or two of food in the dog bowl and have enough time to complete the dishes once you get home. That one job that fits your family needs. That one job where the work environment is just tolerable enough that keeping your mouth shut and laying low works well. Looking for that one job where experience overcomes new bosses and opinions are weighed heavily no matter the extent of your degree. And we all keep looking… and hoping… until we find something that’ll “work for now until something else comes up.”

This week has been a bit hard on me. I started the week missing Matt. Our puppy got sick and that mom-instinct in me kicked in. I didn’t want to be at work and think of that sick puppy at home just waiting for her vet trip. You should have seen that big dog with her tail between her legs shaking in her cage when I got up Tuesday morning. Poor thing. And those two events combined have kind of hit me harder than I thought they would. See, I’ve missed Matt before. There have been days that I just flat out don’t want to go to work because I want to see my husband. I think, “Everyone else got to see him, but he’s mine and I want to get my share.” Monday night date nights help.

Transition is occurring at work and it’s leaving me a bit high and dry. I’ve been putting in the work for 2 jobs and I don’t see an end to this phenomenon. I’m trying to remain hopeful. Baby’s taken a growth spurt and begun to stick out more and more with each passing morning. Work people are noticing and commenting regularly. But the kids at work remain in the same intensity level, requiring running down the hallway, dragging screaming 5 and 6 year olds, and absorbing some blows here and there.

Things have changed a bit since I was first told I was taking full responsibility of the older class. I have grown a bit (as mentioned before) and this week it has become much more evident to me that I am no longer risking just my neck. See, I can take a blow from a 6 year old. I’ve taken them before and I’ll take them again before this life is over. But I can only do so much to defend this baby. Our baby. My baby.

I mentioned my concern in staff meeting yesterday regarding some highly aggressive kids and my continued growing state. Administration offered a temporary fix for which I was grateful that anything at all had been done. But the topic was concluded with the strong statement that this was merely a temporary fix until this transition was smoothed over. Only problem is that these kids aren’t leaving any time soon… and I’m not going on leave until January. So it makes me a bit more concerned about this baby’s safety, especially since this baby’s mine. If I don’t look out for it while I’m carrying it (and thereafter) no one else will. Matt can only do so much to keep our baby safe when it’s in my belly.

I don’t know… this week’s just been a little hard in that my priorities are very much elsewhere. And the balance of work and my family’s welfare seems to be a little tainted this week.

sigh

What's In a Name?

Welp, my friends, for those of you who have been asking (nonstop) Matt and I had our first real name conversation last night. No one left in tears. No one' feelings were hurt. No one brought baggage into or out of the conversation. There was absolutely no expectation of landing on a name last night, just brainstorming. I think I'm going to keep our brainstormed list on the fridge. We'll just keep adding as we go along.

We came up with a list of six or so girl names and boys names... three. We struggled a bit more in boys names off the cuff. And do you know what? The conversation was kinda funny as Obediah and Habakkuk were tossed in. And we landed on a great gender-neutral name... Bleppo!

But it is funny that other people seem to be stressing out more about Matt and I having a name conversation and finding out the gender of our baby than we would ever dream of stressing. It's hilarious to watch the faces of these overly-stressed people and get the endless advice. It's as if 4.5 months has turned into days in their eyes. We've got some time here folks. And I'm sure with our list of names that we look at and think about occasionally, one of those names will pop out and stick at some point... maybe even on the way to the hospital in between contractions. =P

But anyway, we came up with some really cute girl's names and some "eh, they're okay" boy's names. So we need a bit of work in the boys names category. We haven't even attempted the realm of middle names. That I'm looking forward to having fun with. No, Bleppo won't be in there. But middle names can be opportunities to pass on heritages and history, even if for some reason our society teaches people to be ashamed of their middle names. (Who knows why?)

Anyway, enough rambling today. We have a Sunday School Corral and festivities today that should last from 9:30am to 4 or 5pm. Matt and I are stoked... our sixth graders are coming up today. We're gonna go get donuts and all kinds of fun (not to mention the 8 foot ranch gateway that has appeared in our side yard as church decoration). It should be an afternoon filled with gunny-sack races, ice cream, pot-luck lunch, and so many more things. I gotta tell you, it's really quite fun to be in a small church that still enjoys the simple pleasures of hours of eating contests and festival joys.

Oh and also, I am now officially 22 weeks pregnant. Shhhh, don't tell the baby that they have built more strength for those kicks and punches. =) It's actually quite fun to feel and pretty soon Matt will be able to feel them from the outside too. What else does 22 weeks mean? It means baby can hear us now, is sensitive to light (so putting a flashlight on my belly can cause movement) and that baby is now 1lb in weight and about the size of a small baby doll (8 inches). Kinda fun, huh? So now the talk that Matt does to my belly can be heard, the dog barking, my music selection, my heartbeat, and much more fun. I personally think that's kinda cool. Oh and baby's sense of touch is also now developed so sucking thumbs/fingers and yanking on that umbilical cord are daily priorities. Again, kinda cool. (Thanks again, Renee for the book.)

Have a great Sunday, all!

Fleas, Freeness, and Navals

Flea Bath Friday. That's right, folks, we attempted the first bathing of our big dog. And with splattered walls, Matt's drenched t-shirt, soap all over my legs and water all over the floor that poochie is still biting those fleas. Oh well... we tried. And it was perty fun too. Dakota kept turning backward and trying to sneak her back legs out of the tub. hehe. Silly dog. We had fun.

In other news, Matt and I got the privilege of having a Saturday off. It will be the only Saturday off for the next month to month and a half. I was so excited to get the opportunity to sleep in that I fell asleep on the couch at 9:30p. So here I am.. fully awake since 5am. Oh well... that's life!

Oh and for those of you who care and will probably never see (because of modesty issues), my naval is beginning to stretch out and is getting closer to flatness at this point. Kinda funky, friends, for one who has an innie.

Ok, enough anatomy. I think I'm going to head over next door to play the piano for a while. Afterall, I have a whoppin 2 or so hours to kill until Matt even thinks of opening an eye.

Happy Saturday all.

Defining Steps

I just woke up from this funky dream. I was at my High School graduation with some familiar High School faces. But my best friend, Robin, was there... thrilled as anything to be finished with her college degree and walking at our graduation. My sister was there... in the same boat as Robin. And in some instances of the dream I was at a High School graduation and in other instances I was at a college graduation. Those are dreams for you. But there was a sort of point to this one. All throughout the dream I was caught in this feeling of "this is the last big thing I will do in my life... it all ends here. All my dreams end here."

I never walked at my college graduation. And I really don't regret that fact. I didn't want to graduate, get a job and then come back from my job one weekend to walk at my college graduation. It seemed a bit backward to me and due to my internship falling through in the first quarter of my senior year, I was bumped into a 4 yr and one quarter graduate candidate. So I missed the graduation with my classmates who I took all my classes with and with whom I completed my entrance into the Social Work department. A bummer initially, not because I had any special bond with those people, but just the sheer feeling of overcoming what we all thought would overcome us would have been nice to walk acknowledging. But to walk by myself? And two-three months after I had completed school and moved on in life? neh.

Nothing, though my dear friends, could express the amount of pride that I had for my husband as he was handed his (mock) BA diploma and I sat 2 months pregnant about 100 feet away. I was so thrilled for him. What an accomplishment!!! And with his completion of his undergrad we were tossed into the second and final phase of his pastoral education degree. It was SO exciting and still is here at semester one of Matt's seminary degree.

I knew at the completion of my college degree that I would never be back to pursue my Masters. There are Masters people and then there's me... satisfied with a bachelor's degree. A waste? It is often implied through co-workers who hear of Matt and my family goals. Oh and you should have seen my professor/counselor's face when I notified her that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and it was Matt and my choice for likewise. Oh how she tried to alter my thoughts to the business world. The fact is that some are cut out for the business world and others just aren't. Am I giving up on my education? Absolutely not... I'm using it in the way that best fits our family.

I got a change to walk and talk to a sweet friend of mine last night. It was neat to hear of her family plans and agree with her that the politics of the working field are quite frustrating when you just want to serve the population. We spoke of how tricky and obnoxious it can be to try to avoid all the work-drama and power-hungry bosses in order to have a smile for a client. And it was fascinating to think of how much and how quickly life came at this wonderful woman. It was funny how the prestigious college pride of "no one can do anything without a college degree" has been overturned in the life of many families. I am appreciative of my degree because it's enabling Matt and I to get good insurance coverage for this little one's entrance into our arms. And I have overall enjoyed working with the populations. But when it comes down to it, a job is just a job to me. Yes, I want to work with a needy population.. one needing more than just fries and a drink. But throughout the day my heart yearns for my family and my home... not a longer day at work or one more client. When I'm at work, I do work. But that drive away from the office has never felt more freeing. My job is just my job, it doesn't even come close to defining me. And at some point my job will change beyond this transition into motherhood to a full-time stay-at-home job that I can say has much more bearing on who I define myself to be. Some time soon... some time soon...

What parts of your life do you think defines you?

A Few More

I wanted to post these just because I like to look at people's pictures on their blogs so much that I figured you might like it too.

a favorite place

playing with a fly together

just cause I was thinking about him this morning

Alright, I'm getting kicked - that's my breakfast alarm. =)

Notice

Attention: Mr. Charles Horse

It has been brought to the attention of maintenance and management that you have been residing in the Right Calf Building with violation of our building codes. Neighbors have made complaints of a physical altercation that occurred on Tuesday, the second day of September in the year of two thousand and eight at the hour of five o'clock in the A.M. Officer Calcium reported having given forewarning of the consequences of any such altercation the previous night at ten o'clock in the P.M. Officer Flex also reported of his attempts to settle the altercation, but the lasting tension resulting from the altercation has continued to plague neighbors in the building. It is, therefore, in violation of the building code rules of keeping the peace and working in harmony that management has regretfully given this notice. Unfortunately, in light of the severity of this physical altercation and the unresponsiveness to correctional forces, it is on this day, Tuesday, the second day of September in the two thousand and eighth year that you are receiving this eviction notice. Your belongings are to be collected at the front of the property by noon today and any soreness or damages left behind will be billed as outstanding charges. Any noncooperation with this immediate eviction will result in further legal actions.

- Management #011985

Cat Person in Big Dog World

So I am a cat person. I confess, I confess. And to me dogs can be good and less good. Our dog wavers between the two sometimes depending on if it's tolerating the cat or not. See, I really like that Dakota is potty trained, listens pretty well (unless she chooses not to), and has not made it a constant habit of chasing Cheddar. These are good redeeming qualities. But this cat person is still alarmed by the sheer volume of our dog, the puppy-impulsivity, the big slobbery tongue that always seems to migrate toward your face, and a few other typical dog things. Are these things atypical of a dog? Heavens no. But for a cat person they take a little getting used to. But I think Dakota will soon learn that her best friend is Matt and her other caregiver is me. Don't get me wrong, people, I really care about this dog. I'll stand in that backyard and watch the dog pee because she whines when I leave her out there first thing in the morning. I'll do the work, the whatever it take. But deep inside of me I have and will always be a cat person. And my husband? a dog person. So now our family is pet complete. =)

Regardless of my stance on dogs and cats, though, you can't help but agree that we did get a really cute dog. And she really does have her shining moments (like right now as she calmly lays at my feet). New things we are trying to teach her: "settle" - not to be psycho in the house (we're actually limiting chasing games and rough-housing to the backyard because we don't want any confusion when baby comes), "sit" and "lay" - how to listen to us say them and then do them, "stay" - she really has a tough time with this one, and in general the lay of the land when it comes to this home. So far she's not doing too bad. Some moments are better than others for me and her alike. And when it comes down to it, I have to remember that Cheddar as a kitten used to pee and poop in unwanted areas, attack the dishes at night, refuse to be touched, howl at the door and head-butt it, and other less than desirable things. But look at how far he's come. That's hope for Dakota right there.

Cheddar's good when he's at eye level, but the floor's a different world

a favorite position

Niagara Falls

Vacation was wonderful. The falls were beautiful. Time away was marvelous.
There are so many pictures and stories, but I'll just do my best to sum it up quickly and nicely.

Matt and I went on our surprise Thursday night to Beauty and the Beast ( a dinner theatre) and had a wonderful time. We sang our favorite songs for the remainder of the weekend.
Friday I got off work earlier than expected and we were on the road by 11am. We got to Erie Pennsylvania by about 5pm, went swimming, ordered in Chinese Food (a tradition), and conked out. Saturday morning we headed to the Falls, went on a 5 hour tour of the Falls (complete with seeing some of the original rafts created by those who attempted to go over the falls), grabbed gyros and conked out. Sunday Matt and I recovered from the busy day before (primarily me), revisited some falls parts, found an Applebees (huge victory for we who were tired of tourist food), saw the Falls lit up and some fireworks, and conked out. Monday we made the treck home while leaving the best for last... crab legs at Red Lobster to celebrate our 1 yr anniversary.

Some vacation quirks and perks are the following:

• passing a car where the driver's foot was hanging out the driver side window (decreases confidence)


• Hollering random Greek words (mainly "Bleppo") during vacation - Matt had studying to do for an exam and I was "helping" by defining many vacation experiences by the three Greek words I know. And you know what? Not a single experience did I have trouble labeling a Greek word. I'm that good.
  
• foreign guy who knew as many English words as I know Greek offering to take our picture and then standing uncomfortably close to the falls and moving around a lot. You should see the picture, Matt and I look a bit intense and decided soon after not to let anyone else take our pictures.


• and many more that I will have to share at another time.

And last but not least... more pictures.

american bridal falls

lit up falls

For Renee

Bad picture model, but it'll have to suffice.

Fight or FIGHT

She paced around the backseat, restless from the middle of the drive. And then I looked in the rear-view mirror. And her ear and half of her face were pressed into Matt's cheek as Matt held her in a bear hug. She stayed there for five minutes and stopped whining. - Instant buddies.-

"Let me go in first, " we strategized, "and that way the first meeting isn't a husky running through the front door." I crept in to find my feline, purring and rubbing my legs.
"Oh buddy... how you're going to be horrified."
After a trip to the potty, I went back out to retrieve my husband and Dakota. Matt had found a neighbor to chat with and handed off Dakota to me. Since I consider myself to be of sound mind in most occasions, I decided to wait for the expertise of my husband before attempting the first meeting. With expectation of a hissing brawl followed by taring through the house and a dive under the box-spring, in we went. Matt had Dakota outside and I went inside first to find Cheddar wandering in the back of the house. With the normal routine of petting, he ran alongside of me as I walked from our room. "Buddy... you may want to go slower." He ran under the table for a second, doing the regular rounds, as I stepped outside. Then we all came in. And when Cheddar caught sight of Dakota the hair began to rise, the back hunched high, and the pupils got HUGE. He wouldn't take his eyes off of her as she pranced about the house on the leash. When she left the room with Matt, Cheddar followed, occasionally returning to me for reassurance through petting. But that brave little booger just kept right on following her down the hallway. But once we got to the hallway and she got too close.... HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
From then on, Cheddar backed himself into places (like under the table) and hissed at Dakota (which she interpreted as playing and bounced about) and Cheddar lunged at the dog 3 times his size. Flight was never an option in Cheddar's book. It was fight or FIGHT!

So now, nearing Monica's bedtime, Dakota finds herself "in bed" (her crate) and Cheddar is laying 3 feet away from her... in plain view.... just watching. With preparation to hunch up, hiss, and attack with little provoking.

Well, thus far no bloodshed. Now all we have to do is teach Cheddar not to lunge at Dakota and Dakota not to view Cheddar as a cheese-it. But as for today's work... Cheddar remains loving towards Matt and I. And Dakota hasn't outright attacked my kitty, so I'd consider it a success thus far.

We'll see about tomorrow...

Traveling Home

I can claim to be a cross-country, out of state (for 1 semester), out of city, out of town, and across the parking lot mover. And despite the fact that I’ve only moved a handful or so times, I have learned a few things about moving. #1. Home feels funny for a while. #2. Some friends trickle off. #3. Eventually “normal” catches back up. And #4. Moving is always done best with someone else as opposed to all alone.

I mention this now because normal is beginning to reform again in my life. Or in other words, Matt’s words, “It’s funny how quickly we adapt. Our apartment living seems so far away now even though we have only lived in the house for a month and a half.” When the word “home” is said, where do you think of? I think of the walk down our hallway (the direct center of our house). The feeling of the carpet on dirty bare feet. The sound of the AC and the water heater’s random outbursts. And I think of the kitty running beside you, reminding you of his level of starvation. The husband, waiting at the end of the hallway or in the office.

It’s that home that you look for after moving. It’s that home that you yearn for at the completion of vacation. It’s that home that you want at the end of the workday. It’s that home that I find myself randomly missing as the work day drags on. That space of “away.” That space of warmth and complete love for the weak and strong in you. It’s that home that we hope to bring this baby to. And soon, that this puppy will completely rearrange for a few weeks or so. It’s that home that Matt and I had a long conversation on the drive home about sharing with others. It’s that home. It could be anywhere.

But it’s home.

A Feast Attender

After this, Jesus went around in Galilee, purposely staying away from Judea because the Jews there were waiting to take his life. But when the Jewish Feast of Tabernacles was near, Jesus' brothers said to him, "You ought to leave here and go to Judea, so that your disciples may see the miracles you do. No one who wants to become a public figure acts in secret. Since you are doing these things, show yourself to the world." For even his own brothers did not believe in him. Therefore Jesus told them, "The right time for me has not yet come; for you any time is right. The world cannot hate you, but it hates me because I testify that what it does is evil. You go to the Feast. I am not yet going up to this Feast, because for me the right time has not yet come." Having said this, he stayed in Galilee. - John 7 : 1-9

I've been reading John lately in my quiet times. I enjoy a good bowl of cereal and John. John's theme regards the Deity of Christ. The all-knowing, fully God and fully man Christ. Prior to this passage Jesus had just fed the multitude the fish and loaves and explained his Deity and salvation to a Jewish leadership population who did not understand. These same Jewish leaders were seeking to kill Jesus due to his claiming of Deity.

As I read this passage, I wondered what Jesus was saying through the statement, "The right time for me has not yet come; for you any time is right. The world cannot hate you, but it hates me because I testify that what it does is evil." All I could think was the following: Jesus' brothers spoke in words of disbelief. Therefore, disbelief is not a threat to disbelief. But Jesus was such a threat because he made the defined line. Right and wrong. And those who stood on the wrong side stood with arrogance and frustration that they were "of Moses" despite the fact that "of Moses" failed to exist. Christ stated earlier in John that Moses condemned, but He came to save. See, the Law defines that all can't live up to it;s standard. Who has never hated another? Who has never kept from disrespecting their parents? Who has ever chosen their own good over another's? Yet Christ came preaching the Truth of that Law. And since it was not seen that the Law was a division, the division was attributed to Christ as well. Jesus came with a sword. But He didn't just leave with a sword, He left with availability, a torn veil, an open communication line.

Beyond those Truths, I wondered if the world would see me more as a threat because I live my life with clear definition of right and wrong... or if I could merely "go to the Feast" and blend in. Am I threat to the world? Or am I merely a product of a culture? Because no matter if you're "of Christ" or outside of Christ, it can be seen that Christ came not as a peacekeeper, but instead created a line of division that the world has been struggling with since his first coming. After all, aren't we supposed to be Christ-like in our behaviors? For what is Christianity without Christ?

- what do you think? -

Take Two.

Still thinking that looks uncomfortable. - even though now that image is a bit more accurate.
After all, why would one so full of surprises stop at just the positive test. Why not continue those surprises through things like this and then there's the waking up one morning and the pants you wore yesterday don't fit anymore. Oh and then there's the that that comes along with the whole surprise element too. Never a dull moment for the two of us here... sharing much of me. =)

Some Numbers

Countdown til:

• Vacation - 3.5 days (we're leaving Friday early afternoon)
• Baby Dr. appointment since ultrasound - 3 days (Thursday afternoon)
• Matt's surprise - 3 days (Thursday night)
• Evenings left to pack and chill out before vacation - 1 (youth group Wednesday)
• Get dog - 8-10 days
• Matt's seminary schooling officially begins - 0 days
• I check out and stop wanting to go to work cause I just want to go on vacation - 0 days
• People ready to go on vacation - 3!!!

Mindless

Yes, dear ones, Matt and I have officially lost our minds. We went and met puppy yesterday night. The drive to the boonies was nice. And as can be read in this title, we have made a decision.

She jumped on us, had etchy potty-training reports, tore through the house like a Tasha at night-time... and yet she captured our hearts and we couldn't help it. Her beautiful colors, "big dog" standing, redirectable behaviors, cage training (entering the cage on the command of "go to bed"), shot records, and other perks overcame the amount of training that Matt and I may need to reinforce with the 11 month old. Behaviors? Correctable. Now we just hope she doesn't cause Cheddar to get into too much of a tizzy.

We're due to pick her up in about a week and 1/2 after our anniversary trip. Matt and I are ECSTATIC about our upcoming road trip. Both of us are more than thrilled about this highly welcomed mission to Niagara Falls.

In other news, yesterday I managed to get some more yard work done on the house, this time in the back yard. All the while Matt enjoyed setting up his fantasy football league, which he appeared to have much delight in doing. And we saw one of Sarah's first high school soccer games. Talk about a proud brother and sister-in-law as we sat under the bleachers in the shade of the 400 degree day, right at eye-level of the game. Yeah... we definitely found the spot everyone else that was melting in the bleachers was wanting.

Oh, and also... I'm now at 19 weeks for those of you who would like to know. Matt preached a good, hard one today reminding the Body of Christ what we stand upon. I am proud, what can I say. I think I'll keep him. =) Cheddar just ran off with an old guitar string in his mouth. I think he secretly desires to be a cyclops. Oh and Robin directed me to pandora.com which is a free website where you can set up an individualized radio station based upon enjoying particular genres and styles of music. So I have been enjoying a themed blog entry with Over the Rhine and Sara Groves in the background.

Anyway... enough fun for today. Baby's hungry and I better get to walking next door (church)here soon.

Because Robin Agreed

Irresistible Beauty.

Baking Children

I've gotten the opportunity to hear some interesting commentary as I have begun to stick out a bit. But today I heard the most unique one yet. "Someone's got a bun in the oven," a lady commented as we left the eye doctor.

Odd.

The one?

So this is the one we're looking at and will get to meet sometime this week. If she is as good as the owner has spoken to us regarding being house trained, cage trained, kid and cat friendly, we're highly interested. In fact, at this point her character would have to be a real downer to change our minds. But we figured with Matt 100 feet away she could play in the yard for 1/2 the day, be put in her crate for the second 1/2 of the day (3-4 hours) and then the rest of the time she'd be with us. We've even already had an offer for someone to watch her one our 4 day anniversary if we needed to get her sooner. But after talking with her current family, they said they'd keep her until after our anniversary if we can stand being away from her for so long. =) So yeah... we'll see soon... oh and FYI, she's 10 months old which is not exactly what we were going for in looking for a grown-up, but regarding the fact that she'll be 1 soon and the average lifespan is 10-15yrs with very few owners giving away them prior to 8yrs, we thought we could bend the rules just a bit. Besides, having a young and moldable one right before baby comes is not necessarily a bad idea. My primary concern is that she doesn't eat Cheddar. And Matt's primary concern is that she doesn't repetitively pee on the mansion's carpet. Both viable concerns. So again... we'll see after we go meet her, watch her interact with the family's 4 yr old and walk with her. More to come soon regarding the outcome.....

The Weird Ones

I remember us sending them off... the weird ones, the misfits. Plane ticket in hand they stepped onto the platform and into the spotlights. Each one cringed at the lights, squinting to find reality again. Each uncomfort worn on their sleeves revealed potential loosing streaks in poker. They were raw and unfancied. They were dismissed and forgotten. Every once in a while their names would appear in the bulletin, a constant reminder daily forgotten. And then some came back, fire blazing in their eyes. And others didn't return, they had found a new home. Those who came back tried to re-live here. They tried to find a peace amongst war. Oh but they just stuck out like a sore thumb, an ostrich among pigeons. Some of them left again, they couldn't take the tension of living in a fake reality of self-indulgence and greed. They pleaded for the hungry, the sick, the lost. And we entertained their pictures and some of their shorter stories. And then we moved on... afterall they were the weird ones, the misfits. They needed to go back to the mission field. It's the right place for people like them.

Have you ever felt isolated because you saw a Truth no one else seemed to see?
This world is not our home, Christians. We can't stay here.
We can't get comfortable here with our matching furniture and 12 pairs of shoes.
The world is not ours.
Where'd the harvesters go? Where'd the obedience go?
Or did we just trade it for radical for the sake of radical?

-a self-reminder-

I think it's safe now

So a while ago in May to be precise, I got the opportunity to play. Jes in her wonderful ideas decided to make a special gift for her hunny. And while I was trying to still figure out the sweet camera I borrowed from my friend, some neat shots arose from the "to be deleted" category. Thought you might enjoy seeing a few. Cause reader... this is what Monica enjoys. No, I am not any good at it and yes I borrow a friend's camera. But I really do enjoy taking a picture that captures a thought and an emotion. And just maybe some day I'll actually get good at it. Ehh... probably not. But it sure won't keep me from still shooting. =)

Anyway.. here's studio Jes and friends who helped her and 2 outside shots:

an unexpected shot seen and actually captured

a posed but fun

just caught

(which was hard cause she's a mover)

Jim on the keys

it actually started raining for us which was pretty cool

(Daddy was even outside holding an umbrella so the camera wouldn't get wet.

I felt all photographer-y. - Dad's great!)

this one I think she ended up using on the front cover.

after taking it I wondered "what is she thinking?"

and then this one's a little blurry, but I still am kind of drawn to it for some reason.

July 5th

You know... I always thought she was beautiful.

Can't you just see her gentleness?

Nothing Really

I don't really have much of anything to say so I figured it was a great day and time to post. Today's been a headless chicken day here at work which I guess is due to me because the last two days were so productive. Ate salad for lunch and baby LOVED it! Ranch dressing is amazing despite Matt's "want to vomit" feeling when thinking about kissing me after I have consumed Ranch. (love that man, he's hilarious.) Last night had steak at the Stauffer's house in celebration of Barb's birthday. Despite feeling nauseous, baby loved the steak and gave up on it's torture of me shortly after it was consumed.

Dorkily, I'm excited that we're getting the Internet all set up at home tomorrow. I look forward to being able to post pics that I've actually taken again. This excites me being as how it's been a long time since I've lost my jump drive and have been able to track down a consistent computer to upload my pics and post them. Yay for all you two readers out there as well because that means potentially less of my words and more stalker material.

Matt and I actually have a house phone line now (haven't had one of those in 3 years). Don't ask me what our phone number is, but by golly we have one and when we are ever home we'll be sure to check that answer machine and then forget to call you back.

The countdown to Niagara Falls is already going in my head. Despite not being a numerically based countdown, I am more than aware of how quickly August 22-25 is arriving. Also Matt has some kind of surprise on Aug 21 that he is absolutely thrilled about and enjoys teasing me regarding his mysterious plans. Thus far all I know according to Matt, "I've got your King's Island right here," [referencing to a good time] and that it's something that we'll do together. Beyond that... who knows?

And lastly before I go pee, I wanted to share that Ellen gave Matt and I some baby clothes that Becka used to wear. And you should have seen my husband's face light up when he came home from work one day to find me sitting on the nursery floor folding tiny little sleepers. It was so neat. And the clothes are just darling. So, my dear faithful readers, we now have a few of our frist baby clothes, despite having little direction from baby.

Lovin' life. And finding myself with many reasons to smile.
Hope you can say the same.

Priorities

This being an adult thing is complicated. Today we went to another meeting about something that none of us wanted to hear about during our only free “lunch” hour of the day. And with a stack of new papers on updated policy, all of us employees felt one more life-fulfillment settle in. This meeting did have some value in that it stirred up a conversation with a fellow employee regarding family priorities. It was interesting to hear the experience of a mom of three kids (6, 4 and 9 months) who had been fired from a job prior to this one.

She carried on about the struggles of being the full-time employee in a household where a husband is about to lose his job. She talked of the years of sacrifice and struggle to find child-care as well as her faded and lost desire to be a stay-at-home mom. “We could live off of one salary,” she explained, “But right now it looks like mine.”

And this conversation opened up a whole world of thoughts as she spoke of all her friends being stay-at-home moms. She spoke of the value of private schools in socializing children. She spoke of the value in switching from her old 60hour per week job to this 40ish hour per week job. She spoke of the joy of offering her children herself after a day’s work instead of a tired mom who is swamped with paperwork. But she also spoke in regret at missing parts of her children’s lives.

It’s kind of sad that life requires the trade of job for family so many times. It’s one of my greatest struggles, which according to a dear friend will only become more and more of a struggle. There are good employment moves; from 60 hour jobs to 40 hour jobs with higher pay. And there are good family employment moves; from full-time to part-time in order to see your family more. But through this conversation we both resounded on the same chord: three years old only happens once and you’re either there for their discovery or you miss it.

I wonder what sacrifice my family will take due to my past education. If it weren’t for school debt, our finances and current lives would look much different. Yes, it’s the hand I chose to be dealt. There are just times that I wonder if I would have chose that hand knowing that it would greatly impact the little one within. Knowing that it would greatly impact the amount of time I can see them…. And watch them grow…

Choices I make today, choices we make today will affect the amount of time I have to give this little one. But part of me longs for the poverty of my childhood… because at least mom was there constantly. Oh I’m sure she had her regrets and her “I wish I could give you this” moments in which finances were so strapped that birthday presents and Christmases weren’t quite what they had dreamed. But she had herself to give… and she knew it was the greatest gift she could give us.

But who knows… maybe some day Matt and I will be able to make our cake and eat it too. Until then we get to keep fighting the fight of every full-time mom or dad, wife or husband; balance. It’s a “balance” that leans in the weight of our family, but doesn’t topple our job.

Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Ughday

Friday we went to support a friend at his art show. It was neat to see some art and make fun or some other art with Matt (tastefully of course). And it was particularly fun to eat the "opening reception" cheese squares, grapes, and sour-dough bread. "I think the last time I went to an art museum was in high school," reflected Matt. I was appreciative of his willingness to adventure into untrod territories for the sake of supporting our friend. Overall, despite being "ready to go" with the increasing crowded-ness, Matt and I had a really good time.

We had "the kids" over this weekend. And despite being pregnant, I managed to sorta keep up with the energy of of a 9 y/o boy and a 14 y/o girl. I felt accomplished, especially for this woman who lives for her 4pm naps. We got them Friday night after Sarah's soccer practice and the art show. And after ice cream with Matt's parents, we went home, put a movie on for the kids (AKA my brother and sister in law) and I plopped into bed.

Saturday was filled with activity; waffles resulting in two burnt and bubbled fingers of mine, pet store trip resulting in 9 y/o squeals as Franklin devoured scaled delicacies, a game of catch in the yard, a trip to the mall for much-desired on my behalf pretzels and visiting a youth during their shift, and a trip to the park resulting in dripping sweat and a small welt on my arm from being hit by a Frisbee from a game I wasn't playing. On top of all that fun, I learned, once again, that "kids" break everything - especially cat toys. And when left to their own demise, a 9 y/o can be very obnoxious, despite how much you love him. As "the kids" left our house, Matt and I smiled at each other and felt this wonderful relief that they don't come out 9 y/o.

Sunday mom came to visit. And we had wonderful conversations about all kinds of things. It was really fun... and really relaxing. Matt and I really enjoyed mom coming over. We both expressed our thankfulness for good adult conversation.

And today... is one of those sick days I should have called in this morning, but I couldn't afford (in more ways than one) to use sick time, especially after last week's sick time. It's one of those "suffer through it" days in order to convince my boss that I can be reliable despite carrying a puke-inducer. But it's also one of those days that I just wanted to fall over and die. After laying on Matt's chest for 10 minutes moaning internally this morning, I pulled myself into the car, eying the puke-bag, and dragged my feet to the office. And here I sit... greenish-pale, fogged-out, heavy-eyed, head-ached, and stuffy-nosed counting the seconds until my freedom. A freedom to take my after-work nap which may end with a Tuesday alarm.

Changing Tides

Isn’t it funny how …

• the new favorites are now the “who is that?” shuffle list
• the family you once couldn’t stand is the family you now can’t live without
• the quiet once thought to be “old” and “boring” is the quiet now dreamed for
• the plain hairstyle is the one now considered or even desired
• the nights out have now become the movie nights at home
• the hope for that awaiting career has become the drive home from the office
• and the eyes of the child are now the experience in the adult looking from mirrored glass