One For Me

Cast:
Me - myself
"the guy" - representative of Matt in appearance, but not in character
Miranda - my friend Miranda in appearance, though not in character
Chris - Miranda's husband, yet non-existent in the plot


Sketch:

Me and the guy are riding in a car late one night.

Me: Miranda wants to marry you as a backup plan in case her and Chris don't work out

the guy: No... no

Me: No, I really don't think it's a bad idea, I think you should go for it

Various explanations mumbled against the silence.

the guy: Ok, fine


[Implied few months later.]

The church is filled with people, not a pew-space available. Big hats, flowery dresses, much chatter. An organ plays in the background. A bride and groom stand on the church stage by the altar. Some dialogue ensues between pastor and couple, but exact words cannot be deducted through side conversations.

Me: Sits there in shock, mouth agaping; obviously having changed mind about wedding plans.

Exit music begins and bridal party starts to leave.

Me: exits in overwhelmed emotional state after bride/groom

the guy: notices Me running to the bathroom and pursues.

Me: enters restroom stall and bawls hysterically and exhaustively.

the guy: [through the closed bathroom door] What's wrong? Are you okay?

Me: [between sobs] Those vows you just said canceled our vows and isn't it illegal to have more than one wife?

the guy: No, it's only illegal to have three or more wives, not two.

Me: [between sobs] Are you going to dance with her? [Implied after-reception activity. "Dancing" held to Me character as something that she only does with her husband because of feeling comfortable enough with him to look a fool.]

the guy: Yeah. But I won't do anything else.

Me: runs from bathroom, wet with tears, toward parking lot.

the guy: does not pursue Me, but walks in the direction of his new bride.


And then I woke up in a cold sweat and nearly in tears. Matt lay beside me, breathing heavy. The clock read 4 something.

It didn't really happen. I tried to reassure my mind as I came out of that dream-like haze. This is here and now. This is real. He wouldn't do that. And Miranda wouldn't do that. That was some nightmare. But I was sleepy enough to have an altered reality.

I put my arm out...

I didn't want to wake him.
He needs his sleep.

4:15AM

4:25 AM

4:45AM

the numbers changed, but sleep never came.

At 5, I hugged him and wouldn't let go. He woke up.
I told him.
He laughed initially when I explained the setting.

"What a jerk!" His sleepy voice empathized.

He rolled over, "Well you don't have to worry about me marrying anyone." He put his arm around me, "You're the only one for me."



-I have no idea why I had that nightmare, I know that Matt's promise is forever. And it just tipped my world a little off thought with how real it all felt. I can't even image what a wife must feel who goes through a divorce. I still have no idea what induced that dream, maybe I ate something funny, but what I do know is that I am blessed not to have to worry about any situation like that.-

A Wanted Change

Just as an FYI, this website can be accessed through "moe4him.blogspot.com" as well as the title "todaysmeans.com." [I'm not sure if there will come a day in which "moe4him's" address no longer directly connects to this site, so please don't forget "todaysmeans".) Yes, that means that I changed the page's name to "todays means" because I felt it appropriate for each changing statge of life. Afterall, we are not promised tomorrow. Beyond that fact, God is constantly changing the ways that I think about Him and how to best spread His Name. Therefore, each post is merely "todays means" of living in this world.

It's been over a week since the adventure, but it's worth a quick post. Seminary was great.

Not only was it so neat to feel proactive in our future, it was such a blessing to be surrounded by Christ-seeking, Christ-honoring users of the very mind God gave them. While I'm sure there are some, seminary students and professors are so much more than intellectuals. And it was neat how often that was mentioned in the orientation weekend.

And it was wonderufl to get away with my husband. God really used the time to remind me that even thought it may feel like my husband is married to our little church in a nice little competition with our marriage at times, God has called US to His way for our lives. And it was so nice to feel the US in His plans to move us and grow us where He would have us. He knows how much that touches my heart. And I am so blessed by the Lord's lesson in my life.

Oh, and did I mention how beautiful the campus was...

my goodness... all the trees... the beautifully old buildings...

well take a look for yourself. It's pictured above.

Oh right, I forgot the camera.

- lame -

Partially Because I'm a Nerd

Tomorrow, Matt and I will be going to Southern. I really am so excited! It's a fun start to schooling that feels more like the "real deal" with each passing day. I can't even imagine what Matt must be thinking about starting his final stage of schooling toward getting the degree that the Lord called him to about 3 or so years ago. Only knowing my husband he'd probably have some calm, cool response to my childish joy. You know, some logical, well-thought-out, "well, technically my schooling has been pursuing what God has called me to" or "well, we'll just see how well I do in Seminary before getting all excited." But I'm more than happy to run through my clover field with shoes tossed to the wind.

But even beyond the joys of moving forward with Matt's schooling comes the excitement of pursuing our family goals and dreams together. I really feel like Matt and I, while him being the graded student, will walking forward together from start to finish in his Master's of Divinity. It's just so neat to watch him run after the Lord's call on his life and I'm so blessed to be a part of it.

And then this dorky tendencies arises within me at the thought of reading Matt's textbooks in apologetics, Biblical history, and even Greek. Yep, that's right, Matt married a full out nerd who can't wait to read textbooks. What a pick!

But it's just neat to start to see the fruit of Matt's perseverance. And it's really neat to think of our steps toward God's purpose in our lives. It kind of makes the sacrifices and the annoyances of the work field feel more worth it in my most impatient moments.

I'm so blessed that God has opened my mind to the joys of what feels like big steps in Him.

Congratulations, Matt, on being ordained and getting ready to finish your undergraduate degree. I am so proud of you.

- I love you.-

A Due Change

So I'm thinking about changing the name of this site. - as in the moe4him address part.-

Any suggestions?

Familiar, Family Confusion - with psychotic features

You know, there comes a point in your life in which you have to decide about family. Some people just have a predisposition to keep family contacts, regardless of how far away the family members are, and then there’s the rest of us… we suck. And then there comes the extra complication of moving, whether it be out of state or cross-country. But then there’s this weird feeling that overtakes me sometimes… it’s the storm of wanted relationships that are lost… and yet not even knowing where to start.

It’s funny but moving cross-country at 8 kind of trapped me between two worlds in some ways. See, there’s this part of my life that I could refer to as my childhood that seems to be stranded in California and then my adolescence is somehow caught in Cincinnati. But in the passage of time on the road between, I seem to have lost some belongings. California seems like a dream, my extended family is mere evidences that just maybe California was real at times. But then it’s like I get caught in this childish naivety that what is not close, distance-wise, cannot be close. And then forgotten, lost friends and family fall in the wake of this Titanic thinking.

It’s funny how family means something completely different after getting married. You know, there’s some marriages where the newly weds’ in-laws seem to be family and then there’s other situations where I hear the “dreaded in-laws” concept. You know, it’s the concept that Hollywood Hallmarks as the “typical” situation; stiff and unwavering family traditions that refuse “non-blood” relationships and marry-ins.

But even beyond the family context, I think age teaches an adult to value family more, yet it’s kind of funny that children appear to be more adaptable to the change of a growing family. But then again… all I can speak from is my own experiences and observations of other families and my own.

I must confess, though, that I have found myself stuck in a tangle of regret and determination. I don’t want to be “far” from family members while sharing a meal. I don’t want to have absolutely no idea about my sister’s life or even my sisters-in-laws’ lives. I don’t want to wake up in ten years, 300,000 miles from my family only to find that even if I lived down the street from them, I wouldn’t know them.

Since I moved from California at such a young age, I didn’t contact my extended family. I never wrote much beyond the first year of moving. I got absorbed in “here and now” and slowly began to think less of my “California family” and then they became strangers.
And part of me doesn’t know how to relate to them from this point on, I’m not going to lie. And there’s much regret in those thoughts. And then there’s a determination birthed from that processing spurring me on to maintain current family relationships.

Yet there’s this funny lapse that I do quite frequently. I’m in Ohio, my extended family is all over the place… and there’s this odd disconnect between the two as if they both cannot exist. Both California and Cincinnati cannot exist simultaneously. The California I remember is no more. And yet so is the Cincinnati. And then I wonder, so where does that leave me?

Anyone else out there stuck in a similar oddity or is it just my psychotic features showing?



- This counseling session brought to you in high definition recording upon mail-in request. - HA! (Sorry for unloading a rambling blah this morning.)

"All I'd Wish I'd Said"

I'm just poking around through reading material regarding play therapy techniques, general counseling techniques for child-parent psychotherapy of child witnesses of family violence, and other "attempting to get ahead" materials. Now that I have my own office, playing a familiar CD is not a disruption to others, so I enjoyed a new, yet I've had it for a good while, taste of thought processing through music. And this song graced my ears. So as it's on repeat for the past ten to fifteen minutes, I thought I'd share it right quick before I take my break on down to Subway to get my last meal before the 30 hour famine with the youth begins.


Hold On by Nicole Nordeman
(dedication by Nicole: for Meredith and all I'd wish I'd said)

It will find you at the bottom of a bottle
It will find you at the needle's end
It will find you when you beg and steal and borrow
It will follow you into a stranger's bed
It will find you when they serve you with the papers
It will find you when the locks have changed again
It will find you when you've called in all your favors
It will meet you at the bridge's highest ledge

So baby don't look down, it's a long way
The sun will come around to a new day

So hold on
Love will find you
Hold on
He's right behind you now
Just turn around
And love will find you


It will find you when the doctor's head is shaking
It will find you in a boardroom, mostly dead
It will crawl into the foxhole where you're praying
It will curl up in your halfway empty bed
So baby don't believe that it's over
Maybe you can't see 'round the corner?


To hang between two thieves in the darkness
Love must believe you're worth it
You're worth it...

So hold on
Love will find you
Just turn around, He's right behind you now
Just turn around...

love will find you


~ I particularly enjoy the way that Nicole Nordeman describes the refuge and rescue characteristics of the Lord. And this song was also neat to think of in light of the truth that God is Love. Therefore, the names can be used interchangably. It was a neat reminder of God's grace this morning that I hope blessed your heart through mere text of Truth. Too bad I can't actually play the song for you reader(s), but posting the lyrics seems to be the scope of my posting practice abilities. Let me know if you'd like to hear the song sometime and I'll loan you the CD. It's on the "Brave" CD entitled "Hold On". You can click on the link and scroll down to get a clip of it if you'd like.

Moving on to the Next Paper

Training day one...

"And here's a bunch of crap you won't remember anyway so knodd your heads and we'll move onto the next paper. This one's the taddle-tale form, the next one's a big packet on the computer program that doesn't work so you can read it later- as a bedtime story cause you're not human if it doesn't put you to sleep, or you can take my approach... call Dale (computer programing guy) and don't bother reading the manual at all."

Training day two...

"Yes, and Vicky... you can click in under the following password."

"It's Monica..."

"Huh?"

"My name's Monica, Sir."

"Oh okay, thanks for correcting me. I really appreciate it. I guess Vicky left earlier (checks his papers)."

"So Wendy, just look at the computer next to you and I'll show you what I mean."

-sigh-

Welcome newbie!

Farewell

Goodbye CHOICES.

-bittersweet farewell-

Extinguished

Have you ever felt a deep pain for someone? I'm not talking about an over-dramatized, scripted pain, but one of true, sincere hurt. You have to have felt true, sincere hurt in order to fully understand.

I passed her old house today and wondered where she is... who she is...
You know it's funny how God creates those who appear so strong, yet have never known the depth of strength.
They have never drank a measure of their own depth of mind... or heart. Their deep remains a lost mystery.

How then can one ever try to explain true Life if they have never wanted to understand their own?

I wonder if experience truly breaks someone down ...
or only adds to their created thinking?

I wonder...

how to carry light to content darkness?

or even ...

how to explain to another that their light's batteries will fade out completely


when they so desperately insist that your wick will die first.

Choice Love

God has convicted me to hold an accountability with a wonderful resource He has given me. Through this accountability, voicemail messages are left each morning confessing triumph or failure in reading the Lord's Word daily.

He has opened my eyes to the reality that He has set before me fantastic witnesses and tools for spurring each other on and I have been careless and lazy in failing to use them to further His Name.

But this morning He really opened my eyes to His Beauty. A phone call came at "too early" o'clock in which to hold me accountable and in which to cause me to hold another accountable. And I agreed with the person, lowering my choices with a familiar habit.

I drove into work this morning with unfamilairly early traffic... reports are due by 4:00 today. And a warm, passionate voice spoke through lyric. The words natural, yet foreign in many ways to me. Isn't it funny how God can take a concept that has been taught to you for nine years and teach you to re-think it and re-think it until you posses His mind and determination about it?

Choice.

It is my choice to grow in or fail away from the Lord.

It is my choice to place Him at highest priority.

MY choice.

Not another's.

See, for so long I expected my faithful walk to come "naturally." Of course there's struggles, I'm perfectly fine with admitting that, but some level of naivety lived within that statement for the past nine years.

Love. It is something to work at, not natural at all. See, we are a self-pleasing flesh. So love, in it's purest and most basic sense is a sacrifice. I choose to do this because I love you. I choose to accept this about you because I love you. Too much of our society teaches that love is what you receive from a relationship, turning the focus inward and selfish in nature. But it is a choice. Matt and my marriage is not going to last on a romantic high. (I knew that coming in to the relationship.) But the only way it is going to last is not in the way that my family has survived. See, my family has survived in that I have loved them because that was all I knew and some inherent bond that the Lord created caused me to stick with them through thick and thin. (though I think the latter part of the previous statement applies to Matt and I as well.) But this love... this marriage is a choice. Daily I choose to love Matt and be in love with this man, Matt, and only Matt for the rest of my life.

I am a part of the bride of Christ. And it is a daily choice to love my Groom. Some days I wake up and think, "no, not today. no more today," because my flesh is weak. I just want to survive today. I just want to last through today. I'll never get this whole daily Bible reading down so why even bother. I'll never be perfect until Heaven so why even bother. And I choose to accept that love should gratify me. It should be an easy and automatic high. It should be a romance... not a lasting love. But when it comes down to it, many times my relationship with God is a romance. His Spirit sweeps over me in a way that I cannot keep from responding through praise. His voice whispers Truth in my mind. He pursues my thoughts, He opens my inner being and calls it beautiful, He smiles at my obedience, and He even blesses me when I stumble. And yet other times I must choose to read His word. I must choose to sing His praise when it's not easy... it's not a romance. It's a love.


And it's amazing how the Lord has opened up this Truth to my mind...
through my husband.

- I love the Lord... He is my Love.
Thank You, Lord. Thank You.
Thank You.

Rainy Green Gabled Joy

A rainy day calls for a good book.

I don't care who you are ...

there's no denying the joys of a good rainy day book.


It's 10AM, but my lunch break beckons.


Don't worry, Anne, I shall visit you soon.

Just a Letter

The time has finally come... thank You, Lord.

It went into their boxes.

Thank You, Lord.

Just some typing ...

but it brings much hope.

~ temporary is feeling more-so . ~

Tomorrow

You know, tomorrow's the interview. The light at the end of the tunnel, I hope. How it would be nice to find a job that would allow me to serve Matt as well in our marriage. It's odd how "ready" and yet completely unprepared one feels at the completion of a "lifegoal". But the diploma has yet to be hung... and already burnout ensues. I wish I felt like what I did mattered to the child who repetitively cussed me out as I bent over backward to do things for her. Miles on end I drove for her "convenience" only to sit in an empty apartment and return in two hours of traffic. It's moments like those that you really want to throw the towel in on a kid. You want to loose your mind and not take it anymore.

God opened my eyes on the last car-ride home. I tried so hard for the pavement not to swallow my character. I really hate rush-hour. And in the frustrated silence He reminded me that I was that undesirable in my sin. I was that hate-worthy and filthy. I spoke such vulgar, hateful words defying the very help I needed. And yet He loved me.

Sin is sin. I'd love to stand at her door pointing telling God that there's no way I am that sinful. There's no way my sin looks as bad as that. But how can this unjust one dare define justice and righteousness?

It's ugly to think that my sin looks the same way to my Father. How filthy and un-me I feel at that thought. Yet it is true. Sin is sin. And it's ugly. And it dirties the beautiful gown of Christ's Bride. No sin is too dirty for our Savior to clean. But all sin is too dirty for our character growth. And it's in the time of mind-renewing that the Lord chose on I-75 that repentance once-again looked as necessary as it is.

And the child who refuses help, is most needy of all.
Only there's nothing I can do to change her.
It's only the Lord's work.


Would You, Lord? I don't have to be there to see it.
But would You please help her fall at Your feet?


-No matter where I end up... Lord, please use me.-

Dreaming Plain

I got this email from a friend speaking in excitement about their opportunity to possibly go to a recording studio in the near future. They were talking of a free recording studio sitting with friends who were near professional instrumentalists and good background vocals...

and green slipped in

It was odd how excited I was for my friend.... and yet how over-my-head it all felt.

It's funny how intimidating it felt to be asked if I would help with some of the building blocks...

and I realised that I'm not talented enough to make anything but plain music.

I've been dreaming....

banging out Truth on a church piano late at night

I can't even play the piano, but something arose within me that made me think just maybe I could try.

And I sing the same few songs over and over....

plaguing my neighbor's ears...

because it's what God gave me...

what He's taught me...

And I've been dreaming in the car...

But I really don't think I have much to offer.

I really can honestly tell you, cyberworld, that there are 5 million other people out there that have better voices, greater ranges, and more skills than this twenty-something wanna-be dreamer.

And it was quite scary to admit the reality as the type came before me that I just don't have that skill level...

that's just way out of my league.

(sigh)

Communication Triumph

Monday, Matt and I went to a convention at Cedarville. I had gotten the day off because of our 6 month (and I really just wanted the day OFF) and since Matt was going to the convention thingy, I just signed myself up with him. [Only I really didn't sign up literally... it's a form of speech... yeah.] So out to Cedarville we went, Matt, Rodger and myself. It was fun to sit in the car and hear the two men talk about God and the church. It's so easy to see in moments like those how strong of a friendship this father and son have made throughout the years. It was a blessing.

So at the convention we syphoned into the main auditorium during the official welcome from some guy with many initials and importance attached to his title. We heard 1.5 speakers and 1.5 preachers. (I distinguish the two merely on an opinion basis of the passion, deliverance, and focus of the three messengers.) And then the ride home from Cedarville consisted of another passionate conversation regarding evangelism, Christ-centeredness, and a rounded Christ-focused lifestyle. Again, I was thrilled to be in the midst of scriptural reference, God-honoring opinions and fellow brothers in Christ who are striving to give their full minds to the Lord. I can't tell you how long it's been since I've participated (as tiny of a participation as I did) in an intelligent, analytical conversation regarding Christians applying their minds to God's mystery.

I forgot how much it excites me to be in the midst of such conversation, and yet remain merely a listener in so much of the conversation. It was GREAT!

And then Matt and I went out to dinner to celebrate our 6 months.

I could not have picked a more awesome anniversary - convention and all.

Question: Do you find yourself intimidated or energized by Christ-centered conversation?

Glowing

This past Sunday it was announced, only we knew it since Wednesday, but it still became official. I am officially a Pastor's Wife. That's right, my husband was ordained Sunday night. Now, all he has to do is complete seminary to be hired on as a "associate" or "senior" pastor somewhere. And I have to have a moment here, since this is my webpage, to tell all those few readers of this here ranting and raving that Matt's face was absolutely glowing. It was so awesome to see on his face how blessed he was at the wonderful turn-out of old friends and mentors. Matt was so overwhelmed by the "tremendous" night.

And then to top it off, the following day was our 6 months.

Talk about a rockin' sweet weekend!

Assertion - if it's a word

You know, I've come to learn that the best way that I have learned to be assertive is to find myself in a "desperate" place with an opportunity on the horizon.

What is your motivation to be assertive?

Today's Lion

I love him. =)

Rush Hour

I cannot say that satisfaction has come to me regarding life's current demands in comparison to my desires, but I am able to report to you faithful 2 or 3 readers that I am at a greater peace with the pace and requirements of this stage of my life than I have been in sinse finding employment where I am employed. While I continue to seek employment in my mindset and, time permitting (HA!), with tools during my freetime. But it has come to me, through a series of mind-changing thought processes by the Lord, that there very well may be an end to this tunnel. And this claustrophobic, nyctophobic (or Scotophobic), situational perminency-phobic will one day be a non-existent, dreamlike phase of a life once-known to be "now."

And that can put a smile on anyone's face.

Even during rush hour.