19 weeks.

Now doesn't that look comfortable?
No wonder baby's a bit more active than last week.

Oh, and Matt comes home today... YAY!!!

Men or Mice?

What is the value of human life?

"I would rather one random man die than a poor little mouse." My co-worker explained her flowing tears and frantic running about the room after finding a "baby" mouse with broken leg struggling on a glue trap in the group room.

Just days before she had cursed the mouse who left it's droppings and ate group snacks.

This same mouse that could drive an otherwise opinionatedly strong woman to stand on a chair screaming and flailing her arms as the preschoolers looked on calmly.

Two of us stood there watching - me with bare toes a few feet from the whiskered one.
And three screamed, climbed on furniture, and otherwise convinced the six children that the world was ending.

- I just found the whole situation odd. That's all.
Overwhelmingly odd. -

It's a Boy!

Ellen had her ultrasound this morning and it's a boy! I'm so excited for her. She called me all bubbly and obviously smiling as she shared the "healthy boy" news. And it was cool to hear her joy as she shared that Ron and she had a conversation in which they both marveled at having "children" not just child. The concept really made me smile and has brightened my day completely. I'm so happy for them.

Saturday I drove to Guitar Center to pick up some strings. And as I looked in the rear-view mirror the thought hit my mind in a more solid form than before, "I'm going to be running errands with a little person in the backseat soon." I couldn't wipe the smile from my face. I can't tell you how wonderful of a thought it was to think of a little sleeping one in the backseat as being "my baby" and not just a niece or friend's kiddo. Oh they're just as cute sleeping in the backseat, but "my baby" thoughts fluttered in my mind.

Well, friends, the nursery is done. Robin and I started and finished it last night. That's right, it's simple and totally us (that is Matt and I, not Robin and I us). Touches of blue (cause I love the color and so does Matt) and beautiful little painted on butterflies, bees and flowers. With a touch of ivy leaves and classic Winnie the Pooh wallpaper pieces, it's a warm little room of simplistic welcoming. And the bassinet/cradle Mom gave us adds this wonderful feel of new and comfort to the room. I absolutely love it. I absolutely love it. And I spent a little while last night just rocking away in the rocking chair Jes and I had the privilege of teething on and sleeping in. I gazed at the newly stamped walls and the sparkles of the blue glittered lava lamp on the wall... it was better than I had imagined. Simply wonderful.

Can't wait for Matt to get home and see it. I hope he's as pleasantly surprised as I was... and still am.

July 28th's our ultrasound. And I'm looking forward to "seeing" our little one for the first time.
The little fingers... the little toes... that's just going to be fun!

- take care, all. back to the grind here at work. -

Made-Up Parenting

A pregnancy tracker through emails. What a novel concept. And more than one place has learned their run of prenatal baby facts to bombard an expectee's account with useless rantings and spam. So of course I had to sign up!

Today's 18 week update (sent 2 days late) showed picture of little "alien baby" (Matt's words) with much detail of development. And then came the "have to" s and "gotta have"s that every pregnant woman apparently is completely insufficient in raising a prenatal baby without. "Just what in the world did we ever do before it all," Matt commonly comments in overwhelmed sarcasm. =)

Babysit for a day. Came the suggestion for those freaking out about childcare. Ask you best friend to babysit their child for a day and make it up as you go along was the meat and potatoes of the text. The title should have been "mess you friend's kid up for a day." But I did find it interesting of a concept. You know, a little experimentation upon close relationships... such a great idea. Hehe. Burn those that love you the most. j/k

But then I thought.. see the funny different in raising a child and raising someone else's child is you call the shots. You are the authority. It's not asking friend what their rules are and the baby's eating times are and nap times, etc. It's shoot from the hip, make it up and figure it out. Being one who has babysat MANY a time, this new concept of parenting sounds like fun. And I am fully confident that we're gonna mess this kid up good! Yeah buddy!!!! =)

I tease. But I was thinking after reading the article that this parenting thing is going to be quite funny. See, initially Ellen spoke about feeling so in shock that the baby crying down the hallway was hers. And that realization that the fussy and poopy one was being handed back to her to change, not anyone else. She was the default. But then life became so normal as the default that she had a hard time imagining life without the baby's toothless gurgling.

A soon-to-be second mom speaks with confidence in raising two children. But the fact is... she'll be making it up as well as Matt and I will be. Yes, she has more experience in raising one child, but she has no experience in raising two.

I guess it just makes me feel a lot better to see each parent with one child on the same playing field... shooting from the hip and trying not to break their kid too much. And while another friend's report of 3rd and 4th children just falling into the mix of regular life with ease makes sense, it's nice to know that when it is all boiled down... we parents are just making parenting up; one rule at a time.

Living Water

- docked for a reason -

The Outside

For those of you who don't know...

I have had this desire for almost 5 years. I want to see God at work outside of the US.

I want to see God's worldview, life outside of fashion, make-up, hair products, riches, and liberalism. I want to see a world outside of "elevated living" in which time seems to "stand still" and days are built around cooking, cleaning, and truly living. I really want a more realistic worldview. A Biblical worldview.

Am I selfish? Probably. Is the point of my wanting that I can bring home a nice ethnically diverse picture for a church slide show? No.

I just believe that there is so much more out there that we American Christians have fooled ourselves and convinced ourselves that doesn't exist. I believe that non-Americans have great value and are quite possibly are even living their faiths more Biblically than us. I believe that a poor person is not to be labeled in pitied help, but has so much more to teach about trusting God than many middle-class and still rich "go to churchers."

Do I think missions are an out-of-country experience? No. But I do think that experience teaches far more than an imagined alternate reality. And I really want to be rocked out of this world in my sometimes God in a box thinking. I just feel like I've bought too much into the American church some days that "it's okay" to skip devotions and "it's okay" to forget to pray as if devotions and prayer have no affect.... no meaning. And sometimes I get so lost in American thinking that things should be handed to me and maybe the best way to serve God is to tolerate other's beliefs that I feel I've betrayed the real, live God of the Word. The God of this world, not the Western God of the Americas.

Do I need to leave the country to learn about the Real Jehovah, Maker of All and Sustainer of Life? No. I just would really like to some day. I just would really like to serve and even just witness another's faith in Jesus Christ that has not been dulled by ego-centrism. No, I don't have to leave the country to witness very strong examples for Jesus. I just really would like the opportunity to do so some day.

And it's a day like today in which my heart longs for that day

... if it should come.

Piece by Piece

Well dear ones, I'm now in month five of pregnancy. I just poked into the month today. It's kind of crazy to think about it. Ever since my friend, Lorraine, left my workplace I've had a lot of free time during lunch. Being one who likes to keep busy so the day moves quickly, I have found myself reading, checking email, sometimes napping (don't worry, my boss is cool with this) and checking old friend's blogs during my lunch break. And as I've read through a few friend's recent life joys and gocked at these "little babies" which are now little girls and boys that I had in the nursery at Apex, I am dropped into a second reality. Man how time flies!

I feel like it was just yesterday when it was a sleepless 4am of "I can't believe it" thoughts with a positive test. Walking in Meijer, for I don't even remember what now, and passing baby clothes was a totally new world of thought. That new tumbling of shock, unknown, and inconfidence occasionally still grasps my hand as this little bump becomes more apparent.

I look at my niece. I remember holding her when she weighed just under 10 lbs at birth. Now that one and a half year old toddler that runs around talking and pointing at me when asked, "Where's Aunt Monica," floors me. Where'd the baby go? And yet all the while... she's still such a baby.

I wonder if this is what my mom thinks when she looks at me.

I'll technically be 1/2 way through this pregnancy in 2 weeks. Oh my goodness!

And while baby is only about palm size right now... that's my baby! Palm size! Dude how it's grown!

And soon we may have the opportunity to learn (come July 28th) if we're having a boy or a girl. Man, that floors my mind. Suddenly baby will move from "the baby" to she or he. And then will have a name. And sometime soon, for the first time, I may get the chance to feel he or she move within me. How exciting.

Yet my excitement is mixed in satisfaction with where Matt and I are at right now. "Are you excited?" I'm often asked. "Can you wait?" Yes and yes. I am excited for how God is growing our little one. Day by day. Minute by minute the little one develops in ways that I can't even understand. But I can wait. I can wait to find out baby's gender. I can wait to become the Stauffer's three. I can wait. Because I don't want to get so caught up in 'I can't wait's that I miss the now. I want to enjoy the sleep I am still able to get. I want to enjoy the date nights. The me and Matt moments of "let's go for a walk" or "ice cream run." I want to enjoy just sitting in a quiet house holding my cat against his will, or just petting him beside me and listening to the washer spin or the AC vents after a long day's work. I don't want to get so caught up in baby shopping (even mentally) that I lose what's been given me today.

I know baby is going to be amazing. And with baby will come a whole new level of Matt and I. A whole new level of family. And baby will bring such joy and such unity and all these wonderful thrills.

But today I want to wait. I just want today. I want to enjoy doing a puzzle with a socially rejected child - piece by piece, supporting my husband when the youth aren't listening- shushing by shushing, and even just eating this broccoli cheddar soup- spoonful by spoonful with my shoes off in my office. It's like my wedding day... I don't want to be so caught up in the execution of planning that I miss the memories.

I guess all these words are just to say... I am enjoying where God has me right now and I can wait for His timing.

I can happily wait.

To Walgreens, with satan

Last night on the way home from work I called Ellen, my sister in law, and found out that she was headed to Boonshoft (a local children's museum) for their free Tuesday night fun. After fairly short debate, I was headed in her direction. Boonshoft was fun. And believe it or not, Ellen and I actually found a "quiet" place in the museum to rock in the pioneer rockers and talk. It was really nice. And my niece (1.5 yrs) and brother in law (9 yrs) appeared to have an equally good time, let alone my brother in law (mid-twenties) who chased the two of them down all evening.

Then we headed back to Ellen's for dinner (she's so hospitable) and Matt met up with us. And that's when the acid reflux began [see: pregnancy].

After a longer drive home and enjoyed "quiet" and release of the day, I was determined to find some way to cope with the reflux that was only then intensifying. So I read a part of the Expecting book Renee gave me (thanks again) to make sure I wasn't going to hurt the baby and grab a little advice on controlling reflux. When the words "Tums" and "safe" hit my eyes the heavens opened and the angels rejoiced.

To Walgreen's I went. (Yay 24 hr stores that are close!) Now, I'll take just one second to deviate from the regular story line to give you one piece of needed information. After about 9:30 or 10pm my brain is no longer much good. The lights are on, but the house is empty. And so I usually go to bed somewhere between 9:30 and 10:30p (yes, I'm a granny) depending on the exhaustion levels.

Back to the story...

It was a quarter til 11p when I got to Walgreen's. Once in the store I must have passed the Tums 10 times before realising it (satan was near, I could feel it). Then reading all the different kinds of Tums (shoot me now). And by then the acid was really something! So I snatched one off the shelf, checked out and headed back to the car. Man this trip was getting ridiculous!

"Good, I have juice in the car, I can just take it in the car!" I thought til I sat down next to an empty seat with no juice. "Ok.... here's the water that's been sitting in my car for a few days..." and I proceeded to drink some warm to borderline hot water. And that's when I met satan again, I choked... that's right friends... this wanna be reflux-free, exhausted prego choked right then and there in the Walgreen's parking lot. No, it wasn't himelick choking... it was conscious-still-with-oxygen-getting-through-Tums-stuck-behind-your-uvula choking. And I choked until right there in the parking lot I threw up that Tums.

And died laughing! Could this trip have gotten any more complicated?!

After stabilizing myself, I took two more Tums, drove home, told Matt the story (still laughing a psychotic overly-tired and out of control laughter), and fell into bed.

So, yes friends.... I met satan (you know I tease) at Walgreen's.

Words to the Silence

You know, sometimes I just find myself thinking about you and how blessed I am to have you in my life. And it's funny to think that neither of us were looking to befriend the other. We were just coasting fine. Consuming time.
It's funny how the years pass and no one can walk into my life and take your place. It's no wonder the saying goes that good friends are hard to find and even harder to replace.
And to think of how much you put up with my whining... and my rambling... and my grumpiness... and...
It just baffles my mind sometimes to think of how you stuck close to me and spurred me on.

Just wanted to share these thoughts as I sit here in this life-less office where the only sounds are the low hum of the AC and keyboard keys. As I wait here for more work to come and fill these last 3 or so hours, I was just thinking of how far God has grown you...

and how blessed I've been to be a part of some of it.

- love you, Robin. -

Tatoos and Hellos

Last night I dreamed that I got a tatoo. Not just any tatoo, but the BMX-biker type full upper body from neck to wrists to naval tatoos. Can you even imagine?! I was completely tatooed from neck to naval. And the funny thing was that I did it because in my dream Matt thought it was cool and I wanted to do it for him. Only I was completely trying to cover it up so no one would notice and be comfortable with it. (Totally my non-flashy character.) I told Matt about my dream before taking off for work. And I explained to him that in my dream I tatooed myself because he thought they were cool. "Not that cool!" he commented as he rolled over with a smile.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Four month prenatal visit went well. I've gained no weight in the past month (which doesn't bother or concern any parties involved in the doctoring process). So I guess what I experienced over the last month was a great migration/weight shifting. Being one who's not conscious about her weight, but just aware of healthy weight verses non-healthy weight, this concept makes me laugh. So that little one who seems to need a constant feeding of starch or carbohydrate product has found their source... sucking from various parts of me. Hehehe. Good for them. Take as much as you need baby... I'm fine with being left with what I started with. (I'm really not naive enough to think that this pregnancy won't be the biggest weight gain that I've had since my own prenatal moments.) But I do think the human body and, in particular, this human body is hillarious in it's adjustments to pregnancy. I'm all out of wack! Hehehe.

So with a little baby bump, I find myself quite satisfied in the current conditions:
puking once per week (or twice if it's a "bonus" week)
eating "fairly" normally (or at least more closely to a normal eating pattern - 3 "meals")
and sleeping ALL THE TIME!

And while depending on the shirt and pants selection it may be questionable if I'm not just gaining weight or actually pregnant (though Matt said if anyone ever thought I was just getting fat he'd "handle it" - hehe), when the PJs come on, the baby bump appears. "Hello in there," Matt reaffirms the growing bump. =)

Milestones

Today marks our 4 month check-up with the baby doctor. We get to go at 4:45p today.
"What'll they do?" I was asked by a co-worker.
"I have no idea." I answered, "But it may be like the last one... a 5 minute recall of any odd symptoms, poking of the abdomen, and heartbeat listening. Then we're out the door."


"Have you had the sonogram yet?" one gentleman from church asked me. It took a minute to have any idea what he was talking about. "Oh, no, we haven't scheduled it yet. But we should get to schedule to see our baby during the next appointment."

-Sonogram~ I'm hoping he was referencing to fetal growth pictures and not pictures of my inner organs. =)


I'm also excited because as of today I can call my friend because her phone minutes have begun for this month. YAY! I've missed her since she's moved to Iowa and it's nice to know the extended game of phone tag last played can potentially be avoided now.


I also got approved for vacation on August 25th. WOOT! Niagara Falls, here we come baby!!!!!


Also, a surprise of mine is coming together quite nicely - thanks to some willing help.


Yep, friends, today is a good day filled with many small, yet big in my life, milestones.

Today's Feelings

• irresponsibility trapped in responsibility
• antsy
• a sane one in a white-walled lock-down
• improductivity regarding things that really matter
• a stay-at-home mom heart stuck in a 40 hr work week
• like a Monday in a never-ending work week
• a fish in a fishbowl on the ocean shoreline
• minutes taking hours
• ADHD holding a librarian's hand

that's the picture of today.

Middle-Eastern Matt

The other night I had a dream that Matt and I had a middle-eastern baby. Yep, that's right! Scared of the sun white skin (Matt) and occasionally sun-kissed skin (me) equals olive skin now. And the funny thing? It really didn't phase me at all in my dream. In fact it made perfect sense to me that the baby's slight tinge of red in their brown hair was "from me". And the olive skin from Matt.

HAHA!

These dreams are hilarious sometimes!

Hiddenly Obvious Reminders

I heard on the radio this morning that Iran is working on and potentially even completed missiles that will reach Israel.

We got a phone call last night at 9:30 which was noticed and returned near 11pm. Matt's Uncle was diagnosed with cancer and it has spread from his pancreas. He's not doing so well. Matt's Uncle, someone who's never believed in prayer, called his brother and asked for Rodger and his church to pray for him. It was also asked that Matt and his church would pray for him.

Matt's grandfather is going in for surgery on Monday to release the water from his brain. After Matt's grandmother passed several months ago and his failing health, Matt's Grandpa doesn't have much to live for anymore. And he's stated that before.

The only thing keeping Matt in the state on Monday is a 4:45pm pre-natal appointment. (Thinking rescheduling's a good idea.)

I read today about Moses' glowing face when talking to God and God's promises to His people. And it stirred me to sing this morning. It's been a long time. But those old strings felt right in my hands. And in the midst of everything we have learned and witnessed and seen, powerful words left my lips.

Our God Reigns
Our God Reigns
Forever His Kingdom Reigns

Do you realize the power of that truth?

It brought an opening and comfort to my life through the simple chorus. Seven words... acknowledging All Authority and Control.

You know, a lot of times I get lost looking at the "what ifs" and the "glass half emptys." (Wink for Renee.) There's a lot here on this earth to worry about. And yet God has brought it to my attention over the past few days how many trivial things people worry about: staffing for a group, snacks being provided, paperwork time frames, audit reviews, gaining weight, offending others, lacking purpose, health concerns, finances, being good parents, remembering, providing... the list can go on and feel free to add yours. And, I mean, people can even worry about worrying. Oh and we can come up with fun fleeting sayings and happy emailed and animated pictures, but at the end of the day we are left to battle out the sickening feeling in our stomachs.

Yet the message we have needed to hear has always existed. And it always will. In this world where we cannot control so much, God reigns. Not Allah, not Buddha (who never claimed to be a god), not the general feel-good God that is often referred to in North America.... but GOD reigns. FOREVER!

And for those who are not enemies of this all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving, all-forgiving God, this is really good news. Really good news.

It means that I don't have to worry. It's all according to His plan. The health of the baby inside of me? I trust it will glorify God. I'll just keep serving Him with myself in taking care of what He has given me. But who am I to dictate what is or is not best for me? I don't even know all of me. There are still things that come out of my mind and my mouth that surprise me. And I can't even reign in my own life. But I know a truth that is so freeing that I can smile in the light of destruction.

Our God Reigns.

Our God Reigns!

Forever His Kingdom Reigns!!!

Even when I struggle to see it. That truth remains. And HAS stood the test of time.

So my occasional struggling with worrying states more about my memory problem than God's power. For the truth is not changed by my view. The truth remains. Untouchably True. Unchanging.

Abnormal Us

Parts of a conversation have been running through my mind for days now. Isn't it odd how the brain can process things sometimes? I'm not going to directly spell out the conversation topic in efforts to avoid any search engine wanderers. But nonetheless, a part of me just can't seem to let this one go. Something is incomplete and it's been bothering my brain.

I'm one of those people that wishes they had the right thing to say in "pop fly" conversations. I'm one that wishes they could conjure the right response, or at least the response that they truly feel and think. But it always seems to take me a bit longer than expected to conjure that depth.

A conversation ensued regarding intimacy between married couples. Through this conversation it was established early on from two viewpoints that intimacy is no longer shared between married couples but is more than permissible to be shared with many differing individuals. This concept progressed to the conclusion that it is better to have found your husband after being "experienced" and intimacy was reduced to a lustful act or behavior.

And I was offended and broken for these conclusions. See, when marriage is reduced to a mere by-product of a lust-filled life, it becomes meaningless. What is the point of marriage if uniting with others is a practice of normalcy, regardless of if it's in the past or present? Why not just co-habit?

And when marriage is reduced to an option and intimacy is reduced to a mere normalcy with or without commitment attached, then what really is the point of "I do"?

I wish I could convey the sanctity of marriage that so many fail to witness. I wish I could convey the sanctity in intimacy, pure intimacy. I wish I could convey the reassurance that no one in this world has or will ever know me as deeply as my husband. And because he waited for 21 years, I am ever-so reassured that he has and will rely on God's strength to keep him pure in our marriage. But there are no descriptors that deep. No words with such explanation.

... and I just sat there, stuck somewhere between being offended and brokenness for those who have cheated themselves out of true, pure intimacy ...

what an awful exchange...

I looked down at my baby bump and thanked God for allowing Matt and I such a blessing...

...out of an "abnormal" marriage.

To This Day...

With sore feet and back, I can testify that the wedding was a success... and it was beautiful.
I'll be honest though, in agreeing whole-heartily to be Jes' matron of honor I did not calculate in the whole extra exhaustion of pregnancy factor. And yes, that's probably because at the time of saying yes we did not know nor were we planning to be expecting. But God gave me a supernatural strength when I most needed it - wedding day.

Sunday evening, after the church picnic, Matt and I put on PJs and pasted ourselves to the couch for many wonderful hours of sleeping (me), video game playing (Matt), and movie watching. It was a wonderful time of healing.

Here at work, today, I'm still feeling the lasting effects of a weekend well worth it. My eyelids became more heavy as noon approached. And this weak body longs for her soft blanket, noise-drowning-out fan, and firm mattress.

Congratulations Jes and Nayt. I think it all went beautifully. Now enjoy the honeymoon as "normal" begins to take shape again in your lives. I personally enjoyed most on our honeymoon the quiet times of just walking beside Matt and holding his hand. To this day, that seems to rank among the favorites. The feeling of "us". Congratulations Jes and Nayt again that "us" is now very complete for you both.


And Matt, I love you. I love you so much. Thank you for all your hard work that you did behind-the-scenes for Jes and Nayt. You bless me as you serve others. Thank you.

And avocado baby, I love you too. It's really amazing to me to watch God grow you up. And it floors me that just this upcoming winter (in 5.5 months) Matt and I may get our first chance to hold you in our arms. Oh, and Mommy thanks you for keeping down food this weekend (excluding Sunday). That was a really sweet gift of not barfing at your aunt's wedding. I know she's appreciative. - Enjoying the waiting for you. -

Today's Smile

The six-year-old patted my stomach lightly, "Fat belly."
Under any other conditions this type of commentary might have merited a verbal slap,
But today I smiled.

"That's my baby."


- guess I might be starting to show. -

We're in.

We're all moved in and almost completely unpacked (minus three office boxes that might get unpacked before the new year). Does it feel like home? no, but it's getting close. I'm still in the shock of going from a 1 bedroom apartment to a 4 bedroom house with fireplace, 2 car garage and fenced in backyard. There's also the oddity of this little room near the master bedroom with a pastel blanket on the door handle. It still floors my mind to think of a baby living in there come late December. But this beginning baby bump is starting to make it feel like just maybe I'm not pretending.

Tomorrow night's Jes' bachelorette party and I really am so excited! I can't wait to hang out with Jes and the girls. But tonight calls for much prep. But I must confess, I'm really looking forward to all the prep. It really has been quite a joyous process.

Thursday Matt and I head down to Cinci for the weekend. Rehearsal Thursday night, Friday wedding prep and family (extended and immediate) time, and Saturday's the big day. It's funny but being Matron of honor doesn't feel quite as stressful as it once looked when I saw the whole picture. With all my mom's help in wedding prep, I feel like she should be titled Matron of honor and me... just Matron of show-up and ride it out.

But either way, I'll be posting later next week after all this joy is behind me and I can reminisce on it's memory.

And come Saturday... welcome to the family, Nayt. We look forward to having you!

Quick Post Before Silence

This weekend marks our move-out and move-in weekend. That's right, to the parsonage we go. Praise the Lord! So Matt and I, with much loving help from our friends and family, will take all the belongings of our little one-bedroom apartment and try to make it look like it belongs in our new 4 bedroom house.

I am so excited, people. So excited! All these wonderful ideas are popping into my head as I think about the new space that the Lord has loaned to us for a while. And with new hedge trimmers (which were free to us thanks to an Aunt's gift card - thanks Aunt Greer) I sincerely find joy within my heart as I think of cutting back the overgrown shrubs. All the excitements and joys of a new place that Matt and I will be blessed to raise our starting family is coming at me at once.

Also, next weekend my sister gets married. YAY JES! And I get a new brother (even though I technically already had him as a Brother). I'm so excited and despite the fact that I will be going through the ringer with Jes in last minutes and welcoming incoming family, I really am looking forward to the exhaustion that it will all bring. Because at the end of the long days, my sister will be married to our new family member. And that's super cool! I'm so excited for she and Nayt.

So, needless to say, with all that the Lord is giving Matt and I to joyfully accomplish over this weekend, this upcoming week and next weekend... this blog may be a little quieter than my fairly consistent ramblings. (Cause work is pickin' up quick here and I will be focused on wedding stuff Wednesday - Saturday night.)

So, I warn you all a head of time to grab some extra Kleenex and be ready for the separation anxiety that I'm sure will not be experienced. =) Take care, all!

Steak Baby!

this pregnant woman's weak spot

mmmm, mmmm, so good

Today's Day

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A Walk in the Past

Have you ever run across someone you used to know? Well it happened to me a little while ago. And without trying to be a complete jerk (though I'm sure I really can be and have been) there just are some people that you wold prefer to leave in your past. I'm not talking about some haunting, "I shouldn't have done that," past memory. I'm just talking about, "I have moved on and I'd like to progressing on," kind of past memory.

God placed a defining decision before me. And I made a decision for His glory that changed my life direction forever. I chose the harder road. I picked the "not right in front of you" road that had risk of leaving my dreams in the dust.

But a little while ago I looked back at what was left behind. And I really didn't want to.
But sometimes when you run into people of the past, you look back by default... for that is where that person belonged.

You know, but there's this eerie feeling. This "I don't want to go there" feeling. This awkward "I wonder who you really are" feeling and yet this desire to no longer know the answer. It's kind of hard because you can only remember that person as they once were and yet you really wonder if they have grown on. But part of you really just doesn't want to know.

Maybe I'm just a psycho...
but it's really kind of weirded me out a bit over the past few days

and in risk of being a complete jerk, I really would just prefer not to go there ever again.


... maybe they felt that way too ...

At Least We Know...

“Then Moses returned to the Lord, and said, ‘Alas, this people has committed a great sin, and they made a god of gold for themselves. But now, if You will, forgive their sin-and if not, please blot me out from Your book which You have written!’ The Lord said to Moses, ‘Whoever has sinned against Me, I will blot him out of My book.” [Exodus 32: 31-33]

Sometimes I just want a feel-good response from God. I’m not having a good day… pity me, Lord, whine, whine, whine…And I really want God to say, “Awww, poor baby, come here let me take all your troubles away and make everything all better instantly.”

But we don’t serve a Sugar Daddy God. He’s not there to hand me a good day on a plate because I chose to call Him Daddy. I mean come on, taking up a cross daily (Luke 9:23) is not a walk-in-the-park kind of experience! And yet so many times I want to see more flowers and feel a light breeze on a fake park-walk Christianity.

I read this passage this morning from Exodus. It really floored me how “This is reality” God was with Moses about sin. Moses cries out in a passionate plea for the people of Israel and God speaks a harsh, but real Truth. Moses so passionately hands the Lord his eternity in place of the people of Israel, with whom Moses was just furious ( a righteous anger as Matt calls it). But even beyond that, the Truth is still the Truth. Sin causes separation. There must be a payment for sin. And the people haven’t paid it. Sin causes great consequence.

God’s mysterious grace continues in the following verses as He promises to send His angel with the people to guide them, yet the punishment still remains (Exodus 32:34-35). The discipline is still necessary.

And as uncomfortable and inconvenient as the honest Truth may feel, we are so blessed to at least know the Truth. I mean could you imagine what the desert wandering could have been if God had chosen not to tell Moses that sin equals blotting out of the book? What disillusion Israel would have created and lived in. What fake reality.

The Old Testament is a huge flashing neon sign pointing toward the need for and the coming of Jesus Christ as Savior. So for those of you who have this unsettling feeling in your stomachs after reading the unfinished “blot you out” words of God, please do take it in full context. Not only is Christ coming to be the perfect sacrifice for our sin so that we could be in God’s book of life, but also God goes on to lead his rebellious and sinful Israelites through the desert for 40 years! He daily leads the people and while that particular generation of Israelites never makes it into the promised land as a consequence of their sin, God pours out His mercy and grace in allowing their children to experience His blessing in the promised land.


But even in light of the whole picture context and the cut-down-to-just-Exodus-32-and-prior context, it still delivers quite a wake-you-up punch of Truth. God doesn’t hold anything back and speaks the Truth in love to His people.

Even when the Truth hurts, He still knows and does best.



- What has He revealed to you through these passages? -

Mom Concept Ramblings

Some days it's hard to believe that 3 and almost 1/2 months of nausea equals a baby. [Yes, I'm aware that they're in there for longer than that.] And yes, I am confident that while my first trimester ends on Wednesday (or according to our insurance, ended a few days ago) the nausea will carry with me. Why am I convinced? Well, vomiting entered it's late-stage presence during week 11 of pregnancy and it has only become a more steadily available option. And according to the Doctor's experience, the nausea was suppose to tapper off and get less severe after week ten. Well, week ten was fiercely nauseated. But week 11 brought projectile. And then week 12 brought wipe-out, especially at the end. And week 13 has brought the routine of throwing up at work at least once per day and then moving on with life. I've really began to get good at the system, sadly.

Last night at about 5:15p we heard our baby's heartbeat. "Don't get upset if we can't hear it yet," the Dr. explained as she lubricated my stomach and put the microphone close, "it's hard to catch it s..." and then our child filled the room with a steady thump-thump. "That's a strong heartbeat," a med student said.

And for a few seconds, I just wanted to hold the baby right then and there. I was so proud.
Well done, little one, well done.

It just became a little more real, especially since a few days earlier I told Matt I didn't feel pregnant. "You are." He remarked quickly.

It's funny but some days it feels like Matt and I are playing parents. We're playing expecting. We're playing a beginning family. And it's weird to think that my dreams of being a mom, the very thing I could not be more sure that God has set me apart to become... it's actually closer than I can imagine.

I don't care what any scientist may say... there's a baby inside of me. No mere word "fetus" can capture the pure miracle that God is making within me. That in there folks, is a baby.

And it's my baby.

Yet some days that concept is so crazy to me. And I think... did I just say my baby? Mine?

See, I've taken the spit up, the nasty diapers, the throw up and so many other "mom-like" drawbacks of a good handful of kids in my lifetime. I've done some of the dirty work, the cooking, the staying up all night, and even witnessed many hours of tantrums and biting and you name it. But I've never claimed to be a mom, despite the fact that I've been accidentally called mom by many kids. No, I am well aware that moms have far greater sacrifice and a far deeper love. Yet, I've often felt a depth of love for the kids I have been blessed to care for... those are my kids. For that point in their life, they were part my kids. [Maybe I'm just crazy, but I really loved them all that much.] And I'd take care of a sick child, and do all the other "mom-like" things all over again, in the blink of an eye... it's just what I love to do.

But now it's a bit crazy to think that to this little baby growing inside of me, I'm going to be mom. "Mom" like what I think and what I feel when I think of my mom. That's mom... and I'd do anything for her... She's always there when you most need, reliable, and ready for a hug.
That's my mom.

I love her so much.


- a mom -

Recap

Yesterday was awful- puking (in car), crying, exhaustion, wit’s end
Last night was a blessing – Matt came home from his trip
Today is a relief – the child behaves when it’s father is near ~ minor nausea, productivity, life in steps, smiling, laughing

Today's 13 weeks.
Dr. appt Monday – get to hear heartbeat and schedule ultrasound.

Silently

There used to be this little girl in my crazy four year old preschool room. She was the middle child of three children. And with my group of fours there would be days that they would try every ounce of patience I had to my name. There would be days that I would get the crew from the morning teacher and the morning teacher would be beat red with frustration. There’s only so many times one can repeat themselves before the lesson plan becomes impossible and when attempting to get the class under control is the primary focus, the ABC’s get swept under the rug. Would the school split the group up? No and I really don’t know why. But that year all of the “problem” children were placed in one four year old class of terrors. And I must admit, some days I would get frustrated. And some days I would feel like nothing I did could help this bunch of children. No love I showed them could convince them to calm down. They only seemed to respond to punishments and I really didn’t like handing them out.

So each day as the numbers dwindled toward the end of what had been for some of these children a ten hour day, the class became a bit more manageable. I found myself looking forward to those quieter moments of free-play backed by a soft musical tape. The smaller group could handle unstructured play. The smaller group I enjoyed. And it was at the end of the day that sometimes I would find myself a pile of rejected, decaying defeat.

But she would come, sometimes at my beckon, and she would sit in my lap or bear-hug my neck. This appeared to be her favorite time of day too. She would lay her little head on my shoulder, soaking up a love that was considered “babying” at home. And she wanted this love more than she wanted to play. Silently, with little movement she would soak up her love and bring a smile to my face. And through her, the Lord gave me hugs of grace. Hugs of mercy. And as I scratched her back or played with her long blonde hair, a healing from the day would happen. And I would feel like just maybe tomorrow was bearable.

Today I missed her hug.

What Stayed Down Today

Victory is sweet!!!

This Lady

You know what's funny? I bother this lady all the time. And yet she still acts like she likes me.

I'm impressed. Truly impressed.

Today's convo? "I'm at the dentist. I'm going to have to call you back."

And you know what floors me the most?

She answered!

A Stroll

Last night I came home from the church and was fiercely hungry. And in the High school realm of over-dramatization, "I thought I was going to DIE!" And the first thought on this pregnant woman's mind? Steak baby! Steak and mashed potatoes and ooh some buttery rolls...

I called my husband and you know what he said?!

Ok.

Seriously, could he get any more sweet. My husband, the one who cringes at the sight of expenses (which is good cause I'm a lot more weak with finances) said "Ok" to a non-date-night eating out. He is my hero!

On the drive back, with belly happily filled, we swung by their house to fulfill a promise.

Inside we headed to pick up their livelihood for a few hours. Our conversation as we entered the door where Ellen and Ron's company sat? Post-term abortion of a make-believe seventeen year old child if they ever mentioned having sex outside of marriage. Talk about shocking company as Matt and I joked around with serious purity undertones. Oh well... they're not our friends. Let's just call it adding to the conversation... that Ellen and Ron had to explain for the next hour or so. (heh)

And what did that sweet child do? She had the biggest smile when she saw us. Talk about melting one's heart.

So back to the apartment we went, baby in arms. And I agree with Matt, as we walked from the car with diaper bag, overfilled bucket of toys, and young toddler in hand... it looked like we just kidnapped someone's baby. And I'm sure the neighbors sitting outside and hearing Matt's words were put at ease.

She wandered around the house as I tried to wash the cups and Matt proceeded to put a laundry basket over his head and make strange noises to "entertain the child." (I love that man!) When she got a bit tired of wandering and staying away from the cat food, we took the adventure to the great outdoors. You should have seen Matt with a stroller. There was not a "trying to look cool" bone in his body as he took off tearing down the sidewalk with the little one smiling from the rocky journey. Then he tipped the stroller onto it's back wheels screaming, "WOAH! WOAH!" And then came his head protruding through the sun shade, resulting in Matt wearing the stroller and standing in a frog-like position. (He absolutely kills me sometimes!) But she loved it! [Having a hard time getting a picture of this? The stroller was much like the one above, only green, so Matt stuck his head through the openning of the sun shade from the back of the stroller.]

The park was fun too! I really can't tell you how sweet it was to see Matt chasing that baby all over the place, just captured by her world. And I've never seen the child smile quite so big before. It is true time and time again... she loves her Uncle Matt. For an hour of outside time, our little niece was the beginning and end of our world. Man, she's fun!

Back to the house we headed, Matt no longer doing the old man shuffle behind the stroller (he has long legs) because it was my turn to steer. And then came the drop off the curb that rattled all the self-expression from that child. (My bad! She doesn't need those 8 teeth, right?)

She wandered about the house, moaning at 9:15, discontent with her world. And that's when Matt, ridding nearly all "baby" items from our apartment declared, "It's time to return it." So with Matt's arms loaded in toys and belongings and diaper bag and me with child (haha... well, two), back to their house we rode. Matt frequently turned around from the passenger seat to check on the child at each sound she made. And then when we got to her house declared, "All right, let's go!" (Again, I love that man!) So we left the child on the sidewalk and took off. ; )

Inevitable Fact

If you wear a white shirt and drink red juice...

you know the rest.

-bummer-

Added Joys

New addition to the first trimester joys?

Projectile Vomiting

Arrived Monday at the workplace near you...

-how embarrassing-

a Daddy.

She had worked so hard for this moment, he explained to us all. Practice after practice. Drill after drill. And now, it all came together. She had beaten her opponent time and time again, up and down the court. Up and down the court. She may have been small, but that little body was mighty in the face of what appeared to be insurmountable odds. He sat in the stands, cheering on his baby. Flashes of first steps, gurgled 'I love you's and running hugs flooded his mind as he saw her accomplish another quarter. Only a few minutes remained. And he stood in amazement as his baby pranced about the fourth grade court. Could a prouder moment exist?

But the opponent grew tired. No little girl was going to make a fool of her, especially not when her team was so far behind. How could such a small girl be so fast? Surely she wasn't made for basketball like her opponent. And there was no way she was going to get by one more time.

Daddy watched as his baby was thrown the ball. Time was running out. She took off sprinting down the court, every ounce of her called out for the basket. She began to break away from her opponent. And that's when it happened...

She tripped. She had been pushed. Down went her body to the harsh floor. And down went her opponent's foot. And at the sound of an ankle-bone cracking she screamed, "DADDY!"

And he was instantly at her side.
His baby.
His baby...


"She didn't yell, 'COACH!' She didn't yell, 'TEAM!" He told us, "One word rose from the crowd, 'DADDY!' And to think that this pathetic, sinner ran so intensely to his baby. This shame of a father that he let be called Daddy..."

Tears streamed down his face,
"How much more does our Father come to us when we call, 'ABBA!'

'DADDY!"



-Just a story that I wanted to share with you all. It reminded me of how overwhelming blessed we are to call Him Daddy. Praise be to God. For He is worthy.-

To and From the Child Within...

I get it.

You're still thriving.

Now can we let mom enjoy the thought, smell, or vague idea of food?

No?

Ok (sigh) maybe tomorrow.

_______________________________________________

Co-worker: I'll be right back, I've got to go the bathroom.

- returns successfully-

Me: I'll be right back, I'm gonna try to throw up again.

- returns unsuccessfully-

_______________________________________________

I'm looking forward to meeting you, dear one,

but today I'm mostly looking forward to the first trimester's end.

Oh that I might stop eating crackers and pretzels.

The sight of them makes me want to puke sometimes.

Yours Truly

I am so proud of him. And what an honor.
Not a single person disagreed.

Last night the church board, staff, deacon body, and financial committee unanimously agreed that my husband's title as of June 29 will be:

Assistant Pastor.


With that honor comes a full-time position with paid vacation, fantastic benefits, and the parsonage.

That's right... we're moving from a one bedroom apartment to a four bedroom house with fenced in backyard and two car garage.

Isn't God amazing?!

Just think of it...

Over the past few months Matt and I have gone from a dead car, 12-13 hour per day exhausting job (mine), overwhelming schooling (Matt's), and general "I miss you cause I can't see you EVER" feelings to a reliable new-to-us car (that's family size), new job (mine) that allows me to see my husband, increased salary (both), almost completed bachelor's schooling (Matt), new home, a baby on the way, and seminary on the horizon!

It just floors me how the Lord has provided.

Lord, this is Yours... truly!

Routine Office Day

"NO!!!"
running away
being caught
screeching
kicking in the shins
*inappropriate words*
"Got off me you stupid, idiot!"
scratching
biting
screeching
flailing

... repeat for 20 minutes until child's bus arrives...

Interesting Concept

I must admit, I am not sold by this green kick. But some ideas actually do make what would be a pain-in-the-butt concept a bit more user friendly. I was just thinking of our options in the wide world of...

Progression Fruits

Welp, I set my first baby doctor visit for Friday, May 23 at 3pm. Yeah!
And Matt can go.. double Yeah!

I know... I get way too excited about the little things.

But I guess it's just the thought of moving forward in the process that's neat, especially since the nauseousness seems to be a bit intense today. And I'd kind of like further proof and reassurance that I'm not doing all this for nothing. hehe.

No, in all reality, I do look forward to meeting the Dr. and introducing myself as the one with the extra hormones.

Also found this kinda cool site online. For those of you who either have too much time on their hands or are actually genuinely interested.

Thank you to those of you who were really excited and maybe even still are really excited for Matt and I. I came across a "less than excited" non-family first response to the news the day after I found out and it was quite disheartening to explain to a co-worker that this child is not an abomination to my "life-plans." So I really do appreciate those of you who gave such encouraging words during this exciting, yet quite honestly scarily new phase of life. Your words carry more than you know....

so thanks.

Both are Degraded

Thought this was interesting...

De Tocqueville contrasted the American understanding of women, with European sentiments:

"There are people in Europe who, confounding together the different characteristics of the sexes, would make man and woman into beings not only equal but alike. They could give to both the same functions, impose on both the same duties, and grant to both the same rights; they would mix them in all things — their occupations, their pleasures, their business. It may readily be conceived that by thus attempting to make one sex equal to the other, both are degraded, and from so preposterous a medley of the works of nature nothing could ever result but weak men and disorderly women."

What do you think?

Unknown Co-worker

I am that co-worker.

- for those of you who didn't know. -

Client-tell

On Wednesday a coworker notified the staff that she's pregnant. I was so happy for her and yet it got me to thinking about how horrifying the shock of pregnancy could be.

It got me thinking about how much of a joy, but how unplanned fears of the unfamiliar can help determine a mother's tolerance for "morning sickness" or all of the other pains and scares of pregnancy.

And then I wondered about my clients.

I wonder how many of them came as a surprise to their mothers. And especially in the "little kid's" room across the hall, I wonder how it must have felt to see "the baby" not being able to grow out of that stage. I wonder what it felt like the first time a mother realised that "the baby" wasn't like other babies.

A lot of our clients' parents come in with frustrations. "He doesn't act right." "He can't behave." And a lot of parents of these kids want us to fix this kid.

But some parents are just flat out overwhelmed with the plight that has been handed them, or the plight that they have chosen. It's so easy to make a naive decision. And not all things come out just like they're planned, no matter how well thought out.
And the more that I'm an "adult" I realise how much "we adults" don't know. It's not like you're handed this manual or all of a sudden after college answers to hard like situations pop into your head.

Experience shapes us.

And then to think that some of the beginnings of the stressors of these parents' lives began with a plus sign that could never be erased.


It just makes me think that not every story is written in the ideal... but with a little encouragement and supports, the story does not have to end like it began...

unplanned.


... I was just thinking ...

One For Me

Cast:
Me - myself
"the guy" - representative of Matt in appearance, but not in character
Miranda - my friend Miranda in appearance, though not in character
Chris - Miranda's husband, yet non-existent in the plot


Sketch:

Me and the guy are riding in a car late one night.

Me: Miranda wants to marry you as a backup plan in case her and Chris don't work out

the guy: No... no

Me: No, I really don't think it's a bad idea, I think you should go for it

Various explanations mumbled against the silence.

the guy: Ok, fine


[Implied few months later.]

The church is filled with people, not a pew-space available. Big hats, flowery dresses, much chatter. An organ plays in the background. A bride and groom stand on the church stage by the altar. Some dialogue ensues between pastor and couple, but exact words cannot be deducted through side conversations.

Me: Sits there in shock, mouth agaping; obviously having changed mind about wedding plans.

Exit music begins and bridal party starts to leave.

Me: exits in overwhelmed emotional state after bride/groom

the guy: notices Me running to the bathroom and pursues.

Me: enters restroom stall and bawls hysterically and exhaustively.

the guy: [through the closed bathroom door] What's wrong? Are you okay?

Me: [between sobs] Those vows you just said canceled our vows and isn't it illegal to have more than one wife?

the guy: No, it's only illegal to have three or more wives, not two.

Me: [between sobs] Are you going to dance with her? [Implied after-reception activity. "Dancing" held to Me character as something that she only does with her husband because of feeling comfortable enough with him to look a fool.]

the guy: Yeah. But I won't do anything else.

Me: runs from bathroom, wet with tears, toward parking lot.

the guy: does not pursue Me, but walks in the direction of his new bride.


And then I woke up in a cold sweat and nearly in tears. Matt lay beside me, breathing heavy. The clock read 4 something.

It didn't really happen. I tried to reassure my mind as I came out of that dream-like haze. This is here and now. This is real. He wouldn't do that. And Miranda wouldn't do that. That was some nightmare. But I was sleepy enough to have an altered reality.

I put my arm out...

I didn't want to wake him.
He needs his sleep.

4:15AM

4:25 AM

4:45AM

the numbers changed, but sleep never came.

At 5, I hugged him and wouldn't let go. He woke up.
I told him.
He laughed initially when I explained the setting.

"What a jerk!" His sleepy voice empathized.

He rolled over, "Well you don't have to worry about me marrying anyone." He put his arm around me, "You're the only one for me."



-I have no idea why I had that nightmare, I know that Matt's promise is forever. And it just tipped my world a little off thought with how real it all felt. I can't even image what a wife must feel who goes through a divorce. I still have no idea what induced that dream, maybe I ate something funny, but what I do know is that I am blessed not to have to worry about any situation like that.-

A Wanted Change

Just as an FYI, this website can be accessed through "moe4him.blogspot.com" as well as the title "todaysmeans.com." [I'm not sure if there will come a day in which "moe4him's" address no longer directly connects to this site, so please don't forget "todaysmeans".) Yes, that means that I changed the page's name to "todays means" because I felt it appropriate for each changing statge of life. Afterall, we are not promised tomorrow. Beyond that fact, God is constantly changing the ways that I think about Him and how to best spread His Name. Therefore, each post is merely "todays means" of living in this world.

It's been over a week since the adventure, but it's worth a quick post. Seminary was great.

Not only was it so neat to feel proactive in our future, it was such a blessing to be surrounded by Christ-seeking, Christ-honoring users of the very mind God gave them. While I'm sure there are some, seminary students and professors are so much more than intellectuals. And it was neat how often that was mentioned in the orientation weekend.

And it was wonderufl to get away with my husband. God really used the time to remind me that even thought it may feel like my husband is married to our little church in a nice little competition with our marriage at times, God has called US to His way for our lives. And it was so nice to feel the US in His plans to move us and grow us where He would have us. He knows how much that touches my heart. And I am so blessed by the Lord's lesson in my life.

Oh, and did I mention how beautiful the campus was...

my goodness... all the trees... the beautifully old buildings...

well take a look for yourself. It's pictured above.

Oh right, I forgot the camera.

- lame -

Partially Because I'm a Nerd

Tomorrow, Matt and I will be going to Southern. I really am so excited! It's a fun start to schooling that feels more like the "real deal" with each passing day. I can't even imagine what Matt must be thinking about starting his final stage of schooling toward getting the degree that the Lord called him to about 3 or so years ago. Only knowing my husband he'd probably have some calm, cool response to my childish joy. You know, some logical, well-thought-out, "well, technically my schooling has been pursuing what God has called me to" or "well, we'll just see how well I do in Seminary before getting all excited." But I'm more than happy to run through my clover field with shoes tossed to the wind.

But even beyond the joys of moving forward with Matt's schooling comes the excitement of pursuing our family goals and dreams together. I really feel like Matt and I, while him being the graded student, will walking forward together from start to finish in his Master's of Divinity. It's just so neat to watch him run after the Lord's call on his life and I'm so blessed to be a part of it.

And then this dorky tendencies arises within me at the thought of reading Matt's textbooks in apologetics, Biblical history, and even Greek. Yep, that's right, Matt married a full out nerd who can't wait to read textbooks. What a pick!

But it's just neat to start to see the fruit of Matt's perseverance. And it's really neat to think of our steps toward God's purpose in our lives. It kind of makes the sacrifices and the annoyances of the work field feel more worth it in my most impatient moments.

I'm so blessed that God has opened my mind to the joys of what feels like big steps in Him.

Congratulations, Matt, on being ordained and getting ready to finish your undergraduate degree. I am so proud of you.

- I love you.-

A Due Change

So I'm thinking about changing the name of this site. - as in the moe4him address part.-

Any suggestions?

Familiar, Family Confusion - with psychotic features

You know, there comes a point in your life in which you have to decide about family. Some people just have a predisposition to keep family contacts, regardless of how far away the family members are, and then there’s the rest of us… we suck. And then there comes the extra complication of moving, whether it be out of state or cross-country. But then there’s this weird feeling that overtakes me sometimes… it’s the storm of wanted relationships that are lost… and yet not even knowing where to start.

It’s funny but moving cross-country at 8 kind of trapped me between two worlds in some ways. See, there’s this part of my life that I could refer to as my childhood that seems to be stranded in California and then my adolescence is somehow caught in Cincinnati. But in the passage of time on the road between, I seem to have lost some belongings. California seems like a dream, my extended family is mere evidences that just maybe California was real at times. But then it’s like I get caught in this childish naivety that what is not close, distance-wise, cannot be close. And then forgotten, lost friends and family fall in the wake of this Titanic thinking.

It’s funny how family means something completely different after getting married. You know, there’s some marriages where the newly weds’ in-laws seem to be family and then there’s other situations where I hear the “dreaded in-laws” concept. You know, it’s the concept that Hollywood Hallmarks as the “typical” situation; stiff and unwavering family traditions that refuse “non-blood” relationships and marry-ins.

But even beyond the family context, I think age teaches an adult to value family more, yet it’s kind of funny that children appear to be more adaptable to the change of a growing family. But then again… all I can speak from is my own experiences and observations of other families and my own.

I must confess, though, that I have found myself stuck in a tangle of regret and determination. I don’t want to be “far” from family members while sharing a meal. I don’t want to have absolutely no idea about my sister’s life or even my sisters-in-laws’ lives. I don’t want to wake up in ten years, 300,000 miles from my family only to find that even if I lived down the street from them, I wouldn’t know them.

Since I moved from California at such a young age, I didn’t contact my extended family. I never wrote much beyond the first year of moving. I got absorbed in “here and now” and slowly began to think less of my “California family” and then they became strangers.
And part of me doesn’t know how to relate to them from this point on, I’m not going to lie. And there’s much regret in those thoughts. And then there’s a determination birthed from that processing spurring me on to maintain current family relationships.

Yet there’s this funny lapse that I do quite frequently. I’m in Ohio, my extended family is all over the place… and there’s this odd disconnect between the two as if they both cannot exist. Both California and Cincinnati cannot exist simultaneously. The California I remember is no more. And yet so is the Cincinnati. And then I wonder, so where does that leave me?

Anyone else out there stuck in a similar oddity or is it just my psychotic features showing?



- This counseling session brought to you in high definition recording upon mail-in request. - HA! (Sorry for unloading a rambling blah this morning.)

"All I'd Wish I'd Said"

I'm just poking around through reading material regarding play therapy techniques, general counseling techniques for child-parent psychotherapy of child witnesses of family violence, and other "attempting to get ahead" materials. Now that I have my own office, playing a familiar CD is not a disruption to others, so I enjoyed a new, yet I've had it for a good while, taste of thought processing through music. And this song graced my ears. So as it's on repeat for the past ten to fifteen minutes, I thought I'd share it right quick before I take my break on down to Subway to get my last meal before the 30 hour famine with the youth begins.


Hold On by Nicole Nordeman
(dedication by Nicole: for Meredith and all I'd wish I'd said)

It will find you at the bottom of a bottle
It will find you at the needle's end
It will find you when you beg and steal and borrow
It will follow you into a stranger's bed
It will find you when they serve you with the papers
It will find you when the locks have changed again
It will find you when you've called in all your favors
It will meet you at the bridge's highest ledge

So baby don't look down, it's a long way
The sun will come around to a new day

So hold on
Love will find you
Hold on
He's right behind you now
Just turn around
And love will find you


It will find you when the doctor's head is shaking
It will find you in a boardroom, mostly dead
It will crawl into the foxhole where you're praying
It will curl up in your halfway empty bed
So baby don't believe that it's over
Maybe you can't see 'round the corner?


To hang between two thieves in the darkness
Love must believe you're worth it
You're worth it...

So hold on
Love will find you
Just turn around, He's right behind you now
Just turn around...

love will find you


~ I particularly enjoy the way that Nicole Nordeman describes the refuge and rescue characteristics of the Lord. And this song was also neat to think of in light of the truth that God is Love. Therefore, the names can be used interchangably. It was a neat reminder of God's grace this morning that I hope blessed your heart through mere text of Truth. Too bad I can't actually play the song for you reader(s), but posting the lyrics seems to be the scope of my posting practice abilities. Let me know if you'd like to hear the song sometime and I'll loan you the CD. It's on the "Brave" CD entitled "Hold On". You can click on the link and scroll down to get a clip of it if you'd like.

Moving on to the Next Paper

Training day one...

"And here's a bunch of crap you won't remember anyway so knodd your heads and we'll move onto the next paper. This one's the taddle-tale form, the next one's a big packet on the computer program that doesn't work so you can read it later- as a bedtime story cause you're not human if it doesn't put you to sleep, or you can take my approach... call Dale (computer programing guy) and don't bother reading the manual at all."

Training day two...

"Yes, and Vicky... you can click in under the following password."

"It's Monica..."

"Huh?"

"My name's Monica, Sir."

"Oh okay, thanks for correcting me. I really appreciate it. I guess Vicky left earlier (checks his papers)."

"So Wendy, just look at the computer next to you and I'll show you what I mean."

-sigh-

Welcome newbie!

Farewell

Goodbye CHOICES.

-bittersweet farewell-

Extinguished

Have you ever felt a deep pain for someone? I'm not talking about an over-dramatized, scripted pain, but one of true, sincere hurt. You have to have felt true, sincere hurt in order to fully understand.

I passed her old house today and wondered where she is... who she is...
You know it's funny how God creates those who appear so strong, yet have never known the depth of strength.
They have never drank a measure of their own depth of mind... or heart. Their deep remains a lost mystery.

How then can one ever try to explain true Life if they have never wanted to understand their own?

I wonder if experience truly breaks someone down ...
or only adds to their created thinking?

I wonder...

how to carry light to content darkness?

or even ...

how to explain to another that their light's batteries will fade out completely


when they so desperately insist that your wick will die first.

Choice Love

God has convicted me to hold an accountability with a wonderful resource He has given me. Through this accountability, voicemail messages are left each morning confessing triumph or failure in reading the Lord's Word daily.

He has opened my eyes to the reality that He has set before me fantastic witnesses and tools for spurring each other on and I have been careless and lazy in failing to use them to further His Name.

But this morning He really opened my eyes to His Beauty. A phone call came at "too early" o'clock in which to hold me accountable and in which to cause me to hold another accountable. And I agreed with the person, lowering my choices with a familiar habit.

I drove into work this morning with unfamilairly early traffic... reports are due by 4:00 today. And a warm, passionate voice spoke through lyric. The words natural, yet foreign in many ways to me. Isn't it funny how God can take a concept that has been taught to you for nine years and teach you to re-think it and re-think it until you posses His mind and determination about it?

Choice.

It is my choice to grow in or fail away from the Lord.

It is my choice to place Him at highest priority.

MY choice.

Not another's.

See, for so long I expected my faithful walk to come "naturally." Of course there's struggles, I'm perfectly fine with admitting that, but some level of naivety lived within that statement for the past nine years.

Love. It is something to work at, not natural at all. See, we are a self-pleasing flesh. So love, in it's purest and most basic sense is a sacrifice. I choose to do this because I love you. I choose to accept this about you because I love you. Too much of our society teaches that love is what you receive from a relationship, turning the focus inward and selfish in nature. But it is a choice. Matt and my marriage is not going to last on a romantic high. (I knew that coming in to the relationship.) But the only way it is going to last is not in the way that my family has survived. See, my family has survived in that I have loved them because that was all I knew and some inherent bond that the Lord created caused me to stick with them through thick and thin. (though I think the latter part of the previous statement applies to Matt and I as well.) But this love... this marriage is a choice. Daily I choose to love Matt and be in love with this man, Matt, and only Matt for the rest of my life.

I am a part of the bride of Christ. And it is a daily choice to love my Groom. Some days I wake up and think, "no, not today. no more today," because my flesh is weak. I just want to survive today. I just want to last through today. I'll never get this whole daily Bible reading down so why even bother. I'll never be perfect until Heaven so why even bother. And I choose to accept that love should gratify me. It should be an easy and automatic high. It should be a romance... not a lasting love. But when it comes down to it, many times my relationship with God is a romance. His Spirit sweeps over me in a way that I cannot keep from responding through praise. His voice whispers Truth in my mind. He pursues my thoughts, He opens my inner being and calls it beautiful, He smiles at my obedience, and He even blesses me when I stumble. And yet other times I must choose to read His word. I must choose to sing His praise when it's not easy... it's not a romance. It's a love.


And it's amazing how the Lord has opened up this Truth to my mind...
through my husband.

- I love the Lord... He is my Love.
Thank You, Lord. Thank You.
Thank You.

Rainy Green Gabled Joy

A rainy day calls for a good book.

I don't care who you are ...

there's no denying the joys of a good rainy day book.


It's 10AM, but my lunch break beckons.


Don't worry, Anne, I shall visit you soon.

Just a Letter

The time has finally come... thank You, Lord.

It went into their boxes.

Thank You, Lord.

Just some typing ...

but it brings much hope.

~ temporary is feeling more-so . ~

Tomorrow

You know, tomorrow's the interview. The light at the end of the tunnel, I hope. How it would be nice to find a job that would allow me to serve Matt as well in our marriage. It's odd how "ready" and yet completely unprepared one feels at the completion of a "lifegoal". But the diploma has yet to be hung... and already burnout ensues. I wish I felt like what I did mattered to the child who repetitively cussed me out as I bent over backward to do things for her. Miles on end I drove for her "convenience" only to sit in an empty apartment and return in two hours of traffic. It's moments like those that you really want to throw the towel in on a kid. You want to loose your mind and not take it anymore.

God opened my eyes on the last car-ride home. I tried so hard for the pavement not to swallow my character. I really hate rush-hour. And in the frustrated silence He reminded me that I was that undesirable in my sin. I was that hate-worthy and filthy. I spoke such vulgar, hateful words defying the very help I needed. And yet He loved me.

Sin is sin. I'd love to stand at her door pointing telling God that there's no way I am that sinful. There's no way my sin looks as bad as that. But how can this unjust one dare define justice and righteousness?

It's ugly to think that my sin looks the same way to my Father. How filthy and un-me I feel at that thought. Yet it is true. Sin is sin. And it's ugly. And it dirties the beautiful gown of Christ's Bride. No sin is too dirty for our Savior to clean. But all sin is too dirty for our character growth. And it's in the time of mind-renewing that the Lord chose on I-75 that repentance once-again looked as necessary as it is.

And the child who refuses help, is most needy of all.
Only there's nothing I can do to change her.
It's only the Lord's work.


Would You, Lord? I don't have to be there to see it.
But would You please help her fall at Your feet?


-No matter where I end up... Lord, please use me.-

Dreaming Plain

I got this email from a friend speaking in excitement about their opportunity to possibly go to a recording studio in the near future. They were talking of a free recording studio sitting with friends who were near professional instrumentalists and good background vocals...

and green slipped in

It was odd how excited I was for my friend.... and yet how over-my-head it all felt.

It's funny how intimidating it felt to be asked if I would help with some of the building blocks...

and I realised that I'm not talented enough to make anything but plain music.

I've been dreaming....

banging out Truth on a church piano late at night

I can't even play the piano, but something arose within me that made me think just maybe I could try.

And I sing the same few songs over and over....

plaguing my neighbor's ears...

because it's what God gave me...

what He's taught me...

And I've been dreaming in the car...

But I really don't think I have much to offer.

I really can honestly tell you, cyberworld, that there are 5 million other people out there that have better voices, greater ranges, and more skills than this twenty-something wanna-be dreamer.

And it was quite scary to admit the reality as the type came before me that I just don't have that skill level...

that's just way out of my league.

(sigh)