Life-long Friend

Thank you, Jes. You've been a wonderful friend to me throughout this transition. And your humor really helped. I love you so much. Thanks man for being a wonderful sister. Okay, enough with the sappiness... quick, fake cry and embrace.

Memory Helper

Oh and in case you forgot... 38 Days!

Purchased Lies

"The mainstays of the American economy are self-improvement products such as makeup, hair spray, hair coloring, perfume, soap, deodorant, and clothing. Since women are the main buyers of self-improvement products, advertisements are geared to women. Their one purpose is, of course, to sell.

Ads must convince the consumer of her need. To do this, they must first persuade her that she is inadequate and incomplete without a particular product. Advertising preys upon, contributes to, and reinforces a woman's poor self-image. As a result, powerful and disturbing feelings of inadequacy tug at a woman's mind-and her checkbook. She buys beauty in the form of soap, attention in the form of perfume, romance in the form of shampoo.

Age spots, split ends, graying hair, and cellulite-fates worse than death, if the media propaganda is to believed. Years ago, women, while conscience of their appearance, didn't worry about age spots because, thought they had them, they didn't know what age spots were. And if they did, they weren't bombarded with warnings about them.

It's not enough for women to wash and brush their hair. Now they are expected to condition it, dye it, color it, curl it, spray it, mousse it, and cut it in fashionable ways. They change hairstyles about as often as their underwear, which itself comes in a multitude of colors and styles. Woman-recreated in the media's image.

Not only is today's woman barraged with this female beauty propaganda, her husband is. Silently, she watches him watch. When she-and he, she supposes-stacks herself up against bronzed bikinied beauties, she sees nothing but a formless slab of whitewashed cellulite. How can she compete? Depression. Stress.

The Christian woman is particularly stressed because she knows that enduring values are spiritual, that character is far more important than appearance, and that while people look at the outside, God looks at the inside. But every time she hears a seminar leader (who is usually beautiful) talk about inner beauty, her mind is on outer beauty. Guilt. Stress. "

- an excerpt from "Women Under Stress" by Randy and Nanci Alcorn

I just thought it was interesting to read during today's rest time at work. Some areas, sadly, are more on the true side than I'd like to admit.

Away.

Matt called me Tuesday. I was glad to hear his voice, it was totally worth being a bit late to work. He informed me of their travels to youth camp. He told me about the popped tire on his parent's van that resulted in a smashed Axel, $200 towing fee, a 2 1/2 hour late arrival to youth camp, and eventually a "totaled" title for the van. He told me about the church bus fender-bender that resulted in a shattered door pane and twisted metal all before Matt could get the boys and their luggage to their lodging. He told me about his self-letdown and disappointment in being the driver of the bus during the parking lot accident. He told me he had an absolutely horrible night. And he really missed me. "It's funny, but whenever things just go completely wrong, I just want to be with you." He told me. And everything I had wanted to give him a hug and tell him that I loved him. But only the words could travel by phone.

So, I miss Matt.
He's away and I just plain miss him.
Could you pray for him, please?

the end.

Finishes! I finished it. 32 pages. 11 outcomes with subgoals. 10 references. 2 years of education. integration of everything I could think of. And it's done.
Goodbye final paper. Proove me well. Get me an A, preferably, or at least a good draft. But no matter what, at least you are done.
Done.
Done.
Done.
FINISHED!!!

Official "Transition"

Well, it's official. We broke the 50 day marker. That's right friends and family and faithful readers (thanks Robin and Matt) we broke the 50 day marker. Indeed, in 48 days from now I will carry two names.. Mrs. Monica S____ and Mrs. Matthew S______. Too cool I get two names... two identities... what else do I get two of? (Sorry, I'm getting a little carried away here.)

Today he did it again. And the sermon was great. Good job Matt. Even though it may have looked like I wasn't listening cause I was writing back and forth to Robin about Calvinism... I was listening and as far as I know... I never once heard any heresy. ROCK ON, Matt!!!
No, seriously. I couldn't have been more proud of you, Matt. God really came through you.

Well, today marks 23 days (3.5 weeks) until Matt and I start moving furniture into our new apartment. Oh, no fear friends. I'll be staying with Robin to keep my witness and Matt will be living in his bachelor pad which I will promptly crash exactly 25 days after the first piece of furniture touches the wood floors. Afterall, Matt and I have earned our white and we're keeping it that way! Thanks be to God for keeping us pure, despite our own impurities.

In other news, pre-marital counseling is 3/4 of the way done. Our last session is going to be in the last weekish before we get married. I highly recommend pre-marital counseling to you all. (Well, maybe not ALL of you.) But nonetheless, "I laughed. I [not really] cried. It moved me , Bob." (Thanks to Larry for the quote.) In all, pre-marital was fun and hard and new and reaffirming and ever-so helpful. Thanks Rob. And thank you, Robin, for listening to all my processing of the sessions. You really were a trooper to put up with me.

Well, this coming week is my last week for internship. (Woot-Woot!) And then my final paper summing up all of my years of Social Work education (all 2 years) is due on Thursday. And then excluding mere attendance to class, I will be checked out of school FOREVER!!!

Also, this just in... Tuesday I'm headed down to Cinci to have my last wedding dress fitting. HOLLA!!!!

So yeah, a lot of fun things in this chapter of life labeled "Transition".

Honey, We Need Counseling

Of course it's not just us... everyone does. Or at least everyone needs counseling who are getting married. Especially those who are getting married in 52 days!!!
(Seven weeks for Robin's count.)

I agree, Jes, relationships are hard and yet rewarding and very "different". And nothing like counseling will make you feel as unprepared for the future as anything. And yet at the same time, our first counseling session reaffirmed the fact that while I may not currently contain the wisdom to conquer fights, love Matt he way he needs, and be a mother (down the road), the foundation of Matt and my relationship is strong enough that the promise of the rest of our lives to each other will survive. It's nice to hear Rob reaffirm what God has already said to be the path for our lives.

But who knew counseling would put you on the spot? (Yes, I'm that naive sometimes.)

For a thinker, there is nothing more horrifying than an interview. And an interview we indeed had. But all the while I was fearful that I wouldn't know the answer to some questions, especially the "if I were to ask Matt this question, how would he respond" questions. So, in other words, if I don't answer this question right, I don't know my future husband. And worse than that, if I answer it wrong, but he answers it right, then I look like a self-absorbed fiance. My, my.... the stresses I place upon myself and the power that I give anxiety to conquer me sometimes. Oh, and way to scare the tar out of me, my dear friend, Rob.

Conflict Resolution is this Saturday's topic. HA! Matt and I have no conflict. This should be easy. We always agree. hehehe.

In all reality, while it may be hard for me to do the mushy romanticism love (I am just not quite wired like that), there is one thing that has been reaffirmed lately in Matt and my relationship. My greatest promise that I can give Matt will be proven not through any words I can say, but through walking beside my best friend and love. It doesn't matter what will come. It doesn't matter how much I get annoyed or frustrated at Matt. No matter whether I want to be alone sometimes or whether I fail to listen when he most needs someone to listen to him. No matter how many times I fail him by not supporting him, by disappointing him, and by saying something mean. It doesn't matter how much baggage (good or bad) I bring into our lifelong promise. But the only thing that does matter is that for the rest of my life, I choose to love Matt, laugh with Matt, encourage Matt, ask forgiveness from Matt, apologize to Matt, cry with Matt, and just sit in silence with Matt. And the only way that I know how to prove my love to Matt is to do just that... walk with Matt through life.

Sometimes I don't feel like that promise is enough. And I am sure that I won't know the extent of that promise until our first serious argument after marriage or our first huge trial or whatever may come. But my promise will never change. And premarital counseling, despite hard at times... and wedding planning, though hard and hurtful at times... and "the rest of our life" conversations about those topics that we so would like to avoid... all of it has only strengthened my promise to Matt.

I love you, Matt.
And I can honestly tell you that I will never leave you until God calls me or you home.


Thank you, Lord, for all the ways that You have reaffirmed this path for Matt and I. Thank You for all You have provided us with. Lord, "thank You" just isn't enough. Yet, thank You, Lord, for the greatest challenge and reward on this side of the cross. Thank You, Lord. Thank You. Thank You. And in my hardest moment of sheer hurt... thank you. How You bless me Lord. In Christ Jesus, I pray. Amen.

A good way to start.

Sometimes I find myself consumed in present day troubles. Oh, these finances. Oh, these internship tasks. Oh, these kids at work who don't listen. And it is in those moments that I need most desperately to think of the big picture.

In life, thinking of th big picture often overwhelms me. Ahhh, I'm so, so, so in debt from college that I can't even breathe. I'm going to be such a poor wife. I'm in no way qualified to be a pastor's wife! And let's not even think about how bad of a mom I'm going to be if God ever gives us kids.

But God's big picture has such a different effect on me. As was mentioned last night at house church, thinking of God's big picture helps me to see an even greater value to prayer. Thinking of God's big picture encourages me to live each moment for His glory alone. Thinking of God's big picture opens my eyes to the hurting souls I come in contct with every day and those brothers and sisters far away whom I will never meet on this earth. Thinking of God's big picture only brings good and hope to my day.

Today I read this (thanks for the unintentional tip, Robin). And it started my thoughts of God's big picture. Slowly the thoughts of my imperfection melted as I thought of God's perfection. Slowly the thoughts of this world's trials and hurts melted away with the thought of this place Jesus is preparing for those who acknowlegde Him as Lord of all. Slowly my morning began to have purpose. And slowly hope crept into my smile. In and amongst my longing for this new Heaven and earth, I felt a part of something so much bigger than myself. And to start off my morning, I felt, once again, that I could actually use these flawed filthy-rags to make God's name and true character known. Talk about a good way to start the day.

Thank You, God, for the hope of someday being perfect in You. That truly is something to strive for. I love You.

But it's Truth.

I finished!!!

Yesterday I finished reading Safely Home and it brought up thoughts. I've been wanting to tell you all about this book I've been reading and how it has made me feel, only I haven't been convinced that I could articulate the thoughts that are circulating. Even now I'm not sure. Where should I begin? What should I say?

My house church decided to read this book and discuss it at our regular Sunday evening meetings. Initially I was quite weary about reading and discussing anything but the Bible, but due to Robin unknowingly encouraging me, I pick the book up. A novel? I thought. I bet it'll be some cheesy Christian fiction. One of those ones that are more like a soap and less like a lifestyle choice. Stereotypical Christian. Stereotypical love life. One of those "Choose to wait" type high school youth group novels geared toward those who believe they can find more direction and guidance in a novel than the Truth of God. [Kinda close-minded, huh?]

In some ways the novel fit the stereotypical Christian novel qualifications. But in other areas... I could feel my mind opening. It was as if the King was saying, "Child, see. Truly see."

I won't give the novel away to you. I won't tell the ending (especially since Robin hasn't finished and she reads my entries sometimes). I will tell you things you could read on the back cover though (even though I never read the back cover). There a Chinese man, Li Quan, who has returned to China after visiting America and earning a high education at Harvard. He returns to his people in China and is a persecuted Christian. His old American roommate, Ben, has long forgotten any Christ thoughts and poured his soul into his business accomplishments, leaving his family in the dust. The two roommates meet in China after twenty or so years of silence. And the rest of the novel unfolds the persecution (sometimes detailed), the risks that are taken for God's name's sake, and the imprints that a radical Christian lifestyle has on Ben. While this book was classified as a fiction novel, the author based the book off of various stories of persecution that he had learned of on journeys of faith (missions trips).

I think the thing that struck me the most from this novel was the whole concept of Heaven's sights verses earthly viewpoints. And in the contrast, God so orchestrated that my mind should begin to wrap itself around more of the eternal picture of life and less of the earthly viewpoint. I have thought and still think about the eternal impact of prayer. It's power truly cannot be leashed. Suffering has presented itself as an honor and a blessing. Surely it's nothing to be pitied.

Would I hold to my God so dearly that physical persecution would not harm my faith?
Would fear overcome me in the midst of torture?
Do I cling too much to things of this world forgetting the Source of the blessings?

The life of a martyr is breathtaking. And to think of the humility still kept while enduring all things for the sake of the cross (-Paul's words, not mine-). Would we, could we dare as comfortable American Christians to forfeit our comfort for God's glory?

One of a few keys points in the story remains trailing through my thoughts...
Li Quan spoke to Ben of his failed marriage with his wife. He spoke in pity that the American couple had not experienced the persecution that made his relationship with his wife so much stronger.

Lord, as much as I fear conflict. I pray for persecution. Lord, for then I know fully that the opposition arises when they see the light of Your face.

Maybe, just maybe, the ticket to fully relying on Christ and dying to yourself is not only to admit that you have been a sinner and accept his life, but also to loose all your comforts that you cling to in order to exalt the Lord... no matter what your life situation would look like afterward.

But that's not what we want to hear.

But it's Truth!

-These links are public facts that the author assimilated on his webpage. If confusion arises regarding any thoughts that the author has shared regarding heaven and other topics, please refer to the Word of God to answer all questions. You could ask me, but I can't guarentee you any profound knowledge since I too am marveling and learning each day. Pray and ask God your hard questions. I cannot guarentee that He will answer your every question, but I can guarentee that He is listening and wants you to ask Him hard questions. -

You

-an excerpt-

"Lord, I love you. You are Maker of Heaven and Earth. You are Refuge. You are Relief. You are Shelter. You are Shade. You are an Awesome God. You are Forgiver. You are Healer. You are Ancient of Days. You are Alpha and Omega. You are the Prince of Peace. You are the Lord of Lords. You are Comforter. You are Open Arms. You are Mercy. You are Love. You are Grace. You are the God of Abraham, Isaac, Moses, and Jacob. You are Judge and you are the Ransom paid for all. You are Guide, Helper, and Friend. You are Savior, Messiah, Ever-present, Eternal, Omniscient, Director, Organizer and Maker of mankind. You are Creator of life. You are Faithful. You are Giver. You are Encourager. You are Teacher. You are Discipliner. You are Corrector.

You are the God who led His people out of slavery in Egypt and through the Red Sea. You are the God who provided manna to your ungrateful people. You are the God who taught and continued to love Your people and provided a Ransom for Your people even in Your wrath for their disobedience. You are the God who sent down prophets to warn Your people of the reality of Your judgement and to declare the coming of Your Son. You are the God who hates divorce because You are concerned with the heart of man. You are the God who used a willing virgin in a humble hole in the wall to bring Yourself to save us from ourselves. You are the God who used flawed mankind to make Your name known and Your Greatness known. You are the God who endured 33 years of our pains and our ignorance. You are the God who took on all the humiliation, mocking, spitting, cursing, depression, emotions behind self-mutilation, pain, worthlessness, selfishness, arrogance, oppression, lusts, temptations, mistakes, fears, angers, outbursts, disobedience, discouragement, and shame of all mankind in exchange for the possibility that we would accept a life-renewing relationship with the god of the universe. You are the God that died on the cross before we ever even thought to accept Your beauty. You are the God that endured all of that, even if we chose not to accept your gift. You are the God that chose to forsake Your Son, a part of You, for a rebellious people yelling "crucify him!" You are the God who declared, "It is finished!" and never once gave up on Your promise to die for Your people, even as Your people held the hammers. You are the God who as laid in a tomb guarded by Roman guards and sealed from people and intruders.

Then...

You are the God who conquered death, leaving the linens to re-emphasize Your love and sacrifice for Your people. You are the God who reminded His people again and again that You will never leave them. You are the God that after ascension sent messengers to re-emphasize again Your love and sacrifice for all mankind. You are the God who sent down messengers who opened their hearts and arms to share Your teachings, the beauty of Your sacrifice and what our response should be. You are the God whose Son sits at the right hand of Your throne, after having been with us sinners for thirty-three years and having conquered the grave, and prays for our obedience. And You are the God who took a willing servant and had him write down the end of Your story... the triumph of You, and ultimately, Your people, to give us all the hope we could ever need during our times of darkness and persecution for Your name's sake.

Lord, Father, Savior, You are that God.

You are all that and so much more.

Therefore, I love You.
Because You first showed me how to love."

Clever Boy

"If you could call her this week, it would be good.
It'd make me a prophet, not a liar."

Does a weekend get better than this...

Today Andi becomes Andi "a wife".

Congratulations, Andi!
I'm so excited for you!


And for all my loyal readers (HA!), I probably won't be posting this weekend because...

Friday, is an afternoon/evening of a dear friend's final wedding preparations, reahearsal and rehearsal dinner [I've never been in a wedding before. This is a new thing.]

Saturday, Miranda Snider becomes Miranda Baker!!!!! and my 'brother', Chris, gets a GREAT wife!!!!!

Sunday, celebrate my Daddy, eat dinner with Matt's Dad, and sing along with Martina McBride. [That's going to be a fantastic concert.]


That's right... great stuff this weekend. And I'm so stinkin' excited!!!

The Hop

Well my dear readers (all two of you) I wanted to give you a real look at my life thus far. So brace yourselves.

Last night I got the privilege of going to the bachlorette party of a dear friend. She’s getting married on Saturday and I’m so excited for her because she’s marrying Chris, who’s totally like a brother to me. It was a wonderful scavenger hunt party. Allisha did a nice job planning it, once the plans got rolling. Miranda was even pulled over (on purpose) during the hunt. And despite some of the gross elements of a bachelorette party, it was a wonderful night of good surprises and support of Miranda.

During this evening, I was most content to just sit back and listen to others ask Miranda questions. It was so neat to think about how far Miranda has come in her walk with the Lord since I first met her. And it was so different to think of dear little Miranda being all old and grown up… and a wife. But I couldn’t be more happy for the two of them and, while it may sound stereotypically cliché, Miranda and Chris really do fit together. I’m not talking about some American dream fit together, I’m talking about a day in and day out, sometimes angry, sometimes unforgiving, but all the time loving fit together. And it makes me so happy to count down the days until their public ‘I do’s. There’s four more days. Four more days.

And that brings me to the thought of the 74 more days left before Matt and I get married. Yes, everyone asks questions, and the questions were not contained to Miranda talk last night either. The same few questions arose regarding my wedding plans and the same shock and, at times, annoyance returned through people's eyes as my laxidazical, "things are going well, I haven't done too much lately, and we're pretty much done" flows out. Oh yes, I am exciting, but I have been focusing on what life will be like in marriage, not on August 25th.

Finances. Finances. Finances. Details. Details. Details. Sometimes it's a real struggle to try to make finances fun. I'm not going to lie. Sometimes the thought of all the numbers which will contribute much stress and, in turn, coping strategies in our married life brings fear into my life. But I am the one who controls whether or not I will cave in to that fear, exchanging my sanity or each unfulfilling morsel.

I know God. I trust God. He has provided in the past. He has promised He will provide in the future. So, therefore, He will. And I just need to trust that.

74 days. [For Robin, 10 weeks.] Two weeks from yesterday marks exactly 2 weeks until we reach the 2 month marker. In other words, 1 week and six days until we reach 2 months to go. Why is this significant? (Robin has asked in her head in the past. - wow that makes you sound liek a crazy, Robin. Or at least it makes me sound like a mind reader.-) At 2 months, Matt and I begin marriage counseling. Marriage counseling!!! Which means August 25th is just a hop away.


So, until that hop takes place, I am working on completing my bachelores degree in Social Work [internship + class], as of yesterday, it looks like I'll be taking additional class, playing outside with my kids, taking the licensure exam (SW), getting a job (or at least getting a "real" job rolling), securing a new APT, moving Matt into the new APT, packing my things, petting Cheddar, moving my things, going to Cleveland on a MFBC mission trip, having a bridal shower (July 28th), doing marriage counseling, and preparing myself mentally and emotionally to make one of the biggest transitions I have ever made.

That's me lately.

What's God been doing in your life?

In Excess of Maximums

I was checking my DARS this morning (the program that reports how "on track" you are to graduate). And I was pleased with all the areas I have successfully completed Wright State's University standars. Then I saw something a bit "different". I saw a "NO" where apparently I have not met a University Standard. In further investigating this "NO" I read this...

NEEDS: 1.0 HOUR

What's that mean?

Cup of Java

There is nothing like waking up at 6am (begrudgingly at first. - I'm not going to lie-), reading the Word, running for three miles and then taking a nice cool shower.
Ahhhhhh... yes.
This is my cup of Java.

Lasts

You know, there are some bitter sweet moments in life that take your breath away. And then there's some hard moments in life that cause you to take coping deep breaths.

It's the end of the quarter and the lasts are creaping in. I am taking my last exam on Thursday, I have attended my last Crosswalk, I just attended my last "class", and my last is all I can give. I can't give anymore to this quarter. And you know what? I'm really okay with that. In fact, it brings much relief. Much relief.

This summer will be hard; one class, practicum and work back to back (and even overlapping at times), and then life. It will be a challenge. Truly a challenge. It's the last sprint for my degree. And while it may feel like it is dangling over my head, attached to a wire on my back, eventually I'll reach it. And another checkmark will be placed on the list of life.

My Refuge has brought rest. Much needed and much appreciated.

I came home to a bouquett of roses and a "just because" letter. How he blesses me. And I agree, taking time for the simple is a must... and it's so needed. Thank you, Matt.

More thoughts that crossed my mind today revolved around a little girl. A classmate brought her daughter into class. Her daughter, Rose, must have been a good 2 years old. Rose was a healthy two, laughing, interrupting class, rolling on the floor, and talking to another five year old child drag-along for the day. My classmate shared with me and another aquaintance, "I wanted two and I knew it was now or never." She also expanded upon her teenager that's back at home. This woman, now in her mid thirties/early forties had this little one. And the smile on this woman's face? Her little one was her world. And it was so cute.

Kinda made me want to be a mom. Later... but I looked forward to if God would ever grace me with the oppotunity to love Matt and my little one to pieces. We'll see in time. I'm in no rush.

I thought of Ellen and wondered how she was doing. I miss seeing her regularly. We're going to meet up and hang out sometime later this week so we can pack her up for her move on June 16th. And maybe I'll even get to hold my neice a little. But, I'm not going to lie, as much as I love my neice to pieces, I really do love her mom and I care more about how her mom was doing than my neice. As cold as that sounds, Ellen's a friend and i really care about her.

I also got an email for Andi a few days ago. She can't come to Matt and my wedding. That was really disappointing because she was one of the few people that I really wanted to be there. Oh but I completely understand that she can't come. I COMPLETELY understand. My, my how God has grown her and Ben. It's amazing to watch. Praise God for His grace and His love. But in and amongst the wonderful things God is doing, there are little hurts that happen too. And Andi not being able to come to my wedding. That's just one of them.

Well, the cats are all sprawled out, napping on Robin's bed. And as tempting as that looks, I think I'm going to go for a run. It's been a long time since I've gotten to just run. And I look forward to it.


Hope you are seeing the Lord's blessings in your life today.
To God be all the glory and honor and praise forever and ever.


Amen.

Zits and Life

So sometimes when you get bad news you just have to cry.
It's funny how finances never seemed to bring good news for me.
But bad financial news is never easy to carry.
See, finances are tied to nearly every struggle Matt and I will face in the next upcoming year. And, as Matt mentioned, finances are the number one cause of divorce.

Before you think Matt is a jerk, I am overwhelmingly confident that Matt will never divorce me, so this matter-of-a-fact statement does not scare me.

...

Today has been a hard day. Cheddar kept me up last night and between him and my allergies, I'm just plain exhausted. I began the day thirty minutes behind and got to church 15 minutes late. So, in an optimists world, I shaved 15 minutes off somewhere. Some days you're just late. And that's life.

Once I shook off my grumpy streak and found myself back at home in comfy clothes, I gave Matt a call. That's when I learned about the path God is providing for us. I am not going to lie, the news of not being able to afford an apartment and needing to live in Matt's parent's house for at least the first year of our marriage was quite hard to hear. At first I took it well, kicking into survival mode. "We can make it." My thoughts denied my emotions. But some things you just have to work through. It's like the idea of leaving Apex, it just must sit with you a while so you can grieve it and move on.

But I can be honest, the news of our financial stability did not stop there. Next year is going to be so much more challenging than this past one. All the people at Matt's house, the thought of not being able to keep Cheddar (my coping strategy), the thought of Matt being busy a lot, and a new job, and even if the Stauffers do let me keep Cheddar, the thought of not being able to find him in a huge house when I need him the most brought tears to my eyes. How can my world fall apart like this? Suddenly the thought of all the furniture God has provided didn't matter anymore. Where will we put it? I just sat in my room holding Cheddar (despite him not wanting to be there) and let it all out. Poor Cheddar got a shower. I got covered in cat hair. And my nose ran uncontrollably. - I just had to get it out.- I haven't cried that hard in a very long time. I don't think I ever grieved Apex that hard before.

Dear friends, it doesn't mean God is any less of a providing God. It doesn't mean God's provision of furniture isn't a promise of what's to come. It doesn't mean that He doesn't want us to be together. It just means that it's going to be a challenge and some days I'll do well with it, and other days I will drench my cat in tears.

...

I have never been spoiled by glamorous photos. I've never taken Senior pictures because they were far too expensive. I don't have a senior class ring and I can't even find my high school diploma anymore. I won't be walking at my college graduation and I haven't done any other monumental thing. But one thing I will be blessed with and that's getting engagement pictures taken with Matt tomorrow. No, we can't afford ridiculously expensive photography-quality pictures. (We won't even have them at our wedding). But a dear friend of mine, Chris, has happily volunteered to take his best photos for the price of the film. So, in light of my past, this means a lot to me. So much that I got a bit vein about my two zits. Oh well, that's life for ya. You don't have super huge zits until you're doing a "once in a lifetime" thing. [I expect to have zits in my wedding pictures too. ] I wanted to get my hair trimmed, but I can't afford it, so I think I'll cut off some split ends on my own. Maybe Robin can help. Matt didn't have time for a haircut, but knowing how much it meant to me, he called to tell me that he'd made a trip to the mall and would even be shaving tomorrow since it looked like a porcupine hit him in the face.

I am so in love with Matt and so blessed that he cares so deeply about me that he'd struggle to find extra time to get "cleaned up" and "nicely dressed" because it means something to me.

...

So today's had it's ups and downs. This basket-case is continually on the verge of tears and completely overwhelmed by the joy of loving Matt at the same time.

"We'll do just fine." He said today. "It's just going to be a big challenge this next year. But if you can't find a job, I'll quit school and get another one. We'll survive. And then the next year, after I'm done with school, it won't be drastically different, but it'll be a little better than the year before. ... It'll be okay. I love you."

- I love you too, Matt.

I know God will pull us through.

Just Some Math

Yesterday = 17 months and 94 days.

Today = 93 and 17 months + one day.

If 93 days, then it will be 20 months.

3 to go.
93 to go.

And to think what it used to be...

Thanks be to God!

Praise Be

Praise be to the Lord, our God, King of all creation... whose words can melt a heart and split the strongest nation...

Here I sit bee-boppin (a technical term) in my head to a rockin' praise song as externally the AC consumes the quiet of a friday at practicum. Whomever said fridays are chaos in a social work agency has never been to CHOICES, Inc. I have a half hour to kill and nothing creatively fun is entertaining my mind here at CHOICES. I wonder if I'm really cut out for a nine to five job. My bills seem to think so. But my creativity rebels.

Yesterday was Matt's 21st birthday. 9Happy Birthday again, Matt). We both were surprised when "sixteen people" showed up at the Stauffer's for a "small" family birthday party. Matt and his old sister, Ellen, have back-to-back birthdays, so a family birthday party was definitely in order.

In other news, today marks 106 days until I marry Matt and the word "engagement" has popped up in the vocabulary of one who is very close to me (but I'm not sure if they want the world knowing about their thought yet so they will remain nameless).

I also got to hold my niece last night. She's a whoppin' one week old and so freakin' cute. I love that baby to pieces (only I hope that'd never be a condition she'd face).

"How are wedding plans?" Everyone always asks. "They're going well" I leave a vaguely open statement hanging in the air. To bring more detail I could say that they are going quite well. As Matt told a friend last night "they're 97.43% done. There's just little details and last minutes to do." You know, like invitations. ;) But my mom's so graciously taken all the invitations (I'm transporting them down there tonight) and has come up with a standard format and wording for them. Sometimes soon we will start the printing part and on Memorial day Matt, Mom, Robin (?), Kelly (?), Jes (?), and anyone else who wants to help will meet up at my apartment and assemble them all. Guestimation of how many we'll be sending out? 150 or so. And a guesstimation of how many people will show up at the wedding ceremony? maybe some 250 or so. Afterall, Matt's inviting his whole church and Apex can handle it.

Every day it's becoming more and more real that this whole wedding thing is coming quite quickly. And while the thought of standing before 250+ times 2 eyes gives me the heebie-geebies (again, a technical term), the idea of marrying my dearest friend is overwhelmingly joyful. "Are you getting excited?" a friend asked me. I think she could see it in my face. The word "excited" can barely contain the joy I am holding. I'm just trying not to be overly excited, and therefore, get hiccups for the next 3 and a half months. I'll wait until the 30 day countdown for hiccups to become a normalcy in my life.

With each passing day the thought of leaving Apex becomes more normal in my life. The thought of moving on the Miamisburg First Baptist becomes more of a normal transition and less of a stressor. God has built up my faith at Apex that I may be able to serve Him to the ends of the earth and the entrance door to the ends of the earth is entitles "Miamisburg First Baptist Church". It's absolutely awe-striking to imagine where God could take us. It is amazing to think of how God could use two people that say "where ever You want us, we'll be". Ohio, Wisconsin, Nevada, Maine, Africa... wherever... we're following the One worthy of all praise.

Indeed, Praise be to the Lord, our God, King of all creation... whose words can melt a heart and split the strongest nation...I will ever put my trust in Him, though the world be shaken... I will not be moved.

The Cost

I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my soul
Give You all of my praise

You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer and
Pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I'm needing
I will say to You...

It's gonna be worth it
Gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all

I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my soul
Give You all of my praise

You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer and
Pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I'm needing
I will say to You...

It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all

It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe all my pain (It's gonna be worth it)
All my joy (It's gonna be worth it)
It's gonna be worth it all

And around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, Lord, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I'm needing
I will say to You...

You're all I'm needing Lord, You're all I'm needing
I will lift my voice to You and say...

You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe know.


- "Worth It All"
song by: Rita Springer

Away

You know? These past few weeks have been hard. This quarter has been so overwhelming and I came to the realization about a week ago that I have lost my character in the shuffle of this year's requirements. Long days, short nights and stress after stress has finally found victim in my personality. But in all the time that I have been kicking and complaining this quarter about my lack of rest, I have found failure after failure.

I opened my eyes tonight to see this...

an open hand...

I read these lyrics a few days ago from a friend's site...

" Come with me my love

step out on the wave

step out into faith

Fix your eyes on me

look past the stormy sea

look past your stumbling feet

and i know you’re afraid

but i’ll take your hand

hold you close

pull you in

and though you can’t stand

I still can

I still Am"

And as easily as this song creates flight in lyrical form within my head (even without ever hearing the song), I come to the realization that maybe, just maybe away...

is so much closer than I thought...

Resulting...

Allergies suck!

To the Doctor

Yep... I'm going at 9:45a.

Broken Sick

Boots broke his tail last night (the one on the left). Robin and I are still confused about how exactly it all happened, but I have this guilt-complex that I was somehow involved in it. This morning he was super lovey-dovey to me. This both made me feel bad for him and made me feel like a low-life to have potentially hurt him.

I'm sick today. I think I'm coming down with what Robin had... has. She went to the doctor last Friday after I threatened to take her to the ER if she didn't stop choking to breathe. She has a sinus infection that, if left to progress a few more days, would have turned into bronchitis. She's now on antibiotics.

I'm not absolutely convinced that I have caught her sinus infection. And I'm not missing school, work or internship any time soon to go to the Doctor's unless I absolutely have to.

In calling a lady from my house church to warn her about my sickness since I was holding her baby last night, she said "well, that's good. Now you can get a break from all that's going on." To which I quickly responded, knowing well of my demands of my schedule, "No. Anything that I cancel I'll just have to make back up on another day."

I had a hard night last night. Between the mucus build-up, nausea, scratchy throat and heavy conscience, three and a half hours of sleep is all I could come by. Part of me doesn't care if I get sick. Bring it on! Says my cockiness. But another part of me wonders if this will be the final straw to break this camel's back.

I have been so overwhelmed lately.

So overwhelmed...

I miss Matt.

Announcing Congratulations

Getting past the fact that this ring looks very Lord of the Rings-ish, I have an announcement for all my blogging friends.

Yesterday was Mom and Dad's 25th Anniversary.

Congratulations!!!

They are such an example of faithfulness and dedication in their love for each other.

By the grace of God.

Thanks be to God.

I am so blessed to soon follow in the same unwavering footsteps.

By the grace of God.

Thanks be to God.

Broken Glass

I'm on page 155 out of 288 of the above book by the above author (that I met in person) and I must finish before my head can hit the pillow tonight. And then tomorrow I need to type my 5 page paper about this book to turn in tomorrow night.

Procrastinator. You may think. But the reality is that I am so overwhelmed with school, work, internship, Crosswalk, social life and attempting to meet basic needs that I have begun to shut myself off from the realm of caring. It's the fight or flight method that is truly overcoming me. When this monster is too much to bear, flight is inevitable.

I find myself thinking things like "Why even try anymore? I won't win."
And "I don't think I can last these next six weeks of the quarter."

Uplifting post?
Absolutely not.
But true to me currently?

Sadly, yes.


I know I have to make it, I have made it thus far. But I am so burned out.

so burned out...

Coming Soon!!!

Exciting News...

Today I went over to the Stauffers to visit Ellen and Sarah. I wanted to visit Ellen in particular because it's probably the last time I will get to see her while she still has Bekah inside of her. That's right... Ellen's getting incuded on Friday, April 27th and I'm going to be an (unofficial) aunt!

At the Stauffers, Ellen and I cut out directions for Matt and my wedding invitations on the living room floor as Sarah scrapbooked beside us. Then we decided to grab some lunch. We headed out to Subway where Bekah decided to kick me for the second time. Only this time I watched with my own two eyes as Ellen's belly had this huge heal of a foot kick from the inside. I was amazed and overjoyed. Ellen explained to me that when she pokes at Bekah, she will often kick really hard for a few good kicks. Ellen thinks she's annoyed. =)

Bekah's revenge? She sat on Ellen's ribs.

Hehe.

I love that little baby already and I can't wait to meet her this week.

I've called off my practicum on Friday so I can go to the hospital at 4am when Ellen will be induced and wait it out.

I just can't wait!
I'm so excited!!!!!!

Also, 126 days until Matt and I get married.
WOOT!!!

Nothing More

There's nothing more pathetic than snuggling in on the couch on a Friday night to watch a movie all by yourself with a roll of toilet paper and a plate-full of cauliflower.

I miss Robin.

She needs to come home now.

Blogged Decapitations

I was reading a blog's comments (yep, I had a bunch of extra time this morning since I bathed last night) and I found this comment. Let me give you some context. The blog consisted of documenting struggles in bedtime routines with children. After reading of how a mother tried to please her daughter in cycling through bedtime routines until the best bedtime routine was formed, this comment busted out of the crowd.


I can just picture a mother's mentality (having experienced similar bedtime annoyances of children escaping the dreadful un-railed bed) of doing a bedtime routine for the sole purpose of getting a child to go to sleep. And then I read this post:

I still sing to my girls. However my oldest is 7 and she's starting to understand that Mommy can't sing well.

Also, I occasionally, if hassled enough, will read them a book.

Then of course the night ends by me yelling, "GET BACK INTO BED!!", or "Stop playing around, or I'll come in there and throw away your stuffed animals."

and maybe by 'throw away' I mean cut Winnie the Pooh's head off...

I have never laughed so hard at a blog before.

Now, before you freak out on me and think I have a horrific sense of humor, please note that I would never imagine a mother would actually decapitate a favorite Pooh Bear, but I too have experienced the utter annoyance for those little ones who feel the great need to floo the coop for a half hour or so after bedtime has officially ended ten times over.

And someone vocalizing it was absolutely hilarious to me this morning at sun-up.

When California Runs Dry

This morning I was sitting at my computer when I realised the cats had knocked my books over.

Bummer, I thought, casually passing along the annoyance of our cats.

And then my brain connected that my jar of sandy California beach water and shells was used as a bookend for that shelf.
And it was gone.

My eyes traced it's path to the floor where I first spotted the rectangular jar on it's side.

And sure enough, California had run dry.
Low tide.
Monica's ocean was gone.


Now what do you do when California runs dry?



Find pleasure in the dry sand.

As Promised, Six

As promised to Robin this morning, I am posting here from my internship. (Yes, I really have that much to do here.) I am pleased, on the other hand, that it is almost 1pm and I have yet to think about poking out my eyes from boredom. This is huge improvement over other internship days.

So something sort of unexpected happened today. I attended the Foster Care Staff Meeting (oh how I hate those, but it was better than sitting at my desk and staring at the cubicle wall) and discovered that a social worker from my internship was laid off. She was at the meeting (apparently her last day wasn't today). This got me thinking about the world of the social work profession in child welfare-type agencies. And it also made me question where I wanted to work when I graduated. For the first time ever, I thought about not working in the social work field.

Let me explain. In the child welfare field you can either work as a county worker (booo, hisss) and be a number or be a social worker for a nonprofit agency. Due to a serious foster care violation case (a young boy was left in a closet for all wrapped up for a weekend and died) there have been new laws passed. With these new laws, all the non-profit, small agencies are seriously hit with new requirements and new expenses. Due to this, a lot of them are hurting. Therefore, job availablility? um... not so great. Furthermore, ability to hold your job if you're working at a non-profit? Well, using my internship as an example, one lady quit and another was laid off. That makes 2 gone out of 5. Not so hot!

I also thought about the five year idea. The five year idea states that Monica would like to be a housewife and raise 6 children [HECK YES!]. Therefore, in raising six children, Monica would not be working. Furthermore, Monica needs to work until Matt and Monica are on their feet enough for Monica to stop working. That will be accomplished once Matt gets a full-time ministry job. In turn, that will happen after Matt is finished with his seminary degree. [FYI, this isn't just Monica's idea, it's Matt's too.] Will it work? By God's grace it will work. And the idea is that I won't be working much longer than five years max.

With this new piece of information, I wonder if it'd be better for me to get an office job somewhere or some job outside of the social work profession that pays a bit better than a risky non-profit job. This is only a thought... not a conclusion.

Just a thought.

Not a conclusion.

Low-Income Windows, Friends, and 135

So, my friends and fellow readers... today is the third day at my internship that my supervisor has not been here for some reason. AKA... I'm lost... hence the blogging.

I am supposed to be working on a low-income housing project in which I research low income housing and then visit to determine the quality of living by window coverings.

For example, in the picture above... there are various window coverings. Obviously curtains cannot be afforded so various colored sheets and boards are put up in the windows to keep out prying eyes. Now before anyone becomes too high and mighty, please understand that I am in no way insulting anyone's style of life. I too slept with a blanket over my campus window for nearly two years in order to block out the light. But those "better" low-income apartments out there require that a resident place at least a white sheet over the windows if curtains cannot be afforded. Hence the reasoning behind looking at people's windows.

Beyond low-income housing shopping and internship dullness, things have been going well. I got the opportunity to talk to a good friend, Chris, for awhile this morning which was great. It's really quite wonderful to find out how good friends who you don't get to see often are doing. For the world to know... he and Miranda are doing well.

It's funny how the thought of visiting "old friends" brings such joy to my day. No plans have been set in stone, but the thought of a time coming soon, quite soon, when I will get to visit Chris and Miranda for more than 15 minutes is quite exciting.

I also got to talk to my mom this morning which was good. I really have enjoyed hanging out with my mom and getting to talk to my mom lately. It's funny how we have gone through her parenting me, me rebelling (in various ways), me going off to college, her learning to befriend me, and now it seems like we are moving further and further into her and I being friends. Oh, she will always hold the parenting card over me... I mean seriously, she's my mom. But I am really appreciative for those moments in which we get to just laugh, talk about challenges, and do random chores around the house. I love you, mom.

As for my Matt, I've gotten the chance to see him more these past few weeks than I have gotten to see him in a long time. I attended Miamisburg First Baptist these past two Sundays. In such a visitation I am learning more of what it means to support Matt in his ministry. Oh yes, eventually it will be come our ministry at Miamisburg, but as for now it's Matt's ministry. I really am enjoying being Matt's sidekick in ministry, though it does require me to sit alone during some church services. But I really do enjoy watching him serve and doing random things here and there to aid him. But I'll be honest, there really is nothing in comparison to just being with Matt, outside of the context of Miamisburg. Just me and Matt... oh that's a blast.

This just in [Matt's dad just walked by my cubicle]... Ellen (Matt's sister) has been put on bed rest so please keep her in your prayers as she nears Becca's arrival. Becca is due May 4th and I couldn't be more excited. Ellen and Ron are also putting a bid on a house today that they could potentially move into soon. And... (drum roll please) Becca's head is down and Ellen's beginning to dialate. SOOOOOOOOOO EXCITING!!!!!!!! I'm going to be an Aunt soon! It's been really fun and exciting to watch Ellen go through her pregnancy and I can't wait to meet my new niece whom has kicked me once already. SOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITING!!!!!!!!!!

Beyond all that joy, school has been school, I am learning more of what it means to have fun at work despite the challenges of my Kindergartners, and, lest you all forget, 135 days until Matt and I get married. Also, a new countdown... 99 days until I complete my requirements for graduation.

Silently Yours

You know? It's funny but sometimes you come to the realization that you just want to be alone. Oh, no there was nothing anyone said or did. But sometimes the draining of unfamiliar crowds or large crowds (even if it's only 6) can wear you down. And it's in the hiding away that you get the chance to listen to the silence...
breath in life...

one breath at a time.

I am really thankful for those times. Where I can just be. Yours.

Silently Yours.

You are Sunrise

You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary.
You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward.
Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts.
All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.

What Type of Day are You?

My Grandpa

Why I love my grandpa: an excerpt from his e-letter to me.

"This short epistle has not done justice to your letter but it will serve to let you know we are still on the face of the earth and that if you think this letter is a bit crazy in spots, remember that 25% of you -- is me.


Our Love, Lud and Glenda"

Extrovertantly Intro

Well, it's spring break and I'm busier than ever. [I really hate the word "busy".] I went to a work training tonight which reminded me again of how much I am not cut out to be a teacher and how much I don't want to be at my work anymore. But I also need to stop complaining and suck it up. It's paying me. And I need to give it my all even when I get upset about spending so much of my life there. God has it in my life for a reason. [... sorry about my processing here... pep talks are sometimes a necessity.]

Random cute thing from today?
Four year old Christopher Turner (Pastor's kid) told me about a character in a new movie they rented from the library.
Christopher: His name is google.
Rachel (7 year old older sis): No, Christopher. Google's a website. Noogle's a name. His name is Noogle.

So, yeah... this spring break finds me running around like a headless chicken at times. And at other times, with headphones lost in Les Mis. And other times, overwhelmed with the excitement of the upcoming August 25th. And at other times, wishing I could somehow convince a dear friend that she is not alone, despite a very draining job that seems to be "the only thing available". And at other times... dear friends, I must admit that at other times I just wish that the silence of my own thoughts would be able to overcome me. That overwhelming feeling of being pulled in every direction all at once leaves you with the realization that in your mind you are still standing still. And to progress forward, sometimes you must visit the past experiences to release them from yourself. I guess this is the thought process of an introvert stuck in the expectation of extroversion. Sometimes, you just wonder if you'll ever start living in the today if only you'd get the chance to let go of the yesterday that has been stifled until quiet time permits it's release.

Heavy it weighs at times.

Heavy.

How far.

Have you ever looked back at how far God has taken you?

I ran into some thoughts about high school this morning. How "back in the day" it felt. Those thoughts drew me to thoughts of junior high. And those to elementary school days. And before I knew it, I was back at Elphic road, watching the California clouds.

How far my Lord has brought me. I remember riding big wheels on the dirt trail in the field by the Elphic road house. Dirty feet, dirty hands... lovin' it. And then the first glimpse of Cincinnati from I-75 in Kentucky. I remember as my sleep eyes embraced the glowing unknown. Or what about the time I tapped my pencil on my desk in forth grade as we were working on some classwork. The clicking broke through the silence. "Monica, please stop." "Okay," my words came as I went back to my work. "Monica!" the voice came again, and that's when I realised that I had ever intention to stop, but I was so focused on doing my work that I paid no attention to the fact that my pencil had never missed a tapping beat. Oops, how out-right disobedient I must have looked to her eyes. I was too ashamed to tell her. (hehe). Or how about being picked second for a football team in fifth grade because I ran so fast and none of the boys would tackle me. Oh, the joy I found in being a secret weapon. Or how about getting the opportunity to run at the big High School track. To an eighth grader there is no more adult feeling. And then the feeling of driving to school for the first time. I might as well have left a lexis in that parking lot instead of that poorly parked, rusted white Toyota Corolla. Oh, but to be able to leave school and get into a car to drive home. All eyes sure felt like they were in awe of my adult-ness.

Oh where the Lord has brought me.

To Tennessee in a fleet of "I am super old". That overwhelming feeling of independence that came with the first day of classes. I have my own schedule. My own choices. My own success. And then at Wright State, feeling home was rightfully close... while still being far. And that feeling of... I really can do this. I really can be independent.

And to move off campus. The first feeling of "no strings attached" to campus life. The first feeling of home coming with having a kitchen table and a couch is indescribable. And to have something that belongs to you... that meows? Responsibility has never sounded so sweet or felt so soft.

And now to be touching the edges of "the next step".

It's amazing to think of how far God has brought me. How far and how much He has taught me.

How much.

How deep.

and how far He will take me...

that's my Father.

that's my Father.

Strictly Mathematical

- a friend emailed this to me and I thought it was cool. and I don't even like Math! =)

From a strictly Mathematical Viewpoint:

What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been in situations where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 101%? What equals 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these Questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 1 9 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

AND, look how far the love of God will take you

L- O- V- E-O-F-G-O-D

12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Love of God that will put you over the top!

May the Love of God be your life.

Numerical Breakdown

number overload.

can't wait for stats to be over.

x=+-[(64706178.46170)(16786.0784)]=SE=alpha/square root of n ...... eeek!

In Fine Linen and Purple?

WHAT a task!!!

I woke up this morning and God spoke to me instantly...

much is coming,

much to be excited about.

Funny thing? The message came in a hidden picture. I was looking online for a website that Tamara had suggested for personal studies. Being as how my personal studies really bite the big one lately... I wanted to find some Bible Study material to learn myself. Being a big ol' nerd... I was really looking forward to sinking in to study, study, study the Word. But I couldn't find the website. So.. I'll be contacting Tamara soon.

Nonetheless, I did find a random website that made me wonder about Apex's site. So I turned to Apex's site and looked under the "listen" section to check out Rob's sermons. I scrolled down the page a bit and realized that the page went much further than I imagined. I smiled a painful smile as I read the sermon titles that I sat throught. A little hurt grew up in my heart as I thought about leaving it Apex. Then there was a time period that I wasn't familiar with. Way back in 2002... April 21... "When God gets ahold of Estrogen". It was funny but I wondered what Rob sounded liek when Apex started. Back in the dark ages... in the beginning.... of Apex. I clicked on the sound clip and my friend's voice blared from the recording. I smiled thinking of how "little" Rob sounded. And how poorly it was recorded. Rob introduced Proverbs 31, the first half, and promised to continue the second half the following week. But a few words rang in my ears... words in passing... "I just wanted to thank all the people who helped in moving us in here this week..." the congregation cheered. A biginning was established.

I thought about Matt's beginning. I thought about the opportunities Matt has right now to preach, even prior to him attending Seminary. God is truly at work in him. But in that statement, fear arose... I just don't feel I'm good enough. I just don't feel like I'm that kind of women. Ever felt inadequate for God's work? I really do. And I allow it to scare me.

"How big is God?" I used to ask the kids at work.
"He's bigger than..." began their train of thought as they proceeded to list everything big that they could think of.

Monica, How big is God?

A beginning has such an adventurous start, such an exciting start... and when I get fearful, I wish I'd look at how big God is and stop relying on my sight.

Oh, but I'm not going to lie... my sight is often my default. "Just have faith" a pastor could say... oh and it wouldn't be untruthful.

But sometimes I just feel... inadequate.

But I will go. I will go. Lord, I will go!
And I will learn what "by faith and not by site" truly means.

For the glory of the Lord
[I surely can't do it.]
For the glory of the Lord!

And I need to hold to that.
Oh, how I need to hold to that.

Hasn't Grown Cold

This is a beautiful song that has been swimming in my head this morning. I keep singing the chorus over and over and watching the beautful sky that God has given us. The sunlight, the rolling clouds and the blue sky.... I can't keep from singing.

The thing about this song is that it is sung in a low, reassuring melody that winds and falls with it's slow accompaniment.

See, winter is a time of hibernation for some, but for others... life goes on and much is required. Winter can be a hard time [And it was.] of dark days. It's funny how te weather can affect your mood when you allow it. But even through "hard seasons", this song... it just fits... it just works...

My Love Hasn't Grown Cold Bethany Dillon lyrics

You shake your head
What is so hard to believe?
When you are in your bed
I sing over you the sweetest things

Because oh, my love does not tire
I'm awake when the moon is full
And I know the times when you feel lost
And you just aren't sure

Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you

You cold steal away in the middle of the night
And hide in the light of day
While you cloak yourself in the darkest lies

But oh my love, it swims in the deepest oceans of fear
And as soon as you lower your headI am here

Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you

If only you could see
How heaven stills when you speakI know all your days
And I have wrapped you in mystery

And oh, my love for you
Is as wide as the galaxies
Just hold out your hand and close your eyes
And come be with me


Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold

For you