Dollhouse

There's so much I could write here. There's so much Iw as thinking on the way in to work today. There's an outpouring word vomit of distresses that have plagued my life lately and have slowly chipped away at my sanity until only a piece remains...

But it all boils down to one thing...

I don't like where God has me right now.

Sarah left the church Sunday. And it hurt then. But it hurts now too... a bit worse. See, she was the only real friend I had there. And the only one even remotely close to my age. And it's funny how much it meant to me to see her there. And knowing that I won't see her there anymore hurts. It hurts like knowing I won't see Robin at church hurt... and still does sometimes hurt, even though I never expected her to be at Miamisburg.

And it's funny how one more straw added to the heaping pile is just tearing me down. Some days this load feels unbearable.

I feel like all I do is complain.

Kelly called me yesterday to tell me she was back from Africa and could potentially have Malaria. And I felt like all I did was let out this whirlwind of hurt when she asked me how I was doing.

I'm afraid to talk to people because I don't want to lie about how I feel, but the truth is not too pretty right now.

Alone.

- missing Robin and alone.

Last night I tried to take a "night off" but I've come to realise that I no longer have time that I can take for myself that doesn't leave me feeling guilty for skipping something else.

When did this year become last?

And why can't I choose anymore?

When did this life become a chaos consuming character?

You know it's funny, but I wish I had a smile for Robin. I mean, my best friend deserves a smile. She deserves a Friday night hang-out without tears shed and without "what's left of me" to offer. She deserves a best friend.

- missing Robin.

- alone.

Because it Changes

Today I feel old again. Yes, I can no longer tell people that I am 22. But even though I haven't been 22 for a almost 2 weeks now, I just feel old.

Yes, world, I am 23, in a semi-stable employment opportunity, married, and officially in that "slowing down" part of life.

And it's funny how at the brink of college you thought life would be such a huge adventure with mountain peaks around every corner. How naively young...

But yes... life has "slowed down" to it's time-consuming, exhausting pace.

Friends have moved.

And I've come to think that alone was what I wanted all last year...

and yet now that I'm in it...

I wonder where everyone went.

Rodger brought Becca in to work today. It was a blessing. My little neice got a bit fussy while Rodger was meeting with our boss so I inherited the child for a while. There is nothing like that warm "you are familiar to me" smile across the face of that ten-month old. So she sang and banged a toy tiger on the desk as I typed. It was a litte breath of fresh air.

"You'd make a good mom," a co-worker said as she came by and Becca burried her face in my shoulder. (She's started this new shyness thing.) Then she returned to her singing, banging and teething on my wedding ring and fingers.

I just love that kid to pieces.

She was a nice addition to this otherwise quiet day...

Flicker

You know Lord,
Sometimes I don't understand why You have me where I am. I don't know why the things that hurt do and why home is such a hard concept some days. I don't know why this transition period seems to be a forever period. Or why time seems to evade us and melt into the distance. It's weird how this light of hope seems like an illusion that is nearly burning out and yet I know so much better than to believe that lie. It's like some days seem like years of being stuck in a hole with only a little wick left. The question then remains if I will look toward the light, or merely stare into the overwhelming darkness.

Savior, You can move the mountains.
My God is mighty to save.
He is mighty to save.
Forever, Author of Salvation.
He rose and conquered the grave.
Jesus conquered the grave.

Please, Lord... move me or move my mind......

And a nap would be nice.

-end post.-

Moving on

I was talking to my best friend a few weeks ago. Change... it radiates through life as this child becomes more experienced and lost in the adult world. And it's funny how change sometimes makes you want what was... or maybe that's just me.

Goodbye Andi... enjoy a new state. I will miss you.

I already do.

And then there's facing the change that has happened. And it's funny how unprepared and yet prepared you feel thinking about everything that is to come.

Some day moving boxes will fill our home. And Matt and I will pick up everything we have known and try to make a home wherever God brings us. But even without moving boxes, God still moves us from everything we have to a new place. A new life... A new life-lesson.

"Everybody hopes

That maybe somewhere down this road

We'd finally find that place where we belong

That place where we're complete

The one that occupies our dreams

That place we're lucky to call our home

Well, I have arrived

And I can't keep this inside

So I riase my hands and shout Your name

To praise You with my song

My dreams at hand, I've found my place

the place where I belong..." (MercyMe- The Place Where I Belong)

Throughout all this change... and the change that will come... One remains.

Thank You, Lord, that You remain no matter where life takes our friends and family.

You are the Hope that remains. You are the Hope within.

"So I riase my hands and shout Your name
To praise You with my song
[Your] dreams at hand, I've found my place
the place where I belong..."

From Predictable Cups

It's five til eight and I've been here for twenty. In the dark I came. The dark was surprisingly light. And now solitary piano echos through the empty cubicles surrounding. The dreaded red light was flashing... "no, what could someone want now?" I lucked out... the answer machine required no new tasks of me.

The normal routine emerged... fill the cup, insert tea bag, nuke for one minute and fifteen seconds, apply sugar, stir with two coffee stirr sticks. Only today breakfast came from a noodle cup (yes, Robin, I ate it early today).

I don't mean to sound ridiculously pessimistic, but isn't it funny how four years of college is exchanged for a five by five cubicle and we consider it a good trade? Oh, but if you go for at least two more years and get your masters... then, oh by golly, then you may get a five by five and a half office space... nevermind the extra accrued debt.

But if you love what you do...?

But I just think the mere lifestyles of "office dwellers" entertains me. Same cube, same routine, same... same... day in and day out. And we call this life.

No wonder we create hobbies.

=)

Between Reports

I just wanted to pop in for a moment between reports here at work. Today's a quiet day in the office because of Friday's Holiday Party for all the foster families. So, everyone's either "sick" today, which appears to be the trend, or just thoroughly dedicated to their county reports due tomorrow.

And it's in this moment that I have gotten the opportunityto hide myself away in the back, nearby my Dad's desk, and type away to my piano music. For this introverted girl, I must say... the back's really nice! Occasionally I'll hear someone off in the distance speaking to someone, but not usually. Such rest and peace is back here where the phones and faxes can't find you and the piano wanders off in melodies.

So, as I am sure you are already aware, it is Christmas time. Snow and ice has found Matt and I with one car-scraper between the two of us and a house broom to confront it's advance. But with that blustering wind that cuts to your thermal or non-thermal wear core, comes the sweet, lingering feeling of Christmas. And at that.. a first Christmas with Matt. It's funny to think that in even a few short years Matt and I will look back upon our "beginnings" of that "Cheddar-sized" puff of a Christmas tree. Oh and then there's our Christmas decorations... (clears through) the one snowman and my old stocking. But nonetheless, a "first Christmas" has bloomed at the little one-bedroom apartment and with it comes the sappy new feeling of "us" and the reality of "poor". It's funny how happiness is not tied to materials, but togetherness. And I couldn't be more thrilled with the dollar-store wrapped gifts beneath our tree. Oh, I am sure others will give our loved ones such more amazing and beautiful gifts, but I still can't wait to see my Dad's (squared) faces when the ideas that Matt and I etched into a list become "theirs".

And it's in the wonderful hum-drum of winter and Christmas that I could look at all that I don't have and get lost in the "I wants", which, sadly to say, happened earlier this season. But, God is openning my eyes and my heart to the beauty in the "we don't have"s. And the memories that Matt and I can look back on and laugh about.

Afterall, a beginnning... is not the final product.

- Merry Christmas, dear friends and family.-

Employment Bonus

How many of you can have a half hour face to face conversation with your Dad about what God is doing during your lunch break?

(raises hand)

Yep! I like my job today!

That was neat!

For Today's Thinker

--An Excerpt From Martin Luther's Spiritual Last Will & Testament. CONFESSION CONCERNING CHRIST'S SUPPER (1528), Part 3 by Martin Luther, 1483-1546. Translation by Rev. Robert E. Smith from the German text in: DR. MARTIN LUTHERS WERKE: KRITISCHE GESAMTAUSGABE.(Weimar: Herman Boehlaus Nachfolger, 1909), pp.499-500.--

"Because I see that the mobs are always growing, the number of errors are always increasing and Satan's rage and ruin have no end, I wish to confess with this work my faith before God and the whole world, point by point. I am doing this, lest certain people cite me or my writings, while I am alive or after I am dead, to support their errors, as those fanatics, the Sacramentarians and the Anabaptists, have begun to do. I will remain in this confession until my death (God help me!), will depart from this world in it, and appear before the Judgment Seat of our Lord Jesus Christ.

So that no one will say after my death, ``If Luther was alive, he would teach and believe this article differently, because he did not think it through sufficiently,'' I state the following, once and for all: I, by God's grace, I have diligently examined these articles in the light of passages throughout the Scriptures. I have worked on them repeatedly and you can be sure that I want to defend them, in the same way that I have just defended the Sacrament of the Altar.

No, I'm not drunk or impulsive. I know what I am saying and understand fully what this will mean for me as I stand before the Lord Jesus Christ on the Last Day. No one should think that I am joking or rambling. I'm serious! By God's grace, I know Satan very well. If Satan can turn God's Word upside down and pervert the Scriptures, what will he do with my words -- or the words of others?"


How interesting to think of this excerpt in light of how people have tried to pervert Luther's words even to this day. I just thought this was quite a thinker. So, I wanted ot share it. =)

Like a Child

Do you remember your childhood fantasy?
“When I grow up I want to be a …”
Elementary schools nationwide obsess over a child’s drive toward a future occupation or life-goal. Journal entry after journal entry is written upon, or in Kindergarten, each journal picture is drawn depicting your childhood fantasies. Some pursue those childhood fantasies. “When I was little I wanted to be a Sunday School Teacher,” Carla told me a few weeks ago as she set out chairs for the Miamisburg “Daniel” Bible Study. And yet others merely laugh at their old dreams and ambitions, tossing them to the dusty path of past memories.

When I was little, I, like every other Kindergarten child, wanted to be a teacher. And then I wanted to be any other number of things from a writer to a world-famous babysitter.

Oh yes, there are dreams that have “matured” through the years… At four, I wanted to be a mother of sixteen children. As I grew older my dreams “matured” and I wanted to be a mother of ten, then eight, then four, then three, then four, then eight, and now six children. [I know, I know… I’m crazy and every other comment that you think I haven’t heard and yet have already heard regarding everyone else’s opinion of how I should run this life of “mine.”]

But there is one dream that grew with me and that I haven’t lost… but still hangs in the future, regardless of whether or not it will ever come near. This dream stirs silly childhood, “I can do anything” thoughts. The “I can excel if I put my mind to it” thoughts that come with chocolate milk mustaches. The “I actually could do this,” thoughts that come with experience.

---Yes, world, I’m a dreamer. ---

I wish I could describe the high I felt standing in my purple dress in front of the Jr. High parents. Or that true high, after giving my life to the Lord, that I felt while praying that God would use me from a 45 degree angled big wooden bed as I awaited my first high school musical entrance chords. Or that feeling of looking into the peering faces as I sat on the stage extension, stacking harmonies with a friend. Or the high of standing, with knocking knees, before my high school youth group and strumming my first few chords of worship. Or the feeling of stepping away from the microphone sophomore year of college and hearing a sea of voices carry the chorus of “How Great is Our God.” I wish I could describe the high of standing in the recording studio, with my favorite person to sing with standing beside me. The tension pulsed through me as we “sang like we always do,” but this time with a different, one-shot-take audience. I wish I could describe the complete assurance of who you were created to be of standing in a dark room, releasing the very pit of who you are with a group of teenagers and a few buzzing chords.

It’s weird how God has taken me from desiring the fame of my name to desiring His Fame. And yet He has used the same tool all these years.

It’s weird, but I really don’t feel that He is finished with that tool yet. In fact, the child within me leaps at the thought of what He could do with a willing pair of hands.


And what He already has done…

Rhyming Whatnots

Kind friends in the land of virtual reading,
I wanted to send word of my continual breathing.
For recently my existence you may have doubted,
But no fear, my friends, I haven't been outed.

For here in the quiet I wait for a task
As deep sighs of boredom here do pass.
For here at work all files have been filed
And sadly indeed all lowly reports compiled.

Minutes birth months, Seconds birth hours,
But still hope lives within me and in me it flowers.
For when alas the hour of five arrives
Out to the streets we'll run like bees to our hives.

Car after car we'll fill the streets in a car ballet
And stop-and-go traffic will begin with no delay.
As this passenger smiles at the time therefore wasted
And wonders if she'll make it despite no time hasted.

But after the days and hours and weeks,
To the church she'll arrive with color in her cheeks.
And there the weekend she'll spend with the youth
Each one joyously grinning sharing each tooth.

Alas, my dear friends, the big and the small,
Indeed, Monica's not dead... no not dead at all.
She is merely enjoying what life brings her way,
The job, the traffic, the ministry and the play.

So to all as the time comes, and indeed comes quite fast,
I wish you the most blessed Thanksgiving blast.
And may you find thanks in each and every way,
For the things God has given you, throughout each boring day.

=)

Flushed Wisdom

I woke up this morning thinking. I know, scary!!! Who knew... Monica thinks?

I wondered what the elderly must think. You know, we young folks have only experienced just a piece of what it is to be an American, but the elderly have seen so much change in their lifetime.

And I just began to think a bit about some of the wisdom that could be hidden in their eyes.

I'm not naive enough to believe that age equals wisdom. But some age does equal wisdom. And I began to wonder when we as a society began not to respect that wisdom.

Now in days the common thought is that the elderly in our communities are too old for ____ and really anything can be filled into the blank. Driving, taking care of themselves, etc. But at what point in society did we make that conclusion. I'm sure it was near the time that we as a society decided that parents are no longer sources of apprenticeship, but aliens who never experienced the struggles that "we kids" go through. And now we call that rebellion "the teenage years". Only that theory is no longer holding to merely teenage years as "pre-teens" have begun to adopt the same level of disrespect. But that's a whole other topic, though tied in some way.

I just was thinking this morning in the quiet of our apartment. I wondered what wisdom lies behind elderly eyes. Wars, they have seen. Hurt. Destruction. Famine. Deprivation. They have survived it all. Yes, some are cynical and have resorted to hating every day of existence. But I wonder what is behind the smiling eyes of the elderly who have experienced all this change in our country, from the introduction of cars to the Internet. What do they think as they look into public schools? What do they think as they view our dealings with Iraq and now the talk of Iran? What do they think as homosexual laws are spoken of? Or what do they think of the growing pornography industry?

Do they miss home? When they look at the amount of children in foster care, do they miss home? Or when they watch our generation devalue their worth and their wisdom, do they just want to go home?

I'm not saying that all the people in our generation hate the elderly. This is not a political or psychological stance that I am ever planning on taking. But when it comes to the elderly, are we really seeing those rightly who have overcome so much in their lives and still cling to the cross? We, on Christ's side of the cross, are we seeking out and respecting their wisdom? Or is the assumption of Alzheimer's our default?

I was just thinking...

I was just wondering...

The Middle Class

Casting Crowns has a new album out and there's this song called, "Caught in the middle" that is my newest ear candy (as Phil Wing says). Casting Crowns has been notorious for sending out a lyrical challenge for the Christian Church to be alive and real. And this song speaks just to that challenge. See, I'm cool with accepting that challenge and the lyrics flow from my life as long as I don't have to act it out when it really hurts.

"Fearless warriors in a picket fence

Reckless abandon caught in common sense

Deep water faith in the shallow end
and we're caught in the middle..."

I thought I'd try it. Who knows what I'd find. Nothing else was working. Marcia answered the phone, "hi, do you need a job?" Today I observed the children because Marcia refused to allow me to make a contract to teach before knowing what I had signed up to do. "The wild ones" were their logo. But when I saw their faces I knew the three year old mentality was just a phase of socialization that these kids were struggling to grasp. I talked with Theresa about the needs and my ideas to help encourage the functioning of that social group. Baby steps, but with some time, consistency, and love those children could really learn to function in their little social world. "You are an answer to our prayers," the honesty rang from my friend's lips. "I can't promise a long period of time," reality spoke from our checkbook. "But even if you're here for a little while..." I left that building I had left so many times before, but this time feeling I truly was supposed to return.

"An interview," my voicemail promised. The two words I have been waiting for three weeks to hear. Yet my heart broke. I looked at the building still before me.
'You are an answer to our prayers.'

I've learned that an interview doesn't promise a job. Oh, how I've learned that. But how can I be at two places? What does Your timing really look like, God? Especially in light of all this.

I found the middle today.

...................now what?.....................now where?...........................

Crickets...and Updates

Hi there, friends. It's been a few days since I've even thought about typing in an entry. But for those of you who are feverishly hungry for the fulfillment that comes with reading my blog... I'm writing for you. Hey, where'd everyone go? (crickets.)

Well, anyway... I'm writing none the less. Not a whole lot has changed recently. I am enjoying the married life. Matt and I are learning more and more of what it means to share everything and function as a unit. That's fun. It's challenging at times, but Matt and I really do work well (surprise, surprise), so it's fun too.

Tonight is an Associational Meeting at our church, so that means Matt and I get to pretend to be competent leaders of the youth group. [J/k... Matt is competent.] But anyway, I get to sing in the mass choir made up of 6 or so churches that will be "entertaining" the evening session of the meeting tonight. And Matt and I get to suffer through the early session as "church representatives". I honestly look forward to it. I know, that officially classifies me as a loser AGAIN. But I am actually excited to spend the evening with a bunch of church leaders from some 10 or so area churches. I don't really know why, but it just makes me feel... involved... and a part of something so much bigger than our little church. Funny how God has excited my heart about a silly little meeting. But none the less... excited I am.

For those of you who haven't heard my complaining recently (I now, that's no one), but yes, it is true, I am still sick. Yes, I've been sick for about 3 weeks and am still sick. It seems to be a constant lifestyle for me lately. But hey... there ya go.
But in light of being sick, I have relearned the value of having two functioning nostrils, pukeless feeling tendencies, and sleep.

I am a part of a Daniel study that the ladies at our church are going through and that is fun. It's neat to be involved in a women's group. And it's neat to get to meet the ladies outside of the typical 5 minutes of "meet and greet" during the service.

So, yeah... that's me for now... sick, enjoying the feel of a small church, and thrilling in the little things that God is allowing me to be a part of. And for the record... while I am still jobless, I am learning daily to appreciate the opportunities God has given me while I've been unemployed. (For example, I've gotten to help out a friend, annoy another friend -love ya, Robin!-, meet with an old youth during "working hours", eat lunch with Matt, and I'll get to go support Matt at his first funeral. ) I am focusing more and more on the value of God's circumstances and opportunities in my life right now. And even in loss of what I thought I needed, I am finding God's blessing. Thanks be to God for teaching me to rely more fully on what He declares to be my needs. I love You, Lord.

This One

I was talking to a good friend as I drove her back to her apartment. We discussed "this generation" and our concerns about it. I brought up the fact that no one seems to get out of the way for the emergency vehicles anymore. Oh we might stop, if the vehicle appears to need to turn in front of us on a four lane road. Or if it's a cop, well they could give us a ticket, so we'll stop. But I have noticed as a few ambulances have passed me in the past week, that no one really moves over anymore. Are we that selfish of a generation?

I got my blood donor card in the mail today (well, a few days ago, but I just now opened it). You'd think I was a hero with the way that the letter and even shiny pamphlet thanked me again and again for my generosity. The printed words emphasized over and over again through flattering words that I had "saved three people's lives" and all this other hero-like puffing up. Oh I know there's always a blood shortage. Run from the needles. Run! - No really, those needles are not small.- But it was wild to watch the desperate plea from the American Red Cross for a few pints of my blood. Are we that selfish of a generation?

I just kind of wondered what this generation will come to. As my friend mentioned this morning we are the "don't discipline them" generation and the "don't give them an F in school or it'll hurt their feelings" generation. And I wonder what will become of us. Oh, I know what the end product will be. But I wonder in the midst of this process what will be the choices and the chaos our generation causes. I find it funny that our generation doesn't want to grow up. Why would we when our childhood was so "protected"? I mean why not be a tween (twenty year old who acts like a teenager). Why stop going to school? We know when we graduate we'll have to grow up, so get another degree, head on to grad school... heck even get your PhD. But once you're done with school... then what? Is it really that college has become another extension of high school? I mean I talk to people all the time about their future families and they stress that they don't want to have too many kids because they won't be able to pay for all of their children's college. Even in my own desire for a big family, the immediate response is "how will you pay for their college". And I think... I WON'T! It's their education, not mine! I had to do it on my own and I learned so much from it. Why deprive them of that chance to grow up?

But even beyond our generation, I wonder what's going to happen to the next generation. The generation our generation produces. You know... the germophobic generation. Haven't you see the commercials? The Lysol mom. Kid sneezes, but the "good" mom is there and ready to wipe off the kid's doorknob to disinfect the house so the child won't die from the norms of life. It's hilarious! And the new Lysol commercial where the mom and kids are running and playing in the completely bleached out household and the voice over speaks of that being the "ideal". Man, I can't imagine how the medical companies are going to prosper in our future. Because if you're not exposed to illness... you have a weak immune system. Seriously dude, I grew up eating stuff off the ground and I haven't died yet!!!

What's happening to this generation and what will be the effects of this one on the next generation? It's wild to think about it.

It really is wild.

Outside... the longing

Have you ever wanted to take flight? See the world? Leave it all behind?

I guess it's the adventurous spirit within me that yearns for such a "who knows where I could go" experience every once in a while. How I'd love to leave this all behind for a little while with no regrets and "see the world". Backpacking... biking... hiking.... camping out in the remotest parts of nowhereville. See the ocean crashing along the great shoreline. Walk through deep forests (with much bug spray) and up high mountainsides. Feel the exhaustion of accomplishment.

And then the reality of laundry, dinner to make, bills to pay, a job to get, and a cat to feed suck the adventure right out of this wanderer.

Oh well, looks like the only adventure I'll be having for now is this cough and headache.

Truthful Reflection

Ever looked in the mirror and saw you were running a fever?

-coughs and tries to use the left nostril to breathe.-

A Fight

Discipline is "my way" leaving the body. Discipline is "I can't" leaving the body. Discipline is rebellion leaving the body.

And true discipline requires a sacrifice. And true discipline may yield pain of some variety.

Yet the rewards for true discipline usually take some patient waiting, but will be far greater than anything you could ever imagine.

Reality

It's a Tuesday night.. I'm at college. ...

nothing but junkmail in my career path.

boo.... hiss.....

-angry eyes-

Announcing...

They're in

and Chris did awesome.